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I 


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The  Author  Ready  to  Set  Out  on  Life’s  Journey. 


AUTOBIOGRAPHY 

OF  AN 


ANDROGYNE 


By  EARL  LIND  ( "RALPH  WERTHER""-" 'JENNIE  JUNE”) 


EDITED,  WITH  INTRODUCTION 

By  ALFRED  W.  HERZOG,  Ph.B.,  A.M.,  M.D. 

Member  of  the  New  York  and  the  New  Jersey  Bar 
Editor  of  the  Medico-Legal  Journal 


NEW  YORK 

THE  MEDICO-LEGAL  JOURNAL 
1918 


Copyright,  1919 
By  ALFRED  W.  HERZOG 


First  edition,  1,000  copies.  Sold  only,  by  mail  order, 
to  physicians,  lawyers,  legislators,  psychologists,  and  sociolo- 
gists ; by  Medico-Legal  Journal,  123  West  83d  Street,  New 
York  City. 

This  is  copy  Number  and  is  sold 


to 


Inscribed  to  Natube’s  Step-Childken  — the 
sexually  abnormal  by  birth  — in  the  hope  that 
their  lives  may  be  rendered  more  tolerable 
through  the  publication  of  this  Autobiography. 

“ But  this  is  a people  robbed  and  spoiled ; 
they  are  all  of  them  snared  in  holes,  and  they 
are  hid  in  prison  houses ; they  are  for  a prey, 
and  none  delivereth ; for  a spoil,  and  none  saith, 
Restore. 

“ Who  among  you  will  give  ear  to  this  ? Who 
will  hearken  and  hear  for  the  time  to  come?  ” — 
Isaiah  XLII,  v.  22,  23. 


CONTENTS 


Introduction,  by  Dr.  Alfred  W.  Herzog  ....  i 

Author’s  Preface 1 

Autobiography 5 

Appendix  I.  Impressions  of  the  Author,  by  a Busi- 
ness Associate 216 

Appendix  II.  The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde,  by  Author 

of  this  Autobiography 251 

Appendix  III.  Questionnaire  on  Homosexuality  . 259 

Index 260 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


Opposite  — 

The  Author  Ready  to  Set  Out  on  Life’s 

Journey Title  page 

The  Author  — a Modern  Living  Replica  of 
the  Ancient  Greek  Statue  of  “ Herma- 

phroditos  ” Page  5 

Ancient  Greek  Statue  of  an  Androgyne,  called 
“ Hermaphroditos,”  now  in  the  Uffizi 
Gallery,  Florence,  Italy  . . . ' . . Page  6 

The  Author  at  Thirty-four Page  235 

The  Author  at  Forty-four Page  242 


INTRODUCTION 


I offer  no  apology  for  bringing  the  Autobiography  of 
an  Androgyne  before  the  members  of  the  learned  profes- 
sions, to  whom  the  sale  of  this  book  is  restricted. 

Were,  in  my  opinion,  an  apology  needed,  this  volume 
would  not  make  its  appearance  through  my  instrumen- 
tality. 

The  reason  for  its  appearance  is  missionary,  and  there- 
fore I consider  it  right  and  proper  that  I should  explain 
what  I hope  to  accomplish  thereby. 

I am  sorry  not  to  be  able  to  say  that  the  appearance  of 
this  volume  will  fill  a longfelt  want. 

For,  although  I hope  to  fill  with  the  Autobiography 
of  an  Androgyne  a void ; yet,  had  this  void  been  recog- 
nized, were  the  want  felt  to  have  this  void  filled,  my  task 
would  be  easier  of  accomplishment. 

The  void  whereof  I speak  is  the  colossal  ignorance  of 
the  reasons  for  homosexual  practices  on  one  side,  and 
the  pharisaical  pulchritude  on  the  other  side,  which,  al- 
though knowing  that  homosexuality  has  been  practiced 
uninterruptedly  from  biblical  times  up  to  the  present,  re- 
fuses to  study  its  causes  or  its  devotees ; and  while  not 
endeavoring  to  make  this  world  a better  place  to  live  in 
through  its  own  abandoning  unwholesome  practices,  vices 
and  other  actions  which,  although  approved,  condoned  or 
ignored  by  the  multitude  — because  these  actions  are  pop- 
ular — are  condemned  by  philosophers  and  thinkers,  yet 


ii 


Introduction. 


will  crucify  those  whose  vices  are  much  less  harmful,  be- 
cause they  are  vices  for  which  this  pharisaical  pulchritude 
has  no  taste,  which  therefore  it  cannot  understand,  and 
not  understanding  them,  cannot  condone. 

This  is  to  be  no  brief  in  defense  of  homosexuality,  al- 
though, were  I to  try  to  find  redeeming  features  for  homo- 
sexual practices  in  certain  cases  and  under  certain  cir- 
cumstances, I would  not  have  to  cudgel  my  brain  overly 
to  do  so. 

This  is  not  intended  as  a defense  of  all  those  who  in- 
dulge in  homosexual  practices. 

Such  a defense  might  be  attempted  and  successfully 
carried  out,  were  it  possible  to  bring  this  question  before 
a jury  of  unbiased,  open-minded  and  independent  thinkers, 
who  would  decide  the  question  upon  the  platform  of  equal 
justice  to  all,  weighing  the  relative  harmfulness  of  all 
sexual  crimes  and  excesses,  and  who  would  not  punish 
those  indulging  in  homosexual  practices,  if  they  refuse  to 
punish  those  indulging  in  sexual  crimes  and  excesses 
vastly  more  injurious  to  the  human  race  and  to  society. 

This  book  is  published  in  an  endeavor  to  obtain  justice 
and  humane  treatment  for  the  Androgynes,  that  class  of 
homosexualists  in  whom  homosexuality  is  not  an  acquired 
vice  but  in  whom  it  is  congenital. 

In  pleading  a case  in  Court,  even  before  the  highest 
tribunals,  it  is  good  practice  not  to  take  it  for  granted 
that  the  judge  knows  the  law,  or  even  facts,  which  might 
appear  to  the  pleader  to  be  matters  of  common  knowledge; 
and  so  I may  be  excused  if  I state  to  the  reader  matters 
which  to  him  may  be  already  familiar. 


Introduction. 


iii 


Let  us  then  first  consider  what  Homosexuality  is. 

Homosexuality  means  sexual  love  for  one  of  the  same 
sex. 

Thus,  if  a male  feels  sexual  desire  for  another  male,  or 
a female  for  another  female,  they  are  called  sexually  in- 
verted or  homosexual. 

Freud  claims  that  there  is  in  every  one  an  original  bi- 
sexual tendency,  which  is  also  established  anatomically. 

Normal  development  leads  from  bisexuality  to  the  pri- 
macy of  the  heterosexual  instinct. 

Thus  inversion  corresponds  to  a disturbance  of  devel- 
opment. 

Whether  one  agrees  with  Freud,  that  homosexuality  or 
inversion  originates  in  every  instance  in  early  childhood, 
or  whether  one  disagrees  with  him  and  takes  the  stand 
which  I take,  that  some  cases  of  homosexuality  are  con- 
genital, that  others  are  acquired  in  early  childhood,  while 
others  again  are  the  result  of  vice  or  sexual  necessity,  as 
among  soldiers,  sailors,  or  in  schools ; we  must  come  to  the 
conclusion,  that  laws  which  do  not  differentiate  in  the 
punishment  of  crimes  against  nature  between  those  who 
are  born  inverts  or  whose  inversion  dates  from  early  child- 
hood and  those  whose  homosexuality  is  due  to  vice  or 
association  and  who  amphogenously  inverted  or  occa- 
sionally inverted  use  a sexual  object  belonging  either  to 
the  same  or  the  opposite  sex,  are  inadequate,  antiquated, 
not  keeping  step  with  the  progress  wdiich  has  been  made 
as  to  the  subject,  and  should  be  changed. 

The  subject  has  been  discussed  not  for  tens,  or  hun- 
dreds, but  for  thousands  of  years. 


iv 


Introduction. 


Martial,  in  his  epigrams,  treats  of  homosexuality ; Soc- 
rates and  Alcibiades  were  said  to  have  been  lovers ; this  is 
the  reason  why  paederasty  is  also  called  Socratic  love. 

Homosexuality  in  women  is  called  tribadism,  euphem- 
ism, Lesbian  or  Sapphic  love;  this  because  Sappho,  after 
having  lost  Faon,  is  said  to  have  turned  from  men  to 
homosexual  love. 

This  should  be  sufficient  to  show  that  homosexuality 
was  discussed  among  the  Romans  and  Greeks,  and  it  is 
well  known  that  the  Bible  is  not  quiet  about  it. 

Thus  then  one  should  expect  that  a subject  which  has 
been  so  much  discussed  should  be  well  enough  understood 
to  have  its  devotees  treated  fairly. 

Let  us  see  what  the  law  has  to  say  about  it? 

While  in  some  countries  homosexuality  is  not  punish- 
able, in  the  United  States  the  law  on  homosexuality  is  all 
comprised  in  the  statutes  under  the  term  of  Sodomy. 

This  comprises  not  only  homosexuality,  but  also  besti- 
ality. 

The  Penal  Code  of  the  State  of  New  York,  par.  303, 
says : 

Crimes  against  Nature. 

A person  who  carnally  knows  in  any  manner  any  ani- 
mal or  bird ; or  carnally  knows  any  male  or  female  person 
by  the  anus  or  by  or  with  the  mouth ; or  voluntarily  sub- 
mits to  such  carnal  knowledge;  or  attempts  sexual  inter- 
course with  a dead  body  is  guilty  of  sodomy  and  is  pun- 
ishable with  imprisonment  for  not  more  than  twenty  years. 

Par.  304 : 

Penetration  sufficient. 


Introduction. 


v 


Any  sexual  penetration,  however  slight,  is  sufficient  to 
complete  the  crime  specified  in  the  last  section. 

Our  discussion  has  nothing  to  do  with  bestiality  or 
sexual  violation  of  the  dead  or  unnatural  practices  be- 
tween persons  of  different  sex. 

And  here  I wish  to  state  that  homosexuality  between 
females,  or  so-called  Lesbian  or  Sapphic  love,  has,  to  my 
knowledge,  never  been  punished  in  the  United  States,  al- 
though the  statute  seems  broad  enough  to  cover  certain 
sexual  practices,  as  for  example  cunnilingus,  between  fe- 
males, while  tribadism,  in  which  there  is  no  penetration, 
and  whose  devotees  according  to  Yanez,  are  called  in 
Spain  vulgarly  “ tortilleras,”  according  to  the  New  York 
Code  can  not  be  punished,  as  there  is  no  penetration. 
Yanez,  in  his  Medicina  Legal,  published  in  Madrid  in 
1881,  gives  an  excellent  description  of  homosexuality  and 
describes  also  the  general  appearance  of  those  male  homo- 
sexualists  whose  ways  and  manners  resemble  those  of  the 
female  sex,  and  who  in  common  parlance  in  the  United 
States  are  called  “Fairies.” 

Tidy,  in  his  Legal  Medicine,  not  only  refers,  in  dis- 
cussing homosexuality,  to  Romans,  I,  26,  but  gives  some 
historical  references,  and  cites  a number  of  English  cases. 

In  speaking  of  “ sodomites,”  he  says : “ Sodomites  are 

persons  of  all  ages,  but  they  usually  present  a somewhat 
feminine  appearance,  or  strive  to  appear  like  women.  To 
this  end  they  commonly  conceal  or  destroy,  as  far  as  prac- 
ticable, such  virile  appendages  as  beard,  whiskers,  or 
moustache,  wearing  a profusion  of  jewelry,  paint  and 


vi 


Introduction. 


padding.  So  far,  indeed,  may  this  liking  go,  that  in  one 
case  a male  to  the  death  is  said  to  have  passed  himself  off 
as  a female,  being  employed  evidently  as  a passive  agent. 

“ And  yet,  curious  to  say,  sodomites  generally  affect 
the  society  of  their  own  sex,  and  avoid  that  of  the  oppo- 
site sex. 

“ To  them  natural  sexual  intercourse  is  frequently  a 

matter  of  absolute  distaste All  this  suggests  the 

curious  question,  whether  such  aberration  of  sexual  de- 
sires may  not  be  the  result  of  an  incipient  hermaphrodism. 
Casper’s  account  of  a brotherhood  of  sodomites  and  of 
their  mutual  powers  of  recognition,  further  suggests  to 
the  medical  jurist  (dangerous  as  the  very  idea  may  be 
accounted)  how  far  the  criminality  of  these  people  is  not 
beyond  their  control.  But  on  the  other  hand,  undoubted 
sodomites  are  to  be  found  with  none  of  the  characteristics 
just  described  and  free  from  all  hereditary  taint.” 

I have  quoted  from  Tidy  at  such  length,  to  show  that 
Tidy  recognized  the  fact  that  in  certain  homosexualists  a 
hereditary  taint  is  the  cause  and  because  I wish  to  empha- 
size the  fact  that  while  the  condition  has  been  recognized 
by  Tidy  and  others,  yet  it  has  not  been  clearly  under- 
stood. 

This  can  be  deduced  from  the  words  above  quoted,  that 
“ curious  to  say,  sodomites  generally  affect  the  society  of 
their  own  sex.” 

It  must  be  understood,  that  the  congenital  homosexual- 
ist  is  really  a human  being,  born  with  the  body  of  a male, 
with  perhaps  some  female  characteristics,  but  with  the 
soul  of  a female.  The  congenital  homosexualist  always 


Introduction. 


vii 


feels  himself  as  a female,  and  therefore  is  always  attracted 
towards  men  and  would  rather  be  in  their  society  than  in 
the  society  of  females,  who  are  sexually  repulsive  to  him. 
This  Tidy  evidently  failed  to  clearly  understand. 

This  then  is  my  contention,  that  homosexuality  is  either 
an  acquired  vice,  that  is  to  say  a habit,  or  an  acquired 
mental  aberration,  that  is  to  say,  insanity,  or  congenital ; 
and  then  it  is  that  a human  being  is  born  with  a body  with 
sexual  organs  all  those  of  the  male,  yet  most  likely  with  a 
body  which  shows  certain  earmarks  of  the  female,  and  with 
a soul  nearly  all  female,  but  certainly  entirely  female  in 
regard  to  the  sex  question.  Such  a person  is  a homo- 
sexualist,  because  he  feels  like  a woman  and  to  him  all 
male  persons  belong  to  the  opposite  sex.  He  is  not  a 
roue,  who  has  developed  homosexuality  as  a vice,  but  he 
is  born  an  androgyne,  whom  we  can  recognize  in  his  man- 
ners and  mannerisms ; a male  person  with  female  ways. 

If  then  the  Bible  already  speaks  of  homosexual  prac- 
tices and  warns  against  the  idolatrous  homosexual  prac- 
tices devoted  to  Moloch  and  Bal  Phegor;  if  already  Juve- 
nal and  Martial  and  Cornelius  Nepos  describe  homosex- 
uality, were  it  not  about  time  that  something  were  done 
to  change  the  existing  laws? 

Hofman,  in  his  Lehrbucli  der  gerichtlichen  Medizin, 
published  in  1884,  draws  attention  to  the  fact  that  passive 
paederasts  are  generally  of  remarkable  femininity,  and 
quotes  Brouardel  as  also  remarking  that  this  female  ap- 
pearance, these  female  actions  and  these  female  habits, 
likes  and  dislikes  are  generally  congenital. 

Tidy  also,  in  his  work  on  Legal  Medicine,  published  in 


viii 


Introduction. 


1883,  states:  “Nor  must  the  hereditary  nature  of  such 
crimes  be  overlooked.” 

To  quote  from  Beranger: 

“ Son  teint,  reluisant  de  pomade, 

Par  le  earmin  est  embelli. 

On  le  devine,  quand  il  passe, 

Autour  de  lui  l’air  est  ambre. 

Ses  cheveux  bouclent  avec  grace? 

Son  habit  presse  un  dos  cambre. 

Comme  une  coquette  un  peu  grasse, 

Dans  un  corset  il  est  serre.” 

Mantegazza,  in  his  Hygiene  of  Love,  published  in  1877, 
mentions  the  subject  and  states  that  these  cases  generally 
are  not  due  to  congenital  aberration,  thus  admitting  that 
some  of  them  are.  I think  that  it  was  in  1877  when  Krafft- 
Ebing  first  drew  attention  to  the  psycho-pathology  of  cer- 
tain forms  of  homosexuality;  since  that  time  forty  years 
have  passed,  and  still  the  laws  fail  to  differentiate  between 
the  vicious  paederasts  and  the  unfortunate  passive  paeder- 
asts. The  distinction  between  those  in  whom  homosexual 
practices  are  a vice  and  in  whom  they  are  a misfortune,  is, 
it  seems  to  me,  generally  very  easily  made.  The  vicious 
homosexualist  acts  the  part  of  a male.  The  unfortunate, 
insane  or  congenital  homosexualist  acts  the  part  of  a fe- 
male. The  one  is  active,  the  other  passive. 

That  the  passive  homosexualist  is  a victim  of  nature, 
an  unfortunate  who  is  generally  despised  and  hounded, 
seems  however  not  to  be  enough,  for  he  is  also  considered 
legitimate  prey  of  the  underworld,  who  blackmail  these 


Introduction. 


is 


unfortunates  systematically.  This  form  of  blackmail  is 
known  under  the  term  of  “ chantage,”  and  practiced  in 
every  large  city  of  the  European  and  American  continents. 
The  laws  against  homosexuality,  as  at  present  in  force, 
similar  to  the  Mann  White  Slave  Act,  seem  to  only  serve 
blackmailing  crooks,  so  as  to  give  them  an  easy  living. 

It  is  true  that  homosexuality  at  present  is  not  punished 
as  severely  as  it  was  in  olden  times.  It  was  not  so  long 
ago  when  in  Europe  it  was  punished  by  burning,  later  by 
burying  alive;  only  a few  years  ago  in  the  United  States 
it  was  punishable  by  hanging;  now  the  punishment  is  much 
milder,  but,  if  it  be  admitted  that  homosexuality  in  cer- 
tain easily  recognizable  persons  is  congenital  and  incur- 
able, and  if  it  be  also  admitted  that  it  surely  is  a great 
deal  less  harmful  than  ordinary  prostitution,  why  punish 
it  at  all,  or  why  not  at  least  exempt  from  punishment 
those  homosexualists  whom  Krafft-Ebing  so  rightly  calls 
“true  stepchildren  of  nature”? 

The  author  of  the  Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne 
called  on  me  some  time  ago  with  his  manuscript,  imploring 
me  to  read  it  and  to  publish  it. 

He  told  me  that  he  had  written  most  of  it  years  ago 
and  that  he  had  spent  a great  deal  of  time  trying  to  find 
a publisher,  but  unsuccessfully. 

He  stated  that  he  had  written  his  autobiography  in  an 
endeavor  to  bring  his  misfortune  vividly  before  the  medi- 
cal and  legal  fraternities,  for  the  purpose  of  lightening 
the  heavy  load  which  rested  so  unjustly,  as  he  said,  upon 
the  unfortunates  of  his  class. 


I 


X 


Introduction. 


While  proving  to  me  through  letters  which  were  in  his 
possession  and  which  were  addressed  to  him  under  various 
pseudonyms,  that  he  had  submitted  his  work  to  different 
men  of  learning,  all  of  whom  commented  upon  it  favorably, 
still  the  fact  that  he  had  unsuccessfully  tried  to  find  a 
publisher  among  the  various  publishers  of  medical  works, 
was  not  a very  good  introduction  of  his  manuscript  to  me; 
yet  the  open  statement  of  this  fact  spoke  for  his  honesty, 
and  although  very  busy  at  the  time,  I promised  him  that 
I would  read  it. 

Now  a word  about  the  author:  While,  according  to 
his  own  statement,  he  is  in  the  fifth  decade,  he  would  pass 
as  considerably  younger.  I have  seen  him  during  the 
preparation  of  the  work  a score  of  times  and  have  had 
some  slight  chance  of  observing  him. 

His  language  was  always  very  carefully  chosen  and 
showed  considerable  polish. 

His  manner  was  always  very  gentlemanly  and  inoffen- 
sive. 

In  figure  he  is  short,  stout  and  has  a very  arched  back. 

His  voice  is  rather  hoarse,  trembling  and  has,  perhaps, 
a certain  female  timbre. 

His  manner  seemed  generally  timid  and  embarrassed, 
and  he  blushes  very  easily. 

From  his  appearance  and  manners  he  can,  by  the 
gnoscenti,  be  easily  recognized  as  an  Androgyne. 

His  avowed  purpose  in  writing  and  desiring  the  publi- 
cation of  his  Autobiography,  is,  as  I stated  before,  by 
describing  his  martyrdom,  to  lighten  the  burdens  which 
other  Androgynes  have  to  bear;  yet  my  study  of  iiim 


Introduction. 


xi 


makes  me  think  that  the  underlying  and  perhaps  to  him 
unknown  reason  for  the  creation  of  this  Autobiography  is 
vanity. 

The  author  is  extremely  vain. 

My  impression  of  him  is,  that  while  he  really  suffered 
the  agonies  he  describes ; while  he  really  in  the  beginning 
of  his  career  underwent  the  soul  struggles  he  tells  about ; 
yet  he  is  at  present  extremely  proud  of  the,  to  him  un- 
disputable  fact,  that  he  is  all  of  a woman’s  soul  in  a body 
which  he  believes  to  be  one-third  female  and  thus  only 
two-thirds  male. 

There  is  no  doubt  but  that  his  body  shows  some  female 
characteristics ; especially  so  his  breasts. 

He  glories  in  it. 

To  him,  this  at  least  is  my  impression,  to  be  all  woman 
would  be  heavenly. 

Some  years  ago  he  underwent  the  operation  of  castra- 
tion. 

He  says,  and  perhaps  he  believes,  that  the  reason  why 
he  underwent  the  operation  was,  that  he  suffered  from 
spermatorrhoea. 

My  belief  is,  that,  feeling  as  a woman,  desiring  to  be  a 
woman  and  wishing  to  seem  as  much  as  possible  like  a 
woman  to  his  male  paramours,  he  hated  above  all  the 
testicles,  those  insignia  of  manhood,  and  had  them  re- 
moved to  be  more  alike  to  that  which  he  wished  to  be. 

I read  through  his  Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne. 

I cannot  say  that  I enjoyed  it. 

I neither  liked  the  style  in  which  it  wras  written,  nor  the 
manner  in  which,  to  me,  unimportant  details  were  given  a 


xii 


Introduction. 


great  deal  of  space,  nor  the  manner  in  which  vital  ques- 
tions were  entirely  overlooked. 

I did  not  see  any  scientific  value  in  the  conversations 
related  nor  any  poetical  value  in  the  verses  recited. 

The  subject  matter  was  all  well  known  to  me  and 
nauseating. 

I was  to  edit  this  “ Autobiography  ” and  stood  aghast 
at  the  task  that  I thought  was  before  me. 

I saw  the  author  and  told  him  what  I have  just  stated 
and  that  in  my  opinion  the  book  had  neither  literary  nor 
scientific  value  in  the  way  in  which  he  thought  it  had. 

I found  that  the  author  was  severely  hurt.  This  Auto- 
biography was  his  joy  — a work  which  this  epoch  had 
been  waiting  for  and  which  futurity  will  crown  as  a classic. 

He  fought  with  all  his  might  against  any  of  his  verses 
being  omitted.  Every  single  word  that  I wanted  to 
change  or  expunge  was  of  vital  importance  to  him. 

And  then  I saw  a light. 

The  Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne  would  serve  its 
mission  best  unedited,  and  so  it  practically  remains. 

The  author,  in  writing  this  book,  has  written  into  it 
his  own  soul,  for  him  to  read  who  can  see  further  than 
the  printed  word. 

He  has  lighted  a torch  to  show  in  his  own  way  the  baser 
sex  feelings  of  a sexual  invert. 

He  has  shown  some  of  the  suffering  which  he  has  un- 
dergone at  the  beginning  of  his  career. 

He  has  shown  the  contempt  in  which  the  Androgyne  is 
held  by  reason  of  a psychical  aberration  not  of  his  own 
making. 


Introduction. 


xiii 

He  has  shown  how  the  homosexualist  who  does  not  do 
because  he  wills  but  who  does  because  he  must,  is  exploited 
by  the  criminal  classes. 

In  thus  lighting  the  torch  and  holding  it  up  for  us  to 
see  what  he  desires  us  to  see,  he  also  unconsciously  lights 
up  himself  in  all  his  womanly  vanity,  showing  his  pride 
in  the  fact  that  he  is  different  from  others;  showing  his 
pride  in  his  many  conquests ; in  fact,  if  I may  use  the 
word  in  a perhaps  not  quite  exact  way,  giving  a psycho- 
analysis of  himself  without  attempting  to  do  so. 

Thus  then,  while  the  author  offers  the  Autobiography 
of  an  Androgyne  as  a plain  chronological  statement  of 
facts  slightly  covered  to  hide  his  identity,  I offer  it  at  the 
same  time  as  a psychological  study,  well  worthy  of  a care- 
ful analysis. 

Whether  this  volume  is  read  from  the  author’s  view- 
point or  from  mine,  only  one  conclusion  can  be  reached: 

Such  as  he  are  not  to  be  punished. 

Alfred  W.  Herzog. 


October,  1918. 


AUTHOR’S  PREFACE 


From  childhood  I have  been  unusually  introspective. 
I began  to  keep  a diary  at  the  age  of  fourteen,  and  have 
continued  it  up  to  past  the  age  of  forty  almost  without 
intermission.  Even  my  earliest  diaries  dealt  with  the 
phenomena  of  my  sexual  life,  so  that  in  general  I have  had 
to  keep  them  under  lock  and  key. 

The  third  physician  from  whom  I sought  a cure  for 
my  sexual  abnormality  gave  me  to  understand  as  early  as 
1892  that  my  case  was  a remarkable  one.  This  pro- 
nouncement incited  me  still  further  to  keep  a record  of 
what  life  brought  me  with  a view  to  writing  an  auto- 
biography some  day. 

In  1899,  at  the  age  of  twenty-five,  I wrote  the  accom- 
panying account  of  my  life  down  to  that  age,  and  sub- 
sequently added  accounts  of  significant  events  as  they 
occurred.  I also  from  time  to  time  edited  and  made 
inserts  in  what  I had  already  written.  As  a result,  parts 
of  some  pages  were  written  in  different  years.  The  book 
has  been  fated  to  wait  eighteen  years  for  publication, 
primarily  because  American  medical  publishers  — on  the 
basis  of  the  attitude  of  the  profession  — have  had  an 
antipathy  against  books  dealing  with  abnormal  sexual 
phenomena. 


1 


2 


Author’s  Preface. 


I wish  to  impress  upon  the  reader  that  I have  not  let 
the  sexual  appetite  possess  first  place  in  my  life.  It  had 
to  have  its  place,  but  the  appetite  itself,  exclusive  of  its 
effects,  occupied  only  a small  place.  From  this  auto- 
biography a hasty  reader  might  obtain  the  impression 
that  I was  completely  absorbed  in  the  line  of  life  and 
thought  here  presented,  that  it  was  all  I lived  for.  But 
it  is  to  be  remembered  that  the  object  of  the  book  is  to 
delineate  the  phenomena  of  androgynism,  passive  sexual 
inversion,  and  psychical  infantilism  as  they  manifested 
themselves  in  the  life  of  its  writer,  and  to  give  only  such 
part  of  his  life  as  was  out  of  the  ordinary.  My  non- 
sexual  life  has  been  along  the  same  lines  as  that  of  all 
other  intellectual  workers,  and  is  barely  touched  upon  in 
this  autobiography,  that  is,  only  where  it  has  a bearing 
on  the  phenomena  to  be  delineated.  Taking  my  adult- 
hood as  a whole,  the  sexual  side  of  life  has  probably  oc- 
cupied my  attention  only  to  the  same  extent  as  in  the 
case  of  the  average  virile  man,  although  much  more  than 
in  the  case  of  the  average  woman. 

I am  uncertain  whether  the  writing  out  of  my  experi- 
ences has  tended  to  mitigate  my  sexual  instincts.  If  it 
has  had  any  influence  in  this  direction,  nearly  a score  of 
years  has  been  requisite  to  make  perceptible  its  curative 
quality. 

My  own  is  not  an  isolated  case.  Among  most  races 
and  in  all  ages  of  the  world,  one  individual  out  of  about 
every  three  hundred  physical  males  — on  a conservative 
estimate  — is  by  birth  predominantly  female  ps3mhically. 
I merely  furnish  an  extreme  case  of  passive  inversion,  and 


Author’s  Preface.  3 

my  life  experience  has  simply  been  unusually  varied  and 
noteworthy. 

The  author  trusts  that  every  medical  man,  every  law- 
yer, and  every  other  friend  of  science  who  reads  this 
autobiography  will  thereby  be  moved  to  say  a kind  word 
for  any  of  the  despised  and  oppressed  step-children  of 
Nature  — the  sexually  abnormal  by  birth  — who  may 
happen  to  be  within  his  field  of  activity. 


April,  1918. 


The  Author 


The  Author  — A Modern  Living  Replica  of  the  Ancient  Greek  Statue  of  “ Hermaphrodites.” 


AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
OF  AN 
ANDROGYNE 


HefTnaphroditos. 

The  fusion  in  one  human  being  of  the  distinctive  phys- 
ical and  mental  characteristics  of  the  two  sexes  has  from 
antiquity  proved  to  be  a phenomenon  interesting  to  man- 
kind. In  some  of  the  great  museums  of  the  world  can 
still  be  seen  examples  of  the  classical  statue  of  Hermaphro- 
ditos,  with  complete  primary  male  sexual  determinants 
and  no  trace  of  female,  but  with  female  secondary  de- 
terminants. The  work  now  in  the  hands  of  the  reader 
portrays  the  inner  history  and  the  life  experience  of  such 
a specimen  of  the  genus  homo. 

An  “ hermaphrodite,”  according  to  the  original  Greek 
signification  of  this  term,  was  not  an  individual  — in  the 
modern  sense  — having  both  the  male  and  the  female 
organs  of  reproduction  in  whole  or  in  part,  or  a curious 
fusion  of  the  two,  but  only  those  of  the  male.  In  other 
respects,  however,  the  bodily  form  was  that  of  a female. 
The  hermaphrodite  was  thus,  according  to  the  Greeks, 


6 


“ Androgyne  ” Defined. 


a female  with  male  genitals.  Because  modern  usage  has 
diverted  the  term  “ hermaphrodite  ” to  a different  sig- 
nification, the  word  “ androgyne  ” has  come  into  use  to 
denote  an  individual  with  male  genitals,  but  whose  phys- 
ical structure  otherwise,  whose  psychical  constitution,  and 
vita  sexualis  approach  the  female  type. 

Androgynes  have  of  course  existed  in  all  ages  of  his- 
tory and  among  all  races.  In  Greek  and  Latin  authors 
there  are  many  references  to  them,  but  these  references 
are  not  always  understood  except  by  the  few  scholars  who 
are  themselves  androgynes  or  at  least  passive  sexual  in- 
verts. About  the  middle  of  the  16th  century,  the  cel- 
ebrated theologian  Beza  more  clearly  wrote : “ What 

shall  I say  of  these  vile  and  stinking  androgynes,  that 
is  to  say,  these  men-women,  with  their  curled  locks,  their 
crisped  and  frizzled  hair?”1  As  is  evident  in  this  pas- 
sage, these  men-women,  because  misunderstood,  have  been 
held  in  great  abomination  both  in  the  middle  ages  and  in 
modern  times,  but  the  prejudice  against  them  was  not  so 
extreme  in  antiquity,  and  a cultured  citizen  having  this 
nature  did  not  then  lose  caste  on  this  account. 

But  until  Krafft-Ebing  published  his  epoch-making 
work,  Psychopathia  Sexualis,  in  the  last  decade  of  the 
19th  century,  European  and  American  medical  science 
was  either  practically  ignorant  of  or  else  ignored  the 
existence  of  androgynism.  But  that  author  treated 
principally  of  other  unusual  sexual  phenomena.  Very 
little  of  androgynism  came  under  his  observation.  I 
quote  from  page  389  of  the  English  translation  of  th^ 
i Harmar’s  translation  of  Beza,  page  173. 


Ancient  Greek  Statue  of  an  Androgyne,  Called  “ Hermaphrodites,”  Now  in  the  Uffizi  Gallery, 

Florence,  Italy. 


“ Fairie  ” Defined. 


7 


12th  edition  of  his  work : “ There  is  yet  wanting  a 

sufficient  record  of  cases  belonging  to  this  interesting 
group  of  women  in  masculine  attire  with  masculine 
genitals.” 

The  present  work  discloses  not  only  the  life  of  an 
androgyne  per  se,  but  that  of  a “ fairie  ” or  “ petit-jesus,” 
the  life  of  which  rare  human  “ sport  ” (in  the  bio- 
logical sense)  your  author  was  apparently  also  pre- 
destined to  live  out  in  a way  immeasurably  more  varied 
than  falls  to  the  lot  of  the  ordinary  fairie,  having  had 
a limited  experience  in  this  vocation  in  Berlin  and  Paris 
and  other  great  European  cities,  in  addition  to  his  ex- 
tensive experience  in  New  York. 

The  “ fairie  ” is  a youthful  androgyne  or  other  passive 
invert  (for  they  are  perhaps  not  all  members  of  the 
extreme  class  of  androgynes)  whom  natural  predestina- 
tion or  other  circumstances  led  to  adopt  the  profession 
of  the  fille  de  joie.  The  term  “fairie”  is  widely  used 
in  the  United  States  by  those  who  are  in  touch  with 
the  underworld.  It  probably  originated  on  sailing  ves- 
sels of  olden  times  when  voyages  often  lasted  for  months. 
While  the  crew  was  either  actually  or  prospectively 
suffering  acutely  from  the  absence  of  the  female  of  the 
species,  one  of  their  number  would  unexpectedly  betray 
an  inclination  to  supply  her  place.  Looked  upon  as  a 
fairy  gift  or  godsend,  such  individual  would  be  referred 
to  as  “ the  fairy.”  As  the  author  is  one  of  the  first 
users  of  the  printed  word  in  this  derived  sense,  he  has 
elected  to  adopt  a distinctive  spelling. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  explain  that  the  sacrilegious 


8 


Types  of  Hermaphrodism. 


term,  “ petit-jesus,”  commonly  used  in  France,  means 
“ a little  Jesus.”  This  term  would  naturally  be  applied 
to  youthful  pathics  by  the  irreverent  because  being 
psychically  female,  they  are  likely  to  be  “ saintly  ” or 
“ goody-goodies,”  as  were  both  your  author  as  a youth, 
and  practically  all  the  youthful  pathics  he  has  known. 
******* 

Contrary  to  the  ordinary  view,  there  exists,  in  the  hu- 
man race,  no  sharp  dividing  line  between  the  sexes,  just 
as  there  exists  none  between  the  vegetable  and  the  animal 
kingdoms.  The  two  sexes  gradually  merge  into  each 
other.  Between  the  complete  physical  and  psychical  man 
and  the  similarly  complete  woman,  there  are  innumerable 
stages  of  transitional  individuals.  As  there  are  organ- 
isms which  the  novice  would  be  puzzled  to  classify  as  ani- 
mal or  vegetable,  so  there  are  human  beings  who  have  a 
just  claim  to  be  classed  with  the  sex  other  than  that  with 
which  they  are  commonly  classed.  Some  examples  of 
these  transitional  individuals  are  the  psychical  hermaph- 
rodite, the  pseudo-hermaphrodite,  the  mujerado  of  the 
Mexican  Indians,  the  man-woman  of  East  India,  and 
the  virago  or  amazon,  as  well  as  the  fairie,  already  men- 
tioned. 

Besides  the  fact  of  the  existence  of  the  decidedly  her- 
maphroditic or  androgynous  types  named,  there  exists  a 
continuous  scale  of  mental  sexuality  along  which  all  human 
beings  might  be  arranged,  the  poles  of  which  are  thor- 
ough masculinity  and  thorough  femininity,  respectively. 
At  the  masculine  pole  stand  the  warrior,  the  blue-jacket, 
the  pugilist,  etc.,  and  it  was  only  such,  the  tremendously 


ScalcE  Sexuales. 


9 


virile,  who  possess  no  gentle  or  feminine  traits  at  all,  to 
whom  your  author  was  ordinarily  attracted.  Further 
down  the  male  side  of  the  scale,  after  the  man  of  ad- 
venture and  sport,  come,  successively,  the  stevedore  and 
his  like,  the  manual  laborer,  and  the  merchant,  and  still 
lower,  the  scholar,  which  class  possesses  in  general  only 
a comparatively  low  degree  of  masculinity  and  virility. 
Partaking  largely  of  the  feminine  type  of  mind  are  the 
male  dress-maker  and  milliner,  and  the  dilettante. 

Those  at  the  extremity  of  the  male  side  of  the  scale, 
as  the  volunteer  soldier  and  sailor,  are  the  most  strongly 
inclined  to  venery,  as  a general  rule.  This  is  your  au- 
thor’s conclusion  after  intimate  experience  with  800 
young  men,  of  whom  at  least  one-half  belonged  to  the 
occupations  just  designated.  He  concludes  further  from 
his  experience  that  nearly  all  who  associate  with  a fairie 
belong  to  this  “ tremendously  virile  ” class.  It  is  also 
probably  true  that  congenital  active  pederasts  belong 
chiefly  to  this  class.  The  individuals  near  the  lower  end 
of  the  male  side  of  the  scale,  as  the  college  professor,  are 
as  a rule  continent  by  birth,  and  fathers  of  few  children, 
while  those  at  the  lower  end,  as  the  male  milliner  and  the 
dilettante,  are  likely  to  be  sexual  inverts.  Your  author 
happens  to  be  a pronounced  specimen  of  the  dilettante. 

At  the  beginning  of  the  feminine  side  of  the  scale,  and 
likely  also  to  be  inverts,  stand  the  woman  soldier  (surrep- 
titious), the  woman  marksman,  and  the  woman  gymnast. 
Lower  down  stands  the  ordinary  mater  familias,  entirely 
normal  sexually  and  completely  satisfied  with  monandry. 
The  fille  de  joie  stands  still  lower,  and  is  as  a rifle  more 


10 


Author’s  Feminine  Characteristics. 


intensely  feminine  and  childlike  than  the  mater  familias. 
Many  are  also  naturally  polyandrous.  At  the  feminine 
pole  we  find  the  helpless  cry-baby  species  of  woman.  The 
author  aspired  to  be  of  this  type,  and  always,  when  im- 
personating a woman,  acted  out  this  type. 

As  already  indicated,  the  participation  of  the  trans- 
itional individuals  in  the  characters  of  the  two  sexes 
varies  in  all  degrees.  There  may  be  simply  a union  of 
the  perfect  body  of  one  sex  with  the  susceptibility  to  such 
sexual  charms  as  ordinarily  attract  the  other  sex  alone, 
or  with  the  mental  traits  of  the  other  sex.  Or  the  indi- 
vidual may  possess  the  male  genitals,  but  be  beardless, 
or  else  possess  mammary  glands,  broad  pelvis,  and  sacral 
dimples ; or  possessing  the  female  genitals,  have  a rudi- 
mentary moustache,  or  else  meagrely  developed  breasts, 
narrow  pelvis,  etc.  Instances  have  been  known  of  human 
beings  with  an  ovary  on  one  side  of  the  body  and  a testicle 
on  the  other,  and  of  males  who  were  able  to  suckle  in- 
fants. 

As  to  my  own  feminine  characteristics,  I have  been  told 
by  intimate  associates  from  boyhood  down  to  my  middle 
forties  — when  this  book  goes  to  press  — that  I markedly 
resemble  a female  physically,  besides  having  instinctive 
gestures,  poses,  and  habits  that  are  characteristically 
feminine.  My  schoolmates  said  that  I would  make  a 
good-looking  girl  and  that  kissing  me  was  “ as  good 
as  kissing  a girl.”  When  I was  fourteen,  one  of  them 
remarked  that  my  calves  were  “ as  shapely  as  those  of  a 
girl.”  My  associates  in  college  have  remarked  how  much 
I was  like  a woman  in  form  and  manners,  though  they 


Femininity  Betrayed  in  Voice. 


11 


never  showed  evidence  of  a suspicion  that  I might  be  an 
invert.  They  were  probably  ignorant  of  the  existence 
of  this  human  sport.  “ He  blushes  like  a woman,”  was 
said  of  me.  Later,  in  my  fairie  days,  my  associates 
would  remark  that  my  hands  felt  like  a woman’s,  and 
that  my  skin  in  general  was  as  soft  as  a woman’s.  They 
said  that  my  voice,  especially  when  singing,  had  a fem- 
inine timbre.  The  voice  is  one  of  the  chief  criteria  by 
which  to  determine  abnormal  sexuality.  I fancy  that 
I can  diagnose  a man  sexually  simply  by  hearing  him  sing. 
For  example,  a male  invert,  as  well  as  the  closely  related 
“ eunuch  by  birth  ” or  anaphrodite,  is  likely  to  sing  a 
tenor  which  is  hardly  distinguishable  from  an  alto. 

I have  been  told  that  my  speaking  voice  is  a very  un- 
common one,  having  the  “ fulness  of  a woman’s  voice,” 
and  that  it  often  “ breaks  and  changes,  sometimes  in  the 
middle  of  a sentence ; from  being  masculine,  it  suddenly 
changes  timbre  and  becomes  decidedly  feminine.”  I have 
myself  observed  sometimes  when  in  conversation  with  a 
young  man  with  whom  I was  in  love  that  my  voice  would 
involuntarily  change  from  a bass  to  a treble.  My  voice 
has  also  been  described  as  “ soothing,  sentimental-sound- 
ing, gushing,  bland,  and  caressing.”  I have  been  told 
that  when  I talk,  involuntary  - — and  to  myself  uncon- 
scious — movements  of  the  lips  take  place  not  necessary 
for  articulation,  and  that  the  same  movements  take  place 
occasionally  even  when  I am  not  talking. 

Barbers  have  remarked  that  my  hair  is  “ literally  as 
fine  as  silk,”  that  they  had  “ never  seen  it  so  fine  in  any 
other  man.”  I believe  this  to  be  a general  peculiarity 


12  Femininity  — Physical  and  Psychical. 

of  androgynes,  who  also  have  a predilection  for  wearing 
the  hair  rather  long  because  they  think  it  contributes  to 
their  own  good  looks,  while  abhorring  long  hair  in  a 
normal  male. 

I have  the  feminine  slope  of  shoulders  and  the  feminine 
angle  of  arm.  Pelvis  is  broad  and  limbs  loosely  hung,  as 
in  a woman,  and  fingers  and  hands  rather  feminine  in 
their  general  fineness  of  texture,  comparative  absence  of 
hair,  absence  of  prominent  bones  and  veins,  and  the  soft- 
ness and  pleasing  tint  of  skin. 

Features  are  small  like  a woman’s,  but  nose,  lips,  and 
ears  large  in  proportion,  indicating  sensuality.  I possess 
mammary  glands  and  sacral  dimples.  While  my  breasts 
are  as  large  as  in  some  women,  the  nipples  are  small, 
even  for  a man.  I am  small-boned,  of  delicate  build,  and 
my  muscular  system  is  soft.  An  anatomist  of  national 
reputation  who  gave  me  a physical  examination  at  the 
age  of  thirty-three,  pronounced  approximately  one-third 
the  exterior  lines  of  my  body  those  of  the  female,  and  re- 
marked that  any  one  viewing  my  naked  form  from  the 
rear  and  not  knowing  my  sex,  would  pronounce  me  a 
female. 

I was  said  not  to  “ reason  like  a man,  that  is,  log- 
ically ” ; to  be  “fussy  and  inclined  to  peevishness”;  and 
to  have  “ great  patience  for  minute  details.” 

I was  said  to  throw  a ball,  drive  a nail,  etc.,  “ just  like 
a girl.”  A lead  pencil  sharpened  by  me  looks  as  if  I 
had  chewed  it  off  with  my  teeth.  I have  always  had  the 
feminine  instinct  of  screaming  at  slight  provocation. 
When  coasting  as  a child,  I always  sat  upright  after  the 


General  Physical  Traits. 


13 


manner  of  girls.  In  snowball  fights,  in  which  the  girls 
packed  the  snowrballs  behind  the  barrier  and  the  boys  ex- 
posed themselves  in  throwing,  I instinctively  took  my 
place  with  the  girls,  the  eternal  lack  of  fitness  never 
dawning  upon  me. 

I might  mention  here  some  further  characteristics  which 
are  not  peculiarly  feminine.  I am  below  the  average  stat- 
ure for  a man,  and  unusually  light  for  my  volume,  weigh- 
ing only  110  pounds  stripped  from  the  age  of  nineteen 
to  twenty-five,  after  I had  attained  my  maximum  height 
of  five  feet  five  inches.  My  back  is  much  arched.  Penis 
is  below  the  average  size,  but  entirely  normal.  Testicles 
were  pronounced  of  normal  appearance  by  the  surgeon 
who  castrated  me  at  the  age  of  twenty-eight. 

I am  of  the  brunette  type.  At  the  age  of  eighteen,  the 
growth  of  hair  on  my  body  and  limbs  became  more  lux- 
uriant than  on  the  average  male,  but  after  the  first 
shaving  off  of  all  this  hair  in  my  early  fairie-days,  I 
continued  to  be  far  less  hairy  than  the  average  man 
even  after  I ceased  the  practice  of  body-shaving. 

My  lips  are  a deep  red,  and  my  complexion  gives  the  ap- 
pearance of  good  health.  My  eyes  are  bistre-brown.  I 
have  been  told  that  I look  like  a woman  around  the  eyes, 
and  when  youthful  have  been  complimented  on  their 
beauty,  and  my  general  appearance  pronounced  not  un- 
prepossessing. I have  been  pursued  by  women,  and  have 
received  three  proposals  of  marriage.  In  general  the 
women  who  have  seemed  to  be  attracted  toward  me  have 
been  a few  years  older  than  myself.  Havelock  Ellis  has 
said  (“  Sexual  Inversion,”  page  140)  that  “ women  seem 


14 


Childlikeness. 


with  special  frequency  to  fall  in  love  with  disguised  persons 
of  their  own  sex.”  Your  author  is  really  a woman  whom 
Nature  disguised  as  a man. 

As  late  as  my  middle  forties  my  “ childlike  face  ” has 
been  commented  upon,  and  even  more  my  “ decidedly 
childlike  manner.”  I have  been  told  that  my  “ face  wears 
expressions  not  ordinarily  seen  on  persons  of  [my]  age,” 
that  in  the  office  my  childishness  is  a constant  source  of 
mirth  with  my  business  associates,  even  those  who  have 
not  had  the  faintest  idea  that  I am  sexually  abnormal 
and  even  addicted  to  fellatio,  and  that  they  watch  me 
while  I am  working  because  of  my  childlike  way  of  doing 
things  and  my  childlike  expression.  According  to  one  of 
my  business-associate  informants,  I still  had  in  my  middle 
thirties  “ the  real  childlike  naivete.”  The  term  “ grown- 
up child  ” has  also  been  affectionately  applied  to  me  by 
my  office  associates  down  to  my  middle  forties,  and  they 
have  said  that  teasing  me  was  “ just  like  teasing  a child.” 
All  through  my  life,  even  down  to  my  middle  forties,  when 
this  book  goes  to  press,  my  male  school  or  business  asso- 
ciates — most  of  whom  have  not  even  suspected  my  in- 
version — have  taken  delight  in  teasing  me  as  older  chil- 
dren a younger  child,  or  as  brothers  tease  their  sisters, 
and  I generally  liked  to  be  thus  teased. 

My  office  associates  in  a “ provincial  ” city  in  my  middle 
thirties  were  far  more  puritanical  and  unsophisticated 
than  those  in  New  York  City  of  my  middle  forties,  and 
never  gave  any  evidence  that  they  even  knew  of  the  ex- 
istence of  fairies.  But  those  of  the  later  period  showed 
such  knowledge,  and  several  times  made  remarks  to  me 


Infantilism. 


15 


indicating  their  suspicions  about  myself,  but  I always 
sought  to  counteract  them.  The  knowledge  of  unusual 
sexual  phenomena  is  apparently  far  more  widespread  in 
a great  cosmopolitan  center  like  New  York  than  in  a 
“ provincial  ” city. 

Further,  all  my  life  down  to  my  early  thirties,  my 
decidedly  virile  associates  in  school  and  business  have 
babied  me.  Indeed  in  some  respects  I have  never  ceased 
to  be  a baby  mentally.  I have  wept  and  sobbed  a great 
deal  all  my  life.  Up  to  my  early  thirties,  I yearned  to 
be  called  “ Baby  ” by  decidedly  virile  males,  and  to  have 
them  treat  me  as  a baby  and  a weakling.  All  through 
my  open  career  as  a fairie,  I conducted  myself  with  inti- 
mates in  the  same  way  as  a baby  of  two  years  towards 
its  mother.  Whenever  I have  seen  an  infant  nursing,  I 
have  been  seized  with  a desire  for  fellatio  cum  viro  of 
about  my  own  age,  and  have  sometimes  even  experienced 
an  attack  of  babyish  actions,  as  panting  or  cooing  in 
satisfaction,  or  swayed  the  head  or  other  parts  of  the 
body,  a sort  of  natural  graceful  dance  of  these  parts. 
I seem  to  have  retained  many  of  the  instincts  of  the  babe 
which  are  normally  outgrown  ; only  these  instincts  — the 
feeling  of  dependence,  the  looking  for  protection,  the 
yearning  to  be  held  in  the  arms  and  fellatio  (in  its  ety- 
mological sense)  — were,  after  the  age  of  four,  no  longer 
directed  to  the  mother,  but  to  stalwart  males  around  my 
own  age. 

I have  aged  slowly,  successfully  passing  for  twenty- 
four  as  a fairie  after  I had  reached  thirty-one,  and  for 
twenty-nine  in  my  middle  forties.  When  I was  thirty- 


16 


Perennial  Youth  — ZEstheticism. 


two,  a lady  of  forty  who  did  not  know  my  age  remarked 
of  me : “ Why  he  is  only  a boy ! ” When  I was  forty- 

two,  a business  associate  of  rather  long-standing  and  only 
twenty-six  years  of  age  remarked  that  he  had  “ never 
met  any  one  else  so  abnormal  as  [myself]  in  respect  to 
the  discrepancy  between  apparent  and  actual  age.”  I 
have  sometimes  thought  of  myself  as  “ the  boy  who  never 
grew  to  be  a man.”  Before  reaching  my  fortieth  }rear, 
it  was  my  ambition  to  preserve  my  youth  indefinitely.  In 
my  middle  forties  business  associates  have  asked  me  for 
the  recipe  for  perennial  youth.  Before  reaching  my  for- 
tieth year,  possibly  no  other  male  was  so  horrified  as  my- 
self at  the  thought  of  waning  youth  and  approaching 
old  age.  But  now  (1918),  in  my  middle  forties,  I am 
reconciled  to  growing  old. 

I am  rather  vain,  and  have  been  guilty  of  contem- 
plating my  reflection  in  a mirror.  Prior  to  my  middle 
forties  I was  of  a bashful  disposition  and  lacked  self- 
confidence,  except  when  following  out  my  fairie  instincts. 
Down  to  my  middle  forties  I have  been  unusually  fond 
of  small  animals  as  pets  and  have  covered  their  coats 
with  kisses.  I likewise  am  unusually  fond  of  petting  chil- 
dren. 

I am  devoid  of  practically  all  interest  in  sport.  In 
place  of  this  interest,  I happen  to  be  an  aesthete.  My 
home  is  an  art  gallery,  with  more  art  objects  per  cubic 
foot  than  I have  heard  to  exist  anywhere  else  outside  an 
art  gallery  or  shop.  Few  are  better  endowed  than  my- 
self in  respect  to  the  capacity  for  deriving  pleasure  from 
beauty  in  art  and  nature. 


Polyglottism. 


17 


Almost  every  department  of  human  knowledge  interests 
me.  I like  psychology,  sociology,  economics,  and  history 
least  of  all,  and  languages  and  philology  most  of  all. 
Metaphysics  and  theology  also  stand  high  in  my  regard, 
while  the  natural  sciences  occupy  a middle  position. 

The  common  union  of  sexual  inversion  and  the  apti- 
tude of  the  linguist  has  been  commented  upon  by  medical 
writers.  I turned  out  to  be  perhaps  the  best  linguist 
of  my  college  class.  From  childhood  I have  had  a craze 
for  the  acquisition  of  foreign  languages.  I speak  two 
with  considerable  fluency,  and  when  having  frequent  oc- 
casion to  use  them,  can  carry  on  a conversation  in  two 
others.  Besides  these  four,  I have  read  quite  extensively 
in  the  original  the  literature  of  about  a dozen  foreign 
tongues.  For  more  than  a decade,  I devoted  an  average 
of  at  least  ten  hours  a week  to  reading  in  these  numerous 
foreign  languages. 

******* 

Why  am  I a sexual  invert?  I have  an  explanation  to 
offer,  which  is  perhaps  more  fanciful  than  scientific.  Is 
there  not  a difference  between  the  “ protoplasm  ” or  cel- 
lular tissue  of  males  and  of  females,  which  is  the  ground 
of  the  difference  in  the  physical  and  psychical  develop- 
ment of  the  sexes?  Must  there  not  be  in  the  protoplasm 
of  males  a specific  male  “ germ  ” or  characteristic,  and 
in  the  protoplasm  of  females  a different  germ,  which  are 
the  ground  of  the  opposite  development  of  the  sexes? 
Just  as  we  know  by  the  taste  that  the  protoplasm  of  the 
muscle  of  an  ox  is  differently  constituted  from  that  of  a 
sheep,  likewise  must  not  that  of  the  male  and  female  homo 


18 


Cause  of  Inversion. 


differ,  although  in  less  degree?  If  through  a surgical 
operation  the  breast  from  a male  infant  could  be  grafted 
in  the  proper  place  on  a female  infant,  and  the  breast 
from  a female  infant  on  a male  infant,  the  two  individuals, 
as  they  became  adult,  would  develop  physically  along  the 
lines  of  his  or  her  own  sex  except  the  grafted  breast.  That 
of  the  girl  would  remain  flat,  that  of  the  boy  would  de- 
velop a mammary  gland  and  become  elevated  into  a mons. 
They  each  have  on  them  a patch  of  the  tissue  of  the  op- 
posite sex.  In  the  passive  invert  there  may  exist  one  or 
more  such  patches  from  birth. 

According  to  the  author’s  theory, — whether  any  in- 
dividual shall  be  a male  or  a female  depends  on  the  result 
of  a battle  in  the  embryo  between  the  female  corpuscles 
or  germs  of  the  egg  and  the  male  of  the  spermatozoa. 
From  some  cause,  perhaps  the  relative  state  of  vitality 
of  the  secretory  sexual  glands  at  the  time  of  the  forma- 
tion of  the  particular  egg  and  spermatozoon,  either 
the  female  germs  or  the  male  germs  happen  to  be  the 
more  vigorous,  and  determine  the  sex  of  the  unborn.  If 
the  foetus  develops  into  a female,  it  is  because  the  female 
germs  have  devoured  the  male.  For  some  reason,  in  ex- 
ceptional cases,  the  more  vigorous  set  of  cells  have  not 
succeeded  in  devouring  the  other  set  entirely,  and  both 
kinds  coexist  in  different  parts  of  the  same  individual 
throughout  his  existence.  In  a male  there  may  be  only 
a single  patch  of  female  tissue  — that  is,  tissue  dominated 
in  its  development  by  the  presence  of  the  female  bacteria 
— about  the  cheeks  and  neck,  rendering  him  beardless, 
but  with  masculine  habits  of  mind  and  the  male  sexual 


Female  Brain  in  Male  Body. 


19 


instinct.  To  constitute  a passive  invert,  the  brain,  the 
physical  basis  of  the  psychical  nature,  must  be  composed 
of  female  tissue,  must  be  a “ female  brain.” 

Can  it  be  denied  that  the  brain  of  a male  is  funda- 
mentally different  from  that  of  a female,  although  in  out- 
ward appearance  they  are  practically  alike?  The  psych- 
ical nature  of  a female  is  radically  different  from  that  of 
a male,  consequently  the  fundamental  nature  of  certain 
brain  cells  of  the  female  must  be  as  different  from  that 
of  corresponding  cells  of  the  male  as  the  psychical  nature 
of  a woman  is  different  from  that  of  a man,  and  as  the 
corpus  of  a woman  is  different  from  that  of  a man.  How 
can  one  explain  why  a six-year-old  boy  (the  author) 
should  class  himself  as  a girl,  give  himself  a girl’s  name, 
fight  against  his  parents’  course  of  bringing  him  up  as 
a boy,  and  grieve  because  he  could  not  be  brought  up 
as  a girl,  except  on  the  assumption  that  the  cells  of  his 
brain  were  identical  with  the  cells  of  a girl’s  brain  and 
fundamentally  different  from  those  of  a normal  boy? 

If  a surgeon  could  interchange  the  brains  of  a boy 
and  of  a girl,  your  author  believes  that  the  boy  would 
ever  afterward  feel  himself  to  be  a girl,  and  the  girl  feel 
herself  to  be  a boy.  But  it  would  be  neai’er  the  truth 
to  say  that  with  the  implanting  of  the  brain  of  the  op- 
posite sex,  the  male  and  female  souls  were  also  transposed. 
We  would  have  an  instance  of  a male  human  being  with 
a perfect  female  body  except  the  brain  — an  artificial 
amazon.  Similarly,  a female  human  being  with  a perfect 
male  body  except  the  brain  — an  artificial  androgyne. 
In  the  natural  androgyne,  the  female  brain  was  formed 


20 


Oscar  Wilde’s  Life  Story. 


in  the  male  corpus  before  birth.  There  are  likely,  as  in 
the  case  of  your  author,  to  be  other  patches  of  female 
tissue  in  other  parts  of  the  corpus. 

“ Active  inverts,”  improperly  so  called,  have  been  re- 
ferred to  as  cases  of  “ a female  mind  in  a male  body,” 
as  in  the  Introduction  to  Eekhoud’s  “ Escal  Vigor.”  The 
subject  of  this  novel,  as  well  as  Oscar  Wilde,  whose  case 
evidently  forms  the  theme  of  the  book,  were  not  such 
instances.  Theirs  were  cases  of  innate  and  therefore  ir- 
responsible sexual  perversion  rather  than  of  inversion. 
They  were  “ urnings.”  “ Escal  Vigor  ” is  of  value  as 
portraying  the  development  and  inner  life  of  the  urning, 
while  this  autobiography  deals  with  the  passive  invert, 
or  “ the  invert  ” properly  speaking.  The  urning  or 
active  pederast  loves  an  adolescent  as  a normal  man  loves 
a woman,  and  desires  active  paedicatio  or  else  mutual 
onanism.  The  passive  invert  loves  the  adolescent  as 
a woman  loves  a man,  and  desires  fellatio,  or  occasionally 
the  part  of  the  pathic  in  paedicatio. 

While  reading  “ Escal  Vigor  ” many  years  ago,  your 
author  was  convinced  that  the  book  was  primarily  written 
by  Oscar  Wilde  and  based  on  his  own  life  experience. 
This  suspicion  is  confirmed  by  the  name  of  the  book,  the 
two  words  having  the  same  length  as  those  of  the  name 
of  the  individual ; the  second  and  third  letters  of  the  first 
name  being  the  same  in  both,  as  well  as  the  second  letter 
of  the  surname ; while  the  initial  V is  the  French  equiv- 
alent of  the  English  W,  the  novel  having  been  first  pub- 
lished in  French.  I have  myself  built  a pseudonym  on 
my  baptismal  name  in  similar  fashion.  The  suspicion  is 


Inversion  Is  Not  Sodomy.  21 

further  confirmed  by  the  rumor  of  1918  that  Wilde  is 
still  alive. 

There  occur  homosexual  practices  which  are  really  due 
to  moral  depravity  or  to  the  absence  of  the  opposite 
sex.  This  is  the  true  sodomy,  an  entirely  different  phe- 
nomenon than  is  present  in  the  case  of  the  congenital  invert 
and  urning.  Knowledge  of  the  history  of  the  particular 
individual  will  readily  determine  to  which  of  the  three 
categories  he  belongs. 

The  author’s  criticism  of  Havelock  Ellis’s  theory  ‘ that 
a condition  of  diffused  minor  abnormality  in  physical 
structure,  consisting  in  approach  to  the  feminine  type, 
is  the  basis  of  congenital  inversion ; that  inversion  is 
bound  up  with  a modification  of  the  secondary  sexual 
characters  ’ is  that  in  my  own  case  the  attraction  toward 
the  male  sex  was  powerful  as  early  as  the  age  of  three, 
when  there  is  probably  no  difference  between  the  physical 
type  of  the  normal  and  of  the  inverted  male.  This  indi- 
cates that  there  is  no  cause-and-effect  relation  between 
the  feminine  secondary  sexual  characters  and  the  love  for 
the  male  sex,  but  that  they  are  twin  effects  of  a common 
cause,  namely,  the  presence  in  the  male  body  of  the  par- 
ticular kind  of  governing  corpuscles  or  germs  ordinarily 
found  only  in  the  protoplasm  of  females. 

The  girl-boy  with  diffused  minor  abnormality  in  phys- 
ical structure,  consisting  in  approach  to  the  feminine 
type,  is  rather  a female  who  has,  along  with  some  other 
male  structures,  developed  testicles  and  penis  in  place  of 
the  usual  ovaries  and  cunnus.  Here  it  is  not  so  much  a 
case  of  a female  brain  in  a male  body,  but  of  the  female 


22  Sex  Psychical  Rather  Than  Physical. 

brain  in  a female  body  with  various  abnormal  develop- 
ments along  the  line  of  male  structure.  A girl-boy  is 
sometimes  even  physically  perhaps  more  a female  than 
a male,  although  the  primary  sexual  determinants  and 
some  of  the  secondary  sexual  characters  are  those  of  the 
male  sex. 

In  a manner  similar  to  that  described  by  Kurella,  the 
author  believes  the  invert  is  a transitional  form  between 
the  complete  male  or  the  complete  female  and  the  sex- 
ually undifferentiated  homo  seen  in  the  early  foetus. 

Practically  it  is  all  right,  but  medico-legally  it  is  wrong, 
to  make  the  genitals  the  universal  criterion  in  the  deter- 
mination of  sex.  Medico-legally,  sex  should  be  deter- 
mined by  the  psychical  constitution  rather  than  by  the 
physical  form.  There  are  thousands  of  physical  females 
who  feel  themselves  to  be  men  and  have  the  mental  traits 
of  men,  and  there  are  thousands  of  physical  males  who 
feel  themselves  to  be  women  and  have  the  mental  traits 
of  a woman.  Should  any  blame  be  attached  to  such  in- 
dividuals when  they  conduct  themselves  according  to  their 
psychical  sex?  The  writer,  much  against  his  will,  was 
brought  up  as  a boy,  and  after  becoming  adult  contin- 
ued in  every-day  life  to  identify  himself  with  the  male 
sex  because  of  his  beard  and  masculine  voice,  and  because 
of  the  advantages  of  passing  as  a male;  but  in  spite  of 
himself  he  was  occasionally  compelled  to  go  off  on  a female- 
impersonation  spree. 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ 

Men  call  the  invert’s  instincts  vice.  The  invert  has 


Ethics  of  Inversion. 


23 


just  as  much  reason  for  calling  the  normal  man’s 
instincts  vice  when  they  are  not  exercised  solely  in 
order  to  create  a new  human  being.  It  is  only  a case 
of  the  pot  calling  the  kettle  black.  In  the  eyes  of  the 
Supreme  Being,  with  whom  innate  and  unreasoning  dis- 
gust is  not  a factor,  the  instincts  of  the  normal  man  and 
of  the  invert  are  on  a par  morally  and  aesthetically. 
There  is  no  ground  for  the  charge  that  the  passive 
invert’s  practices  are  aimed  at  the  very  existence  of  the 
race.  In  the  first  place,  Nature  made  him  psychically 
impotent  from  birth.  In  the  second  place,  his  practices 
could  not  be  spread  by  example.  They  are  regarded  by 
all  normally  constituted  males  with  such  disgust  and  aver- 
sion that  practically  no  one  would  stoop  to  them  except 
those  born  with  the  peculiar  cravings.  And  why  place 
a heavy  penalty  on  one  particular  practice  which  might 
prevent  a few  births,  and  give  large  liberty  to  other  prac- 
tices with  a hundred  and  a thousand  fold  more  power  to 
diminish  the  birth  rate?  The  author  was  addicted  to 
sensuality  more  than  the  vast  majority  of  inverts.  Nev- 
ertheless, if  he  had  never  yielded  to  instinct,  there  would 
not  be  today  a single  human  being  more  in  the  world 
than  there  are.  None  of  his  intimates  were  given  to 
begetting  children,  at  least  on  the  threshold  of  manhood, 
which  was  the  age  at  which  they  consorted  with  him. 

The  invert’s  harmless  instinctive  sexual  conduct  (gen- 
erally fellatio,  seldom  paedicatio)  is  today  regarded  as 
a felony  almost  throughout  Christendom.  France,  Italy, 
and  Holland  are  the  only  Christian  nations  which  have 
entirely  repealed  the  laws  enacted  against  these  unfor- 


24 


Legal  Penalties. 


tunates  during  the  Dark  Ages.  Old  English  law  pro- 
vided that  the  guilty  one  be  burnt  alive,  while  other 
statutes  of  the  same  law  condemned  him  to  be  buried  alive. 
In  the  reign  of  Richard  III,  he  was  hanged.  The  death 
penalty  was  not  abolished  until  after  the  reign  of  George 
IV.  At  the  present  time  in  England,  the  maximum  pen- 
alty is  penal  servitude  for  life,  and  the  minimum,  ten  years 
imprisonment.  In  the  United  States  the  penalty  is  from 
five  to  twenty  years  imprisonment.  Is  it  not  unjust  to 
keep  on  the  statute  books  these  laws  against  an  unfortu- 
nate and  harmless  class? 

I am  here  reminded  of  two  conferences  with  Mr.  An- 
thony Comstock,  because  part  of  his  business  while  alive 
was  that  of  hunting  down  inverts  and  haling  them  off 
to  prison.  By  the  irony  of  fate,  I was  during  my  college 
days  nicknamed  after  this  gentleman  because  on  hearing 
an  obscene  remark  by  a fellow  student,  my  features  in- 
voluntarily expressed  shock  and  disapproval,  probably 
due  to  my  having  the  mind  of  a woman.  But  in  1900,  as 
soon  as  I had  this  autobiography  ready  for  publication, 
I submitted  it  to  Mr.  Comstock  in  order  to  ascertain 
whether  it  could  be  circulated.  He  was  then  a Post- 
Office  Department  inspector,  with  power  to  prosecute  for 
shipping  “ obscene  ” matter  by  common  carrier.  He 
read  considerable  of  the  manuscript  of  this  book,  and 
stated  on  handing  it  back  that  he  would  have  “ destroyed  ” 
it  but  for  the  fact  that  I impressed  him  “ as  a person  not 
having  any  evil  intent.” 

In  words  which  I wrote  down  immediately  after  leaving 
his  presence,  he  declared : “ These  inverts  are  not  fit 


Prevalent  Lay  Opinion  on  Inverts.  25 

to  live  with  the  rest  of  mankind.  They  ought  to  have 
branded  in  their  foreheads  the  word  ‘ Unclean,’  and  as 
the  lepers  of  old,  they  ought  to  cry  ‘ Unclean!  Unclean!  ’ 
as  they  go  about,  and  instead  of  the  law  making 
twenty  years  imprisonment  the  penalty  for  their  crime, 
it  ought  to  be  imprisonment  for  life.  Are  they  assaulted 
and  blackmailed?  They  deserve  to  be.  Krafft-Ebing 
and  Havelock  Ellis  know  nothing  about  them  if  they 
say  they  are  irresponsible.  They  are  wilfully  bad,  and 
glory  and  gloat  in  their  perversion.  Their  habit  is  ac- 
quired and  not  inborn.  Why  propose  to  have  the  law 
against  them  now  on  the  statute  books  repealed?  If  this 
happened,  there  would  be  no  way  of  getting  at  them.  It 
would  be  wrong  to  make  life  more  tolerable  for  them. 
Their  lives  ought  to  be  made  so  intolerable  as  to  drive 
them  to  abandon  their  vices.” 

This  attitude  of  mind  is  a proper  one  toward  possible 
male  filles  de  joie  who  are  fundamentally  normal  in  their 
sexuality,  but  who  through  cupidity,  or  wdth  the  purpose 
of  blackmailing  those  who  seek  them,  offer  themselves  to 
take  the  passive  role  in  paedicatio.  Your  author  doubts 
whether  any  such  males  ever  lived.  But  the  true  invert 
belongs  to  a different  class,  and  should  have  the  same 
standing  before  the  law  as  the  normal  individual.  He 
even  should  be  dealt  with  more  leniently,  because  his 
passion  is  often  abnormally  intense,  and  his  mental  eccen- 
tricities sometimes  lead  him  into  unwise  though  little  harm- 
ful, or  not  at  all  harmful,  acts. 

*****  * * 

In  this  autobiography,  I may  sometimes  refer  to  my- 


26 


Choosing  Aliases. 


self  as  “ Ralph  Werther.”  At  the  beginning  of  my  career 
as  “ Jennie  June,”  when  asked  for  my  real  name,  I an- 
swered “ Raphael  Werther,”  since  I did  not  wish  to  bring 
disgrace  on  my  family  name.  I adopted  the  name  “ Ra- 
phael ” because  of  its  euphony  and  glorious  associations ; 
the  name  “ Werther,”  because  like  Goethe’s  hero  I was 
doomed  to  great  sorrow  through  the  passion  of  love. 
During  my  first  two  years  in  college,  when  I often  med- 
itated suicide,  and  was  by  far  the  unhappiest  person 
in  the  college  community,  Goethe’s  “ Sorrows  of 
Werther,”  the  romance  of  suicide,  had  a peculiar  fascina- 
tion for  me.  Later  I substituted  “ Ralph  ” for  “Ra- 
phael ” since  I found  the  latter  sounded  too  “stagey  ” to 
be  believed. 

The  author  may  be  accused  of  copying  the  pen-name 
of  Mrs.  Croly  in  the  name  that  he  gave  himself  when 
undertaking  the  role  of  a girl.  But  I was  not  conscious 
of  the  existence  of  this  pen-name  until  after  I had  selected 
“ Jennie  June.”  In  early  childhood  I had  called  myself 
“ Jennie,”  always  my  favorite  girl’s  name.  It  has  al- 
ways seemed  to  me  the  most  feminine  of  names.  I 
adopted  the  name  “ June  ” because  of  the  alliteration,  the 
beauty  of  the  word,  and  its  agreeable  associations.  It 
was  first  suggested  to  me  while  reading  one  of  Cooper’s 
novels,  where  it  appears  as  the  name  of  a gentle,  ex- 
tremely feminine  squaw.  It  was  suggested  to  me  secondly 
by  my  seeing  it  appear  as  a surname  on  the  sign  of  a 
business  house. 

At  the  beginning  of  my  career  as  a fairie,  I debated 
for  some  time  whether  the  name  of  my  feminine  person- 


Year  187 1+ — Birth  and  Parentage.  27 

ality  should  be  “ Jennie  June,”  “ Baby,”  “ Pussie,”  or 
the  name  of  a particular  one  of  the  foremost  prima  don- 
nas of  history.  I enjoyed  hugely  being  called  “ Baby  ” 
by  young  men.  A strange  young  ruffian  one  day  passed 
me  on  the  street,  and  addressed  me  jocularly:  “Hello 
Pussie ! ” I cannot  express  how  much  it  pleased  me,  and 
I longed  to  be  called  “ Pussie  ” always.  As  to  my  impulse 
to  copy  the  name  of  the  prima  donna,  I would  have  day 
dreams  of  being  such  a personage.  At  the  opera  I would 
imagine  myself  as  identified  with  the  leading  soprano  — 
that  I was  she.  As  is  usual  with  professional  fairies,  I 
sought  to  cultivate  a soprano  singing  voice,  though 
singing  a baritone  when  in  my  every-day  circle. 

******* 

The  fourth  child  of  my  mother’s  eleven  children,  I was 
born  and  passed  my  first  sixteen  years  of  life  in  the  most 
refined  section  of  a large  village  within  fifty  miles  of  New 
York  City.  At  the  time  of  my  birth,  each  parent  was 
about  thirty  years  of  age.  My  mother  appears  to  have 
married  for  money  rather  than  for  love.  My  parents, 
and  indeed  all  adults  who  had  a molding  influence  over  my 
early  life,  were  eminently  respectable  religious  people. 

I know  the  history  of  my  stock  for  several  generations 
back.  No  member  of  any  of  the  several  families  whose 
blood  is  mingled  in  my  veins  was  ever  arrested.  With  the 
exception  of  several  black  sheep,  the  several  families  have 
been  composed  of  exceptionally  pious  people. 

Both  my  paternal  and  maternal  stock  have  been  very 
prolific.  No  relative  has  ever  distinguished  himself  by 
reason  of  his  intellect  or  otherwise,  the  men  having  been 


28 


Abnormal  Relatives. 


exclusively  farmers  or  retail  merchants.  I am  perhaps 
the  most  intellectual  individual  that  has  appeared  in  the 
several  families.  My  father  was  the  shrewdest  man  and 
the  most  successful  at  making  money  of  any  member  of 
these  several  families. 

The  following  are  the  only  bad  strains  which  I have 
been  able  to  find  in  my  blood:  A maternal  great-great- 
great  uncle  was  half-witted.  A maternal  great-great 
uncle  was  a worthless  character,  but  a good  singer,  going 
around  from  tavern  to  tavern  singing  for  his  grog.  Per- 
haps that  is  the  development  a fairie  took  in  his  environ- 
ment. A maternal  great  uncle,  though  a good  business 
man,  became  intoxicated  occasionally.  A paternal  great 
uncle  was  half-witted.  A maternal  second  cousin  was 
mildly  insane  for  at  least  several  years.  A paternal  and 
also  a maternal  uncle,  besides  being  extreme  dipsomaniacs, 
lacked  the  energy  to  earn  their  own  living,  and  also  never 
married.  The  fact  that  the  paternal  uncle  used  to 
fondle  me  excessively  while  I was  a boy  ten  to  twelve  years 
of  age  and  hold  me  clasped  in  his  embrace  in  such  a way 
as  would  at  the  present  writing  suggest  to  me  that  he 
entertained  thoughts  of  paedicatio,  indicates  that  he  was 
possibly  an  active  pederast.  The  maternal  uncle  was 
known,  while  in  his  early  twenties,  to  have  indulged  in  sol- 
itary onanism  before  boys  around  the  age  of  twelve,  but  all 
his  adult  life  he  appeared  to  be  unusually  attracted  to- 
ward girls  aged  from  ten  to  twelve,  but  I do  not  believe  he 
ever  corrupted  any,  as  he  was  always  popular  in  his  com- 
munity. 

A female  first  cousin  is  a psychical  hermaphrodite,  and 


Fellatio  ex  Instinctu  Infantili. 


29 


while  married  to  a man,  has  always  retained  a woman 
sweetheart,  who  has  evidently  occupied  a place  in  my 
cousin’s  affections  much  above  the  husband.  From  my 
close  observation  of  this  case  for  over  thirty  years,  I am 
convinced  that  normal  women  succumb  more  readily  to 
the  advances  of  a gvnander  than  do  normal  men  to  those 
of  an  androgyne.  The  cousin  is  decidedly  masculine  both 
physically  and  psychically.  No  offspring  resulted  from 
her  marriage. 

The  question  has  been  much  discussed  as  to  whether 
sexual  inversion  is  congenital  or  acquired.  In  my  own 
case  — as  well  as  in  that  of  my  female  cousin  — it  is 
indubitably  congenital.  The  full  evidence,  in  addition 
to  my  decidedly  feminine  anatomy  and  her  decidedly  mas- 
culine, may  not  be  presented  here  out  of  regard  for  others. 
******* 

My  very  earliest  memories  are  those  of  following  out 
my  strong  baby’s  instinct  for  the  nipple  — immediately 
after  I was  weaned  — by  making  use  of  the  best  substi- 
tute that  came  in  my  way.  Pueri,  atque  puellae,  several 
years  older  than  myself,  with  whom  I was  intimately 
thrown  every  day,  furnished  me  with  what  nature  craved. 
The  infant’s  nursing  instinct  unfortunately  did  not  die 
out  in  me  as  in  the  normal  individual,  but  has  continued 
powerful  all  my  life,  though  with  transferred  object. 
Once  after  I had  grown  up  — much  to  my  shame  — my 
mother  remarked  before  a small  family  gathering  that 
until  I was  quite  a large  boy  (perhaps  nine  years  of  age) 
I would  in  my  sleep  go  through  imbibing  motions,  like  an 
infant  at  the  nipple. 


30 


Infantile  Sexual  Precocity. 


My  earliest  memory  of  all  of  this  perversion  of  the 
nursing  instinct  and  its  transformation  into  a perverted 
sexual  instinct  is  the  following:  A large  carpet  hung 
over  a line.  Several  girls  around  eleven  years  of  age 
sat  down  inside  and  exposuerunt  pudenda.  The  conver- 
sation was  about  the  boys,  who  they  wished  might  come 
in.  I was  hardly  more  than  a baby  and  was  undoubtedly 
thought  too  young  to  understand  or  disclose  their  con- 
duct. I crept  from  one  to  another,  os  cunnis  earum.  I 
was  too  young  to  know  that  it  was  the  organ  of  micturi- 
tion, or  to  distinguish  between  it  and  the  breast.  My 
instinct  was  sugere  when  the  latter  was  presented  to  me, 
and  I did  the  same  to  it.  Possibly  the  girls  told  me  to. 

Only  on  one  other  occasion,  at  the  age  of  six,  did  I have 
ouch  relations  with  a female.  The  girl,  of  my  own  age, 
begged  it  of  me,  much  to  my  disgust.  But  I had  in- 
numerable relations  cum  pueris.  The  earliest  remem- 
bered occurred  when  I was  three-and-a-half  years  old. 
A boy  of  nine  had  myself,  a brother  of  five,  and  another 
of  fifteen  months  sugere  penem  erectum.  For  several 
years  he  sought  me  occasionally  for  the  same  purpose. 
My  two  brothers  complied  only  a few  times,  while  I 
eagerly  grasped  every  opportunity.  They  developed  into 
strong,  virile,  six-foot  men,  husbands  and  fathers. 

One  other  hoy,  a year  older  than  myself,  became  an 
even  greater  favorite.  From  my  fifth  to  seventh  year, 
our  relations  were  almost  as  intimate  as  those  of  a hus- 
band and  wife.  We  used  to  play  “ husband  and  wife,” 
although  the  fact  of  conjugal  relations  was  the  farthest 
from  our  thoughts.  When  I reached  the  age  of  seven, 


Age  Four  to  Seven. 


31 


our  relations  ceased,  since  we  were  sent  to  different  schools 
and  he  began  to  play  with  normal  boys,  while  I henceforth 
shared  the  pastimes  of  the  little  girls  and  had  them  almost 
exclusively  for  my  companions.  In  subsequent  years  of 
our  boyhood,  he  asked  for  fellatio  several  times,  but  I re- 
fused through  shame. 

My  addiction  wras  common  knowledge  among  the  boys, 
and  others  sought  it.  While  engaged  in  games  with  boys, 
sometimes  fellatio  would  occur  every  few  minutes.  Be- 
fore reaching  the  age  of  seven,  I had  doubtless  had  more 
than  one  thousand  such  experiences.  I of  course  always 
took  the  more  humiliating  part.  Only  once  in  my  life,  at 
the  age  of  thirty-six,  has  another  taken  that  part  with 
me,  much  to  my  disgust.  Out  of  nearly  800  intimates 
during  my  lifetime,  only  one  ever  sought  to  take  that 
part. 

I told  these  boy  playmates  to  call  me  “Jennie,”  and 
encouraged  them  to  use  sexual  argot  to  me.  I instinct- 
ively hid  all  my  sexual  experiences  from  everybody  except 
my  boy  intimates,  though  some  of  them  proclaimed  my 
addiction  abroad  in  my  hearing  and  much  to  my  shame. 
Only  once  my  mother  questioned  me  suspiciously  as  to 
why  I entered  an  outhouse  every  little  while  with  my  boy 
friend,  but  I counteracted  her  suspicion. 

I was  decidedly  the  greatest  cry-baby  of  my  mother’s 
eight  children  who  survived  infancy,  as  well  as  the  most 
weakly.  I was  the  only  child  of  the  neighborhood  sub- 
ject to  convulsions,  but  these  were  not  more  than  half  a 
dozen  in  number  and  occurred  before  the  age  of  six. 
As  early  as  the  age  of  three  I suffered  from  occasional 


32 


Girl-boy  Playmates. 


melancholia,  and  would  bang  my  head  on  the  floor  and 
express  the  wish  that  “ I was  dead.”  A girl-boy  ac- 
quaintance committed  suicide  at  the  age  of  twelve  by 
swallowing  rat  poison. 

I was  the  only  girl-boy  of  my  immediate  neighborhood, 
and  from  the  seventh  to  the  twelfth  year  of  my  life,  was 
looked  upon  by  all  the  other  children  as  more  girl  than 
boy.  When,  after  the  age  of  seven,  I made  acquaintances 
farther  off  than  in  my  own  block,  I became  acquainted 
with  three  other  girl-boys  on  three  adjacent  blocks,  and 
a number  of  others  in  the  village.  It  was  common  knowl- 
edge among  the  boys  of  the  school.  After  they  became 
adults,  three  became  notorious  among  the  sporting  ado- 
lescents of  the  village,  as  I learned  through  a brother  who 
belonged  to  that  class. 

The  only  one  with  whom  I was  intimate  became,  be- 
tween the  ages  of  fifteen  and  twenty,  a regular  fille  de  joie. 
A coterie  of  particularly  virile  adolescents  who  had  no 
other  means  of  satisfying  their  libido,  and  who  were  dis- 
inclined to  visit  an  evil  resort,  had  recourse  to  him  reg- 
ularly that  he  might  take  the  humiliating  role  in  fellatio. 
Young  inverts  who  do  not  repress  their  instincts  have 
relations  ordinarily  with  their  young  male  friends.  I 
was  an  exception  in  this  respect,  as  well  as  in  respect 
to  conscientious  scruples  against  following  instinct. 

My  other  two  girl-boy  playmates  became,  respectively, 
an  organist  and  an  orchestra  leader  by  profession  when 
they  became  adult.  During  their  late  teens  and  early 
twenties,  they  had  many  liaisons  (fellatio)  with  sport- 


Inversion  Promotes  Music. 


33 


loving  young  men  — according  to  my  brother  — but  hav- 
ing more  money  than  the  invert  just  described,  they 
played  the  wooer,  being  the  seeker,  and  choosing  their 
intimates,  instead  of  being  sought  out  by  the  many. 
They  spent  a considerable  part  of  their  earnings  on 
their  beaux.  I know  nothing  about  the  sexual  conduct 
of  any  of  these  three  inverts  after  they  passed  the  age 
of  twenty-five.  But  the  first  mentioned  developed  into  a 
notorious  dipsomaniac  toward  middle  age,  and  the  other 
two,  when  past  the  age  of  forty,  are  healthy,  prosperous, 
and  I believe  well  esteemed  in  their  community.  Most  of 
their  business  associates  have  never  heard  anything 
against  them.  Of  course  none  of  the  three  ever  married 
a ico man. 

Of  this  group  of  passive  inverts  who  grew  up  together, 
I alone  had  the  scholarly  instinct  and  was  unusually  re- 
ligious. Of  the  six  who  lived  to  be  adults,  three  — in- 
cluding the  organist  and  the  orchestra  leader  — had  ex- 
traordinary talent  as  musicians.  No  growth  of  beard 
ever  showed  itself  on  the  face  of  one  of  the  three,  and  he 
looked  remarkably  like  a woman. 

My  knowledge  of  these  inverts  leads  me  to  remark  at 
this  point  that  in  general  those  who  have  relations  with 
a passive  invert  are  normal  young  men  who  later  marry 
a woman,  but  in  whom  the  fire  of  lust  has  been  kindled 
bv  nature  subsequent  to  puberty  and  for  whom  circum- 
stances prevent  marriage  between  eighteen  and  twenty- 
five  years  of  age. 

Every  large  city  block  and  almost  every  small  village 


S4>  Frequency  of  Androgynism. 

of  the  world  has  its  girl-boy,  so  far  as  my  wide  obser- 
vation goes.  After  a life  extending  over  nearly  half  a 
century  and  spent  in  many  countries  of  the  world,  it  is 
my  own  careful  estimate  that  approximately  one  physical 
male  in  three  hundred  is  born  with  this  nature. 

Physicians  possibly  have  not  discovered  inverts  in  such 
numbers:  First,  because  the  majority  of  the  medical 
profession  have  been  in  almost  entire  ignorance  of  the 
existence  of  this  variety  of  the  genus  homo,  and  have 
therefore  neglected  to  search  around  for  them ; and  sec- 
ondly, because  of  the  fact  that  through  humanity’s  mis- 
understanding and  persecution  of  them,  these  inverts  hide 
their  idiosyncrasies  and  secret  practices  as  no  other  class 
of  mankind.  They  can  be  discovered  only  by  careful 
search,  and  recognized  only  by  those  having  an  intimate 
knowledge  of  the  invert’s  character  and  habits.  They  are 
often  unsuspected  even  by  their  own  families. 

In  a class  of  fifty  boys  in  a school,  there  was  one 
passive  invert.  In  another  class  of  forty,  there  were  two. 
In  a club  of  thirty  young  men,  there  were  two.  In  an 
office-staff  of  fourteen,  there  were  two.  In  a community 
of  twelve  hundred  inhabitants,  six  were  known  to  your 
author.  Havelock  Ellis  has  stated  that  among  the  pro- 
fessional and  most  cultured  classes  of  England,  the  num- 
ber of  “ homosexualists  ” — which  term  includes  active 
pederasts  as  well  as  passive  inverts  — may  rise  as  high  as 
one  in  twenty.  Moll  has  stated  that  he  knew  of  from 
850  to  1,050  in  Berlin  alone,  which  would  make  the  ratio 
one  to  every  1,666  inhabitants.  Of  course  Moll  could 


Author’s  Rather  Diminutive  Size. 


35 


know  of  only  a small  proportion  of  the  total  number  in 
Berlin. 

All  inverts  do  not  give  way  to  their  instincts,  since 
the  strength  of  these  instincts  varies  in  different  individ- 
uals, as  does  the  degree  of  effeminacy,  just  as  there  are 
corresponding  differences  in  normal  individuals.  Your 
author’s  is  an  extreme  case  of  passive  inversion.  His 
case  is  also  unusual  because  of  the  strange  combination  of 
appetencies  in  one  individual:  the  instincts  of  the  fairie, 
the  thirst  for  knowledge  of  the  savant,  the  yearning  after 
God  and  holiness  of  life  of  the  zealot,  and  the  impulse 
toward  altruism  of  the  missionary.  My  intention  from 
the  age  of  fifteen  to  nineteen  to  pass  my  life  as  a foreign 
missionary  and  preacher  of  the  Gospel  was  relinquished 
because  inconsistent  with  the  much  stronger  appetency  of 
the  fairie,  which  finally  carried  all  good  resolutions  be- 
fore it. 

******* 

I grew  up  slowly,  and  when  adult  was  the  shortest  of 
my  parents’  eight  children.  Six-foot  men  are  common 
among  my  near  relatives,  especially  my  brothers,  but  I am 
five  feet  five  inches.  At  six  years  of  age  I was  smaller 
than  a brother  of  four.  In  college  I was  noticeably  small 
and  of  slight  build,  weighing  only  110  pounds  stripped 
when  I graduated. 

My  first  impression  of  the  stern  realities  of  life  came 
at  the  age  of  six  when  my  parents  insisted  on  putting  me 
in  breeches.  I wanted  to  wear  skirts  all  my  life.  I 
shrunk  from  going  out  in  distinctively  male  garb,  and 
dodged  behind  the  trees  when  I discovered  an  acquaint- 


36  Yearning  for  Feminine  Apparel. 

ance  approaching.  The  sensation  was  almost  as  painful 
as  if  I had  been  compelled  to  walk  the  streets  naked. 
Until  I reached  my  early  thirties,  I did  not  cease  to  regret 
being  compelled  to  taboo  feminine  apparel,  and  was  con- 
stantly being  criticised  by  members  of  my  family  for 
choosing  bright  colors  and  as  fancy  apparel  as  a male  can 
possibly  wear.  Androgynes  have  a predilection  for  such 
apparel,  just  as  gynanders  prefer  the  severely  plain. 
Dress  is  one  of  the  best  signs  by  which  to  judge  whether 
any  suspected  individual  is  or  is  not  an  invert.  From 
the  age  of  seven  to  twelve  I occasionally  masqueraded  in 
a sister’s  dress,  coquetting  with  my  boy  acquaintances  the 
same  as  if  I were  physically  a girl. 

After  reaching  the  age  of  seven,  I abstained  from 
fellatio  on  account  of  shame,  as  well  as  because  I now 
habitually  played  with  girls.  Nevertheless,  as  just  indi- 
cated, I was  more  crazy  after  the  boys  than  any  of  my 
companions,  and  was  a great  flirt.  When,  promenading 
with  a party  of  girls,  we  would  encounter  boys  of  our 
acquaintance,  I would  incite  them  to  chase  myself  and  the 
girls.  With  the  girls  I would  discuss  the  merits  of  the 
various  boys  and  name  my  favorites.  The  girls  did  not 
look  upon  me  as  a boy.  Only  one  ever  asked  me  to  take 
the  normal  boy’s  part  in  coitus,  and  I answered  naively 
and  without  embarrassment  that  I did  not  know  how.  My 
family  would  ridicule  me  for  playing  with  the  girls,  but 
that  did  not  stop  it. 

Up  to  the  age  of  twelve  I continued  to  tell  my  most 
intimate  schoolmates  to  call  me  “ Jennie,”  encouraged 
them  to  hug  me,  and  right  in  the  school-room  reclined  in 


Bent  for  Feminine  Activities. 


37 


their  bosoms  because  of  amorousness.  Several  would  hug 
and  kiss  me  right  in  school,  and  in  private  request  fellatio, 
but  I always  turned  from  the  latter  proposition  in  shame. 
To  yield  would  have  been  my  highest  earthly  pleasure,  but 
I could  not  bear  the  disgrace.  Mean-spirited  boys  would 
call  me  a girl  in  derision,  and  twit  me  about  my  conduct 
of  early  childhood,  thus  awakening  a violent  desire  to 
commit  suicide. 

I was  as  fond  of  dolls  as  is  a little  girl.  Two  other 
characteristic  pastimes  were  playing  preacher  and  play- 
ing school,  generally  all  by  myself.  I spent  a large  part 
of  my  time  in  the  house  singing,  but  have  never  been  able 
to  learn  to  whistle.  Inability  to  whistle  is  a general  char- 
acteristic of  passive  inverts.  I learned  to  sew  and 
crochet,  and  naturally  took  to  most  other  feminine  lines 
of  activity,  so  that  my  mother  has  remarked  that  I was 
“ the  best  daughter  ” she  had.  Indeed  none  of  the  family 
looked  upon  me  as  a boy,  all  unconsciously.  Nevertheless 
there  is  little  evidence  that  any  of  them  ever  suspected 
that  I was  attracted  toward  the  male  sex. 

As  a child  and  youth  I was  rather  odd  even  apart  from 
my  androgynism.  For  example,  from  my  eleventh  to  my 
thirteenth  year,  while  sitting  at  my  desk  or  walking  the 
streets  alone,  I would,  without  raising  the  head,  direct  my 
eyes  upward  for  about  two  seconds  at  intervals  of  from 
five  to  ten  minutes  in  order  to  breathe  a short  prayer  for 
acquaintances  or  for  pitiable  looking  individuals  whom  I 
passed.  It  was  probably  a sort  of  St.  Vitus  dance  of  the 
muscles  about  the  eye.  Another  peculiar  action,  and 
one  which  I have  never  seen  in  any  other  person,  is  the 


38 


School  Life  — 1883  On. 


lifelong  craze  that  I have  to  press  the  flesh  bordering 
the  finger  nails  against  some  sharp  hard  corner,  as  that 
of  a book-cover  or  a pillow-case,  which  repeated  action 
renders  the  skin  horny  along  the  edge  of  the  nail,  so  that 
I have  often  been  able  to  peel  it  off. 

From  the  age  of  nine  to  sixteen,  my  parents  sent  me  to 
a large  boys’  private  school.  At  first  the  experience  was 
painful  to  me.  I felt  out  of  place,  and  would  have  pre- 
ferred attending  a girl’s  school,  or  at  least  a co-educa- 
tional  one.  Through  my  school-life  up  to  the  age  of 
fourteen,  a sense  of  shame  kept  me  from  going  to  the 
lavatory  except  when  the  need  was  most  urgent,  and  until 
the  age  named,  I never  sat  down  there.  I never  lingered 
on  the  play-ground,  and  mingled  with  the  boys  only  in 
the  class-room.  I particularly  avoided  them  when  they 
were  tossing  a ball,  being  very  much  afraid  it  might  roll 
near  me,  and  I would  have  to  throw  it.  The  few  times 
that  this  did  happen,  the  boys  laughed,  because,  they  said, 
I threw  just  like  a girl. 

Through  all  my  school  life,  I hardly  had  a rival  in 
respect  to  high  standing  in  all  my  studies.  Near  the 
close  of  my  school  career,  I was  proclaimed  before  the 
whole  school  by  the  principal  as  the  model  student,  and  the 
average  of  all  my  marks  for  the  last  four  years  of  the 
course  was  the  highest  ever  attained  by  any  student  at 
that  school  up  to  that  time. 

Between  my  eighth  and  my  thirteenth  year,  I several 
times  saw  boys  in  solitary  onanism.  It  gave  me  a violent 
desire  facere  id  iis,  and  also  for  fellatio.  But  shame 
conquered,  and  I would  not  betray  my  desire  to  my  nearest 


Renewal  of  Fellatio  at  Twelve. 


39 


boy  friend.  For  years  I slept  with  an  intensely  masculine 
brother.  Several  times  he  requested  fellatio,  but  even 
when  in  bed,  I turned  away  in  shame.  Because  he  was 
my  brother,  I had  never  felt  drawn  until  finally,  about  my 
thirteenth  year,  he  committed  solitary  onanism  before  my 
eyes.  From  this  time  on,  no  sleep  would  come  to  my 
relief  until  I had  followed  out  my  instincts.  After  he  fell 
asleep,  I would  simply  labra  mea  peni  ejus  for  one  second. 
I never  disturbed  him  enough  to  awaken  him,  or  even  to 
cause  him  to  have  an  orgasm,  except  once,  when  he  asked 
me  to  proceed,  but  for  shame  I would  not.  On  the  other 
nights,  the  mere  contact  for  a second  would  induce  a 
paroxysm.  I immediately  had  the  most  dreadful  sensa- 
tion imaginable,  so  that  the  thought  held  complete  pos- 
session of  my  being:  “ I’ll  never  do  it  again!  I’ll  never 
do  it  again ! ” I closed  and  unclosed  my  hands  convul- 
sively. My  memory  is  that  there  was  an  emission,  but 
not  until  two  years  later  did  I know  the  nature  of  the 
discharge.  Immediately  after  the  paroxysm  I always 
fell  asleep  as  if  from  exhaustion. 

Thus  my  habit  of  early  childhood  was  renewed  after 
about  five  years  continence.  Up  until  past  the  age  of 
forty,  I believed  that  the  early  fellatio  was  without  in- 
jurious effect  on  mind  and  body,  but  that  that  of  my 
thirteenth  year  was  decidedly  baneful  to  both.  After 
passing  the  age  of  forty,  I am  doubtful  as  to  whether 
the  indulgences  at  either  period  were  injurious. 

But  happily  the  period  of  these  thefts  lasted  probably 
less  than  six  weeks.  My  parents  possibly  learned  of  it. 


40 


Youthful  Reveries. 


Any  way  I was  soon  assigned  a room  and  a bed  all  to 
myself,  which  I have  continued  to  have  down  to  the  time 
when  this  autobiography  goes  to  press.  Subsequently, 
between  my  thirteenth  and  seventeenth  years,  emergency 
destined  me  to  sleep  only  three  times  with  a boy  friend, 
when  also  instinct  triumphed  surreptitiously. 

Beginning  at  the  age  of  twelve  and  continuing  two 
years,  I could  not  sleep  for  approximately  two  hours 
after  retiring.  My  thoughts  were  entirely  of  boys  and 
of  myself  as  a girl.  I imagined  all  sorts  of  flirtations 
and  amours  with  every  decidedly  good-looking  boy  with 
whom  I went  to  school.  I would  sugere  finger  or  plum 
or  other  similarly  shaped  object,  and  imagine  it  was  the 
membrum  virile  first  of  one  acquaintance,  and  then  of 
another.  I would  imagine  myself  breaking  into  their 
houses  after  they  had  gone  to  bed,  and  attaining  my  de- 
sire. I would  imagine  a dozen  of  them  standing  behind 
a long  screen,  with  erectis  sticking  through  apertures,  and 
myself  going  from  one  to  another,  according  to  instinct. 
I would  imagine  myself  walking  on  a lonely  road  and 
meeting  a handsome  youth,  a stranger,  who  would  force  me 
to  fellatio.  I would  imagine  boys  keeping  me  a prisoner 
in  a secluded  place  and  compelling  me  every  day  to 
fellatio.  I would  imagine  myself  a beautiful  girl  skating 
in  the  rink,  and  having  a bevy  of  boys  frolicking  with 
me  — I falling  down  and  having  several  of  them  pile  on 
top  of  me.  In  many  of  these  reveries,  indeed,  I imagined 
myself  clad  in  feminine  apparel.  I also  indulged  in  this 
kind  of  revery  while  taking  long  walks  alone  through  the 
country.  My  present  judgment  on  my  entertaining  such 


Prayers  for  Feminization . 


41 


a current  of  thought  is  that  I was  for  the  most  part 
irresponsible,  and  that  these  reveries  were  due  to  my  be- 
ing driven  in  a measure  insane  by  the  lack  of  any  outlet 
for  an  innate  excessive  amorousness. 

These  reveries  in  bed  were  accompanied  by  an  orgasm, 
but  I never  had  any  inclination  toward  solitary  onanism. 
Though  knowing  the  difference  between  male  and  female 
pudenda,  I did  not  until  later,  about  my  fourteenth  year 
as  I remember,  know  their  function,  reproduction.  As  I 
lay  abed,  I would  wish  and  pray  that  my  pudenda  might 
be  changed  to  those  of  a girl,  largely  with  the  thought 
that  I might  be  enabled  to  receive  boys.  I knew  what 
went  on  between  some  boys  and  girls,  but  I did  not  know 
that  anything  ever  resulted  from  the  act.  The  fact  that 
I was  a boy  — or  rather  that  my  body  was  that  of  a 
boy,  because  in  mind  I was  thoroughly  a girl  — occasioned 
me  an  immense  amount  of  regret  and  chagrin,  and  con- 
tinued to  do  so  down  to  the  age  of  forty,  as  I approached 
which  age,  my  sexual  life  was  retreating  more  and  more 
into  the  background,  so  that  I became  rather  indifferent 
as  to  my  physical  and  psychical  sex. 

I have  been  doomed  to  be  a girl  who  must  pass  her 
earthly  existence  in  a male  body.  How  dreadful  it  is  to  a 
young  woman  to  have  a slight  growth  of  hair  on  lip  or 
cheeks ! Only  one  mark  of  the  male ! How  much  more 
dreadful  for  a young  woman  to  possess  almost  all  the  male 
anatomy  as  I do ! How  I have  bewailed  my  fate!  Dur- 
ing my  early  teens,  being  in  a frenzy  sometimes  over  it, 
I would  meditate  taking  my  father’s  razor  and  castrating 
myself  in  order  to  bring  my  physical  form  more  in  ac- 


42 


Early  Opinions  of  Fellatio. 


cord  with  that  of  the  female  sex  to  which  I instinctively 
yearned  to  belong. 

Once  during  the  wishes  and  prayers  spoken  of  above, 
I reached  my  hand  down  and  momentarily  believed  I had 
been  miraculously  provided  with  a cunnus.  It  is  my  pres- 
ent impression  that  my  hand  came  in  contact  with  the 
scrotum,  and  that  it  was  my  first  perception  that  I had 
such  an  appendage.  Possibly  this  indicates  late  descent 
of  the  testicles.  As  I remember  it,  up  to  about  my  thir- 
teenth year,  I never  knew  there  was  a scrotum  on  any 
male.  All  my  intimates  of  early  childhood  had  been  fully 
dressed,  and  thus  this  organ  was  concealed. 

Up  to  about  my  fourteenth  year,  I regarded  fellatio  as 
a wicked  shameful  habit  which  evil-minded  children  fell 
into,  and  the  desire  for  which  I would  outgrow  as  I 
became  older.  From  my  fourteenth  to  my  seventeenth 
year,  I regarded  it  as  the  very  worst  kind  of  a habit, 
which  must  be  overcome  by  a hard  struggle.  I had  no 
idea  the  desire  was  to  continue  into  and  through  my 
adult  life. 

Up  to  about  my  fourteenth  year,  I also  thought  nor- 
mal coitus,  which  I knew  some  boys  and  girls  of  my  ac- 
quaintance were  guilty  of,  was  equally  heinous.  When 
at  about  the  age  of  thirteen  I was  told  by  boys  that 
babies  thus  came  into  being,  I at  first  refused  to  believe  it. 
When  I was  finally  convinced,  it  was  with  a realization 
that  every  member  of  the  human  race  was  as  vile  as  my- 
self. Subsequently,  down  to  my  middle  twenties,  I con- 
sidered the  subject  of  love  between  the  sexes  as  one  which 
should  never  be  mentioned  in  polite  society,  a subject 


Fear  of  Pregnancy. 


43 


which  ought  to  bring  deep  blushes  to  every  cheek. 

After  the  age  of  twelve,  I no  longer  masqueraded  in 
feminine  apparel  or  openly  flirted  with  boys  because  re- 
strained by  the  sense  of  shame.  Because  all  the  lexico- 
graphers wrongly  insist  on  the  feigned  character  of  flirta- 
tions, I am  moved  to  explain  here  once  for  all  that  my 
flirtations,  in  every  period  of  my  life,  were  sincere,  and 
prompted  by  adoration  for  those  flirted  with.  The  same 
explanation  applies  to  my  use  of  “ coquet.” 

But  while  no  longer  openly  and  energetically  flirting 
with  boys,  I still  adored  them,  enjoyed  their  occasional 
petting  attentions,  and  even  sometimes  put  myself  in  the 
way  of  receiving  such  consideration.  For  a brief  period 
during  my  fourteenth  year,  I used  powder  to  make  my 
cheeks  more  rosy  with  a view  to  impressing  my  school- 
mates, with  several  of  whom  I was  in  love. 

About  the  time  of  my  learning  the  secret  of  reproduc- 
tion, circumstances  brought  me  one  night  to  sleep  with  a 
boy  friend,  and  my  instincts  prevailed  while  he  slept.  On 
this  occasion  the  terrible  paroxysm  accompanying  fel- 
latio two  years  earlier,  as  already  described,  and  putting 
an  end  to  it  almost  before  it  had  begun,  was  not  expe- 
rienced, and  the  act  continued  for  some  minutes.  I did 
not  yet  know  of  the  existence  of  semen,  but  believed  the 
simple  presence  membrum  virile  in  membro  femineo  in- 
duced pregnancy.  Even  if  I had  had  an  emission  myself 
two  years  before,  I knew  absolutely  nothing  about  its  na- 
ture. For  several  months  after  this  night’s  experience 
I was  somewhat  worried  for  fear  of  pregnancy,  thinking 
it  might  result  from  buccal  coitus. 


44 


Early  Teens. 


During  ray  early  teens  also,  a few  schoolmates  hinted 
at  fellatio.  Because  of  shame  I gave  them  no  encourage- 
ment, although  almost  insane  for  love  of  them.  More- 
over, about  this  time,  several  old  and  middle-aged  men 
would  find  occasion  to  clasp  me,  cum  peni  adversum  fun- 
damentum  meum.  They  evidently  entertained  thoughts 
of  paedicatio,  but  on  account  of  our  position  in  society, 
they  did  not  go  any  farther.  I abhorred  their  conduct. 

As  a consequence  of  my  comparatively  solitary  life,  my 
association  with  boys  being  confined  to  the  school-room, 
I was  very  backward  in  acquiring  normal  sexual  knowl- 
edge, never  used  slang,  and  was  in  general  a “ goody- 
goody.”  Other  boys  called  me  an  “ innocent.”  Adults 
regarded  me  as  exceptionally  guileless  and  pure-minded. 
The  reader  will  discover  in  these  pages  what  manner  of 
person  I was,  but  down  to  my  middle  thirties  my  “ child- 
like and  bland  smile  ” and  my  “ frank  and  open  counten- 
ance ” have  been  harped  upon  by  my  every-day  associates. 
Down  to  the  age  named  they  have  described  me  as  “ mild- 
eyed,” “ inoffensive,”  “ childlike,”  and  “ lamblike.” 

I was  probably  more  a prey  to  sensual  imaginations 
than  any  other  boy  of  the  community,  and  yet,  without 
any  attempt  to  deceive  on  my  part,  I was  judged  to  be 
the  most  pure-minded!  Nevertheless,  though  naturally 
one  of  the  most  sensual,  I probably  practiced  the  most 
self-denial.  Later,  college  associates  remarked  that  they 
never  met  any  one  else  with  so  little  of  the  animal  in 
him,  when  actually  I was  then  perhaps  the  most  given  to 
venery  of  them  all.  I had  in  myself  the  germs  of  two 
as  widely  opposed  careers  as  it  would  be  possible  to  name. 


1889  — I Become  a Religious  Prodigy.  45 

I was  a born  religious  and  philanthropic  worker.  On  the 
other  hand,  no  girl  was  ever  more  clearly  cut  out  for  the 
life  of  a fille  de  joie  than  was  I. 

The  genitals  became  pubescent  as  early  as  the  com- 
pletion of  my  fifteenth  year.  Is  this  not  unusually  early 
for  a male,  but  the  proper  age  for  a female?  Whether 
or  no  as  a partial  effect  of  this  beginning  of  pseudo- 
puberty, I simultaneously  developed  into  a religious  prod- 
igy, leading  the  congregation  in  church  in  extempore 
prayer  at  this  early  age,  and  spending  a full  two  hours 
daily  in  private  religious  exercises  for  the  next  two  years. 
At  this  time  I definitely  chose  the  Christian  ministry  in 
a heathen  land  as  my  field  of  labor  when  I had  finished 
my  education.  This  greatly  increased  interest  in  religion 
fortunately  put  a stop  to  my  morbid  reveries.  I now 
looked  upon  my  yearning  for  fellatio  as  my  “ besetting 
sin,”  and  until  the  age  of  nineteen  fought  against  it  as 
few  others  have  struggled  to  be  freed  from  lustful  de- 
sires. A popular  medical  writer  has  described  the  girl- 
boy  as  “ congenitally  depraved,”  and  “ secretly  vicious.” 
I would  refute  this  and  other  slanderers  of  the  girl-boy, 
cursed  by  Nature  and  cursed  by  his  fellow  man.  Lofty 
ethical  ideals,  including  self-abnegation,  are  as  common 
among  youthful  inverts  as  among  those  normally  sexed. 

From  my  fourteenth  to  my  seventeenth  year,  I passed 
a rather  sad  and  lonely  life.  I was  ashamed  longer  to 
mingle  with  girls  as  one  of  them,  and  still  shrunk  from 
companionship  with  boys.  My  recreation  consisted  of 
long  solitary  walks  through  the  country  during  which  I 
brooded  over  the  real  and  imagined  ills  of  life.  Being 


46 


My  Gethsemane. 


delicate,  I hardly  expected  to  live  to  reach  manhood. 

Erotic  dreams,  with  emissions,  began  at  the  age  of 
fifteen,  and  in  a few  months  reached  a frequency  of  twice 
a week.  The  fraudulent  advertisements  in  the  newspapers 
held  out  to  me  the  strong  probability  of  my  soon  becom- 
ing an  idiot  as  a result  of  these  losses,  and  occasioned 
me  much  despondency.  Only  males  have  figured  in  these 
dreams.  They  related  only  to  fellatio,  never  to  paedi- 
catio. 

It  was  during  my  seventeenth  year  that  I first  became 
fully  conscious  that  my  unwilling  craving  for  fellatio  was 
deeply  rooted,  and  not  to  be  outgrown ; that  my  feeling 
for  my  schoolmates  was  the  procreative  instinct,  in  me 
misdirected.  The  realization  that  I was  differently  con- 
stituted from  nearly  all  other  males,  and  such  an  indi- 
vidual as  during  the  whole  history  of  the  human  race  — 
so  far  as  I was  then  acquainted  with  the  history  of  the 
phenomenon  — has  been  abhorred,  reviled,  and  regarded 
as  the  lowest  of  the  low,  a monster  of  wickedness,  and  an 
outcast,  was  accompanied  by  the  bitterest  sorrow,  caus- 
ing me  about  once  a week  to  go  forth  at  night  to  a lonely 
quasi-abandoned  graveyard,  throw  myself  on  the  grass- 
covered  graves,  writhe  in  an  agony  of  tears  and  moans, 
and  beseech  my  Creator  by  a miracle  then  and  there  to 
take  away  my  perverted  instinct  and  make  a virile  man 
of  me.  These  seasons  of  anguish  would  exhaust  me  men- 
tally and  physically  for  twenty-four  hours  afterward. 
This  was  the  beginning  of  three  such  melancholy  years 
as  few  are  called  to  pass  through,  and  I meditated  suicide 
repeatedly. 


Family  Physician  Prescribes. 


47 


For  several  months  I bore  my  sorrow  alone,  shame  pre- 
venting my  making  my  spiritual  adviser  my  confidant.  I 
was  at  last  driven  to  him  for  consolation,  and  on  his 
advice,  with  the  greatest  shame  and  in  broken  language, 
made  my  secret  known  to  my  family  physician.  The  lat- 
ter advised  me  to  enter  into  courtship  with  some  girl  ac- 
quaintance, and  said  that  this  would  render  me  normal. 
Like  most  physicians  in  1890,  he  did  not  understand  the 
deepseated  character  of  my  perversion.  Although  it  was 
counter  to  my  inclinations,  I cultivated  the  society  of  a 
girl  friend.  But  after  months  of  effort,  feminine  beauty 
proved  powerless  to  attract  me  in  the  least,  while  male 
beauty  was  constantly  increasing  its  sway  over  me. 

^ ^ 

In  September  of  1891  I entered  a university  in  the 
City  of  New  York,  which  was  only  an  hour  by  train  from 
my  home.  During  the  first  two  years  I was  regularly 
engaged  in  mission  work  in  the  slums  as  an  avocation.  I 
preached  about  twelve  times  from  the  pulpit,  besides  be- 
ing the  leader  of  about  a hundred  secondary  church  serv- 
ices. 

Life  in  a great  city  soon  made  its  impress  on  my  con- 
stitutional femininity,  which,  for  several  years  practically 
suppressed  as  a matter  of  conscience,  was  now  calling 
louder  and  louder  for  expression.  Moreover,  in  a great 
city,  the  temptation  to  a double  life  is  exceptional.  One 
can  so  easily  hide  a disgraceful  act.  It  was  especially 
unfortunate  that  I saw  so  much  of  the  loose  morals  of 
the  slums.  The  adolescents  there  attracted  me  power- 
fully, and  suggestions  came  into  my  mind  repeatedly  to 


48  Year  1891 — Freshman  in  University. 

accost  them  with  an  indecent  purpose. 

I was  also  constantly  in  love  with  athletic  classmates. 
In  the  lecture  rooms  I found  it  advisable  to  take  a front 
seat  since  the  sight  of  an  athlete  would  hypnotize  me, 
making  me  stare  at  his  form  and  disregard  the  lecturer. 
If  one  seated  himself  beside  me,  shameful  thoughts  would 
come  into  my  mind  at  once.  While  seated  in  the  lecture 
room,  some  of  them  have  put  their  arms  around  me  and 
said  “ Child.”  They  have  taken  my  hand  in  theirs  and 
said  it  was  just  like  a girl’s  hand.  When  my  sleeves  were 
rolled  up  they  have  said  that  my  arms  were  just  like  a 
girl’s  arms.  Their  laying  their  hands  on  me  was  ineffa- 
bly sweet,  and  always  occasioned  an  orgasm,  but  modesty 
forbade  betraying  my  feminine  feelings.  None  ever  even 
hinted  at  anything  further  than  what  I have  just  nar- 
rated. 

On  my  visits  home  during  this  first  year  in  college,  I 
was  supersensitive  to  my  family’s  criticism  of  me  for  lack 
of  manliness.  I sometimes  felt  like  never  visiting  home 
again  because  of  my  shame  at  being  an  effeminate  man.  I 
shunned  all  social  gatherings  because  I detested  the  idea 
of  courting  a female  and  putting  myself  forward  as  a 
man.  I would  nevertheless  weep  at  seeing  other  young 
people  enjoying  the  ordinary  legitimate  pleasures  of  love 
without  my  ever  — as  I then  thought  — being  privileged 
to  have  a share  in  them,  since  love  and  courtship  in  my 
case  must  be  with  one  of  my  own  physical  sex.  I often 
wished  I might  get  away  from  the  world  and  live  as  a 
monk  or,  better  in  my  own  case,  a hermit.  Then  I would 
be  in  a way  unsexed,  and  would  be  so  regarded  by  the 


Religion  Unavailing. 


49 


world.  As  to  be  a monk  one  must  be  a Roman  Catholic,  I 
contemplated  going  over  to  that  religious  body. 

One  day  I happened  to  be  left  alone  in  the  room  of  an 
athletic  classmate.  I spent  the  whole  time  in  passionately 
kissing  his  pillow  and  articles  of  clothing.  Especially  did 
corduroy  braccas  feel  most  exquisite  labris  as  I osculated 
partem  prope  locum  membri  virilis.  If  he  had  not  been 
fair  to  look  upon  and  decidedly  virile,  it  would  have  been 
nauseating  even  to  think  of  doing  what  I did. 

Afterward,  repentant,  I wrote  in  my  journal:  “Re- 
ligion, reputation,  life  itself,  ready  to  put  all  at  stake  for 
a few  moments  enjoyment!  I never  felt  so  much  like  a 
wretch  as  I do  now!  If  only  I had  thought  more  of  the 
love  of  Christ  to  me,  I might  not  have  so  far  yielded! 
For  a month  nearly  all  my  reading  has  been  of  a religious 
character;  I have  for  a month  been  in  close  communion 
with  God ; yet  in  a moment  I can  so  fall  away ! 0 to 

understand  more  fully  salvation  from  sin  through  Christ, 
and  to  experience  more  of  it  in  my  own  life ! . . . I 
feel  this  morning  that  I can  never  enter  the  ministry.  I 
feel  that  I must  give  up  all  my  plans,  and  that  maybe  I 
shall  come  to  a miserable  end.” 

All  my  life  corduroy  trousers  and  rubber  boots  have 
attracted  me  sexually  more  than  any  other  articles  of  civ- 
ilian dress.  I have  always  considered  both  articles  too 
masculine  for  me  to  wear.  It  would  have  filled  me  with 
shame  to  be  seen  wearing  boots.  At  the  age  of  ten  I 
would  go  secretly  to  the  closet  where  a brother’s  corduroy 
braccas  hung  and  do  as  described  above.  On  other  occa- 
sions prior  to  my  fifteenth  year  I have  arisen  at  night 


50 


Fetishes. 


and  similarly  osculated  braccas  puerorum  who  were  our 
guests,  creeping  stealthily  into  their  rooms  in  a highly 
excited  state  and  trembling  violently.  On  only  two  occa- 
sions I approached  their  bed  and  touched  them,  but  did 
not  dare  go  further  for  fear  they  would  awake.  I have 
no  doubt  now  that  I was  irresponsible,  and  any  girl-boys 
ever  found  guilty  of  similar  conduct  should  be  dealt  with 
compassionately. 

Speaking  of  fetishes, — from  boyhood  the  military  uni- 
form has  been  a magnet.  During  my  twenties  the  sight 
of  it  would  bring  on  a sort  of  babyish  and  effeminate 
dance  of  various  members  of  the  body  and  a sort  of 
pouting.  It  would  rivet  my  gaze,  I would  halt  and  turn 
around  as  the  soldier  passed,  and  mark  his  every  move- 
ment until  he  disappeared.  I would  consider  his  gait  and 
his  every  sway  and  swagger  as  marvellously  manly  and  in 
every  way  wonderful. 

Of  those  under  thirty  years  of  age,  nineteen  out  of 
twenty  soldiers  or  sailors  in  uniform  have  captivated  me, 
but  hardly  one  out  of  twenty  civilians.  But  I generally 
had  to  get  used  to  the  uniform.  When  the  olive  drab  was 
first  adopted  for  American  soldiers,  I had  only  disgust 
for  it  and  its  wearer,  while  fascinated  by  the  older  blue 
uniform.  But  after  the  olive  drab  had  been  worn  for 
two  years,  it  appealed  to  me  far  more  strongly  than  what 
I now  regarded  as  the  “ old-fashioned  ” blue,  though  the 
latter  was  still  often  worn  by  soldiers. 

******** 

The  following  was  written  in  my  diary  about  the  mid- 
dle of  my  freshman  year : 


Dawning  Sense  of  Irresponsibility.  51 

“ I sometimes  think  I am  an  irresponsible  being.  De 
Quincey  is  exonerated  from  censure  for  his  opium  habit. 
May  God  not  also  pardon  my  cherishing  amorous 
thoughts  of  the  kind  peculiar  to  me  — abnormal  for  oth- 
ers, yet  for  me  normal?  I am  by  nature  very  amorous, 
and  have  been  all  my  life,  even  in  infancy,  when  I could 
not  distinguish  between  good  and  evil.  Further,  all  my 
life  I have  been  thrown  in  with  what  is  to  me  the  opposite 
sex  — compelled  to  mingle  and  live  with  them.  I had 
nothing  to  do  with  the  bringing  about  of  this  peculiar 
nature  and  environment  of  mine.  Has  it  been  my  fault 
that  my  amorous  desires  have  run  into  the  channel  they 
have,  the  channel  opened  to  them  when  I was  in  the  state 
of  innocence  and  ignorance  of  a three-year-old  child?  I 
am  really  a woman,  and  a very  amorous  one  at  that,  al- 
though regarded  as  a man  because  the  majority  of  my 
physical  traits  are  those  of  the  male  sex.  Did  society 
ever  compel  an}'  other  woman,  except  those  like  me,  to  live, 
eat,  sleep,  frequent  the  same  comfort-rooms  and  baths, 
lie  sometimes  in  the  same  bed,  with  men,  and  sometimes  to 
listen  to  the  unclean  talk  of  men?  I am  driven  wild  by 
instinctive  cravings  more  than  any  other  human  being 
ever  was.  . . . 

“ I wish  I was  not  of  an  amorous  nature.  It  makes  my 
life  miserable.  If  I had  my  choice,  it  would  be  a life 
entirely  free  from  all  sexual  phenomena  — complete  sex- 
ual indifference.  How  gladly  would  I be  free  from  all 
passion,  so  that  I could  make  a name  for  myself  in  the 
world ! My  highest  ideal  is  to  be  a Christian  philosopher, 
and  to  preach  the  Gospel  to  those  who  are  living  in  sin 


52 


Dawning  Doubts  as  to  Sinfulness. 


and  sorrow.  An  amorous  person  can  hardly  be  a phil- 
osopher, a scholar,  and  a preacher.  . . .” 

Shortly  afterward,  in  a letter  to  my  family  physician, 
I wrote  as  follows : 

“ I would  like  to  know  if  you  think  there  is  any  possi- 
bility of  my  ever  following  my  instincts  without  sin?  It 
is  right  for  the  normal  individual  to  appease  natural 
craving  in  wedlock.  Is  it  not  also  right  for  me  to  do  the 
same  if  the  opportunity  should  offer?  For  instance,  I 
will  suppose  an  almost  impossible  case.  If  I should  ever 
come  across  a young  man  whom  I loved  and  who  would 
marry  me,  would  it  be  right  for  me  to  live  with  him  as 
his  wife?  This  supposition  is  probably  highly  repulsive 
to  you,  but  absolutely,  looking  at  it  philosophically,  it  is 
no  more  unseemly  and  monstrous  for  me  to  be  joined  in 
wedlock  with  the  man  I would  love  above  everything  else 
in  the  world,  than  for  a normal  individual  to  enter  into  the 
state  of  matrimony. 

“ I long  to  be  made  the  pet  of  my  classmates.  Would 
it  be  unbecoming  to  show  my  girlishness  to  them  occasion- 
ally, and  welcome  and  encourage  their  caresses  which  I 
sometimes  receive?  I still  often  pray  God  to  deaden  these 
desires  to  receive  tokens  of  a reciprocated  passion  on  the 
part  of  those  whom  I sexually  worship,  but  I am  begin- 
ning to  add,  ‘ If  it  be  Thy  will ; ’ because  maybe  it  is  for 
my  highest  good  and  happiness  to  have  these  feelings  to- 
ward my  associates. 

“ I desire  to  know  the  mysteries  of  my  peculiar  life.  It 
seems  to  me  I have  a right  to  know.  I spent  several  days 
recently  in  ransacking  the  college  library  for  the  informa- 


First  Knowledge  of  Other  Adult  Inverts.  53 

tion  I desire,  but  found  almost  nothing.  If  the  science  of 
medicine  knows  anything  about  my  peculiarity,  I demand 
of  you  to  know  it. 

“ Lately  from  a conversation  of  some  students  that  I 
heard,  I chanced  to  learn  more  about  my  peculiar  afflic- 
tion than  I ever  knew  before.  I heard  brief  accounts  of 
four  persons  cursed  as  I am,  ‘ With  their  procreative 
instincts  centered  in  their  heads  instead  of  in  the  usual 
organs,’  as  one  of  the  students  expressed  it.  These  four 
victims  were  all  intellectual  men ; one,  a young  clergy- 
man; one,  an  elderly  judge;  and  two,  principals  of  schools. 
They  were  found  out  by  their  communities.  The  clergy- 
man committed  suicide,  and  the  others  had  to  flee  from 
the  stern  hand  of  the  law.  . . . 

“You  thus  see  that  I may  some  day  have  to  flee  from 
the  wrath  of  men  by  suicide,  or  by  self-imposed  exile  in  a 
distant  land,  where  I doubt  if  I could  stand  the  misery 
I would  suffer,  forever  removed  from  all  my  dear  ones,  and 
worse  than  dead  to  them.  No  one  would  have  any  mercy 
on  me,  and  my  name  would  be  held  up  as  that  of  a con- 
summate hypocrite  and  the  most  degraded  of  men.  But 
more  than  anything  I would  suffer,  I would  bring  my  par- 
ents in  sorrow  to  the  grave.” 

******* 

About  this  time  I read  the  eminent  theologian  Lange’s 
comments  on  St.  Paul’s  teaching  about  marriage,  and 
through  these,  as  well  as  through  my  own  deep  reflections, 
I was  becoming  more  than  ever  persuaded  that  since  it 
was  God  who  had  planted  these  instincts  in  me  at  birth, 
they  could  not  be  so  horribly  sinful  as  I had  been  led  to 


54, 


Paroxysms  of  Melancholia. 


believe.  Nevertheless  I was  not  finally  convinced.  A 
month  later  I stayed  up  all  of  one  night  in  order  to 
reconsider  the  question,  desiring  and  purposing  to  con- 
vince myself  of  the  sinfulness  of  an  invert’s  harboring  the 
suggestions  of  instinct  to  the  slightest  degree.  I weighed 
carefully  all  the  passages  of  sacred  scripture  bearing  on 
the  case,  and  finally  determined  to  fight  harder  than  ever 
to  annihilate  in  myself  all  the  movings  of  the  sexual  na- 
ture. In  the  following  weeks,  I occasionally  did  not  leave 
my  room  all  day,  fasting,  praying,  and  studying  the 
scriptures. 

During  this  winter  of  ’91-’92,  paroxysms  of  melan- 
cholia occasionally  came  upon  me  at  night.  When  I felt 
their  approach,  I could  not  stand  it  to  remain  in  my 
room,  where  I must  be  noiseless,  but  went  out  to  a deserted 
spot  in  a large  park  near  which  I lived,  where  I would 
shriek  repeatedly.  All  my  muscles  seemed  to  be  rigid,  and 
my  fists  were  clinched.  I would  dig  my  finger-nails  into 
my  palms,  and  wave  my  arms  wildly.  Within  a few  min- 
utes, my  strength  would  be  completely  gone.  I looked 
upon  these  paroxysms  as  fits  of  insanity,  and  feared  I 
would  become  permanently  and  violently  insane.  I now 
attribute  these  attacks  largely  to  unsatisfied,  involuntary 
yearnings  for  the  mate  which  Nature  had  designed  me  to 
have.  If  society  had  permitted  me  one,  and  I had  been 
taught  that  it  was  right  for  me  to  have  one,  I would  have 
been  saved  an  enormous  amount  of  suffering,  as  well  as 

perhaps  my  subsequent  career  as  a fairie. 

******** 

About  the  middle  of  April  came  a characteristic  expe- 


Typical  Temptation  of  Inverts. 


55 


rience  of  an  invert’s  life.  Shortly  before  my  usual  hour 
of  retiring,  an  old  schoolmate,  a stalwart  and  handsome 
youth,  who  had  spent  the  day  in  the  city,  called  and 
asked  to  remain  over  night.  I experienced  a shock,  know- 
ing the  temptation  such  an  arrangement  would  be  to  me. 
For  several  weeks  I had  been  living  a life  almost  free  from 
amorous  thoughts,  due  to  the  lengthened  seasons  of  re- 
ligious exercises  spoken  of  above. 

Out  of  considerations  of  hospitality,  I could  not  but 
grant  my  friend’s  request.  How  could  I bring  myself  to 
explain  to  him  that  I was  essentially  a girl,  and  so  our 
spending  a night  in  the  same  room  was  not  to  be  thought 
of?  I inquired  if  there  was  not  a vacant  room  in  the 
house,  but  that  night  there  was  none.  Of  course  I could 
have  given  up  my  room  and  gone  to  a hotel,  but  I had 
to  be  saving,  and  such  a course  would  humiliate  my 
friend.  So  I arranged  for  him  to  occupy  my  bed,  and 
for  myself  to  sleep  on  the  floor.  Sleeping  alone  on  the 
floor,  I felt  strong  enough  to  resist,  as  I had  done  before 
when  forced  to  sleep  in  the  same  room  with  a youth  to 
whom  I was  attracted,  and  I would  have  probably  re- 
sisted on  the  present  occasion  if  it  had  not  been  for  an 
unusual  and  unforeseen  incident  which  inflamed  me  as 
never  before. 

My  guest  was  moderately  addicted  to  sensuality.  As 
we  were  about  to  retire,  he  handed  me,  without  evil  inten- 
tions, a libidinous  rhyme  to  read,  the  first  I had  ever  seen. 
I became  intoxicated,  and  my  companion  happening  to 
absent  himself  from  the  room  for  a few  moments,  I pas- 
sionately osculated  the  paper  the  rhyme  was  written 


56 


The  Spiritual  versus  the  Carnal. 


upon.  My  fleshly  nature  immediately  determined  to  have 
its  desire  that  night,  but  my  spiritual  nature  counselled 
otherwise.  It  was  to  be  a struggle  of  hours.  “ Self- 
praise  goes  but  little  ways,”  but  I believe  that  there  are 
comparatively  few  of  the  human  race  who,  with  a nature 
peculiarly  susceptible  to  sensuality,  as  mine  was,  would 
have  resisted  as  long  as  I did  the  force  of  so  many  evil 
suggestions. 

After  retiring,  the  young  man  soon  slept.  But  I was 
unable  to  sleep,  no  matter  how  hard  I tried.  My  mind 
was  unusually  active.  I continually  prayed  that  sleep 
might  come  and  save  me  from  yielding,  because  I felt  that 
my  own  poor  will  could  not  resist  the  long  pent-up  force 
of  passion.  Notwithstanding  all  my  prayers,  nothing 
was  further  from  me  that  night  than  sleep. 

It  was  a night  following  a Sabbath  spent  in  commun- 
ion with  God,  and  with  a strong  determination  to  live  a 
life  of  self-abnegation  for  the  sake  of  others.  But  through 
the  long  hours  of  wakefulness,  the  influence  of  the  sexual 
nature  grew  stronger  and  stronger.  For  hours  I vacil- 
lated between  cherishing  the  suggestions  of  the  spiritual 
nature  and  those  of  the  flesh.  My  chief  defence  against 
the  latter  was  the  thought  that  if  I yielded  this  once,  I 
must  from  now  on  give  up  all  idea  of  ever  becoming  a 
preacher  of  the  Gospel. 

Moreover,  the  young  man  knew  I was  engaged  in  re- 
ligious work,  and  expected  to  enter  the  ministry,  and 
what  would  he  henceforth  think  of  the  genuineness  and 
utility  of  religion?  If  it  had  not  been  for  my  occupying 
an  active  position  in  religious  work  and  my  looking  for- 


First  Full  Knowledge. 


57 


ward  to  entering  the  Christian  ministry,  I would  have 
yielded  much  sooner  on  the  present  occasion,  as  well  as  in- 
dulged my  instincts  much  earlier  in  my  career. 

As  I grew  more  and  more  weary  mentally  and  physic- 
ally, I naturally  grew  weaker  and  weaker  in  will  power. 
The  seducer  of  souls  finally  conquered.  I suddenly  found 
myself  lying  on  the  foot  of  my  guest’s  bed.  The  transi- 
tion seemed  to  have  taken  place  in  a moment  of  uncon- 
sciousness. Being  exhausted,  I had  probably  dozed  off 
for  a moment,  walked  there  in  my  sleep,  and  again  fully 
waked  up  as  I laid  myself  on  the  bed.  As  the  Ruth  of 
the  scriptures  — but  I wish  to  emphasize  it,  without  pre- 
meditation and  unconsciously  — I had  come  softly,  uncov- 
ered the  young  man’s  feet,  and  lain  down.  Before  long  he 
awoke,  and  heartily  acquiesced  in  my  desires.  For  fel- 
latio, I at  the  moment  felt  ready  to  forsake  all  plans  for 
leading  a useful  and  respected  life  — for  I thought  it 
meant  that. 

The  next  morning  I was  ashamed  to  look  my  guest  in 
the  face,  and  stammered  forth  an  apology.  I was  really 
irresponsible  for  my  conduct,  but  at  the  time  believed  I 
had  wilfully  sinned,  and  when  the  time  of  temptation 
was  past,  sincerely  repented.  In  my  diary  I wrote: 

“ What  harm  may  I not  have  brought  on  Christ’s  cause 
by  my  recent  action ! I may  have  endangered  the  eternal 
welfare  of  my  friend.  I suppose  he  thinks  I am  a nice  one 
to  be  thinking  of  becoming  a minister  of  the  Gospel.  I 
feel  ashamed  to  make  any  further  profession  of  religion 
before  him.  O to  be  holy  and  pure!  I think  I am  holy 


58 


Utmost  Recourse  to  Religion. 


enough  to  be  a clergyman  if  it  were  not  for  my  sins  arising 
from  my  abnormal  passion.  . . . 

“ Miserable  wretch,  miserable  wretch,  miserable  wretch, 
that’s  all  I am ! I am  ashamed  to  look  any  one  in  the  face 
any  more.  I feel  very  much  like  putting  an  end  to  my 
life,  or  else  going  off  to  some  place  where  none  of  my 
friends  will  know  I am.  I wish  this  morning  to  die  speed- 
ily, to  be  killed  in  an  accident  on  the  street.  I would  like 
just  now  to  lay  down  my  life  for  others.  I have  nothing 
to  live  for.  I am  one  of  the  unhappiest  of  mortals.  I 
may  be  disgraced,  disgrace  my  family,  bring  reproach 
upon  the  cause  of  Christ,  be  compelled  to  flee,  be  disowned 
by  my  parents,  be  cursed  and  be  despised  throughout  the 
land.  I will  flog  myself  and  starve  myself,  to  see  if  I can- 
not conquer  my  body. 

“ Because  of  my  many  failures  to  follow  Christ  per- 
fectly in  the  past,  and  because  something  out  of  the  or- 
dinary is  necessary  to  root  out  my  procreative  instincts, 
I now  vow  before  God  to  imitate  the  example  of  Christ, 
who  spent  much  time  alone  in  meditation  and  prayer,  and 
to  spend  hereafter  one  hour  every  morning  and  one  hour 
every  evening  in  the  study  of  God’s  word,  in  meditation, 
and  in  prayer.” 

For  some  weeks  I fulfilled  this  vow.  But  my  seasons 
of  devotion  gradually  became  less  and  less  edifying,  and 
at  last  I reached  the  point  where  the  spirit  of  prayer  — 
that  is,  of  conversation  and  communion  with  the  Great 
Omnipresent  Spirit  — left  me  entirely,  and  the  words  of 
sacred  scripture,  formerly  falling  upon  my  eyes  and  mind 
with  a strange  power  and  revealing  to  me,  and  enabling 


Haunted  by  Sensual  Images. 


59 


me  to  live,  the  larger,  heavenly,  eternal  life,  where  sensu- 
ality has  disappeared,  were  now  read  mechanically  and 
failed  to  impress  me  except  as  being  tedious. 

Sensual  thoughts  now  began  to  creep  into  my  mind 
more  and  more.  Interest  in  my  studies  was  declining.  In 
the  class-room  I was  absent-minded,  and  when  called  upon, 
would  be  confused,  and  hardly  able  to  reply  to  the  pro- 
fessor’s questions.  Even  here  I would  be  thinking  of  the 
soft  satin-smooth  cutis  in  inguine  of  my  late  guest  which 
I had  found  gratissima  tactioni,  praesertim  labiali  et  lin- 
guali,  and  would  regret  that  it  was  always  to  be  denied 
to  me  to  touch  again  on  viro  this  marvellously  fine  integu- 
ment. I pined  for  the  repetition  of  other  similar  pleas- 
ures which  I had  for  the  first  time  tasted  in  their  fulness 
only  a few  weeks  before,  such  as  pillowing  caput  super 
abdomene  aut  femure  nudo  adolescentis,  the  fascinating 
sight  membri  virilis  ejus  erecti,  and  the  extremely  smooth 
surface  glandis,  gratissima  tactioni  et  digitorum  et  oris. 

While  walking  the  street,  my  gaze  would  be  riveted  on 
stalwart  adolescents,  and  I would  halt  to  look  back  at 
the  handsomest  that  passed.  If  a street-car  conductor 
happened  to  be  youthful  and  good-looking,  I became  al- 
most irrational.  With  a look  of  despair  I would  gaze 
insolently  and  imploringly  into  the  face  of  the  blueclad 
youth  as  if  I would  compel  him  to  read  my  thoughts, 
since  I did  not  dare  give  them  expression.  When  in  a 
crowded  car  he  brushed  against  me  in  passing,  a tremor 
would  pass  over  my  body.  Youthful  policemen  also  at 
this  time  particularly  fascinated  me.  Blue  clothing  and 


60  Nymphomania. 

brass  buttons  have  always  made  a young  man  appear  to 
me  as  at  his  best. 

After  retiring  at  night,  my  unwilling  desire  to  be  in 
amplexu  adolescentis  did  not  permit  me  to  sleep. 
Through  long  hours  of  wakefulness  I writhed  on  my  bed 
and  repeatedly  groaned  in  despair.  “ Am  I being  tried 
by  fire?  ” I would  ask  myself.  “ ‘ For  every  one  will  be 
salted  with  fire,’  says  the  scripture.  Are  others  so  tried 
by  fire  as  I have  been  through  a large  part  of  my  life? 
Maybe  this  is  what  God  is  doing  to  me  in  implanting  the 
strongest  of  desires  and  then  forbidding  my  gratifying 
them.” 

Even  in  the  midst  of  almost  continuous  prayer,  my  de- 
lirious imagination  brought  before  me  obscene  images, 
which  I repeatedly  tried  in  vain  to  expel  from  my  mind. 
Several  times  during  the  struggle  I would  rise  and  walk 
up  and  down  the  room  for  a few  moments.  After  retir- 
ing for  perhaps  the  third  or  fourth  time,  I would  rise 
once  more,  go  raving  about  the  room  like  an  insane  per- 
son, and  if  it  had  not  been  for  the  lateness  of  the  hour, 
about  midnight,  I would  have  gone  out  in  search  of  fellatio, 
which  could  alone  pacify  me.  I was  at  last  able  to  fall 
asleep  only  by  making  the  resolution  to  undertake  the 
search  on  the  following  evening.  But  on  several  evenings 
I postponed  it  because  of  the  overwhelming  dread  of  set- 
ting out,  as  well  as  because  the  desire  was  not  so  insistent 
until  it  became  time  to  go  to  bed. 

During  these  terrible  days,  I felt  that  a crisis  in  my  life 
was  at  hand.  I felt  that  I stood  at  the  dividing  of  the 
ways,  one  leading  to  honor  and  self-approbation  the  other 
to  ignominy  and  the  blasting  of  all  my  legitimate  ambi- 


First  Nocturnal  Ramble. 


61 


tions.  As  each  month  of  my  first  year  in  the  university 
went  by,  the  struggle  against  sensuality  had  been  grow- 
ing harder  and  harder. 

Finally,  on  an  evening  in  early  June,  I arose  from 
my  studies  and  prepared  for  my  first  nocturnal  ramble. 
I put  on  a cast-off  suit  which  I kept  for  wear  only  in 
my  room,  placed  some  coin  in  a pocket  and  several  bills 
in  a shoe,  stuffed  a few  matches  in  one  pocket  and  in 
another  a wet  sponge,  wrapped  in  paper  so  as  not  to 
dry  out,  and  then  carefully  went  through  my  clothing 
a second  time  to  make  sure  that  I had  not  by  oversight 
left  on  me  some  clue  to  my  identity. 

On  account  of  my  shabby  clothing,  precaution  was  nec- 
essary to  leave  my  place  of  residence  — a high-class 
boarding-house  — without  being  seen.  I crept  stealthily 
out  of  my  room,  closing  the  door  softly  so  as  not  to 
attract  attention.  After  listening  to  make  sure  that  no 
one  was  about  to  ascend  the  outside  steps  leading  to  the 
street,  I opened  the  outer  door  and  glided  out  bare-headed, 
a cast-off  soft  cap  crumpled  up  in  my  hand  because  I was 
ashamed  to  be  seen  wearing  it  by  any  one  who  knew  me. 
Hurriedly  crossing  to  the  opposite  side  of  the  street,  I put 
on  the  cap,  pulling  the  tip  down  over  my  eyes.  Walking 
a few  blocks  to  a park,  I took  my  house  key  from  my 
pocket  and  hid  it  in  the  grass,  so  that  it  could  not  be 
stolen  and  I thereby  rendered  unable  to  let  myself  in  on 
my  return. 

The  reader  now  beholds  me  for  the  first  time  trans- 
formed into  a sort  of  secondary  personality  inhabiting 
the  same  corpus  as  my  proper  self,  to  which  personality 


62  “ Jennie  June  ” Is  Introduced. 

I soon  gave  the  name  of  “ Jennie  June,”  and  which  person- 
ality was  to  become  far  more  widely  known  in  the  imme- 
diately following  dozen  years  than  the  other  side  of  my 
dual  nature,  the  unremitting  student  and  scholar,  was  ever 
to  be  known.  The  feminine  side  of  my  dual  nature,  for 
many  years,  as  a matter  of  conscience,  repressed,  was  now 
to  find  full  expression  in  “ Jennie  June.”  For  it  was  not 
alone  fellatio  that  I craved,  but  also  to  be  looked  upon  and 
treated  as  a member  of  the  gentler  sex.  Nothing  would 
have  pleased  me  more  than  to  adopt  feminine  attire  on  this 
and  my  multitudinous  subsequent  female-impersonation 
sprees,  as  some  other  ordinai’ily  respectable  androgynes 
are  in  the  habit  of  doing  when  going  out  on  similar 
promenades,  but  my  position  in  the  social  organism  was 
much  higher  than  theirs,  and  the  adoption  of  female  ap- 
parel would  in  my  case  have  been  attended  with  too  great 
risk.  The  mere  wearing  of  it  on  the  street  by  an  adult 
male  would  render  him  liable  to  imprisonment. 

I made  my  way  to  the  quarter  of  the  city  bordering 
the  Hudson  River  that  is  given  over  largely  to  factories 
and  freight  yards  and  is  known  as  “ Hell’s  Kitchen  ” be- 
cause of  the  many  steam  vents.  In  this  lonely  and  at 
night  little  frequented  neighborhood,  perhaps  the  most 
advantageous  in  the  city  for  highway  robbery,  where 
nothing  else  than  burning  passion  could  have  induced  me 
to  go  at  night,  I ran  across  a stalwart  adolescent  of 
about  my  own  age  seated  alone  on  a beer  keg  in  front 
of  a bar  room.  By  a great  effort  of  the  will  I accosted 
him.  My  voice  trembled  and  my  whole  body  shook  as 
if  I had  the  ague. 


63 


Ruffians’  Attitude  Toward  Inverts. 

I had  anticipated  little  difficulty  in  securing  a com- 
panion, but  events  showed  it  to  be  otherwise.  For  years 
subsequently  I associated  intimately  with  hundreds  of  un- 
married toughs  of  the  slums  from  seventeen  to  twenty- 
four  years  of  age,  and  so  I know  their  nature.  Approxi- 
mately one-third  have  a distaste  for  coitus  with  an 
invert.  The  other  two-thirds  would  accommodate  him 
provided  their  sexual  needs  were  not  fully  met  by  normal 
intercourse  — which  is  generally  the  case.  Moreover, 
there  is  a difference  between  their  attitude  toward  a per- 
fect stranger  who  accosts  them,  and  an  invert  with  whom 
they  have  become  somewhat  acquainted.  The  impulse  to 
rob  a perfect  stranger  tends  to  drown  out  all  the  mov- 
ings  of  carnality.  In  addition,  the  feeling  that  he  is  a 
stranger  and  an  outlaw  — the  latter  fact  being  almost 
universally  known  — prompts  them  to  assault  him. 

Along  with  an  outline  of  what  happened  on  this  my 
first  nocturnal  ramble,  I describe  below  my  general  method 
of  approaching  strangers  in  the  poor  quarters  of  the 
city.  Of  course  I cannot  recall  the  exact  dialogue  in  a 
particular  case,  but  all  the  sample  conversations  given 
in  this  autobiography  are  woven  from  actual  remarks 
passed  at  different  times.  I have  taken  part  in  hundreds 
of  dialogues  of  the  kind  sampled  here  and  there  in  this 
book,  and  the  reader  can  be  assured  of  obtaining  a truth- 
ful impression  of  the  words  exchanged  by  me  — an  an- 
drogyne — with  my  youthful  virile  associates.  On  the 
present  occasion,  after  a few  commonplace  remarks,  the 
conversation  was  of  the  following  character: 

“ What  big,  big  strong  hands  you  have ! I bet  you 


64 


Method,  of  Leading  Up. 


are  a good  fighter.”  My  aim  was  to  talk  rather  baby- 
ishly so  as  gradually  to  betray  my  nature. 

“ There’s  a few  as  kin  lick  me  but  not  many.” 

“ I love  fighters.  If  you  and  I had  a fight,  who  do  you 
think  would  win?  ” 

“ I could  lick  a dozen  like  yer  together.” 

“ I know  you  could.  I am  only  a baby.” 

“ Hah  hah ! A baby  ! ” 

“ Say,  you  have  a handsome  face.” 

“ Me  hansome  ! Stop  your  kiddin.” 

“ Really  you  are  handsome.  I am  going  to  tell  you  a 
secret.  I am  a woman-hater.  I am  really  a girl  in  a 
fellow’s  clothes.  I would  like  to  get  some  fellow  to  marry 
me.  You  look  beautiful  to  me.  Would  you  be  willing 
to?” 

“ How  much  does  it  cost  yer  to  git  married?  Give  me 
a V [meaning  five  dollars]  and  I’ll  be  yourn,  or  else  git 
out  of  here.” 

My  statement  that  I had  not  that  amount  with  me 
brought  the  threat  of  a pummeling.  I was  beginning  to 
wish  I was  far  away,  but  concealed  my  uneasiness  as  best 
I could.  After  a few  minutes  more  of  conversation,  sev- 
eral pals  happened  to  come  along.  He  called  out,  “ I’ve 
got  a fairie  here!”  and  clutching  my  shoulder  with  one 
hand,  he  clinched  his  other  fist,  shook  it  threateningly  in 
my  face,  and  demanded : “ Hand  out  your  money ! 

Hand  out  your  money  ! ” 

Frightened  to  death,  I handed  him  all  the  coin  I had, 
amounting  to  a little  more  than  a dollar.  I protested 
I had  no  more,  and  after  they  had  searched  my  pockets 


First  Robbery  and  Assault. 


65 


and  felt  my  clothing  all  over  for  concealed  bills,  one  of 
them  gave  me  a blow  in  the  face.  With  that  wonderful 
agility  which  supposedly  grave  danger  to  one’s  life  can 
arouse,  I sprinted  away,  one  of  the  ruffians  pursuing  a 
few  steps  and  giving  me  several  blows  in  the  back.  But 
I was  so  terrified  that  I did  not  halt  until  I had  run  sev- 
eral blocks.  Panting  and  exhausted,  I seated  myself  on 
a door-step  and  felt  that  I was  forever  cured  of  seeking 
a paramour.  I called  to  mind  the  biblical  text,  “ The  way 
of  the  transgressor  is  hard,”  and  I felt  glad  that  it  was 
hard  so  as  to  help  me  never  to  transgress  again. 

But  after  I had  rested,  my  intense  desire  for  fellatio  in- 
duced me  to  make  an  endeavor  in  another  poor  neighbor- 
hood. I passed  man}'  groups  of  ruffians  congregated  in 
front  of  bar-rooms,  but  must  find  some  solitary  adolescent. 
At  last  I ran  across  one  standing  in  front  of  a factory, 
evidently,  as  I later  concluded,  its  watchman.  I walked 
past  him  several  times,  unable  to  pluck  up  courage  to 
speak.  But  he  called  out  angrily : “ Who  are  you  look- 

ing at  ? ” 

“ Pardon  me  for  my  rudeness,  but  I was  wishing  I 
could  get  acquainted  with  you.  I am  a baby,  and  I want 
a big,  strong,  brave  fellow  like  you  to  pet  me.  I’ll  give 
you  a dollar  if  you’ll  pet  me  for  a few  minutes,  and  let  me 
sit  on  your  lap.” 

Much  to  my  surprise  and  disappointment,  he  sent  me 
away  with  a curse.  Twice  repulsed,  I decided  to  try 
again  in  a part  of  the  city  where  the  immigrant  element 
predominates.  Both  the  neighborhoods  tried  were  quasi- 
American.  I strolled  down  the  Bowery,  staring  long- 


66  The  “ Innocent  ” in  Red-light  District. 

ingly  and  beseechingly  into  the  eyes  of  the  adolescents 
I passed,  but  too  timid  to  accost  any.  Those  who  had 
known  me  all  my  life,  had  they  met  me  now,  would  have 
wondered  what  could  have  brought  into  the  then  theatre 
and  red-light  district  of  the  foreign  laboring  classes  of 
the  city,  at  an  hour  approaching  midnight,  a timid  youth, 
hitherto  called  an  “ innocent,”  naturally  pious,  and  gen- 
erally esteemed  for  his  intellectual  tastes.  My  friends 
would  never  have  dreamed  that  I would  frequent  that  red- 
light  district  near  midnight,  and  would  never  have  be- 
lieved it  if  any  one  told  them  that  I was  there  for  no 
good  purpose. 

Arrived  at  the  southern  end  of  the  Bowery,  I turned 
into  New  Bowery,  because  it  looked  dark  and  crime- 
inviting.  I roamed  for  another  half-hour  in  the  dark, 
deserted  streets  of  this  quarter,  accosting  one  or  two 
young  dockrats  who  were  still  abroad,  but  they  simply 
ransacked  my  pockets,  gave  me  a parting  blow,  and  went 
on  their  way.  Moistening  my  handkerchief  at  a drink- 
ing fountain,  I washed  my  bloodstained  face.  Finally, 
after  midnight,  thoroughly  sobered  by  my  disappoint- 
ments and  physical  smarting,  I boarded  a car.  Securing 
my  key  from  its  hiding  place,  I let  myself  into  my  lodgings 
without  any  one  ever  learning  of  my  nocturnal  ramble. 

How  shall  such  conduct  on  the  part  of  one  of  the  mem- 
bers of  an  intellectual  and  decent  community  be  judged? 
Let  not  the  reader  in  pharasaical  self-complacency  — an 
attitude  of  mind  all  too  common  in  dealing  with  the  vic- 
tims of  congenital  defects  of  mind  or  brain  — begin  to 
set  his  own  virtue  over  against  the  apparent  depravity  of 


Judgment  on  My  Slumming. 


67 


such  as  I.  If  he  has  not  fallen  as  low  as  I,  it  is  not  neces- 
sarily because  he  is  morally  good,  and  I morally  bad, 
but  because  in  him  there  has  been  no  overpowering  im- 
pulse to  do  what  mankind  regards  as  unspeakably  low. 
As  to  yielding  to  the  sexual  instinct,  many  have  compara- 
tively weak  impulses  in  that  direction,  and  could  remain 
celibate  all  their  lives  without  experiencing  any  kind  or 
degree  of  suffering.  Others  would  be  rendered  semi-mad 
by  such  abstinence,  as  was  the  case  with  me.  The  Rev. 
Robert  Collyer  has  stated  the  matter  well.  It  is  like  two 
young  men  to  each  of  whom  is  given  a field  to  cultivate. 
That  of  the  one  is  fertile,  free  from  stones,  thicket,  and 
weeds;  that  of  the  other  a dense  marshy  jungle.  Can  the 
two  contestants  be  expected  in  the  same  time  to  produce 
equally  good  crops  of  grain  from  their  widely  different 
pieces  of  land?  Some  men  are  born  with  much  in  their 
mental  make-up  that  disposes  them  to  evil,  while  others 
find  it  no  effort  to  live  virtuous  lives. 

While  I have  thus  in  my  more  mature  judgment  con- 
sidered myself  practically  irresponsible  for  the  conduct 
just  described,  in  that  early  stage  of  my  career,  I was 
not  so  sure,  and  during  the  day  following  this  first  noc- 
turnal ramble,  was  overwhelmed  with  a sense  of  shame  and 
guilt.  When  night  came  on,  I made  my  way  to  a soli- 
tary spot  in  a large  park,  where  I threw  myself  on  the 
ground  to  weep  and  shriek  and  pray.  The  burden  of  my 
prayer  was  that  God  would  change  my  nature  that  very 
moment  and  give  me  the  mind  and  powers  of  a man.  I 
soon  heard  footsteps  approaching,  arose  instantly,  and 
walked  from  the  spot.  The  men  said  they  were  looking 


68 


Faith-cure  Tried. 


for  an  owl  which  they  had  heard  hooting.  It  was  prob- 
ably only  my  peculiar  insane,  half-suppressed  shrieks  they 
had  heard. 

At  this  time  I entered  the  following  in  my  diary : “ I 

am  experiencing  the  enslaving  power  of  sin.  I now  know 
how  to  sympathize  with  poor  sinners,  drunkards  and  har- 
lots. . . . Do  such  perverse  passions  spring  from  idol- 
atry and  forgetting  God,  as  St.  Paul  says?  But  for  sev- 
eral years  I have  lived  in  communion  with  God.  Several 
different  times  in  my  life  I have  passed  a month  without 
conscious  sin.  Plow  can  this  accord  with  the  fact  that  I 
have  repeatedly  in  childhood  and  several  times  in  youth 
committed  the  act  [fellatio]  recognized  by  men  as  the 
most  heinous  of  crimes?  ” 

I soon  went  to  my  village  home  for  the  summer,  where 
I found  the  struggle  against  sensuality  much  less  severe. 
For  the  first  month  there  I lived  without  conscious  sin. 
Through  occupying  my  mind  diligently  with  the  high 
ethical  ideals  presented  in  the  New  Testament,  and  living 
continually  in  the  spirit  of  prayer,  I was  able  to  bar  com- 
pletely from  my  life  all  the  movings  of  the  sensual  nature, 
and  all  regard  for  self.  Indeed  I lived  in  this  state  of 
“ entire  sanctification  ” almost  throughout  the  summer  va- 
cation, spending  several  hours  a day  in  religious  exercises. 
I came  into  intimate  relations  with  a Christian  faith- 
curist,  and  felt  it  to  be  my  religious  duty  to  be  anointed 
by  him  for  the  removal  of  my  perverted  nature  and  for 
the  reception  of  the  normal  instincts  of  a man.  For 
over  a month  after  the  anointing,  I persisted  in  the  con- 
fident belief  that  God  had  miraculously  brought  about 


Mourning  Over  Fate. 


69 


the  change  desired,  and  that  I was  now  in  full  possession 
of  the  powers  of  a man.  But  gradually  I had  to  admit 
the  truth  that  no  change  had  taken  place. 

My  return  to  college  in  the  fall  of  1892  was  followed 
by  a decline  from  the  high  spiritual  level  attained  during 
the  summer  vacation,  this  decline  being  especially  marked 
by  periods  of  depression,  during  which  I would  lament  to 
myself  that  I was  practically,  by  birth,  an  outcast  from 
society,  with  a deformed  nature,  and  despicable  in  the 
eyes  of  all  people.  I felt  that  I was  a soft  effeminate 
man  who  was  wanted  nowhere.  At  the  sight  of  other 
young  men  rejoicing  in  their  manly  vigor,  I would  exclaim, 
“ I want  to  die  ! I want  to  die  ! ” 

Moreover,  possible  ways  of  gratifying  my  sensual  de- 
sires began  to  haunt  me.  Occasionally  while  walking  the 
streets,  I was  powerfully  constrained  to  embrace  every 
young  ruffian  I met.  I felt  that  I would  gladly  give  up 
everything  else  in  order  to  pass  the  rest  of  my  days  in 
the  worst  slums  of  the  city  in  the  company  of  the  most 
vicious  and  degraded  of  mankind.  At  the  same  time  I 
often  had  to  sob  violently  while  walking  the  streets  when 
I would  have  a mental  vision  of  myself  given  up  to  a 
life  of  shame  in  the  slums,  after  having  abandoned  all  my 
family  ties  in  order  to  give  free  rein  to  my  carnal  desires. 
Sometimes  I raved  and  wept  like  a mad  man,  and  again 
I feared  I might  become  completely  insane. 

About  this  time  I came  across  two  articles  in  a journal 
of  anthropology  which  treated  of  eunuchs.  I read  that 
there  is  a class  of  abnormal  human  beings  in  India  who 
are  called  “ eunuchs  by  birth.”  The  description  given  of 


70  First  Reading  About  Abnormality. 

their  natures  suited  mine  exactly.  Though  male  in  body 

— as  stated  in  the  article  — they  are  feminine  in  man- 
ners and  tastes,  always  wear  women’s  clothes,  let  their 
hair  grow  long,  and  keep  themselves  clean  shaven.  They 
are  filles  de  joie,  and  are  happy  in  their  lot.  I now  re- 
called that  Bayard  Taylor  and  other  travellers  in  the 
east  vaguely  refer  to  them  in  their  books.  Not  until  now 
did  I know  the  meaning  of  these  references. 

I now  read  also  that  males  with  such  non-masculine  and 
non-virile  natures  are  found  among  the  tribes  of  Amer- 
ican Indians,  by  whom  — according  to  the  author  I read 

— they  are  called  “ squaw-men.”  At  a certain  age,  all 
the  young  males  are  called  upon  to  choose  between  the 
weapons  of  the  warrior  and  the  staff  of  the  squaw.  These 
non-masculine  males  always  choose  the  latter  and  are 
thenceforth  looked  upon  as  squaws,  adopting  the  dress 
and  occupations  of  the  squaw,  and  becoming  married  to  a 
brave.  The  hair  that  grows  on  their  faces  is  plucked  out 
as  soon  as  long  enough  to  get  hold  of. 

I read  further  that  such  a class  of  males  were  found 
among  the  ancient  Greeks,  and  recognized  in  their  true 
character  as  not  belonging  to  the  warrior  and  ruling  sex. 
I now  recalled  that  my  Greek  professor  had  recently  re- 
marked that  Phaedo  had  been  a slave  “ devoted  to  un- 
mentionable uses.” 

The  immediate  effect  of  this  greatly  increased  self- 
knowledge  was  one  of  my  most  violent  fits  of  weeping. 
I felt  that  there  was  nothing  which  could  henceforth  give 
me  interest  in  life.  I felt  so  mortified  at  thinking  that 
I was  a “ man-woman,”  as  such  people  are  called  in  India. 


Second  Nocturnal  Ramble. 


71 


At  this  time  I wrote  in  my  diary : “ People  see  that  I am 

an  effeminate  man ! an  effeminate  man ! And  one  of  my 
sisters  remarked  the  last  time  I was  home  that  she  did 
not  like  effeminate  men!  Who  can  like  them?  Oh  it 

looks  as  if  there  were  no  God  in  the  world ! ” 

******* 

If  the  reader  had  been  on  Mulberry  Street  between 
Grand  and  Broome  on  an  evening  in  November  of  1892, 
he  would  have  seen  meandering  slowly  along  from  one 
side  of  the  street  to  the  other  with  a mincing  gait,  a hag- 
gard, tired-looking,  short  and  slender  youth  between 
eighteen  and  nineteen,  clad  in  shabby  clothes,  and  with  a 
skull  cap  on  his  head.  As  he  walks  along,  whenever  he 
meets  any  robust,  well-built  young  man  of  about  his  own 
age,  who  is  alone,  he  is  seen  to  stop  and  address  to  him 
a few  words.  If  we  had  been  able  to  follow  this  queer- 
acting individual  for  the  previous  hour  before  he  passed 
us  on  Mulberry  street,  we  would  have  seen  him  roaming 
about  through  all  the  streets  of  the  then  dark  and  crim- 
inal 4th  Ward,  occasionally  halting  near  the  groups  of 
ruffians  congregated  in  front  of  the  bar-rooms,  and  then 
failing  of  courage  to  speak,  pass  along. 

Finally  on  the  corner  of  Broome  and  Mulberry  Streets, 
he  addresses  a tall,  muscular,  splendid  specimen  of  the 
adolescent  [subsequently  a member  of  the  New  York 
police  force]  who  continues  in  conversation  with  him,  and 
walks  along  by  his  side.  The  little  adolescent  takes  the 
arm  of  the  big  one  into  his  own,  and  presses  as  closely  as 
possible  against  him.  The  spirits  of  the  little  one  are 
visibly  heightened,  he  appears  more  lively  and  animated, 


72 


The  First  Catch. 


and  walks  along  with  a quicker  but  extremely  nervous 
step.  He  is  soon  seized  with  a sort  of  ague  — due  to  sex- 
ual excitement  — which  causes  his  whole  body  to  shake, 
and  hardly  permits  him  to  speak.  If  we  watched  closely 
whenever  the  pair  passed  under  a shadow,  we  would  have 
seen  the  little  one  throw  his  arms  rapturously  around 
the  neck  of  his  big  companion,  and  kiss  him  passionately. 
They  finally  pass  out  of  sight  down  one  of  the  dark  cov- 
ered alleys  leading  to  tenements  in  the  rear. 

When  after  an  interval  the  pair  again  emerge,  the 
smaller  is  clinging  tighter  than  ever  to  his  big  companion, 
as  if  afraid  he  might  escape.  They  walk  a block  together, 
and  then  the  big  fellow  tries  to  get  rid  of  the  little  one, 
much  against  the  latter’s  wishes.  He  tells  the  little  fellow 
to  go  on  his  way,  but  adds,  “ Come  round  again,  do  yer 
hear?  ” 

“ I don’t  know  whether  I shall  or  not.  I am  afraid  we 
shall  never  meet  again.  How  it  pains  me  to  part  from 
you ! ” 

“ What  do  yer  call  yourself,  and  where  do  yer  hang 
out?  ” 

“ I call  myself  Jennie,  and  I work  in  a restaurant  up 
on  Third  Avenue.  What’s  your  name,  and  where  could 
I find  you  again?  ” 

“ You  kin  find  me  round  on  this  block  any  time.  Just 
ask  any  one  fur  Red  Mike.” 

“ Well,  good-by.  The  Lord  bless  you.  I never  expect 
to  see  you  again,  although  I love  you  with  all  my  heart, 
and  would  like  to  live  with  you  and  be  your  slave.” 

The  two  start  off  in  opposite  directions.  The  little  fel- 


Recourse  to  Medical  Professors.  73 

low  walks  rapidly,  turns  the  first  corner,  sprints,  turns 
another  corner  and  sprints,  and  repeats  this  maneuver 
several  times,  as  if  bent  on  giving  the  slip  to  any  possible 
follower.  He  finally  reaches  the  Bowery  and  takes  a 

train  uptown  from  the  Grand  Street  station. 

******* 

For  several  days  following  I suffered  from  shame  and 
remorse.  In  order,  if  possible,  to  be  cured  of  my  abnor- 
mality, I now  resolved  to  consult  a specialist  in  venereal 
diseases,  because  at  that  time  I believed  my  ailment  came 
under  that  head.  I was  led  to  go  to  Dr.  Prince  A.  Mor- 
row, then  the  leading  specialist  in  that  line  in  New  York 
City,  who  declared  that  either  castration  or  marriage 
would  be  a sure  cure  for  my  abnormal  passion ! How 
many  inverts  have  followed  such  advice  of  a physician, 
and  seeking  a cure  in  marriage,  have  been  plunged  into 
insanity  or  suicide,  either  on  the  eve  of  marriage,  or  soon 
after ! Individuals  like  myself  are  women  mentally. 
How  is  one  woman  to  marry  another,  unless  indeed  one  of 
the  pair  be  a gynander,  when  marriage  de  facto  often 
takes  place.  I could  never  think  of  tying  myself  to  a 
wife  until  I felt  myself  to  be  a man. 

Not  satisfied,  I immediately  consulted  another  medical- 
college  professor,  this  time  an  alienist,  Dr.  Robert  S.  New- 
ton. Both  drugs  and  electrical  stimulation  of  the  brain 
and  spinal  cord  were  tried.  Hypnotism  was  attempted 
unsuccessfully.  During  the  first  month  of  treatment,  I 
excluded  from  my  mind  all  thoughts  of  sexual  admira- 
tion. Then,  though  I continued  to  struggle  against 
them,  they  would  occasionally  be  present  in  the  stream  of 


74 


Early  Appeal  for  Castration. 


thought  for  a few  days,  when  with  a fresh  dedication  of 
myself  to  God  and  to  a life  of  self-renunciation,  I would 
again  completely  banish  them  for  another  half-month. 

After  several  months  treatment,  J was  rendered  almost 
a physical  and  nervous  wreck  by  the  powerful  drugs  ad- 
ministered, but  my  amorous  desires  showed  no  change.  I 
now  repeatedly  appealed  for  castration.  I argued  that 
Nature  had  designed  me  to  be  a fille  de  joie  — the  worst 
fate  possible  as  I then  believed  — and  that  castration 
alone  could  save  me  from  it.  But  the  answer  was  that 
I might  in  later  years  regret  such  a measure.  I had  re- 
cently read  in  a medical  journal  of  a man  similarly  but  not 
identically  afflicted  who  was  placed  in  possession  of  the 
normal  procreative  instinct  through  castration.  During 
these  months  I had  made  diligent  search  at  the  library  of 
the  New  York  Academy  of  Medicine  for  light  on  my  ab- 
normality, and  discovered  a number  of  articles  in  Ameri- 
can and  foreign  journals  bearing  on  it. 

During  this  course  of  treatment  occurred  one  of  the 
crises  of  my  life.  I had  been  appointed  a delegate  to  a 
student’s  missionary  convention  in  another  city,  and  was 
assigned  to  a room  with  a rather  athletic  student  from 
another  college.  The  first  night,  after  he  had  fallen 
asleep,  I left  the  bed  and  lay  on  the  floor,  but  was  driven 
back  by  the  cold.  All  possible  alternatives  were  out  of 
the  question.  Previous  to  that  day,  I had  not  known  how 
I would  have  to  pass  the  night.  The  chances  were  good 
that  I would  be  assigned  to  a room  alone,  or  else  have  an 
unattractive  bed-fellow  inasmuch  as  nine  out  of  ten  re- 
ligious and  studious  adolescents  were  sexually  repulsive, 


Usual  Treatment  of  Inverts. 


75 


although  highly  esteemed  as  friends.  Possibly  I was 
cold  to  them  because  I myself  am  of  a religious  and 
studious  disposition,  as  well  as  deficient  in  physical  stam- 
ina, as  they  also  are  inclined  to  be. 

I lay  awake  the  whole  night,  but  during  the  last  half 
was  in  a sort  of  delirium.  I partially  yielded.  The 
next  morning,  before  several  other  students,  my  bed-fellow 
spoke  sarcastically  of  me,  evidently  intending  to  visit  on 
me  what  he  considered  to  be  deserved  punishment.  I was 
crushed  by  reason  of  shame,  and  they  never  saw  me 
again,  as  I left  by  the  next  train.  At  the  time  I wrote 
in  my  diary : 

“ What  have  I ever  done  that  God  should  make  me 
suffer  so?  I feel  that  my  abnormality  bars  me  out  of 
the  ministry,  the  profession  of  my  choice,  and  most  likely 
out  of  all  other  professions.  I feel  that  this  passion  is 
going  to  wreck  my  life,  and  never  permit  me  to  make  any 
return  to  my  parents  for  all  they  have  done  for  me.  I 
have  no  hope  for  the  future.  In  the  convention,  while  I 
would  be  singing,  I was  in  thought  hacking  my  body  to 
pieces  with  a sword,  or  piercing  my  breast  with  a dagger. 
My  continuous  prayer  was  : 

‘ Father,  Father,  hear  my  humble  cry. 

While  on  others  thou  art  smiling, 

Do  not  pass  me  by ! ’ 

“ The  convention,  to  me,  was  a lesson  in  resignation. 
The  other  young  men  were  divinely  brought  there  to  be 
inspired  with  the  Holy  Spirit,  to  be  instructed  in  regard 
to  missionary  fields  and  methods,  to  be  called  to  preach 


76  Rejected,  by  Providence  from  Ministry. 

the  Gospel  among  those  who  sit  in  darkness ; but  I was 
brought  there  to  learn  the  lesson  of  resignation  in  afflic- 
tion, to  experience  the  crushing  to  the  earth  by  the  mighty 
hand  of  God,  to  be  tried  like  Isaac  to  see  whether  I am 
willing  to  be  morally  slain  in  my  youth  in  a way  which 
seems  inexplicable.  I have  been  preparing  myself  to  be- 
come a foreign  missionary,  having  had  this  career  in  mind 
from  childhood;  but  God  and  Nature  have  undoubtedly 
destined  me  to  be  a [fille  de  joie].  When  a child  of  nine 
or  ten  years,  although  I had  not  learned  that  there  were  in 
the  world  such  persons  as  fallen  women,  I often  aspired 
to  be  a young  woman,  and  to  be  a fallen  one  at  that.  I 
have  resisted  my  fate  with  all  the  powers  of  my  will  and  of 
my  religious  nature,  but  you  cannot  dam  Niagara.” 

Not  long  afterwards  I wrote:  “ Two  ways  open  before 
me : one  of  sensual  gratification,  unrighteousness,  false- 
hood, hypocrisy,  dishonor;  the  other  of  blessing  to  the 
poor  and  the  afflicted,  a life  which  is  holy  and  worthy  of 
the  good  name  given  to  it,  a life  which  promises  to  my 
dear  ones,  on  my  account,  more  of  health,  happiness,  and 
honor.” 

Shortly  after  writing  the  above,  I brought  the  course  of 
medical  treatment  to  an  abrupt  termination.  I would 
have  continued  longer  if  I had  shown  any  improvement.  I 
had  lost  all  faith  in  the  physician’s  ability  to  benefit  me. 
Seeing  that  the  science  of  medicine  held  out  no  hope,  I felt 
more  than  ever  that  I was  irresponsible  for  my  abnormal 
sexual  nature. 

*-  * * * * 

Over  five  months  after  my  previous  visit,  I again  found 
myself  on  Mulberry  Street,  corner  of  Grand.  I have  al- 


Year  1893  — Fairie  Apprenticeship  Begins.  77 

ways  suspected  that  I was  incited  to  this  particular  quest 
by  an  aphrodisiac.  On  or  about  that  day,  my  physician 
administered  a new  drug.  He  probably  hoped  it  would 
incite  me  to  seek  normal  relations,  but  it  acted  along  the 
line  of  my  peculiar  instincts. 

Walking  northward  on  the  west  side  of  the  street,  I en- 
countered a mixed  group  of  Italian  and  Irish  “ sports  ” 
of  foreign  parentage  between  sixteen  and  twenty-one  years 
of  age  seated  or  standing  around  the  portal  of  a ware- 
house. I timidly  addressed  them : “ I am  looking  for  a 

friend  named  Red  Mike.  Do  any  of  you  know  him?” 

One  of  them  replied  that  he  had  just  seen  him  up  the 
street.  Proceeding  in  that  direction,  I stopped  occasion- 
ally to  make  the  same  inquiry  of  other  adolescents.  After 
walking  several  blocks  in  vain,  I returned  to  the  “ gang  ” 
at  the  warehouse’s  portal,  and  asked : “ Do  you  mind  if 

I sit  down  to  rest  here?  I am  tired  and  lonesome.  I have 
not  been  in  the  city  long  and  don’t  know  any  one.” 

“ Where  did  yez  come  from?  ” 

“ Philadelphia.  I couldn’t  get  any  work  there,  so  I 
came  here.” 

It  was  not  long  before  Red  Mike  happened  to  stroll  by 
and  recognized  me  even  before  I did  him.  An  hour  now 
passed,  while  they  smoked  and  drank,  hiding  the  beer-pail 
whenever  a policeman  went  by.  I had  no  desire  to  join 
in  the  drinking  and  smoking,  and  indeed  up  to  my  middle 
forties,  when  this  autobiography  goes  to  press,  have  never 
had  any  desire  to  learn  to  smoke,  although  having  a few 
times  put  the  lighted  cigarette  of  a paramour  in  my 
mouth.  I have  always  considered  myself  too  feminine  to 


78 


An  Evening  with  a“  Gang.” 


smoke.  Moreover,  all  my  life  I have  been  practically  a 
total  abstainer  from  alcoholic  beverages. 

But  I reclined  in  the  arms  of  one  after  another,  covering 
face,  neck,  hands,  arms,  and  clothing  with  kisses,  while 
they  caressed  me  and  called  me  pet-names.  I was  su- 
premely happy.  For  the  first  time  in  my  life  I learned 
about  the  fairie  inmates  of  the  lowest  dives.  They  pro- 
posed to  install  me  in  one.  I told  them  the  story  of  my 
own  life,  only  with  such  variations  from  the  truth  as  were 
necessary  for  my  own  protection.  We  sang  plantation 
songs,  “ Old  Black  Joe,”  “ Uncle  Ned,”  etc.  These  they 
had  learned  from  Bixby’s  “ Home  Songs,”  published  in 
that  very  neighborhood  by  the  well-known  shoe-blacking 
firm  as  an  advertisement.  I sang  with  them  in  the  mock 
soprano  or  falsetto  that  fairies  employ,  trying  to  imitate 
the  voice  of  a woman.  Singing  in  this  voice  was  not  a 
novelty  to  me,  as  I had  previously  at  times  aped  the  war- 
bling of  a woman  instinctively. 

At  the  end  of  an  hour,  we  adjourned  down  an  alley, 
where  the  drinking  and  love-making  continued  even  more 
intensely.  After  I had  refused  their  repeated  solicita- 
tions, one  of  them  grasped  my  throat  tightly  to  prevent 
any  outcry  and  threw  me  down,  while  another  removed 
part  of  my  clothing,  appropriating  whatever  of  value  he 
found  in  my  pockets.  With  my  face  in  the  dust,  and  half- 
suffocated  by  the  one  ruffian’s  tight  grip  on  my  throat,  I 
moaned  and  struggled  with  all  my  might,  because  of  the 
excruciating  pain.  But  in  their  single  thought  to  ex- 
perience an  animal  pleasure,  they  did  not  heed  my  moans 
and  broken  entreaties  to  spare  me  the  suffering  they  were 


At  Age  of  Nineteen. 


79 


inflicting.  For  two  months  afterward  I suffered  pain  at 
every  step  because  of  fissures  and  lacerations  about  the 
anus. 

When  finally  released,  terror-stricken  and  with  only 
half  my  clothing,  I rushed  out  through  the  alley  and 
down  Mulberry  Street,  and  did  not  halt  until  I reached 
what  I considered  a safe  refuge  on  brightly  lighted  Grand 
Street.  Breathless  and  exhausted,  I seated  myself  on  the 
curb.  “ I am  cured  of  my  slumming,”  I said  to  myself. 
“ God’s  will  be  done.  It  is  His  hand  which  has  brought 
this  about,  in  order  to  drive  me  back  to  the  path  of  virtue. 
Truly  the  Lord  ruleth  in  all  things.” 

Because  of  my  exhausted  condition,  I remained  seated 
for  several  minutes.  In  the  meantime,  two  of  my  assail- 
ants had  followed  me  up,  and  expressed  their  regret  that 
one  of  their  number  had  stolen  my  cap  and  coat,  promis- 
ing to  get  them  back,  and  assuring  me  of  their  friendly 
feelings.  “ You  are  only  a baby,”  they  said,  “ and  so  we 
will  fight  for  you  and  protect  you.” 

I was  so  touched  by  their  gallantry,  so  enamoured  of 
them,  and  so  sure  that  the  assault  was  not  committed 
through  malevolence,  that  I accompanied  them  back  to  our 
first  meeting  place  on  the  warehouse  steps.  I still  had 
great  fear  of  violence  at  their  hands  — rape,  not  a beat- 
ing — but  I was  powerfully  drawn  toward  them.  Fellatio 
was  welcome;  paedicatio,  horrible  to  my  moral  sense,  and 
physically,  accompanied  by  excruciating  pain.  The 
“ gang  ” received  me  kindly,  petted  and  soothed  me  as  one 
would  a peevish  baby,  which  I resembled  in  my  actions, 
fretting  and  sobbing  in  happiness  as  I rested  my  head 


80 


Psychical  Infantilism. 


against  their  bodies.  To  lie  in  the  bosom  of  these  sturdy 
young  manual  laborers,  all  of  whom  were  goodlooking  and 
approximately  my  own  age,  was  the  highest  earthly  hap- 
piness I had  yet  tasted.  With  all  my  money  gone,  and 
cap  and  coat  stolen  besides,  I finally  had  to  walk  home,  a 
distance  of  several  miles.  Obtaining  my  keys  in  their  hid- 
ing place,  I succeeded  in  reaching  my  room  without  at- 
tracting attention. 

The  next  day  I wrote  in  my  journal : “ What  a strange 

thing  is  life ! Mephistopheles  last  night  carried  me 
through  one  of  the  experiences  through  which  he  carried 
Faust.  . . . My  carnal  nature  was  aroused  as  never  be- 
fore. I groaned  in  despair.  Never  before  in  all  my  ex- 
perience have  I seen  such  a conflict  between  the  flesh  and 
the  spirit.  . . . How  like  an  animal  is  man ! Thus  God 
has  seen  fit  to  make  him.” 

A few  days  later  I again  wrote : “ My  present  psychi- 

cal state  is  most  strange.  I cannot  yet  repent  of  my  con- 
duct last  Friday  night,  yet  on  the  Sunday  following  I had 
one  of  the  happiest  experiences  of  nearness  to  God  that  I 
ever  had.  That  afternoon  I presented  the  Gospel  in  love 
for  my  Savior  and  for  perishing  souls.  I have  in  my  heart 
an  intense  desire  to  save  from  their  lives  of  sin  those  in 
whose  company  I was  Friday  night,  especially  my  Bill, 
so  young,  and  yet  so  deep  in  sin.  I want  to  rescue  him, 
and  make  of  him  a strong  educated  champion  for  Christ. 
Mv  heart  yearns  to  carry  blessings  and  peace  to  all  those 
who  are  suffering  in  the  slums  of  New  York.” 

In  a letter  received  shortly  afterward  from  a venerable 
doctor  of  divinity  and  former  pastor,  whom  for  years  I 


Verdicts  of  Pastor  and  Alienist. 


81 


made  my  confidant,  he  expressed  his  judgment  of  my  con- 
duct as  follows  : “ I believe  God  will  overlook  in  you  what 

He  would  not  in  others.” 

The  judgment  of  the  alienist,  to  whom  also  I confided 
the  occurrences,  was  approximately  as  follows : “ It  was  a 
physical  impossibility  for  you  to  have  withstood  longer. 
The  only  thing  for  you  to  do  is  to  follow  out  your  instincts 
in  moderation.  If  you  do  not,  you  will  continue  to  be  a 
nervous  wreck,  and  may  even  become  insane.  The  ma- 
jority of  men  can  live  celibate  lives  without  suffering  in 
mind  or  body,  but  you  are  extraordinarily  amorous,  and 
celibacy  with  you  is  out  of  the  question.  Only  don’t  go 
into  the  slums  any  more.  Confide  in  some  stalwart  young 
man  of  your  own  class.  You  run  great  risk  of  being 
killed,  or  at  least  contracting  disease,  in  running  around 
after  strangers  in  the  slums.” 

On  now  making  my  decision  henceforth  to  follow  Na- 
ture’s behests,  I gave  up  the  city  mission  work  I was  en- 
gaged in,  and  also  finally  gave  up  my  purpose  of  entering 
the  Christian  ministry.  The  presentation  of  religious 
truths  spoken  of  above,  on  the  Sunday  following  my  third 
nocturnal  ramble,  was  unavoidable,  unless  I wished  to  dis- 
appoint others  by  failing  to  keep  an  engagement.  I gave 
up  religious  work,  not  because  of  lack  of  religious  faith, 
but  because  I felt  myself  unworthy  and  unfit  by  reason  of 
my  recent  change  in  habits,  and  because  I might  bring 
reproach  on  the  Church. 

I could  not  bring  myself  to  follow  the  physician’s  advice 
to  confide  in  a stalwart  young  man  of  my  own  class.  I 
felt  too  much  ashamed  of  my  abnormality.  So  I formed 


82 


Obedience  to  Nature  a Panacea. 


the  habit  of  visiting  my  Mulberry  Street  friends  once  a 
week,  the  visits  continuing  altogether  for  about  a year. 
I preferred  the  society  of  these  adolescent  roughs  to  that 
of  all  other  human  beings,  and  woe  to  the  friend  of  my 
ordinary  circle  who  should  hinder  or  delay  me  on  the 
evenings  on  which  I had  planned  a visit  to  Mulberry 
Street ! If  necessary  to  get  rid  of  him,  I would  even  insult 
any  friend  who  happened  to  call  at  this  inopportune  time. 
At  first  exceedingly  nervous  for  fear  something  would  in- 
terfere with  my  setting  out,  I became,  when  safe  from 
interruption  after  I had  boarded  the  elevated  train,  bliss- 
fully intoxicated  at  the  thought  of  meeting  my  beaux 
again. 

During  this  period  of  living  one  evening  a week  accord- 
ing to  the  dictates  of  my  peculiar  instincts,  I was  happier 
than  I had  ever  been  before,  notwithstanding  my  suffer- 
ing for  the  first  two  months  from  a continuously  painful 
sphincter  ani.  Recognizing  the  horror  I had  for  paedica- 
tio,  and  not  wishing  to  drive  me  away  from  their  “ gang,” 
particularly  as  my  visits  made  them  on  those  evenings 
what  they  regarded  as  flush  with  money,  none  ever  again 
subjected  me  to  it.  But  the  lacerations  of  the  first  night 
required  two  months  for  healing.  Moreover,  I was  never 
again  robbed  of  my  clothing. 

The  contrast  in  my  own  life  between  total  abstinence 
and  indulgence  one  evening  a week  was  that  the  latter  made 
me  sing  continually  on  the  proper  occasions,  whereas  with 
abstinence,  I had  been  as  continually  weeping  and  moan- 
ing. I felt  that  I had  come  into  possession  of  the  earthly 
summum  bonum,  hitherto  denied  me.  I had  arrived  at  the 


Cementing  an  Androgyne’s  Marriage  Bond.  83 

conviction  that  while  the  voice  of  the  world  would  cry 
“ Shame!  ” I was  acting  according  to  the  dictates  of  rea- 
son and  conscience,  and  not  sinning  against  the  Holy 
Spirit.  Nevertheless  this  conviction  was  occasionally 
shaken  and  I would  be  plunged  into  short  spells  of  melan- 
cholia due  to  remorse  over  my  sensual  practices. 

My  favorite  was  an  American-born  Irish  lad  of  nine- 
teen, since  he  was  both  the  handsomest  and  the  most 
athletic.  Because  he  soon  became  my  “ husband  ” par 
excellence,  I foolishly  thought  I did  wrong  to  deceive  him 
as  to  my  identity,  as  I did  those  who  were  not  so  closely 
related  to  me.  But  before  I revealed  the  facts,  I submit- 
ted the  following  declaration  to  be  sworn  to  on  a Bible: 

“ Do  you  solemnly  swear  that  you  will  always  keep  in- 
violably secret  my  name,  residence,  our  relations,  and  all 
that  I confide  to  you,  not  revealing  any  of  these  things 
to  your  friends  and  pals  without  my  permission?  ” 

Although  strongly  urged,  he  refused  to  be  sworn.  He 
did  not  intend  to  keep  what  he  was  about  to  promise,  and 
so  was  willing  to  give  his  word,  but  too  superstitious  to 
give  his  oath.  He  said  that  any  way  it  was  a Protestant 
Bible,  and  he  would  be  sworn  only  on  a Catholic  Bible ! 
Seeing  that  it  was  hopeless  to  get  him  to  take  his  oath,  I 
reluctantly  accepted  his  word  alone,  and  then  told  him 
nearly  all  the  truth  about  myself.  I now  look  upon  it  as 
almost  an  insane  procedure.  Fortunately,  nothing  ever 
resulted  from  my  disclosures.  Strangely,  although  it 
soon  became  known  to  all  my  associates  of  Mulberry  Street 
that  I was  a college  student  and  came  from  the  best  quarter 
of  the  city,  no  one  ever  attempted  to  follow  me  home 


84 


An  Inner  Circle  of  Associates. 


or  to  blackmail  me.  These  young  men  had  never  heard 
of  this  kind  of  blackmail. 

After  revealing  who  I was,  I solemnly  put  the  follow- 
ing questions,  to  all  of  which  he  answered  in  the  affirma- 
tive, although  never  meaning  to  keep  his  word : 

“ Will  you  place  me  higher  in  your  regard  than  any  of 
your  pals,  seeing  I am  to  you  as  a wife? 

“ Do  you  realize  that  you  and  I are  united  by  a closer 
bond  than  that  which  unites  you  to  your  most  intimate 
chums  and  pals? 

“ Will  you  then  confide  to  me  your  secrets  as  to  no  one 
else  in  the  world,  and  also  share  all  my  secrets? 

“ Will  you  regard  our  association  as  not  merely  for 
sensuous  enjoyment,  but  also  for  close  friendship,  and 
for  mutual  help  in  the  trials  of  life?  ” 

Thus  was  cemented  an  androgyne’s  marriage  bond. 
My  purpose  was  to  draw  him  away  from  his  environment, 
and  bring  him  up  to  my  own  social  level,  but  my  efforts 
met  with  complete  failure. 

Though  having  had  in  my  career  as  a fairie  about  eight 
hundred  intimates,  I have  had  less  than  a score  who  formed 
an  inner  circle  and  whom  I regarded  as  “ husbands  ” par 
excellence.  I only  had  one  of  them  at  a time,  and  our  re- 
lations were  long-continued.  In  the  case  of  nearly  every 
one  of  them,  if  it  had  been  a matter  dependent  on  my  will, 
he  would  have  been  my  life  partner.  But  circumstances 
beyond  my  control  brought  a change  on  an  average  once  a 
year.  As  a fairie,  however,  I was  not  satisfied  with  mon- 
andry. I sometimes  applied  the  term  “ husband  ” play- 
fully to  my  ordinary  intimates. 


A Night  on  Mulberry  Street. 


85 


These  nights  on  Mulberry  Street  or  vicinity  had  a great 
fascination  for  me,  and  in  subsequent  years  continued  to 
have  a fascination.  For  a decade  I occasionally  yearned 
to  be  back  there  with  the  companions  of  these  days  of  my 
fairie  apprenticeship.  With  half  a score  of  adolescents 
and  two  or  three  young  women,  an  evening  would  be  spent 
in  some  humble  two-room  apartment.  Everybody  was  ex- 
ceedingly happy,  and  I perhaps  the  happiest  of  all,  sit- 
ting now  in  one  young  man’s  lap,  and  now  in  that  of  an- 
other. And  how  we  all  did  sing ! The  young  men  petted 
and  babied  me  more  than  they  did  any  of  the  girls,  and 
even  right  before  the  eyes  of  the  girls.  The  latter  were 
not  jealous  of  me,  especially  because  I was  the  one  who 
financed  these  parties.  In  my  actions  I was  far  more  femi- 
nine and  babyish  than  any  of  the  girls,  and  also  far  more 
amorous  and  skilled  in  coquetry.  The  girls  thought  noth- 
ing strange  of  me,  as  the  nature  of  fairies  was  well  known 
to  them.  I wish  it  understood,  however,  that  these  gath- 
erings were  no  more  indecent  than  a children’s  party  in 
the  best  social  stratum.  Even  these  knights  of  Mulberry 
Street  had  their  sense  of  decency.  At  these  home  parties, 
extreme  intimacies  were  allowed  only  in  private.  The 
only  refreshment  was  beer,  the  three-quart  pail  passing 
around  the  room  from  mouth  to  mouth,  and  being  repeat- 
edly sent  out  to  be  refilled.  I alone  did  not  partake,  hav- 
ing, as  already  indicated,  been  brought  up  a total  ab- 
stainer. 

# # * ifc  * 

I have  always  been  indifferent  to  the  vast  majority  of 
men.  I could  sleep  with  them  without  becoming  in  the 


86 


What  Constituted  Attractiveness. 


least  excited.  It  was  necessary  to  be  under  thirty,  ath- 
letic, physically  brave,  smooth-shaven,  and  in  no  way  de- 
formed. On  the  other  hand,  throughout  my  open  career 
of  twelve  years  as  a fairie,  the  proportion  of  men  over 
thirty  years  old  that  sought  intimacy  was  hardly  more 
than  one  per  cent.,  while  ninety-five  per  cent,  were  between 
eighteen  and  twenty-five. 

During  my  apprenticeship  just  described,  however,  I 
was  attracted  only  toward  the  ages  sixteen  to  twenty-five, 
inclusive.  Throughout  this  autobiography,  I use  the  term 
“ adolescent  ” to  denote  men  within  these  age  limits.  Al- 
ways has  it  seemed  to  me  that  men  gradually  grow  less 
masculine  and  less  virile  (in  coitus)  after  passing  twenty- 
five.  They  have  also  appeared  to  me  to  lose  their  good 
looks  soon  after  that  age.  To  me  man  appears  to  grow 
old  and  his  beauty  fade  a decade  earlier  than  woman,  which 
is  just  the  opposite  of  the  normal  man’s  impression. 
When  I was  a boy  of  twelve,  all  males  over  sixteen  ap- 
peared ugly,  and  I had  only  sexual  disgust  for  them. 
But  in  1918,  when  I have  arrived  at  my  middle  forties,  the 
age  of  male  beauty  in  my  eyes  is  confined  between  eighteen 
and  thirty  years. 

I have  always  preferred  the  brunette  to  the  blonde  type, 
although  I myself  am  of  the  former.  For  years  after  my 
fairie  apprenticeship  I seemed  to  be  especially  drawn  to- 
ward young  men  of  Irish  blood.  The  pure  Italian  type 
of  beauty,  however,  appears  to  me  the  highest.  In  my 
own  veins  flows  blood  of  five  different  nationalities  of  west- 
ern Europe,  but  no  Irish  or  Italian.  Perhaps  my  predi- 
lection for  these  two  is  due  to  the  fact  that  they  consti- 


Sexual  Preferences. 


87 


tuted  exclusively  my  associates  during  my  apprenticeship. 

Large  frame  counted  for'a  great  deal,  as  also  large  and 
well-developed  membra  virilia.  Variety  exists  as  much  in 
the  latter  respect  as  in  respect  to  frame.  There  is  often 
an  inverse  proportion  between  the  two. 

I much  preferred  the  rough  to  the  gentleman,  and  the 
profane  boozing  libertine  to  the  morally  upright.  I have 
always  been  strongly  attracted  by  disregard  for  personal 
danger.  When  reading  accounts  of  exploration  and  ad- 
venture, I have  sometimes  fallen  in  love  with  the  adven- 
turer. For  example,  I fell  in  love  with  a noted  Arctic  ex- 
plorer while  reading  his  book,  as  well  as  with  the  kayak- 
men  whose  courageous  deeds  he  describes.  To  me  tattoo- 
ing has  always  been  the  mark  of  supreme  masculinity.  It 
was  a habit  with  me  to  seek  for  it  on  my  beaux,  and  if 
found,  I would  rave  over  it,  osculate  it,  kneel  before  the 
young  blood  in  adoration,  and  call  him  all  the  glorious 
idealizing  names  I could  think  of.  That  one  of  my  eight 
hundred  beaux  with  whom  I would  have  chosen  to  live  out 
my  life  in  daily  comradeship  was  by  far  the  most  tattooed 
of  all,  and  he  did  actually  live  with  me  for  several  months 
when  I was  forty  years  of  age,  besides  being  my  “ adopted 
son  ” for  nine  years.  But  it  was  not  the  tattooing  alone 
that  attracted  me.  In  practically  every  manly  charm,  he 
stood  supreme. 

After  an  hour  or  so  spent  with  a companion,  it  was 
painful  to  say  good-by,  and  I generally  hoped  for  another 
meeting.  But  subsequently  to  my  apprenticeship  just  de- 
scribed, I generally  had  the  same  companion  only  once,  or 
at  most  several  times,  as  it  was  a long  time,  if  ever,  before 


88 


Polyandry  Versus  Monandry. 


we  saw  one  another  again.  I usually  felt  for  my  com- 
panions a non-sensual  wifely  love  in  addition  to  the  mere 
sexual  attraction,  which  wifely  love  was  transformed  into 
a parental  love  after  I had  reached  my  middle  thirties  and 
my  associates  were  ten  or  more  years  younger  than  myself. 
Throughout  my  life  as  a fairie,  I always  longed  to  have  a 
young  man  live  with  me  as  my  husband.  If  this  had  been 
practicable,  monandry  would  possibly  have  been  sufficient, 
as  it  proved  to  be  in  my  early  forties.  But  until  long 
after  the  close  of  my  open  career,  I was  reluctant  to 
reveal  my  identity,  and  was  also  deterred  by  the  fear  of 
blackmail. 

At  my  middle  forties,  however,  I am  of  the  opinion  that 
in  the  case  of  inverts,  promiscuity  is  preferable  to  monan- 
dry for  the  welfare  of  the  human  race,  the  invert’s  asso- 
ciates individually,  and  the  naturally  polyandrous  invert 
himself.  Promiscuity  does  not  affect  the  increase  of  the 
race,  whereas  monandry  might  by  interfering  with  the 
young  man’s  ultimately  marrying  a woman.  Practically 
all  the  invert’s  intimates  do  this  ultimately,  and  raise  a 
family.  It  appears  to  be  the  natural  function  of  the  in- 
vert to  minister  to  the  ultra-virile  until  they  reach  mar- 
riageable age  according  to  present-day  standards.  These 
relations  merely  supplant  solitary  onanism  on  the  part  of 
the  virile,  or  else  extra-marital  relations  with  a young 
member  of  the  gentle  sex. 

In  my  extensive  experience,  I have  come  across  nothing 
to  support  the  a priori  view  of  some  medical  men  that  the 
adolescent  tends  to  become  a pervert,  losing  his  normal 
instinct  in  whole  or  in  part.  My  intimates  of  early  child- 


Fellatio  Efficiendi. 


89 


hood  grew  up  to  be  fathers.  None  of  my  beaux  of  my 
apprenticeship  just  described  — the  only  period  of  my 
adult  career  when  I went  repeatedly  with  the  same  ones 
— ever  gave  evidence  of  any  growing  coldness  toward  the 
gentle  sex.  Dozens  of  experiences  that  they  individually 
had  were  without  any  such  effect.  Why  should  fellatio 
have  such  a tendency  any  more  than  occasional  solitary 
onanism,  to  which  practically  all  ultra-virile  adolescents 
are  subject?  That  this  tendency  is  at  most  only  a very 
remote  possibility  is  indicated  by  the  fact  that  the  young 
man  who  was  my  “ adopted  son  ” for  nine  years  was  as 
much  of  a Don  Juan  at  the  end  as  at  the  beginning. 

Secondly,  invert  promiscuity  is  to  the  interest  of  the 
young  man  because  it  would  be  cruel  and  unnatural  to  ask 
any  one  to  remain  permanently  in  the  relation,  and  the 
promiscuity  in  question  would  obviate  practically  all  risk 
of  his  ever  becoming  a pervert,  if  there  be  such  risk. 

Associates  have  told  me  that  in  coitus  I was  the  most 
violently  excited  of  any  one  they  ever  saw,  and  manifested 
the  intensest  feeling  ( i.e .,  mental).  A few  have  said  that 
they  preferred  fellatio  with  me  to  the  normal  with  a phys- 
ical girl,  while  many  have  said  whether  the  latter  or  a 
fairie  was  indifferent.  Up  to  my  early  thirties,  they  al- 
ways regarded  me  as  a girl  and  used  the  feminine  pronoun. 

My  original  and  fundamental  method  was  active  fella- 
tio, the  identical  act  of  an  infant  ad  matrem,  quoad  fuit 
emissio  in  comite,  who  would  lie  absolutely  inactive.  Time 
from  a second  to  over  an  hour.  Average  time,  about  five 
minutes.  In  a very  few,  there  was  no  result.  If  it  had 
not  been  for  the  extreme  weakening  effect  I would  have  been 


90 


Fellatio  Patiendi. 


glad  to  lie  inactive  for  an  hour  preceding  and  for  another 
hour  following,  merely  cum  membro  virili  in  ore.  Gen- 
erally cruria  involvebant  corpus  meum,  and  I desired  that 
premeret  me  cum  iis  aliquando.  I would  occasionally  emit 
infantile  vocables ; for  example,  half-sobbing,  or  the  nat- 
ural language  expressive  of  satisfaction  and  contentment. 
At  other  times  I would  express  my  admiration  in  a rather 
babyish  manner : “ Big,  big,  fierce  fighter ! Big,  big  des- 

perado ! ” He  would  stroke  my  hair  or  face  or  pat  me 
on  the  back,  and  say,  “ Poor  baby  ! ” “ My  cry-baby 1 ” 

“ Pet ! ” etc. 

All  other  methods  were  taught  me,  for  example,  passive 
fellatio,  which  occurred  at  least  as  often  as  active  because 
my  companion  preferred  it,  while  I preferred  the  active. 
In  the  passive,  I was  completely  so,  and  would  often  lie 
flat  on  my  back.  He  would  conduct  himself  the  same  as 
in  normal  coitus,  often  cum  manibus  conjunctis  post  caput 
meum,  quoad  habuit  emissionem.  During  this  action  on 
the  part  of  the  majority,  I suffered  the  greatest  physical 
discomfort  and  saepe  strangulatus  sum.  Dorsum  oris 
has  been  often  rendered  sore,  and  the  uvula  was  elongated, 
necessitating  truncation  because  the  elongation  caused  a 
chronic  cough.  I know  of  another  invert  who  had  to 
undergo  the  same  operation.  But  I counted  it  happiness 
to  suffer  thus  and  endure  pain  when  inflicted  by  a strong, 
brave,  and  rough  young  blood. 

I say  to  readers  who  judge  me  to  be  horribly  depraved 
for  submitting  to  such  usage : Nature  created  me  puellam 
sine  vagina,  and  then  drew  me  toward  the  sturdy  sex  as 
few  of  the  gentle  sex  are  drawn.  In  such  a case,  what  is 


Nature  of  the  Satisfaction. 


91 


more  natural  than  to  use  the  next  best  foramen?  Fur- 
thermore, instinct  pointed  out  the  makeshift.  It  came 
just  as  natural  for  me  utor  ore  as  for  physical  women  to 
use  what  Nature  has  provided  them.  In  general,  all 
through  my  life,  whenever  I have  encountered  virum  who 
appeared  to  me  as  exceptionally  beautiful,  a strong  desire 
has  immediately  arisen  membrum  virile  in  ore  recipere. 
There  are  inverts  guilty  of  such  practices  who  in  all  other 
respects  are  exemplars  of  the  highest  morality.  They 
even  sometimes  occupy  the  highest  social  station.  They 
are  blameless,  and  simply  to  be  pitied. 

Sometimes  there  was  an  alternation  between  the  two 
methods,  or  both  were  adopted  simultaneously.  In  the 
active,  I did  not  have  a fixed  purpose  inducendi  ejacula- 
tionem  in  comite,  neque  desideravi  semen.  It  was  the  mere 
act  sugere  that  was  my  objective,  and  that  gave  me  a 
sense  of  restful  satisfaction.  Nevertheless  I practically 
semper  devorabam.  For  days  afterward  it  was  a pleasure 
to  reflect  that  what  had  once  been  the  substance  amatis- 
simi  was  now  my  substance,  and  that  the  particles  of  mat- 
ter that  were  once  carried  along  in  his  veins,  now  floated 
in  mine.  In  many  cases  I yearned  to  become  the  mother 
of  his  child,  and  often  playfully  spoke  with  an  associate 
as  if  I had.  Sometimes  on  meeting  a young  mother  with 
her  infant  in  her  arms,  I have  wished  to  be  in  her  place. 

While  lying  cum  membro  virili  in  ore,  I often  feigned 
sleep,  experiencing  a sort  of  blissful  dreaming,  realizing 
that  I was  for  a short  season  physically  united  to  my  men- 
tal and  physical  complement  and  opposite  from  whom  fate 
and  necessity  separated  me  most  of  the  time. 


92 


Fellatio  Not  Rare. 


Even  before  castration,  rarely  expertus  sum  ejacula- 
tionem.  During  ray  fairie  apprenticeship,  however,  it  oc- 
curred about  once  in  ten  fellationes.  But  it  was  accom- 
panied by  such  horrible  feelings  and  thoughts  that  I used 
my  will  power  to  prevent  it.  This  probably  made  it  be- 
come less  and  less  common  during  coitus,  although  from 
the  age  of  sixteen  until  I was  castrated  at  the  age  of 
twenty-eight,  it  averaged  twice  a week  during  sleep. 
When  it  occurred  during  coitus,  I wanted  everything  to 
stop  immediately,  and  felt  like  never  again  indulging 
therein.  From  the  age  of  nineteen  on,  however,  it  was  not 
quite  so  terrible  as  in  my  early  teens.  Paedicatio  nun- 
quam  induxit  ejaculationem  in  me,  and  under  force,  not 
even  an  orgasm. 

Fellatio  appears  to  be  deeply  rooted  in  the  constitution 
of  man  and  of  the  mammals  in  general,  although  usually 
coming  to  the  surface  only  in  exceptional  individuals  or 
under  exceptional  circumstances.  It  has  been  witnessed 
between  dogs  on  the  street  and  between  monkeys  in  zoos. 
Guinea  sows,  when  the  boar  is  disinclined  to  coitus,  re- 
peatedly resort  to  a sort  of  fellatio,  which  appears  to  give 
the  boar  pleasure.  Fellatio  is  common  in  the  underworld 
between  the  two  sexes.  In  a 1915  issue  of  the  Alienist  and 
Neurologist,  a writer  maintained  that  fellatio  is  common 
among  ordinary  respectable  married  pairs. 

My  peculiar  instinct  was  the  occasion  recipiendi  in  stom- 
achum  in  tantum  novem  portiones  liquoris  vitae  in  one 
evening.  There  was  never  any  tonic  or  other  beneficial 
effect.  The  apparent  effect  is  an  immediate  disagreeable 
stimulation,  followed  the  next  day  by  a serious  mental  and 


Liquor  Vitce  as  Medicament. 


93 


physical  collapse.  This  depression  was,  however,  not 
specially  serious  during  my  first  two  or  three  years  of 
promiscuity.  Possibly  later  my  constitution  had  become 
somewhat  undermined  and  coitus  therefore  became  more 
fatiguing.  The  collapse  was  particularly  severe  after  I 
was  castrated  at  the  age  of  twenty-eight.  Cultured  in- 
verts of  strong  passions  realize  the  detriment  to  their 
health  from  coitus,  yet  they  feel  that  it  is  the  summum 
bonum  for  which  everything  else  should  be  sacrificed. 
My  own  fascination  for  the  rough  and  wild-natured  was 
so  great  that  for  a decade  I could  not  let  slip  a single 
opportunity. 

Sometimes  for  several  days  following  fellatio,  I would 
suffer  from  a slight  fever  and  all  my  organs  and  muscles 
would  seem  to  be  used  up,  as  if  I was  just  about  to  expire 
from  exhaustion.  I would  be  very  irritable,  and  nothing 
seemed  to  go  as  it  should.  My  brain  was  particularly 
affected,  and  during  the  latter  half  of  my  open  career  as 
a fairie,  I would  be  incapable  of  doing  good  mental  work 
for  two  or  three  days  following  an  indulgence.  My 
judgment  and  critical  faculties  were  clouded,  and  I could 
do  only  such  work  as  was  mechanical  in  its  nature. 
Providence  endowed  me  with  powers  of  mind  such  as  are 
met  with  in  approximately  one  alone  out  of  two  score 
university  graduates.  In  life  I have  achieved  about  the 
average  success  of  a university  graduate.  I have  every 
reason  to  believe  that  if  it  had  not  been  for  my  suffering 
for  twelve  years  from  acute  spermatorrhea,  and  if  I had 
been  able  to  abstain  wholly  from  coitus,  I would  have 
reached  the  front  rank  among  university  men.  I there- 


94 


Author’s  Chronic  Hypercesthesia. 


fore  exhort  young  intellectual  inverts  to  be  continent  as 
far  as  possible.  For  every  indulgence,  a heavy  penalty 
must  be  paid  in  diminished  efficiency.  For  each  minute 
of  bodily  contact  with  a counterpart  that  I have  enjoyed, 
I have  had  to  pay  one  hour  of  resultant  serious  suffering, 
physical  or  mental. 

My  mind  and  body  have,  however,  always  been  hyper- 
sensitive to  all  stimuli  and  impressions.  A few  swallows 
of  tea  or  coffee  after  one  p.  m.  would  make  me  lie  awake 
half  the  night.  A slightly  tainted  article  of  food  which 
would  have  no  effect  on  most  people  would  prostrate  me 
mentally  and  physically  for  hours  afterward.  A business 
worry  would  cause  me  to  lie  awake  for  hours.  When 
spending  the  night  in  bed  with  one  to  whom  I was  at- 
tracted, I generally  lay  awake  the  whole  night,  and  for 
this  reason,  I usually  sought  a separate  place  to  sleep  in. 

But  all  these  bad  effects  following  fellatio  I have  some- 
times fancied  might  be  due  rather  to  the  mere  presence  of 
membri  virilis  in  ore  and  in  juxtaposition  to  the  brain. 
The  debilitating  effects  of  coitus  inter  femora  or  of 
paedicatio  were  not  one-quarter  as  marked  as  those  of 
fellatio.  Moreover,  perhaps  the  ill  effects  of  departures 
from  the  entirely  normal  form  of  coitus  are  roughly  pro- 
portional to  the  extent  of  departure.  Fellatio  is  further 
removed  from  normal  coitus  than  inter  femora  or  paedi- 
catio. On  a few  occasions,  as  an  experiment,  exspui 
semen,  but  it  seemed  to  make  no  difference  in  the  after- 
effects. Quite  probably  the  bad  effects  were  due  to  a 
relapse  after  intense  nervous  excitement,  which  in  my  case 
always  accompanied  fellatio,  but  not  paedicatio,  which 


Alleviating  III  Effects  — Inter  Femora.  95 

latter  I never  sought.  Or  it  might  have  been  largely  due 
to  my  habitual  inhibition  of  the  ejaculatory  center.  I 
now  believe  that  I made  a mistake  in  respect  to  this  inhi- 
bition, and  that  it  is  more  healthful  to  experience  the 
ejaculation  than  to  check  it  by  force  of  will. 

Not  until  I reached  the  age  of  thirty-nine  did  I,  by 
chance,  discover  a means  to  alleviate  decidedly  the  ex- 
hausting effects  of  fellatio.  I had  used  potassium  iodide 
extensively  in  tablet  form  dissolved  in  water  for  syphilis. 
I discovered  it  to  be  for  me  an  excellent  sedative  and 
soporific,  and  occasionally  used  it  to  secure  this  effect 
alone.  I further  discovered  that  fifteen  to  twenty  grains 
taken  at  night  after  fellatio  almost  entirely  forestalled 
the  exhaustion  otherwise  supervening  on  the  following 
days.  Experience  further  taught  me  at  about  the  age 
of  thirty-nine  that  the  supervening  exhaustion  was  in 
large  measure  forestalled  by  eating  a light  lunch  several 
minutes  before  fellatio,  and  a hearty  meal  as  soon  after- 
wards as  possible.  Fellatio  occurring  just  before  rising 
in  the  morning  was  found  to  induce  far  less  fatigue  than 
when  occurring  in  the  evening,  or  at  night  just  before 
going  to  sleep. 

On  rare  occasions  — about  one  hundred  out  of  sixteen 
hundred  — we  adopted  the  normal  position,  cum  peni 
ejus  inter  femora  mea.  I was  entirely  passive.  It  was 
necessary  for  me  ponere  femur  unum  transversum  altero 
in  order  to  form  a foramen  strictum.  Sometimes  I re- 
quested this  pose,  and  sometimes  my  companion.  This 
was  the  nearest  to  normal  coitus.  I was  curious  to  see 


96 


Pcedicatio. 


how  mj  companion  would  conduct  himself  with  a genuine 
fille. 

Only  when  I could  not  avoid  it,  either  because  of  force  or 
because  of  insistent  entreaty  on  the  part  of  a kind  com- 
panion, paedicatio  took  place.  I would  sometimes  be 
beaten  into  submission,  and  knives  would  be  drawn  on  me 
by  the  most  desperate  ruffians  of  the  slums.  Anus 
evidenter  attrahit  a very  small  percentage  of  men,  just 
as  the  pudenda  does  the  normal  individual.  Tangebant 
atque  dicebant,  “ Anus  pulcher.”  My  intense  moral  hor- 
ror of  paedicatio  experienced  at  the  beginning  of  my 
fairie  days  gradually  declined.  I later  enjoyed  it  some- 
what only  because  I enjoyed  witnessing  all  kinds  of  amor- 
ous conduct  on  the  part  of  ultra-virile  young  men.  I 
had  a craze  to  see  them  sexually  excited,  and  to  see  the 
means  they  instinctively  took  to  appease  their  ai’dor. 
The  pain  to  me  was  generally  excruciating  — ad  magni- 
tudinem  priapi  — and  has  sometimes  rendered  walking 
painful  for  months  together.  It  also  occasionally 
brought  on  hemorrhoids  of  brief  duration,  but  so  painful 
as  to  render  walking  almost  impossible.  It  is  attended 
with  much  risk  to  the  pathic.  I know  of  two  who  were 
compelled  to  undergo  serious  operations  as  a result  of 
repeatedly  permitting  it,  one  of  whom  in  his  early  forties 
was  invalided  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  In  my  own  case, 
paedicatio  occurred  only  about  fifty  times  out  of  sixteen 
hundred  instances  of  coitus. 

Up  to  the  age  of  thirty,  two  years  after  castration,  I 
was  seemingly  never  satisfied.  I have  expressed  to  a 
group  of  companions  the  wish  to  die  through  them  as 


Manustupration  — Nature  of  Satisfaction.  97 

did  the  Levite’s  concubine  at  Gibeah,  as  related  in  the 
Book  of  Judges.  In  the  subsequent  physical  and  mental 
collapse,  I received  comfort  from  the  consciousness  that 
it  was  the  result  of  devotion  to  adored  beings. 

When  spasmus  in  my  companion  was  impossible  other- 
wise, I would  resort  to  manustupration.  My  companions 
preferred  me  to  do  this  rather  than  do  it  themselves. 
Only  twice  in  all  my  career  did  my  companion  do  it  to 
me,  much  against  my  wishes.  I have  always  had  a horror 
of  this  experience,  including  solitary  onanism. 

Except  for  these  two  instances,  and  one  instance  when 
a companion  to  my  disgust  attempted  fellatio,  my 
pudenda  never  had  any  part  in  coitus,  and  I always 
wished  I was  rid  of  them.  No  method  ever  brought  me 
any  kind  of  local  physical  pleasure.  That  is,  I am  entirely 
devoid  of  any  erogenous  center.  Companions  have  re- 
marked that  sensus  gratissimus  suffunderet  corpus  totum. 
I never  experienced  anything  of  the  kind  in  the  least  de- 
gree. With  me  the  satisfaction  was  practically  all 
mental.  I found  it  exclusively  in  the  body  of  my  asso- 
ciate, not  at  all  in  my  own.  I was  satisfied  with  the 
realization  that  I was  instrumental  in  efficiendo  ei  volup- 
tatem  acutam.  I had  my  pleasure  in  seeing  his  vita 
sexualis  strongly  aroused  and  in  witnessing  the  mani- 
festations of  the  procreative  instinct  in  him,  e.g.,  his 
me  cogendum,  detrahendum  mihi  vestem,  ejus  appetitionem 
propellendi,  anhelandum,  etc.  I was  happy  in  the  thought 
that  I was  being  received  tanquam  uxorem  by  a hand- 
some high-spirited  adolescent.  He  called  me  uxorem,  and 
I called  him.  maritum.  There  was  also  a life-long  satis- 


98 


Sadism. 


faction  in  the  remembrance  that  I had  possessed  him  in 
amplexu  sexuali.  To  mimic  the  baby  and  the  woman 
in  his  presence  was  a rare  pleasure.  Up  to  my  early 
thirties,  in  all  my  conduct  with  him,  I was  more  feminine 
than  any  woman  and  as  babyish  as  a three-year  old.  Sex- 
ually I have  never  grown  out  of  babyhood. 

I liked  to  be  regarded  as  the  slave.  In  the  “ Enslaving 
Ceremony,”  I lay  prostrate  on  the  floor,  my  companion 
towered  above,  placed  his  foot  on  my  head,  and  pro- 
nounced me  his  slave.  I have  always  felt  that  a woman 
should  adore  her  husband  so  much  as  to  delight  in  being 
treated  as  a slave,  and  to  suffer  gladly  any  abuse  by  her 
lord. 

In  the  “ Ceremony  of  Adoration,”  my  companion  stood 
upright,  I prostrated  myself,  clasped  his  legs,  pressed 
my  lips  against  his  feet,  recited  all  the  heroic  qualities 
which  enslaved  me  to  him,  and  cried  out  over  and  over 
again  my  love  and  adoration  for  him.  Associates  have 
said  they  only  hoped  they  would  ultimately  secure  a wife 
who  would  adore  them  as  I. 

I sometimes  found  pleasure  in  my  companion  being 
vexed  with  me  and  striking  me.  I would  playfully  slap 
him  until  he  was  provoked  to  give  me  a blow  meant 
seriously.  With  heartless  associates  who  were  bent 
merely  on  the  pleasure  spasmi  and  would  choke  and  other- 
wise maltreat  me  into  submission  to  paedicatio,  I often 
enjoyed  being  thus  forced.  Occasionally  I even  insisted 
that  friendly  ones  rapere  for  the  pleasure  of  struggling 
to  get  away  and  feeling  their  conquering  strength. 

There  was  a great  difference  in  respect  to  the  extent 
to  which  they  responded.  Some  would  not  allow  oscu- 


Farewell  to  Mulberry  Street. 


99 


lation  above  the  waist  and  only  desired  spasmum.  From 
this  coldness  there  were  all  grades  up  to  the  associates 
who  would  kiss  and  hug  me,  and  even  let  me  protrudere 
linguam  in  os  ejus,  atque  vice  versa. 

Although  a girl  only  in  mind,  though  to  some  extent 
in  body,  this  deficiency  seemed  not  to  detract  from  my 
success  in  the  vocation  of  a fille  de  joie.  Few  filles  have 
had  a clientele  the  equal  of  mine  in  youthfulness,  beauty, 
and  virility.  Providence  compensated  me  for  my  years 
of  grief  over  being  an  invert  by  throwing  in  my  way  this 
exceptional  clientele.  My  enterprise  in  seeking  conquests 
was  that  usually  found  in  the  male,  and  rarely  in  the 
female. 

Practically  all  my  companions  have  remained  perma- 
nently a part  of  me.  Now  and  then  through  life  when 
the  memory  of  a particular  one  arises,  it  has  been  ac- 
companied by  regret  at  the  thought  of  our  eternal  sep- 
aration, and  by  the  consciousness  that  I was  offering  him 
an  eternal  worship  of  which  he  could  never  know.  From 
my  late  twenties  on,  I impressed  it  upon  my  ever  changing 
companions  that  I offered  them  an  eternal  worship,  and 
that  down  through  life,  when  we  must  be  forever  sep- 
arated, they  should  think  of  me  as  still  offering  them  my 
adoration. 

******* 

I am  now  going  to  recount  how  I happened  to  aban- 
don Mulberry  Street  as  my  “ stamping  ground  ” when  I 
had  so  many  accommodating  friends  there.  On  account 
of  a nervous  breakdown,  due  partly  to  overstudy,  partly 
to  debauchery,  but  chiefly  to  emissions  during  sleep  which 
had  afflicted  me  twice  a week  since  the  age  of  sixteen, 


100 


Close  of  Junior  Year. 


I was  unable  to  stay  out  my  junior  year  in  college  and 
left  the  city  the  middle  of  May.  I was  to  spend  my 
last  evening  with  my  “ husband  ” par  excellence  at  a 
theatre.  I was  to  meet  him  at  seven  o’clock  on  a Broad- 
way corner  several  blocks  from  his  usual  haunts.  Since 
I did  not  expect  to  be  with  him  where  he  could  help  him- 
self to  my  belongings,  and  also  since  I had  to  leave  my 
residence  before  dark,  instead  of  putting  on  cast-off 
clothing  as  usual  on  my  visits  to  the  foreign-born  quar- 
ters, I clad  myself  in  my  best  and  wore  a gold  ring  and 
watch  and  chain. 

But  he  did  not  come,  though  I waited  a half-hour  in 
anguish.  It  was  only  five  minutes’  walk  from  his  usual 
haunts,  but  clad  as  I was,  I was  afraid  to  seek  him  there. 
Finally  two  Italian  bootblacks  happened  to  pass.  Even 
the  boys  of  that  part  of  Mulberry  Street  knew  me.  I 
however  never  had  anything  to  do  with  them,  not  being 
attracted  toward  those  immature  sexually.  Even  my 
companions  would  always  drive  away  boys  who  sought 
to  stand  around  our  group.  The  bootblacks  now  called 
out:  “Hello  Jennie!  Where  yer  goin’  all  dressed  up?” 

I sent  a message  by  them,  and  waited  still  another  half- 
hour.  Of  all  things  in  the  world,  I wanted  at  that  mo- 
ment a sight  of  my  idol.  Though  realizing  the  risk  I 
was  running,  I decided  that  I must  go  nearer  to  his  usual 
haunts.  I walked  to  the  corner  of  Mulberry.  I said 
to  myself  that  I would  not  venture  any  farther.  I would 
wait  on  this  corner  until  he  happened  to  pass,  since  it 
was  on  his  route  home.  I considered  myself  safe  since 
the  street  was  well  lighted  and  there  were  numerous  pedes- 
trians. 

r 


In  the  Slums  in  My  Best. 


101 


After  waiting  here  also  a half-hour  in  vain,  I became 
hysterical,  wept,  wrung  my  hands,  and  gave  utterance 
to  suppressed  shrieks.  I finally  decided  the  only  thing 
to  do  was  to  walk  up  Mulberry  Street.  About  the  middle 
of  the  block,  I happened  to  find  him  seated,  as  usual,  in 
a group  of  my  beaux.  They  all  made  exclamations  of 
surprise  and  pleasure  when  they  caught  sight  of  me.  It 
was  my  first  and  only  appearance  there  dressed  up.  My 
mate  called  out : “ Hello  pretty  little  girl ! ” 

“ Hello  big,  brave,  bouncing  boy ! ” 

The}'  immediately  pulled  me  down  to  a seat  among 
them  and  several  hands  were  stuck  into  my  pockets.  I 
had  tucked  my  bills  away  in  the  waistband  of  my  trousers. 
The  street  was  alive  with  recent  Italian  immigrants,  and 
I might  have  saved  my  coin  by  raising  an  alarm,  but  of 
course  did  not  choose  to.  On  every  visit  here  I had  my 
pockets  rifled,  and  did  not  mind  the  loss  of  the  coin. 

My  mate  sought  to  be  as  captivating  as  possible,  and 
put  me  in  a state  of  perfect  happiness.  Before  long 
he  asked  me  to  sleep  with  him  and  a pal  that  night.  All 
this  time,  among  this  group  of  young  bloods,  there  was 
but  one  female,  only  sixteen  years  of  age,  whose  home  was 
on  this  block.  It  was  decided  that  we  should  spend  the 
night  in  her  rooms.  Accompanied  by  the  two  ruffians 
and  the  young  woman,  I thus  finally  sauntered  down  a 
pitch-dark  alley  and  descended  some  steps  to  the  base- 
ment of  a ramshackle  rear  tenement,  occupied  entirely 
by  illiterate  Italians  recently  immigrated.  I revolted  at 
what  I saw  and  smelt,  but  on  this  and  other  occasions 
was  drawn  by  sexual  attraction  into  pestilential  places 


102  In  the  Lair  of  a Strumpet. 

where  nothing  else  would  have  induced  me  to  remain  a 
minute. 

When  the  lamp  was  lighted,  I found  myself  in  a suite 
of  two  dilapidated  rooms,  scantily  and  poorly  furnished. 
On  a century-old  bedstead  rested  a dirty  mattress  filled 
with  straw,  and  no  pillows  or  bed-linen.  Benefiting  by 
my  money,  my  associates  drank  to  excess  as  the  evening 
wore  away,  while  I found  my  pleasure  in  the  usual  man- 
ner. Toward  midnight,  after  the  two  ruffians  had  be- 
come half-intoxicated,  my  mate  placed  the  muzzle  of  a 
revolver,  which  the  young  woman  kept  for  self-defence, 
against  my  head,  saying  he  would  blow  my  brains  out  if 
I got  him  into  any  trouble.  Because  of  the  maudlin 
condition  of  the  two  young  men,  and  because  I had  some- 
thing on  me  that  they  might  consider  worth  committing 
a grave  crime  for,  I now  half  expected  never  to  leave  the 
place  alive,  and  repeatedly  breathed  a prayer  that  no 
serious  harm  might  be  permitted  to  befall  me.  I now 
let  them  dispossess  me  of  the  balance  of  my  bills  and 
my  other  valuables  in  dismay  and  without  the  slightest 
protest,  for  fear  of  angering  them. 

Finally,  in  order  to  frighten  me  further  from  making 
complaint  to  the  police,  one  of  the  ruffians  asked  the  other 
whether  they  should  put  a bullet  through  my  head  or  turn 
me  over  to  the  police  because  of  my  peculiar  addiction. 
Thoroughly  frightened,  I implored  them  to  let  me  go 
home.  After  some  deliberation,  designed  to  show  how 
they  had  me  in  their  power,  including  the  assurance  that 
I had  that  night  rendered  myself  liable  to  a long  term 
of  imprisonment  — ignorant  men  always  thinking  only 


Yearning  for  Feminine  Apparel.  103 

the  androgyne  is  amenable  to  the  law  — they  finally  de- 
cided to  let  me  go  if  I ran  away  from  the  neighborhood 
as  fast  as  my  legs  would  carry  me.  The  three  of  them 
escorted  me  to  the  mouth  of  the  alley,  and  the  last  words 
I caught  were : “ Run  faster ! Run  faster ! ” 

******* 

While  in  college  I shrunk  from  the  required  gymnasium 
exercises.  I felt  that  they  were  proper  for  young  men, 
but  my  feminine  nature  made  me  exceedingly  shy  while 
in  line  in  the  drill.  In  the  gymnasium  dressing-room  I 
would  enjoy  seeing  the  naked  forms,  but  concealed  my  own. 
If  military  drill  had  been  required,  as  is  the  case  in  some 
universities  in  1918,  it  would  have  caused  me  to  omit  a 
university  education. 

Beginning  about  this  time,  my  twenty-first  year,  and 
continuing  down  to  the  date  when  this  book  goes  to  press,  I 
have  commonly  worn  in  my  home  an  ornamental  bath- 
robe, just  like  a woman’s  dress.  Clad  in  it,  I have  gazed 
at  my  reflection  in  the  mirror,  imagining  I was  a woman. 
Walking  in  it  to  and  fro  and  up  and  down  the  stairs, 
I have  taken  pleasure  in  hearing  it  rustle  like  a woman’s 
dress,  in  feeling  it  strike  against  my  legs,  and  in  holding 
it  up  when  ascending  the  stairs,  as  a woman  her  skirts. 
In  my  college  days,  while  home  for  week-ends,  I would 
occasionally,  when  alone,  put  on  a sister’s  hat  and  gaze 
at  myself  in  the  mirror  with  rare  pleasure,  wishing  that 
I might  wear  that  style  of  hat. 

In  this  summer  of  1894,  when  away  from  New  York, 
where  temptation  was  less  strong,  I became  for  several 
weeks  weaned  away  from  my  peculiar  habits.  In  my 


104 


Sexual  Starvation. 


present  rather  puritanical  circle,  I felt  like  a wolf  in 
sheep’s  clothing.  Under  the  unusual  religious  influences, 
I even  thought  I might  never  again  seek  the  gratification 
of  my  peculiar  cravings. 

Nevertheless,  before  many  weeks,  I began  to  suffer  in- 
tensely from  sexual  starvation  and  melancholia.  Being 
then  a nervous  wreck,  I saw  before  me  only  insanity  or 
suicide.  I would  walk  deserted  streets  at  night  beating 
my  breast  and  waving  my  arms  in  anguish.  Even  in 
broad  daylight  and  on  the  main  street,  I several  times 
wept  openly  while  walking  along,  so  that  people  who 
knew  me  probably  thought  I was  insane.  In  the  privacy 
of  my  room  I would  writhe  on  my  bed  in  an  agony  of 
tears. 

My  sexual  cravings  began  to  render  me  sleepless  after 
retiring,  and  throw  me  into  paroxysms.  Driven  by  my 
importunate  craving  for  fellatio,  I would  occasionally  rise 
from  bed  around  midnight,  and  roam  through  the  poor 
quarters,  looking  for  a thoroughly  intoxicated  man 
who  would  not  be  able  to  recognize  me,  but  I never  found 
one.  I now  believe  I was  irresponsible. 

The  only  ray  of  hope  I had  was  the  possibility  of 
securing  a steady  mate.  When  in  my  imagination  I could 
see  the  feasibility  and  certainty  of  this,  I was  happy  and 
hopeful.  I felt  that  then  a successful  life  would  be  a 
certainty.  Without  a mate  I feared  for  my  virtue  and 
my  reputation.  With  one  I felt  that  I could  live  a vir- 
tuous life  outside  of  occasional  fellatio  with  him.  At  the 
present  time  (1918),  I am  convinced  that  I had  a right 
view  of  the  matter  back  there  in  1894.  Possession  of  a 


Appeal  to  a Highminded  Adolescent.  105 

mate  would  have  been  the  panacea  for  all  my  ills. 

My  New  York  physician,  to  whom  I confided  my  woes, 
wrote  that  the  only  remedy  to  make  me  well  and  happy 
was  the  possession  of  a mate,  and  urged  me  to  apply 
immediately  to  some  stalwart  acquaintance.  I decided 
to  appeal  to  a cousin,  an  adolescent  fair  to  look  upon, 
and  possessed  of  all  the  qualities  of  mind  attractive  to 
the  female  sex.  Moreover,  in  my  early  childhood,  he  had 
been  one  of  my  intimates.  Too  much  ashamed  to  speak, 
I handed  him  the  following  argument : 

“.  . . . I am  driven  to  make  these  disclosures  to  you, 
or  else  go  insane  or  commit  suicide.  I am  madly  in  love 
with  you.  I say  it  before  God  — this  impulse  of  my  being 
is  entirely  opposed  to  my  will.  I bewail  the  fact  that 
this  animality  is  a part  of  my  nature.  I abhor  sensual 
love  and  sensual  enjoyment,  and  if  I had  my  choice,  would 
never  stoop  to  them.  Nevertheless,  sometimes  a person 
cannot  do  what  he  would  but  what  he  must.  My  phy- 
sician says  my  health  demands  that  I do  not  resist  this 
overpowering  impulse.  Last  night  I went  to  bed  drowsy 
and  tired.  But  the  impossibility  of  my  possessing  the 
masculine  counterpart  which  nature  ordained  I should 
have,  threw  me  for  an  hour  into  paroxysms  which  threat- 
ened to  take  away  all  my  strength.  I had  finally  to  leave 
my  bed,  and  spend  two  hours  reading  in  order  to  save 
myself  from  insane  raving.  The  statement  of  the  few 
specialists  who  have  studied  into  the  nature  of  sexual 
inversion  is  that  the  craving  of  a person  like  myself  for 
his  sexual  counterpart  is  abnormally  intense,  and  that  it 
is,  for  the  ends  of  health,  more  necessary  for  his  peculiar 


106 


Abstinence  Would  Wreck  Life. 


craving  to  be  met  than  it  is  necessary  for  the  normal 
man  or  woman’s. 

“ Judging  from  the  past,  my  life  is  likely  to  be  a wreck 
if  I deny  tliis  instinctive  craving.  In  leading  a life  of 
chastity,  I have  endured  a melancholy  existence,  and  have 
often  deliberated  suicide.  Recently  I have  meditated  it 
daily.  All  my  privileges,  which  one  would  think  must 
make  my  life  a happy  one,  have  failed  to  make  life  to  me 
worth  living.  You  may  say  it  is  my  own  fault,  and  that 
I just  make  my  own  life  miserable.  But  truly,  it  is  a 
matter  to  me  not  dependent  on  my  will  power,  but  on 
physiological  and  psychological  laws,  over  which  the  will 
has  no  more  control  than  over  the  diphtheria. 

“ That  I desire  such  indulgence  does  not  spring  from 
the  fact  that  I have  become  licentious  or  a debauchee, 
placing  my  own  selfish  sensual  enjoyment  above  every- 
thing else.  I am  as  ardent  as  ever  in  my  yearnings  to 
alleviate  human  misery  and  to  deny  myself  for  others. 
But  in  this  matter,  the  result  of  my  denying  myself  would 
be  almost  as  serious  as  to  resolve  to  give  up  eating  for 
the  sake  of  saving  the  money  for  the  cause  of  missions. 
There  are  some  things  which  it  would  be  fatal  to  us  to 
give  up,  even  if  we  did  it  through  motives  of  altruism. 
I assure  you  that  I have  not  abandoned  my  high  aspira- 
tions and  worthy  aims  of  life. 

“ I assert  before  God  that  I am  confident  that  I com- 
mit no  sin  in  obeying  this  instinct.  During  my  moments 
of  closest  communion  with  God,  I am  sensible  of  His  smile 
on  my  conduct  in  this  matter.  In  general  the  only  legit- 
imate relations  are  between  a legally  married  pair.  The 


Androgyne’s  Propensities  Not  Under  Biblical  Ban.  107 

marriage  state  is  open  to  the  normal  man  and  he  is  duty 
bound  to  marry  when  passion  becomes  too  strong.  This 
duty  however  is  not  binding  on  urnings,1  because  they 
cannot  get  any  one  to  marry  them.  I endeavored  to 
marry  a young  man  in  New  York,  but  failed.  There- 
fore it  is  in  consonance  with  the  moral  law  for  urnings 
to  enjoy  the  company  of  those  they  love  without  marry- 
ing. 

“ You  may  reply  that  such  relations  are  prohibited 
in  the  Bible.  Relations  between  man  and  man,  both  of 
whom  are  normal,  are  prohibited.  But  in  the  past  year 
I have  learned  that  I am  seven-eighths  a woman,  and  only 
one-eighth  man.  **  Were  it  not  for  certain  masculine 
conformations  of  the  body,  I ought  to  go  about  in  dresses 
as  a woman,  and  always  identify  myself  with  the  female 
sex.  Therefore,  I being  more  a woman  than  a man,  these 
prohibitions  in  the  Bible  do  not  apply  to  me. 

“ I think  I have  satisfied  you  that  I can  without  sin 
follow  out  my  desire  in  the  way  Nature  prompts.  But 
I would  convince  you  that  my  companion  also  acquiesces 
in  my  desire  without  sin.  I would  not  wish  to  allure  any 
one  into  obliging  me  unless  he  could  see  that  he  was 
thereby  committing  no  sin.  There  is  sin  only  in  those 
things  which  rob  God  of  His  glory,  or  which  bring  un- 
happiness and  detriment  to  some  sentient  being.  In  this 

i At  that  time  I incorrectly  described  myself  as  an  urning.  Urnings 
are,  at  least  usually,  active  pederasts,  or  else  addicted  to  mutual 
onanism. 

**  This  early  statement  may  be  too  strong.  Psychically  I am  prac- 
tically all  woman,  and  physically  at  least  one-third,  although  the  or- 
gans of  generation  are  completely  male. 


108  Androgynes  the  Handiwork  of  God. 

case,  if  sin  at  all,  it  would  be  sin  against  self.  But  by 
it  you  harm  yourself  in  no  way,  as  the  physician  told 
me. 

“ Then  too,  urnings,  congenital  as  I,  are  the  work  of 
God,  the  divine  purpose  in  their  creation  being  probably 
to  check  a too  rapid  increase  in  the  population ; and  God 
must  therefore  have  meant  that  their  instinctive  cravings 
for  a sexual  counterpart  should  be  gratified,  especially 
since  he  has  made  these  cravings  doubly  intense.  But 
how  could  they  be  gratified  without  the  acquiescence  of 
some  normal  individual?  Therefore  the  latter  is  also 
without  sin. 

“ I am  not  now,  as  you  may  think,  writing  in  a state 
of  extreme  excitement,  such  as  I might  be  in  in  the  presence 
of  the  attractive  person,  when  I would  not  be  my  true 
self ; but  I am  writing  in  a comparatively  calm,  rational 
frame  of  mind.  I am  backed  up  in  what  I write  by  an 
experienced  physician,  whose  letter  I can  show  you,  and 
who  says  that  if  I had  the  occasional  satisfaction  of  this 
craving,  I would  become  healthy,  get  rid  of  my  morbid 
thoughts,  and  have  some  vim  for  work,  and  for  dis- 
tinguishing myself  as  a scholar.  I am  myself  confident 
that  with  this  occasional  gratification  I would  some  day 
win  the  admiration  of  the  circles  of  religion  and  learning 
for  my  scholarly  attainments  and  for  my  work  for  hu- 
manity. 

“ All  I ask  is  that  you  take  a common-sense,  rational 
view  of  the  matter.  If  there  is  still  any  doubt  in  your 
mind  about  your  possible  compliance  being  compatible 
with  honor  and  morality,  please  state  your  difficulty,  and 


The  Androgyne  Merits  Forbearance.  109 

I assure  you  I can  remove  it,  since  I have  given  much 
study  to  the  ethics  of  this  question.  . . 

But  he  absolutely  declined  to  grant  the  favor  asked, 
giving  as  his  only  reason  that  it  would  be  “ self -pollu- 
tion.” In  culture,  education,  and  broadness  of  mind,  he 
stood  much  below  me,  but  he  had  some  religious  scruples, 
and  also  his  tastes  were  naturally  against  compliance.  I 
made  further  oral  solicitations,  but  he  remained  deaf  to 
them.  I was  plunged  into  despair  at  his  refusal  to  listen 
to  reason,  and  my  head  was  drooping  in  shame.  With 
an  intense  impulse  for  self-destruction  possessing  me,  I 
turned  my  steps  toward  a stream  about  a mile  away, 
where  I intended  to  blot  out  my  miserable  existence.  But 
when  I had  walked  some  distance,  the  beauties  of  nature 
gradually  drew  away  my  thoughts  from  my  chagrin. 

Since  this  cousin  was  my  only  hope  during  the  many 
weeks  that  I had  still  to  remain  in  the  village,  and  since 
I was  madly  attracted  to  him,  I did  not  give  up  all  en- 
deavor. Later  happenings  are  described  in  the  follow- 
ing letter  to  my  New  York  physician: 

“.  . . . I write  to  you  in  order  to  see  if  I can  be 
saved  from  insanity.  Last  night  I again  appealed  to 
my  cousin,  with  whom  I am  deeply  in  love.  I called  at 
his  house  about  nine  o’clock,  but  he  was  not  in.  I told 
his  mother  I would  go  up  to  his  room  and  wait  for  him. 
Finally  he  appeared.  I was  simply  going  to  ask  him  to 
let  me  kiss  him.  If  he  had  granted  only  this,  I would 
have  gone  home  happy  and  contented.  He  could  not  see 
me,  as  the  room  was  in  darkness,  but  as  soon  as  he  heard 


110  Inhumanity  Now  Shown  Androgynes. 

me,  he  said  he  would  shoot  me  if  I did  not  clear  out  im- 
mediately, and  he  made  a move  to  get  his  revolver,  which 
he  always  keeps  loaded  under  his  pillow.  I entreated  him 
not  to  shoot,  and  to  let  me  say  merely  a few  words ; but 
he  answered  angrily,  4 If  you  do  not  leave  the  house  im- 
mediately, I will  put  a bullet  through  your  head ! ’ 

44 1 immediately  left  quite  calmly,  but  after  I got  in 
my  own  bed,  I began  to  cry  over  my  cousin’s  treatment 
of  me.  All  of  a sudden,  without  any  conscious  volition, 
I sat  up  in  bed,  threw  my  legs  and  arms  about  wildly, 
and  for  a few  seconds  shrieked  loudly  and  frightfully. 
This  paroxysm  has  left  me  in  a state  of  complete  ex- 
haustion, and  I now  do  not  know  whether  I am  sane  or 
insane. 

44  No  one  can  sympathize  with  me.  My  cousin,  an  hon- 
orable and  intelligent  young  man,  now  knows  much  about 
my  case,  and  how  I have  suffered  for  years,  and  yet  I 
received  from  him  last  night  only  harsh  words,  emphasized 
by  a revolver.  Such  treatment  by  one  I dearly  love 
drives  me  crazy.  If  only  he  had  denied  my  request  in 
gentle  words,  I would  have  gone  home  and  merely  wept 
tears  of  gratitude  at  his  forbearance.  . . .” 

I longed  to  be  back  in  a great  city,  where  alone  life 
is  possible  for  such  as  me  provided  one  wishes  to  preserve 
a good  reputation.  But  I did  not  have  the  means  to  go, 
nor  anything  I could  give  my  parents  as  a pretext.  After 
the  last  terrible  repulse,  I left  my  cousin  alone.  But  I 
was  still  frequently  driven  late  at  night  to  wander  about 
the  village,  hoping  to  find  some  man  in  a thoroughly 


First  Soldier  Companion. 


Ill 


intoxicated  condition,  but  many,  many  weary  hours  were 

thus  spent  in  a vain  search. 

' ******* 

I now  learned  that  a detachment  of  light  artillery, 
stationed  at  a fort  near  New  York  City,  who  were  out 
on  a practice  march,  would  camp  in  a neighboring  town. 
This  news  enchanted  me,  and  I informed  my  parents  that 
I was  going  off  for  a trip  afoot  for  a few  days,  of  course 
not  making  known  my  motive.  Though  a nervous  wreck, 
I was  at  the  time  able  to  walk  twenty  miles  a day. 

I reached  the  camp  toward  sunset.  With  other  civil- 
ians, I lingered  around  until  late  in  the  evening.  I tried 
to  enter  into  conversation  with  the  young  soldiers,  who 
fascinated  me,  but  could  not  overcome  my  bashfulness. 
Finally,  after  most  of  them  had  retired,  I left  the  camp, 
and  started  off  to  seek  lodging  for  the  night.  But  on 
the  way  I unexpectedly  met  a tall  soldier  of  imposing 
appearance,  and  by  a great  effort  of  the  will,  I stepped 
up,  walked  along  by  his  side,  and  entered  into  conver- 
sation. 

When  from  his  words  and  manner  I judged  that  he  was 
kindhearted  and  would  not  take  advantage  of  my  own  un- 
fortunate position  in  society,  I threw  off  the  role  of  a 
male,  and  gave  full  swing  to  the  feminine  side  of  my 
nature.  My  long  enforced  abstinence  had  driven  me  wild, 
and  I now  poured  out  hot  protestations  of  love  and 
adoration.  Finding  that  they  were  received  sympathet- 
ically, I threw  myself  into  his  arms,  clasped  my  hands 
around  his  neck,  and  wept  for  happiness.  The  effect  on 
me  of  the  soldier’s  charms  was  beyond  description.  His 


112 


First  Arrest. 


face  and  head  seemed  to  be  surrounded  with  a halo  of 
glory.  There  was  an  air  about  him  so  careless,  so  sen- 
sual, so  brave,  so  manly,  and  yet  so  kind.  I called  him 
by  all  the  names  which  love  can  invent  in  order  to  deify 
its  object.  He  however  soon  had  to  retire  to  the  camp, 
and  left  me  heartsick. 

I again  started  toward  town,  and  soon  met  another 
soldier,  who  happened  to  be  in  a maudlin  condition.  Be- 
cause of  this,  I thought  I had  nothing  to  fear,  and  ac- 
costed him  in  such  a way  as  to  disclose  my  nature  imme- 
diately without  first  sounding  to  see  if  he  was  of  a 
compassionate  nature.  Though  not  at  all  offended,  but 
laughing  at  what  he  considered  an  amusing  experience, 
and  expressing  his  willingness,  he  demanded  five  dollars, 
and  said  that  unless  I handed  it  over,  he  would  take  me 
before  the  captain  of  his  company.  This  was  said  merely 
to  frighten  me,  but  in  my  greenness,  I fully  believed  he 
would  do  it.  Thoroughly  alarmed,  I started  off  on  a run. 
The  soldier  staggered  after,  crying,  “ Catch  him ! Catch 
him ! ” In  a moment  there  were  three  other  soldiers  and 
a constable  in  pursuit.  I was  caught,  the  constable  took 
me  in  hand,  and  asked  what  it  was  all  about.  Before  any 
one  else  could  reply,  I addressed  the  five  supplicatingly : 

“ I am  ashamed  to  tell  it,  but  I am  an  urning.*  I simply 
asked  this  soldier  to  do  me  a favor,  to  which  he  certainly 
did  not  object,  because  he  only  laughed.  I have  not  done 
anything  to  him  wrong  or  criminal.  I only  proposed 
something,  and  then  he  said  he  would  take  me  before  his 
captain  unless  I paid  him  five  dollars.  I became  fright- 

* Term  misapplied. 


Reflections  in  Jail. 


113 


ened  and  ran  away.  I pray  you,  have  mercy  on  me,  and 
let  me  go.  If  you  knew  what  a sad  life  I have  had,  you 
would  feel  sorry  for  me.  I have  felt  like  committing 
suicide  a thousand  times.  I am  not  willingly  what  I am. 
It  is  my  misfortune  and  not  my  fault  that  I am  an 
urning.  If  you  are  ever  capable  of  compassion,  let  my 
fate  move  you  to  pity.  Please  let  me  go  and  don’t  arrest 
me ! ” 

The  soldiers  soon  went  on  their  way,  and  the  constable 
conducted  me  in  the  direction  of  the  lockup.  He  acted 
toward  me  as  if  I was  a low  criminal,  while  I continued 
to  supplicate  him  to  let  me  go.  As  we  came  nearer  the 
lockup,  in  my  highly  excited  condition  over  the  fear  of 
disgracing  my  family,  who  lived  only  four  miles  away, 
and  the  prospect  that  if  my  secret  was  disclosed,  I could 
never  see  any  of  my  loved  ones  again,  I thoughtlessly 
declared  I would  not  go  any  farther,  which  caused  him 
to  rap  my  head  with  his  club. 

I was  locked  up  for  the  night.  Through  nervous  shock, 
I did  not  sleep  a wink.  Only  to  the  few  is  it  given  ever 
to  taste  such  a night  of  misery  as  I passed.  “ I,  whom 
all  think  the  purest  and  most  pious  of  men,  being  ar- 
rested ! ” I meditated.  “ I,  the  last  one  whom  anybody 
would  have  expected  ever  to  be  arrested ! But  God’s  will 
be  done.  . . . Am  I to  be  the  one  to  disgrace  my  family? 
Hitherto  I have  been  the  scholar,  the  litterateur,  the  only 
collegian  of  my  father’s  family,  and  have  by  my  achieve- 
ments in  learning  brought  the  most  honor  on  my  father’s 
house  of  all  his  children.  I shall  also  be  the  one  to  bring 
the  deepest  disgrace  upon  it.” 


114 


Chronic  Fear  of  Arrest. 


The  following  morning  I was  sentenced  to  three  days 
in  the  lock-up.  As  the  village  of  my  incarceration  was 
only  four  miles  from  my  home,  and  I was  known  at  least 
by  sight  to  some  of  its  inhabitants,  my  father  evidently 
soon  learned  of  my  disgrace,  notwithstanding  that  I had 
sought  to  conceal  my  identity.  Although  he  never  men- 
tioned the  episode,  he  soon  began  to  treat  me  regularly 
with  extreme  bitterness,  as  if  he  wished  I had  never  been 
born.  I was  the  only  one  of  his  children  to  whom  he 
manifested  any  such  spirit,  notwithstanding  I was  the 
brightest  of  them. 

Throughout  an  entire  decade  subsequent  to  this  episode, 
I had  an  unreasonable  nervousness  about  arrest  and  about 
policemen.  Whenever  any  one  whose  name  was  un- 
familiar was  announced  as  waiting  to  see  me,  my  first 
thought  and  fear  were  that  a policeman  had  come  to  ar- 
rest me.  Whenever  any  one  called  me  up  on  the  tele- 
phone, I always  feared  that  it  was  in  connection  with  my 
forthcoming  arrest. 

A few  days  after  being  restored  to  liberty,  I informed 
my  parents  of  my  intention  to  go  off  on  another  trip 
afoot,  this  time  for  a couple  of  weeks.  My  secret  object 
was  to  mingle  with  this  detachment  of  troops,  whom  I 
knew  to  be  encamped  for  some  weeks  about  two  days’  easy 
journey  on  foot  from  my  home.  That  just  described  was 
my  first  experience  with  soldiers,  and  I had  become  fasci- 
nated as  never  before.  All  my  reveries  were  now  to  re- 
linquish the  career  of  a scholar  and  become  a sutler  near 
some  fort  in  the  wild  west  so  that  I could  mingle  daily 
with  these  demigods,  whom  I most  abjectly  worshipped. 


Soldiers  Are  Demigods. 


115 


I was  in  misery  because  my  lot  in  life  separated  me  from 
these  ferocious  young  men. 

I look  upon  a youthful  professional  soldier  as  a most 
wonderful  being,  different  from  all  other  human  beings. 
There  seems  to  be  a sort  of  enchantment  about  him. 
Merely  the  process  of  enlistment,  the  donning  of  the  uni- 
form, and  the  acquiring  of  skill  in  handling  the  weapons 
of  warfare  make  a demigod  out  of  the  young  man,  as  your 
author  looks  upon  it.  When  a newspaper  item  states 
that  a trainload  of  regular  soldiers  passed  through  a 
certain  town,  I reflect  with  a thrill  on  what  a wonderful 
burden  that  train  bore,  and  experience  a sense  of  pain 
that  I could  not  be  along  and  make  known  the  adoration 
I feel.  Ever  since  this  my  first  encounter  with  regular 
soldiers,  I have  wished  for  omnipresence  with  the  men  of 
the  regular  army.  Privates,  corporals,  and  sergeants 
are  men  after  my  own  heart.  I was  never  attracted  to- 
ward commissioned  officers,  and  they  have  appeared  to 
me  as  being  less  manly  than  the  classes  named.  Perhaps 
my  predilection  is  due  to  the  fact  that  the  commissioned 
officers  are  as  a rule  intellectual  like  myself.  Subsequently 
to  my  reaching  the  age  of  twenty-five,  regular  soldiers 
have  been  practically  the  only  young  men  to  whom  I have 
been  strongly  attracted.  After  that  age  I found  it  easy 
to  relinquish  coquetry  with  all  other  jmung  men.  Now 
(1918)  wrhen  I have  arrived  at  my  middle  forties,  I pine 
alone  not  to  be  able  longer  — on  account  of  my  age  — to 
mingle  with  regular  soldiers  as  a mignon.  As  Ophelia 
with  Othello,  I love  them  and  adore  them  for  the  dangers 
they  have  passed  through,  as  well  as  those  attached  to 


116 


Music  Overwhelms. 


their  vocation.  Futhermore,  in  man’s  natural  state, 
fighting  — next  to  procreating  — is  the  pre-eminent  func- 
tion of  the  male.  For  this  reason  the  war-loving  man  is 
my  sexual  ideal. 

Arrived  a short  distance  from  the  camp,  I,  for  only  the 
second  time  in  my  life,  caught  the  thrilling  notes  of  the 
bugle-call.  It  took  all  the  strength  out  of  my  legs  so 
that  I felt  as  if  I would  fall  to  the  ground.  Since  I began 
to  associate  with  soldiers,  the  notes  of  the  bugle  have  had 
an  unearthly  — I might  say,  an  eternal,  overwhelming  — 
beauty.  Subsequently  to  1905,  when  my  open  career  as 
a soldiers’  mignon  became  a thing  of  the  past,  the  bugle- 
call  has  made  me  live  that  career  over  again  in  a few  mo- 
ments. It  brings  up  fond  memories  of  the  many  evenings 
spent  in  the  long,  long  ago  with  the  “ mighty  men  of  war.” 
It  fills  my  soul  with  adoration  for  these  “ mighty  men  of 
valor,”  these  “ mighty  men  of  renown.”  I have  some- 
times been  seized  with  a babyish  cooing  or  gasping,  and 
have  ardently  wished  that  I were  youthful  again  and  in 
the  arms  of  one  of  these  wonderful  beings. 

The  effect  on  me  of  secular  music  in  general  has  been 
to  arouse  reveries  of  my  amours  and  paramours.  I have 
been  an  unusual  lover  and  patron  of  grand  opera,  the 
soprano  and  alto  solos  having  an  overwhelming  effect  par- 
ticularly (because  that  is  the  manner  in  which  I would 
have  wished  to  sing).  I have  often  been  raised  into  sub- 
lime heights  of  ecstasy,  generally  with  a sensual  tinge. 

Arrived  at  the  camp,  I strolled  about  and  was  soon 
recognized:  “Hello  Pretty!  Where  did  you  come 
from?  ” Filled  with  bliss,  and  thrown  into  my  most  baby- 


Milites  Easiest  of  Conquests. 


117 


ish  and  effeminate  mood,  I responded:  “You  adorable 
artilleryman,  I was  pining  for  you,  and  followed  you  here 

from  X He  told  me  to  meet  him  outside  the  camp 

after  retreat,  when  he  appeared  with  several  comrades. 
I was  in  ecstasy  on  this  first  walk  of  my  life  on  a country 
road  with  a party  of  bewitching  adolescent  soldiers  as 
daylight  was  fast  fading  into  darkness.  In  my  years  of 
subsequent  association  with  soldiers,  I found  that  those 
over  twenty-five  years  of  age  were  in  general  disinclined 
to  talk  with  me.  They  appeared  to  have  been  already 
satiated  with  flirtation,  while  numerous  youngsters  were 
desirous  of  a frolic  with  me. 

Havelock  Ellis  says : “ The  homosexual  tendency  ap- 

pears to  have  flourished  chiefly  among  warriors  and  war- 
like peoples.”  In  another  place  he  says : “ I have  been 

told  by  medical  men  in  India  that  it  is  specially  common 
among  the  Sikhs,  the  finest  soldier-race  in  India.”  I have 
myself  found  adolescent  professional  soldiers  the  easiest 
of  conquests  and  the  most  inclined  of  any  class  of  men  to 
take  the  virile  part  with  me.  I speak  from  experience  in 
flirtation  with  at  least  two  thousand  different  professional 
soldiers,  only  about  four  hundred  of  whom,  however,  went 
to  extremes.  I saw  not  the  least  tendency  toward  homo- 
sexuality amongst  themselves,  although  I frequented  to 
some  extent  their  barracks  and  even  their  bunks.  They 
are  only  capable  of  taking  the  virile  part  with  an  indi- 
vidual like  your  author.  In  general  the  common  soldiers 
of  the  regular  army  are  particularly  rough,  coarse- 
grained, vigorous,  and  sensual  men,  constituting  physi- 
cally the  best  blood  of  the  race.  As  already  indicated, 


118 


Actives  Are  Ultravirile. 


practically  all  civilians  who  were  intimate  with  me  were  of 
this  same  type,  and  there  appears  to  be  some  connection 
between  tremendous  virility  and  active  homosexuality. 
Furthermore,  along  with  this  ultra-virility  of  the  profes- 
sional common  soldier,  he  is  almost  entirely  shut  off  from 
the  gentle  sex,  whereas  the  young  civilian  of  the  laboring 
classes  has  usually  an  acquaintance  who  gladly  yields  as 
his  mistress.  Of  course  man}f  of  the  nation’s  fighters  have 
a natural  distaste.  As  just  indicated,  only  about  one  in 
five  with  whom  I coquetted  went  to  extremes,  while  about 
fifty  per  cent,  of  those  who  knew  me  by  sight  would  never 
even  speak  to  me.  But  the  line  of  cleavage  did  not  at  all 
correspond  with  that  between  the  religious  or  conscientious 
and  the  vicious.  It  was  a matter  as  much  outside  the 
province  of  ethics  as  is  vegetarianism. 

Moreover,  soldiers  lead  comparatively  idle  lives,  and 
also  monotonous  lives,  and  these  two  conditions  add  to 
their  susceptibility  to  the  wiles  of  a fairie.  A bright  and 
facile  fairie  is  capable  of  furnishing  them  a great  deal  of 
entertainment,  aside  from  the  opportunity  of  exercising 
their  fundamental  impulse.  With  myself  also,  coitus  was 
a comparatively  small  element  in  our  mutual  relations. 
Innocent  coquetry,  including  “ taking  off  ” the  baby  and 
the  woman,  occupied  a far  larger  place. 

My  relations  with  a coterie  of  beaux,  and  particularly 
with  soldiers  around  the  camps  and  forts,  reminded  me 
sometimes  of  a play.  I was,  as  it  were,  acting  a part. 
Perhaps  it  would  be  nearer  the  truth  to  say  that  another 
personality  was  in  possession  of  me.  I was  conscious 
that  I was  the  same  “ I ” who  was  one  of  the  leaders  in 


Author’s  Two-Sided  Life. 


119 


scholarship  at  the  university  and  who  was  there  looked 
upon  as  a particularly  innocent  and  pure-minded  youth. 
I was  also  conscious  that  in  the  society  of  my  beaux  I was 
not  acting  as  became  the  sensible,  rational,  respectable 
collegian  of  other  occasions.  I felt  that  I had  temporarily 
relinquished  my  mind  and  body  to  the  dictates  of  another 
spirit,  that  of  a “ baby-girl  ” — a combination  of  baby 
and  girl.  It  was  however  a spirit  not  alien  to  me.  It 
was  a spirit  which  had  dwelt  in  my  brain  from  infancy. 
It  was  a spirit  that  had  always  been  called  up  by  the  sight 
of  beautiful  stalwart  males  of  the  proper  age.  For  the 
work' of  life  I realized  that  this  spirit  would  not  do.  If 
I was  to  make  a name  for  myself  in  the  world,  I must 
dethrone  this  baby-spirit  in  me.  When  in  my  study,  I 
sought  to  forget  this  baby-spirit.  I even  turned  against 
it  at  times  with  a sort  of  abhorrence,  and  asked  myself 
how  I could  give  way  to  it.  Thus  I lived  a sort  of  a two- 
sided  life.  Part  of  the  time  I was  a sober-minded  intel- 
lectual worker.  Part  of  the  time,  wrhen  under  sexual  ex- 
citement, even  to  a slight  degree,  I displayed  the  mental 
traits  of  a baby.  I knew  that  these  two  states,  babyhood 
and  adult  manhood,  were  incongruous,  but  to  have  a con- 
tented mind  and  to  be  in  a mood  which  would  render  a 
career  devoted  to  scholarly  pursuits  possible,  it  was  nec- 
essary occasionally  to  follow  out  my  feminine  and  babyish 
instincts.  It  should  be  remembered,  however,  that  I have 
never  developed  into  a full-fledged  man  either  physically 
or  mentally.  If  my  business  associates  tell  the  truth,  I 
am  still  in  1918  a child  nearly  half  a century  old.  Child- 
likenoss  is  a common  characteristic  of  androgynes. 


120 


Acting  Out  a Drama. 


I was  not  alone  in  acting  a part  when  with  a coterie 
of  beaux,  but  they  also  did  in  conducting  themselves  to- 
ward me  as  if  I were  a girl.  While  strolling  with  soldiers 
through  the  fields  and  woods,  I would  demand  assistance 
over  places  of  the  slightest  difficulty,  and  some  of  them 
wTere  marvellously  solicitous  under  the  circumstances. 
They  instinctively  yearned  to  be  the  protector  of  some 
weak  female,  and  being  deprived  of  practically  all  female 
company,  they  spent  their  instinctive  gallantry  on  me. 
This  was  to  me  a rare  pleasure. 

In  our  drama,  it  was  bliss  to  me  to  be  the  star,  the 
center  of  attraction,  the  only  representative  of  the  gentle 
sex  present,  while  there  might  be  around  me  half  a score 
of  large,  powerful  young  bloods.  In  my  every-day  sphere, 
I have  been  exceedingly  shy,  but  as  “ Jennie  June  ” I have 
impersonated  a baby-girl  before  a hundred  soldiers  at  a 
time  without  being  in  the  least  embarrassed.  I would 
fret  after  the  manner  of  a baby  and  sob  just  for  the 
pleasure  of  having  them  soothe  and  pet  me.  I would  pre- 
tend to  faint  away  just  for  the  pleasure  of  being  caught 
in  their  arms  and  held  there.  When  in  the  country,  I 
sometimes  feigned  unwillingness  to  go  with  them,  and 
forced  them  to  carry  me,  with  hands,  arms,  and  whole 
body  hanging  limp.  This  was  also  a rare  pleasure. 
Sometimes  they  would  scare  me  in  fun  in  order  to  bring 
from  me  a shrill  feminine  shriek  — when  I felt  sure  no  of- 
ficers or  civilians  were  near.  Indeed  while  in  their  com- 
pany, I exaggerated  cowardice,  babyishness,  and  feminin- 
ity in  general. 


Cast  Out  of  a Camp. 


121 


On  this  visit  of  1894  with  the  soldiers,  most  of  them 
treated  me  well.  Some  even  allowed  me  to  call  in  their 
tents,  and  shared  their  meals  with  me.  But  others,  who 
had  been  brought  up  to  believe  that  a fairie  must  be  a 
monster  of  wickedness,  and  were  disinclined  to  learn 
through  association  with  me  that  I was  a paragon  of 
morality  apart  from  coquetry  and  venery,  were  bitterly 
opposed  to  my  presence  in  the  camp  and  sought  to  injure 
me.  But  I was  treated  so  well  by  so  many  that  I made 
myself  too  free.  I was  of  course  guilty  of  no  immodesty 
or  ultra-babyishness  within  the  boundaries  of  the  camp. 

The  increasing  opposition  culminated  one  afternoon. 
I had  asked  an  acquaintance  if  I could  take  a nap  in  his 
bunk,  and  as  a joke,  he  installed  me  in  the  bunk  of  an 
enemy.  As  a result  I was  ordered  off  the  camp-ground. 
I had  to  traverse  a lane  lined  with  tents,  in  front  of  which 
their  occupants  were  eating  supper.  As  I passed,  with 
head  bowed  in  humiliation,  the  majority  were  laughing  at 
me,  while  the  malevolent  called  out  the  appropriate  vulgar 
epithet,  and  threw  scraps  of  food  and  cups  of  coffee  into 
my  face.  I was  wishing  the  earth  might  open  and  swal- 
low me  up.  This  experience  led  me  to  leave  for  home 
immediately. 

As  only  a few  weeks  now  remained  before  my  return  to 
New  York  to  begin  my  senior  year,  I passed  them  without 
being  tormented  by  unsatisfied  instincts.  On  my  return, 
I had  no  intention  to  seek  my  Mulberry  Street  friends, 
partly  because  of  the  events  at  our  leave-taking  in  May, 
and  partly  because  of  the  cooling  of  my  fascination  after 
four  months’  separation.  I decided  not  to  frequent  the 


122  Year  1894  — I Become  a High-Class  Fairie. 

outlying  fort  where  my  soldier  friends  had  returned  be- 
cause of  the  inconvenience  of  going  thither.  I believed 
I could  find  associates  within  a half-hour’s  journey  from 
where  I myself  resided.  I had  decided  to  try  my  luck  in 
the  14th  Street  theatre  district,  which  was  at  that  time 
a favorite  promenade  of  fairies. 

One  evening  I clad  myself  so  as  to  present  the  most  at- 
tractive appearance  possible:  a blue  suit,  with  boxplaited, 
belted  coat  (Norfolk  style);  dark  red  necktie;  white 
gloves  ; and  patent-leather  shoes.  As  a high-class  fairie,  I 
sought  to  dress  in  a distinctive  manner,  so  as  to  be  more 
readily  recognized  by  my  prey.  Therefore  unusually 
large  neck  bows  and  white  gloves.  Fairies  are  inclined  to 
be  loud  in  their  dress.  The  excessive  wearing  of  gloves 
and  the  wearing  of  a red  neck-tie  are  almost  universal  with 
high-class  fairies.  Once  a blackmailer  to  whom  I would 
not  hand  out  the  three  dollars  demanded  made  good  his 
threat  to  turn  me  over  to  a policeman,  who  took  my  red 
tie  as  conclusive  evidence  that  I was  a fairie.  Of  a fairie 
who  was  arrested  for  accosting  on  the  street,  I have  heard 
it  said : “ He  got  thirty  days  for  wearing  a red  tie.” 

On  my  first  visit  to  the  theatre  district  named,  I prom- 
enaded up  and  down  for  about  an  hour,  afraid  to  accost 
any  adolescent.  Finally  one  accosted  me:  “ How’s  busi- 
ness? ” 

“How  do  you  know  my  business?”  I replied  with  a 
smile. 

“ Oh,  I know  all  right.  Didn’t  you  get  many  to- 
night? ” 

“ I was  only  looking  for  you.  I cannot  express  how 


The  “ Other  Side  ” of  a Senior’s  Life. 


123 


beautiful  you  appear  to  me.  Please  excuse  me  for  being 
so  outspoken.” 

“ Oh,  there’s  no  harm  done.” 

“ You  are  the  most  beautiful  and  best  dressed  fellow 
I have  seen  this  evening.  Won’t  you  please,  please,  take 
me  as  your  valet  and  slave?  I will  serve  you  for  noth- 
ing.” 

He  happened  to  be  living  in  a furnished-room  house  in 
the  neighborhood.  Arrived  in  his  room,  he  treated  me 
with  marvellous  gallantry,  as  if  I had  been  a queen.  For 
several  weeks,  I spent  an  evening  in  his  company.  He  in- 
troduced me  to  his  companions,  they  to  theirs  in  turn,  and 
before  long  I numbered  among  my  acquaintances  scores 
of  the  habitues  of  the  gambling  halls  and  other  dens  of 
vice  of  this  quarter  of  the  city,  and  associated  with  them 
in  these  places,  though  fellatio  and  coquetry  were  my  own 
only  departures  from  a most  puritanical  life.  Such  an 
environment  was  it  that  fate  had  in  store  for  the  innocent 
stripling  of  a few  years  ago  who  had  chosen  for  himself 
the  self-abnegating  career  of  a foreign  missionary. 

Outside  of  this  one  evening  each  week  in  which  I gave 
free  rein  to  my  “ baby-girl  ” proclivities,  however,  I con- 
tinued to  be  a most  industrious  collegian,  even  winning 
prizes  because  of  my  excelling  all  others  in  some  branches. 
My  every-day  circle  had  no  suspicion  of  the  double  life 
I was  leading.  Whenever  returning  home  after  an  evening 
passed  as  a fairie,  I took  the  most  extreme  precautions 
that  I should  not  be  followed,  and  of  course  concealed 
from  all  who  knew  me  as  “ Jennie  June  ” that  I was  a per- 
son of  more  than  a common-school  education. 


124 


Depilation. 


All  classes  of  sporting  men  — young  actors,  profes- 
sional gamblers,  racetrack  bookmakers,  and  adolescents 
of  some  means  and  without  occupation  other  than  to  sip 
continually  of  all  the  gross  pleasures  of  life  — constituted 
the  associates  of  “ Jennie  June  ” during  the  following 
year  and  a half.  I read  in  the  newspaper  several  times 
that  one  of  my  paramours  held  a world’s  record  in  one 
branch  of  sport.  I found  that  very  few  of  this  moneyed, 
sporting  class  cared  to  go  beyond  joking  with  me  and 
teasing  me,  and  none  beyond  the  age  of  twenty-five  ever 
went  to  extremes.  In  this  neighborhood  at  that  time 
female  lilies  de  joie  were  numerous,  and  the  sporting  men 
were  more  than  satiated.  The  fairie’s  success  is  inversely 
proportional  to  unmarried  adolescents’  opportunities  with 
the  gentle  sex. 

About  the  beginning  of  my  14th  Street  career  as  a high- 
class  fairie,  I removed  all  the  growth  of  hair  on  my  body 
and  limbs  by  means  of  a safety  razor  so  that  they  were 
as  glabrous  as  statuary.  I considered  that  I thus  beau- 
tified my  body.  The  operation  had  to  be  repeated  about 
once  every  two  months.  I would  let  the  hair  on  the  face 
grow  for  a full  week,  remaining  in  my  room  continuously 
the  final  two  days,  Saturday  and  Sunday,  because  of  my 
untidy  appearance.  I would  then  pull  it  all  out  by  the 
roots  through  the  application  of  depilatory  wax.  For 
two  or  three  weeks  subsequently  my  face  would  be  as  de- 
void of  hair  as  any  woman’s,  when  the  new  growth  would 
reach  the  surface  of  the  skin.  After  another  week’s 
growth,  it  was  necessary  to  repeat  the  operation.  I had 
hoped  that  the  repeated  violence  to  the  hair-cells  would 


Other  High-Class  Fairies. 


125 


destroy  their  functioning  and  I would  be  permanently  rid 
of  facial  hair,  my  most  detested  mark  of  the  male,  but 
there  was  no  appreciable  effect.  I also  feared  the  re- 
peated operation  might  occasion  a malignant  growth,  but 
I was  ready  to  take  every  risk. 

About  the  age  of  seventeen,  I was  horrified  at  the  first 
appearance  of  hair  on  my  face.  For  several  months  I 
refused  to  shave,  but  pulled  the  hairs  aut  when  they  be- 
came long  enough  to  grasp  between  the  fleshy  part  of  the 
thumb  and  the  blade  of  a dull  knife.  I was  again  horri- 
fied when  my  father  presented  me  with  a safety  razor. 
Fortunately  for  me,  this  invention  shortly  preceded  my  ar- 
rival at  puberty,  m}T  horror  of  it  being  far  less  than  of 
the  old-fashioned  kind. 

During  this  period  of  my  career,  I learned  that  fairies 
are  maintained  in  some  public  houses  of  the  better  class, 
and  met  several  of  these  refined  professionals,  who  re- 
sembled myself  both  physically  and  psychically.  They 
commonly  have  plates  substituted  for  their  front  teeth. 
Even  I took  this  expedient  under  consideration.  It  was 
suggested  to  me  to  become  an  inmate  of  such  a house,  but 
I could  make  the  career  of  a fille  de  joie  only  a side  issue. 
I gave  first  place  to  the  intellectual  and  others  of  the 
highest  aims  of  life.  My  sister  courtesans,  both  male  and 
female,  thought  only  of  the  sensual,  and  had  adopted  their 
occupation  as  a gainful  one,  whereas  I sought  merely  the 
satisfaction  of  strong  instincts,  which  unsatisfied  would 
make  practically  impossible  the  higher  life  I regularly 
lived. 

During  this  period  I knowingly  encountered  the  first 


126  Experience  with  Venereal  Disease. 

case  of  gonorrhea  in  a companion.  Until  eleven  years 
later,  when  I contracted  syphilis,  I had  an  unreasonable 
horror  of  venereal  disease  because  of  what  I had  heard  in 
personal  purity  lectures  to  students.  Nevertheless  I was 
ready  to  take  every  risk  for  the  satisfaction  of  my  craving. 
For  my  entire  open  career  of  twelve  years  as  a fairie  — 
for  I did  not  happen  to  contract  syphilis  until  its  very 
close  — I conceived  that  in  buccal  syphilis,  the  buccal 
cavity  is  completely  filled  with  burning,  excruciatingly 
painful  ulcers,  and  no  solid  nourishment  can  be  taken.  A 
lay  confidant  almost  at  the  beginning  of  my  fairie  days  had 
told  me  he  had  seen  such  a case  in  a hospital  — probably 
fabricating  in  order  to  scare  me  away  from  the  indulgence 
of  my  proclivities.  When  I finally  did  contract  buccal 
syphilis  I found  it  not  even  one-thousandth  as  serious  as 
it  had  been  represented  to  me.  (See  events  of  1905.)  I 
always  rinsed  the  buccal  cavity  as  soon  as  possible  sub- 
sequently to  fellatio,  and  always  kept  my  system  entirely 
free  from  alcohol  and  other  narcotics.  Throughout  my 
twelve  years’  association  with  young  men  who  drank  habit- 
ually, I always  totally  abstained  from  and  abhorred  alco- 
holic beverages.  So  far  as  I know,  I did  not  contract 
gonorrhea  until  1917,  after  twenty-four  years  of  promis- 
cuity with  the  exception  of  several  periods  of  abstinence 
or  of  monandry  each  of  several  months  duration. 

In  the  ninth  year  of  promiscuity,  several  long  slender 
venereal  warts  grew  downward  from  the  inside  of  the  upper 
lip,  not  visible  on  the  exterior,  but  troubling  me  somewhat 
in  articulation.  A surgeon  excised  them  and  they  never 
returned.  In  the  twelfth  year,  a large  wart  appeared  just 


Anatomical  Peculiarities,  Etc.,  Encountered.  127 

outside  the  sphincter  anus  and  disappeared  without  any 
treatment  about  twenty  months  later.  I have  here  in- 
dicated all  my  personal  experience  with  venereal  diseases. 

In  my  approximately  sixteen  hundred  intimacies  with 
about  eight  hundred  different  companions,  I found  only 
about  three  cases  of  venereal  warts,  and  about  the  same 
number  of  cases  of  chancre.  Only  one  confessed  to  having 
gonorrhea,  and  I myself  detected  it  by  the  discharge  on 
only  one  other.  Young  men  suffering  from  syphilis  or 
gonorrhea  in  membro  virili  who  have  a conscience  are  not 
likely  to  permit  fellatio.  I have,  however,  encountered 
the  superstition  that  if  a man  afflicted  with  venereal  dis- 
ease can  secure  fellatio,  the  malady  is  imbibed  out  of  the 
system. 

I encountered  only  four  or  five  monorchids,  about  five 
cases  of  pronounced  varicocele,  and  about  five  bad  cases 
of  phimosis.  Slight  phimosis  was  often  encountered.  I 
would  never  have  gone  to  extremes  with  a monorchid  or 
with  one  suffering  from  a bad  phimosis  if  I could  have 
avoided  disappointing  him  or  hurting  his  feelings ; and 
even  regretted  being  thrown  with  one  with  only  slight 
phimosis.  I was  attracted  only  ad  glandem  magnam  atque 
de  more  nudatam.  I never  encountered  a case  of  hypo- 
spade,  of  epispade,  or  of  noticeably  short  frenum.  Only 
about  four  were  absolutely  incapable  of  orgasm  in  my 
presence,  while  perhaps  two  dozen  out  of  the  eight  hun- 
dred found  it  dilatory  or  incomplete.  With  myself  or- 
gasm was  practically  always  prompt  and  complete,  but 
was  disagreeable.  About  a dozen  cum  orgasmo  perfecto 
non  potuerunt  ejaculari.  Alii  duodecim  habuerunt  tres 


128  Manner  of  Life  of  a High-Class  Fairie. 

ejaculationes  in  semihora. 

Solum  circiter  triginta  voluerunt  duo  aut  tres  eadem 
nocte,  atque  nemo  plus.  In  ninety-five  per  cent,  of  cases, 
incubuimus  solum  from  twenty  to  thirty  minutes.  I never 
took  the  initiative  in  parting,  although  I was  generally 
quite  reconciled.  Even  in  the  less  than  five  per  cent,  of 
cases  where  we  passed  the  night  in  the  same  house,  I nearly 
always  — because  of  my  inability  to  fall  asleep  otherwise 
— occupied  a separate  bed  except  for  one  hour  after  re- 
tiring and  another  hour  prior  to  rising. 

******** 

To  return  to  the  events  of  my  Fourteenth  Street  days,  I 
would  sometimes,  in  the  public  parlors  of  the  houses  of 
assignation  in  that  vicinity,  be  a member  of  a jolly  party 
of  adolescents  and  filles  de  joie.  Everybody  would  be  ex- 
ceedingly kind  and  courteous  to  me,  and  in  general  dis- 
played toward  one  another  the  most  extreme  politeness. 
I have  never  been  in  a more  charming  circle,  and  would 
experience  the  highest  earthly  bliss.  The  young  men 
would  hold  me  on  their  laps  and  fondle  me  before  the  eyes 
of  all,  even  of  strange  parties  of  patrons  who  were  simul- 
taneously occupying  the  large  parlors  or  drinking  saloons. 
I feared  some  member  of  these  other  parties  might  rec- 
ognize me.  Occasionally  we  repaired  to  a private  cham- 
ber. In  my  fairie  apprenticeship  and  during  my  career 
around  the  military  posts,  I was  the  financier.  But  during 
the  present  period,  that  function  fell  entirely  to  my  as- 
sociates. 

On  other  occasions,  my  associates  were  boisterous  and 
outrageously  indecent  in  their  conduct  toward  me  in  the 


Conflict  of  My  Two  Lives. 


129 


public  parlors.  The  following  are  quotations  from  my 
journal:  “ I have  to  weep  when  I reflect  that  I,  a scholar, 
a litterateur,  and  a philosopher,  am  so  often  made  the 
sport  and  laughing-stock  of  the  immoral  and  godless  crowd 

which  assembles  in  the  parlor  of  the  X Hotel.  To 

think  of  my  acting  like  a simpleton,  and  being  looked  upon 
as  a simpleton  by  those  greatly  inferior  to  me  in  mental 
ability ! ” 

“ I am  satiated  with  sensual  pleasure.  It  is  the  vanity 
of  vanities.  Good  deeds  done  our  fellow  men  are  the  best 
investment  in  life.  I pray  God  to  send  forth  laborers  into 
His  harvest,  and  to  let  me  be  one.  When  I see  the  multi- 
tude of  young  people  wandering  astray,  as  sheep  without 
a shepherd,  the  words  of  scripture  ring  through  my  ears, 
‘ Comfort  ye,  comfort  ye,  my  people ! ’ Sometimes  I seem 
to  have  a clairvoyant  vision  into  the  future,  and  behold 
myself,  finally  saved  from  animality,  commissioned  by  the 
great  I AM  to  be  a proclaimer  of  the  blessed  Gospel  of 
peace  and  good  will  among  men.” 

One  evening  a strange  adolescent  accosted  me  on  the 
street:  “ You  are  a fairie,  aren’t  you?  ” 

“ What  makes  you  think  so?  ” 

“ No  one  but  a fairie  would  stare  at  a fellow  like  you 
do.  Don’t  you  want  to  take  a walk  with  me  over  to  the 
East  River?  ” [Where  the  streets  were  entirely  deserted 
at  night.] 

On  the  way  he  inquired  my  real  name,  occupation,  resi- 
dence, and  all  about  me,  and  feigned  a friendly  interest. 
I of  course  gave  false  answers.  Arrived  in  the  deserted 


130  Adventure  with  Reputed  Detective. 

region,  he  allowed  me  to  incriminate  myself  for  a single 
second.  Then  he  seized  me  violently  and  exclaimed : “ I 

was  just  laying  for  fellows  like  you.  You  have  been  lying 
to  me.  You  don’t  live  down  on  the  Bowery,  and  you  are 
no  tailor.  I know  you!  I have  seen  you  uptown!  Now 
I have  evidence  against  you ! That  is  all  I was  after ! I 
am  a detective,  and  you  are  under  arrest ! ” 

“ What  have  I done  to  you  that  you  should  treat  me 
like  this?  I did  not  accost  you!  You  accosted  me! 
Have  mercy  on  me,  a poor  unfortunate,  and  let  me  go ! ” 

As  we  walked  along,  I,  unexpectedly  to  him,  wrenched 
myself  from  his  grip  and  escaped.  A kind  Providence 
made  me  unusually  fleet  of  foot,  and  many  times  in  my 
subsequent  career,  I outran  a persecutor.  The  young 
man  may  have  been  fabricating,  but  detectives  have  been 
actually  sent  out  by  the  authorities  to  entrap  inverts. 
The  author  knows  of  a case  where  the  invert  was  induced 
by  the  detective  to  incriminate  himself  where  he  could  be 
photographed  in  the  act,  and  as  a result  spent  several 
years  in  state’s  prison. 

On  another  warm  evening,  I was  skylarking  with  several 
high-class  adolescents  in  the  deserted  region  in  question. 
A gang  of  youthful  dockrats  surprised  us,  and  we  fled  in 
a panic.  I happened  to  be  captured.  Having  perceived 
that  I was  an  invert,  they  at  first  conducted  themselves 
in  what  was  to  me  the  most  pleasing  manner  and  then 
robbed  me. 

One  of  my  associates  on  a summer  evening  conducted  me 
to  Stuyvesant  Square,  a few  blocks  from  my  usual  haunts, 
and  introduced  me  to  his  circle  of  friends,  who  in  good 


Debut  in  Stuyvesant  Square. 


181 


weather  spent  part  of  nearly  every  evening  on  the  park 
benches.  All  these  adolescents  were  members  of  a young 
men’s  club  in  the  neighborhood,  with  about  three  score 
members  of  which  I soon  became  acquainted.  Morally 
and  religiously,  these  young  men  stood  higher  than  any 
other  class  that  I ever  associated  with  as  “ Jennie  June.” 
No  virile  young  men  in  New  York  City  stand  higher  than 
they,  being  of  the  best  “ Y.  M.  C.  A.  type.”  In  summer, 
for  about  ten  years  subsequently,  I occasionally  called  on 
my  many  friends  some  of  whom  were  almost  sure  to  be 
seated  in  this  small  park  during  part  of  a pleasant  eve- 
ning. I saw  some  successively  reach  puberty,  young  man- 
hood, marriage,  and  fatherhood. 

The  majority  of  this  superior  class  of  young  men 
treated  me  kindly,  but  only  about  one  in  eight  ever  went 
to  extremes,  and  these  never  more  than  six  times  individu- 
ally. A considerable  proportion  of  those  who  knew  me 
to  be  a fairie,  however,  thought  I must  therefore  be  a 
monster  of  wickedness,  and  of  the  many  different  sets  of 
adolescents  with  whom  I associated  as  “ Jennie  June,” 
only  one  other  inflicted  on  me  as  much  suffering  as  did  this 
Stuyvesant  Square  group.  An  extenuating  circumstance 
is  that  I could  not  let  them  know  that  I was  a person  of 
strong  religious  and  moral  convictions,  and  habitually  led 
a respectable  life.  I was  always  entirely  inoffensive, 
merely  coquetting  with  those  to  whom  I had  been  intro- 
duced. My  influence  on  their  lives  was  not  at  all  bad.  I 
even  encouraged  them  to  live  the  higher  Christian  life,  as 
about  one-half  were  church  members,  and  practically  all, 
regular  attendants  on  its  services. 


132  Persecution  by  High-Class  Adolescents. 

Some  of  their  number  who  looked  upon  a fairie  as  neces- 
sarily a monster  of  wickedness  — for  why  otherwise  would 
the  law  place  upon  his  sexual  conduct  a penalty  of  ten 
years  in  state’s  prison?  — gave  me  several  severe  thrash- 
ings, so  that  I always  visited  the  Square  in  great  fear,  but 
took  the  risk  for  the  affection  that  I had  for  those  who 
were  glad  to  have  me  talk  and  coquet  with  them. 

The  following  was  my  extreme  suffering  at  their  hands: 
I happened  to  be  one  evening  seated  alone  on  a park  bench. 
Several  of  my  enemies  discovered  and  surrounded  me. 
Very  much  frightened  I attempted  to  leave,  but  they  would 
not  permit  it.  They  stuck  pins  into  me,  inflicted  slight 
burns  with  lighted  matches,  and  pinched  me  unmercifully, 
particularly  the  penis.  There  were  policemen  within  hail- 
ing distance,  but  I was  told  I would  be  arrested  if  I called 
for  help.  I was  entirely  innocent,  but  the  police  would 
have  believed  the  false  testimony  against  me  of  a half- 
dozen  accusers.  When  satisfied  with  wreaking  their  ven- 
geance, they  turned  me  over  to  a policeman  with  charges, 
but  he  simply  ordered  me  out  of  the  park.  Seemingly  the 
higher  the  standard  of  morality  of  adolescents  as  at  pres- 
ent trained,  the  greater  the  physical  violence  that  they  in- 
flict on  fairies.  One  lecturer  to  students  on  personal 
purity  whom  I heard  counselled  his  adolescent  hearers  to 
give  a blow  in  the  face  to  any  associate  who  ever  suggested 
homosexuality. 

I wish  here  to  emphasize  the  fact  that  there  would  be 
no  risk  of  the  spread  of  homosexual  practices  through  the 
removal  of  the  legal  penalties  attached  to  them  and  the 
consequent  removal,  at  least  in  large  part,  of  the  practice 


Anti-Invert  Laws  Worse  Than  Useless.  133 

of  our  best  adolescents  in  beating  up  and  torturing  an- 
drogynes because  the  latter  are  outlaws.  Almost  exclu- 
sively, those  addicted  by  birth  to  these  relations  — re- 
garded by  the  normal  males  as  highly  unaesthetic  — and 
largely  irresponsible  for  their  conduct,  can  alone  occasion 
these  so-called  “ crimes.”  What  is  the  use  then  of  laws 
against  practices  really  harmless  to  society  and  to  the 
adolescent  — while  perhaps  harmful  to  the  invert  to  the 
same  degree  that  marital  relations  are  harmful  to  a wife 
and  mother  — and  occasioned  alone  by  those  who  are 
driven  by  an  innate  impulse,  often  uncontrollable?  The 
law  does  not  imprison  deaf-mutes  for  being  born  with  ab- 
normal inner  ears,  and  why  should  it  imprison  members  of 
this  other  congenitally  defective  class?  The  invert  asks 
only  for  the  same  standing  before  the  law  accorded  all 
other  men.  But  as  law  and  custom  always  make  special 
exemptions  for  the  congenitally  defective,  perhaps  it  would 

be  right  to  show  special  mercy  to  the  invert. 

******** 

One  evening  at  the  close  of  about  eighteen  months  of 
my  avocation  as  a Fourteenth  Street  “ street-walker,”  I 
was  promenading  up  and  down.  Now  and  then  some 
habitue  of  the  district  would  recognize  me,  stop,  and  flirt 
for  a few  minutes.  Finally  I encountered  a party  of  six 
adolescents.  Four  had  never  met  me  previously,  yet  all 
talked  in  a most  free  and  unrestrained,  as  well  as  indecent 
manner.  After  a while,  one  proposed  that  I accompany 
him  to  his  room. 

“ I am  afraid  those  other  fellows  will  follow  us  and 


hurt  me.” 


134 


Farewell  Night  to  Fourteenth  Street. 


“ They  are  all  friends  of  yours.” 

“ I am  not  so  sure  about  that.  You  know  some  fellows 
hate  a fairie,  and  some  of  those  boys  appear  very  heart- 
less. You  saw  how  rough  they  were  to  me  right  on  the 
street!  If  they  should  try  to  hurt  me,  would  you  fight 
for  me?  ” 

“ Of  course.” 

“How  could  you  alone  fight  against  five  fellows?” 

“ Well,  I would  do  the  best  I could,  and  depend  on  you 
to  help  me.” 

“ Don’t  think  of  depending  on  me.  You  know  a girl 
can’t  fight.  All  a girl  can  do  when  fellows  fight  is  to  look 
on.” 

“You  could  at  least  scream,  couldn’t  you?” 

“ Yes,  I could  scream.” 

“ Well,  you  do  the  screaming,  and  I’ll  do  the  fighting.” 

A few  minutes  after  we  arrived  in  the  young  man’s 
quarters  in  a furnished-room  house,  the  other  five  burst  in. 
They  proved  to  be  as  heartless  a gang  as  I had  ever  met, 
although  belonging  to  the  prosperous  class  of  society. 
Micturiverunt  super  meis  vestibus  atque  me  coegerunt 
facere  rem  mihi  horribilissimam  (balneum  ani  cum  lingua, 
non  aliter  quam  meretrices  faciunt).  Me  coegerunt  reci- 
pere.  tres  eodem  tempore,  fellatio,  paedicatio,  atque  man- 
ustupratio.  Ultimum  mihi  imperatum  cum  adolescens  non 
potuit  facere  inter  femora  eodem  tempore.  Later  one 
who  had  difficulty  in  achieving  the  desired  results  me  coegit 
ad  fellationem  unam  semihoram  continuously,  repeatedly 
punching  me  in  the  head  and  face  because  I did  not  do 
better  by  him.  Again  for  a half  hour  continuously  me 


One  of  the  Worst  Assaults. 


135 


coegerunt  ut  supinum  cubem  atque  usi  erunt  ore  meo  sicuti 
cunno,  sic  me  strangulantes  horribiliter.  Cum  priapus 
concurreret  meas  dentes,  they  would  punch  me  in  the  face, 
atque  mandabant  ut  desisterem  eos  mordere. 

This  was  one  of  my  three  very  worst  experiences  of 
sexual  abuse.  The  physical  suffering  and  discomfort 
were  extreme,  but  I was  so  fascinated  by  the  savagery  and 
the  beauty  of  my  tormentors  that  I experienced  a species 
of  mental  satisfaction,  being  willing  to  suffer  death  if 
only  I could  contribute  to  their  pleasure.  During  my 
career  I had  numerous  experiences,  but  much  less  trying, 
along  this  same  line.  A fairie  is  often  thus  treated  by 
cruel,  lecherous  adolescents,  since  they  know  he  is  an  out- 
law and  can  not  bring  them  to  justice. 

Their  lechery  finally  satiated,  one  of  them  stuck  a hand- 
kerchief into  my  mouth,  and  said:  “Do  you  know  you 

are  worse  than  a hog?  You  d fairie,  going  around 

to  corrupt  young  fellows!  We  will  teach  you  to  keep 
away  from  Fourteenth  Street  hereafter  ! ” Another  cried: 
“ You’ve  got  to  let  me  have  first  whack  at  him ! ” 

I was  conducted  to  a dark,  deserted  street,  where  one 
of  them  rained  violent  blows  in  my  face,  while  I did  noth- 
ing except  to  seek  to  protect  my  features  as  much  as  pos- 
sible with  my  hands.  Finally  it  occurred  to  me  to  feign 
unconsciousness  — my  first  adoption  of  this  ruse  — when 
they  all  hurried  away. 

Only  through  the  special  mercy  of  an  overruling  Provi- 
dence I was  saved  from  permanent  injury  that  night,  and 
on  several  other  subsequent  nights  of  my  career  as  a fairie. 
During  my  Mulberry  Street  career  I never  received  the 


136 


Serious  Assaults. 


least  blow,  and  during  my  years  of  association  with  hun- 
dreds of  soldiers  of  four  forts,  I never  received  a blow 
deserving  of  mention.  But  I was  seriously  assaulted 
three  times  by  soldiers  of  a fifth  fort,  several  times  by 
Stuyvesant  Square  acquaintances,  several  times  by  ac- 
quaintances of  my  Bowery  period,  and  only  the  one  time 
just  described,  by  Fourteenth  Street  acquaintances.  A 
certain  class  of  adolescents,  regarding  the  conduct  of  a 
fairie  as  the  depth  of  depravity,  yearn  to  lay  violent  hands 
on  him. 

I was  compelled  immediately  after  the  assault  described 
to  have  my  wounds  dressed  by  a physician.  On  sub- 
sequently arriving  in  my  room,  I followed  my  universal 
custom  after  a return  from  a female-impersonation  spree: 
that  is,  the  first  thing  I did  was  to  fall  on  my  knees  and 
thank  the  Omnipresent,  All-pervading  Spirit,  that  I had 
been  permitted  to  see  home  again  and  resume  for  a season 
the  ordinary  course  of  my  life  as  a scholar.  But  after 
retiring,  I could  not  sleep,  but  tossed  about  all  night  in  a 
half-waking  delirium.  Every  moment  it  seemed  as  if  I 
would  become  a raving  maniac.  I moaned  repeatedly,  and 
called  upon  God  to  show  mercy  and  deliver  me  from  my 
mental  agony. 

Is  it  just  that  inoffensive  inverts  should  be  subjected  to 
such  outrages,  and  have  no  redress?  A confidant,  with 
whom  I discussed  proceedings  against  these  conscienceless 
young  men,  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that  the  court  would  im- 
mediately turn  around  and  make  me  — who,  if  I must  say 
it  myself,  have  always  been  unusually  conscientious  not- 
withstanding my  sensuality  — the  defendant  against  the 


Incognito  Adventures  Practically  Inevitable.  137 

most  serious  charges.  (This  practically  happened  in 
1905.)  What  other  class  of  men  is  treated  thus  by  the 
law  and  public  opinion? 

The  reader  may  reply:  “ If  they  don’t  want  to  suffer 
in  this  way,  let  them  stay  home  and  keep  away  from  people 
who  deal  thus  with  them.”  But  inverts  often  have  to  fol- 
low their  own  nature,  although  they  have  striven  hard  to 
act  according  to  the  nature  of  the  majority  of  men.  With 
the  present  organization  of  society,  and  the  present  ex- 
treme scorn  manifested  toward  victims  of  inversion,  it  is 
only  natural,  and  almost  necessary,  if  inverts  desire  to 
preserve  the  respect  of  their  every-day  circles,  that  they 
should  visit  incognito  some  section  of  a great  city  remote 
from  their  own.  Suppose  in  a war  between  two  tribes  of 
red  men,  a brave  is  captured,  consigned  to  adopt  the  dress 
and  occupation  of  a squaw,  and  is  in  every  way  treated 
as  a squaw.  Would  this  unnatural  life  be  to  the  brave’s 
tastes?  Would  he  be  blamed  if  he  sought  to  escape  where 
he  could  live  according  to  his  masculine  inclinations?  No 
more  is  the  passive  invert  to  be  blamed  for  escaping  occa- 
sionally where  he  can  live  according  to  his  quasi-feminine 
instincts. 

The  remedy  lies  in  the  dissemination  of  just  and  correct 
views  of  inversion,  the  removal  of  the  deepseated  but  ill 
founded  prejudice  against  individuals  thus  marked  by 
Nature  which  is  regnant  in  all  classes  of  society,  and  the 
repeal  of  the  unjustified  laws  against  inverts,  which  more 
than  anything  else  account  for  the  unthinking  man’s  per- 
secution of  these  stepchildren  of  Nature.  Then  like  the 
red-man  androgyne,  his  cultured  counterpart  can,  with- 


138 


Period  of  Monandry. 


out  losing  his  economic  and  social  position,  choose  a 
mate  from  among  his  every-day  circle.  As  long  as  he  is 
outwardly  modest  and  chaste,  he  should  receive  only  com- 
miseration and  condonation  for  his  homosexuality. 

For  a week  following  the  assault  described,  my  terribly 
disfigured  face  confined  me  to  my  room.  When  somewhat 
healed,  I was  compelled  to  give  my  every-day  circle  a false 
explanation.  For  several  weeks  I felt  only  hatred  for  all 
adolescent  libertines.  At  the  end  of  that  period  I chanced 
to  witness  a youthful  artilleryman  reeling  around  a ferry 
waiting-room.  Fascinated,  I entered  into  conversation, 
told  him  I was  an  invert,  and  requested  quasi-permanent 
monandry.  His  exact  words  were:  “With  all  mv 
heart.” 

I began  to  frequent  one  evening  a week  the  fort  where 
he  was  stationed,  but  we  disclosed  to  no  one  that  I was 
other  than  an  ordinary  young  man.  I was,  moreover,  so 
fascinated  with  him  that  I did  not  seriously  consider  flirta- 
tion with  his  comrades.  We  exchanged  numerous  pas- 
sionate love  letters  — my  first  essay,  in  this  field.  I was 
also  now  inspired  to  compose  my  first  amatory  ballads, 
which  were  in  praise  of  my  “ Man  behind  the  guns,”  and 
transmitted  to  him. 

Our  intimacy  continued  for  several  months,  until,  having 
become  an  outcast  and  penniless,  I was  unable  to  make  him 
presents,  and  he  consequently  became  negligent  in  keeping 
his  appointments. 

During  this  year  1896,  I read  KrafFt-Ebing’s  “ Psycho- 
pathia-Sexualis,”  besides  a number  of  articles  on  inversion 
which  had  been  published  in  American  and  European  jour- 


My  Twenly-Third  Year. 


139 


nals.  I availed  myself  of  the  library  of  the  New  York 
Acadamy  of  Medicine.  Some  years  later  I read  there 
Havelock  Ellis’s  “ Sexual  Inversion.” 

This  autobiography  has  now  reached  my  twenty-third 
year.  I had  received  my  baccalaureate  degree  with  hon- 
ors, and  was  in  my  second  year  of  graduate  study.  I had 
not  really  degenerated  morally  or  religiously.  For  the 
entire  year  ending  at  the  date  at  which  I had  now  arrived, 
the  aggregate  time  devoted  to  female  impersonation  and 
coquetry  was  approximately  one  hundred  hours,  as  com- 
pared with  about  twenty-one  hundred  devoted  to  my 
studies  and  two  hundred  and  fifty  to  the  worship  of  my 
Creator  and  religious  culture.  Surely  I was  not  to  be 
tabooed  as  a moral  leper.  While  the  average  church 
member,  through  lack  of  understanding  of  the  conditions 
surrounding  my  life,  would  have  branded  me  as  a hypo- 
crite, I sincerely  believed  and  lived  up  to  the  fundamental 
truths  of  the  Christian  religion. 

I still  enjoyed  an  unblemished  reputation.  I asso- 
ciated with  all  my  beaux,  including  my  soldier  friend, 
incognito.  Always  on  returning  home  after  an  evening 
passed  as  “ Jennie  June,”  I took  precautions  that  I was 
not  followed. 

The  wreck  of  my  happy  and  highly  successful  student- 
career  was  now  brought  about  by  a physician  whom  I had 
consulted  in  hope  of  a cure  for  my  inversion,  but  not  one 
of  the  two  gentlemen  already  named.  He  happened  to 
number  the  president  of  the  university  among  his  friends, 
and  whispered  to  him  that  I ought  not  to  be  continued  as 
a student.  I was  immediately  expelled. 


140 


Expelled  from  University. 


I earned  my  living  in  a minor  capacity  in  the  univer- 
sity, and  expulsion  also  meant  that  my  income  was  cut 
off.  The  shock  of  expulsion  rendered  me  a mental  wreck. 
But  I did  not  have  the  courage  to  return  to  my  vil- 
lage home.  Nor  could  I even  apply  to  my  father  for 
money.  Since  soon  after  my  arrest  two  years  prior  to 
the  present  date,  he  had,  as  already  described,  displayed 
a pronounced  antipathy  for  me,  rendering  my  visits  home 
almost  intolerable.  In  addition,  because  of  the  double- 
life my  nature  forced  me  to  lead,  I decided  I must  remain 
in  New  York. 

I removed  to  a part  of  the  city  where  I would  not  be 
likely  to  encounter  any  of  my  college  acquaintances,  and 
began  to  look  around  for  means  of  support.  I spent  sev- 
eral hours  every  day  in  answering  advertisements.  I 
would  have  been  only  too  glad  to  accept  such  a position 
as  shoveling  coal  into  a furnace,  but  at  the  end  of  a 
month,  had  found  nothing.  In  applying  for  positions,  I 
was  abashed  in  the  consciousness  that  I was  ranked  as  a 
degenerate  and  an  outcast  from  society.  I could  not 
name  as  reference  any  member  of  the  university  or  let  it 
become  known  that  I had  been  a student  there.  After  my 
expulsion  I called  on  the  two  professors  with  whom  I 
was  most  intimate,  and  asked  if  I could  refer  to  them. 
One  replied:  “ Knowing  your  nature,  I could  not  recom- 
mend you  for  any  position,  however  menial.  You  cannot 
be  trusted.”  (And  yet  shortly  afterward  I was  for  thirty 
months  in  the  employ  of  a millionaire  in  the  most  confi- 
dential capacity,  and  was  surpassed  in  faithfulness  by  no 
employee.)  The  other:  “You  must  realize  that  you 


An  Outcast  from  Society. 


141 


are  an  outcast  from  society.” 

All  hope  for  the  future  and  all  courage  for  battling 
with  the  world  were  gone,  and  every  day  on  my  return 
from  several  hours’  fruitless  search,  I would  throw  myself 
on  the  bed  and  give  vent  to  my  feelings  in  a violent  fit  of 
weeping.  While  walking  the  street,  I would  weep  aloud 
and  be  on  the  borderline  of  hysterical  screaming.  I re- 
peatedly entertained  thoughts  of  suicide. 

In  a few  weeks  I was  penniless  and  a shelterless  wan- 
derer on  the  streets  in  midwinter.  I was  driven  for  shel- 
ter to  the  Bowery,  because  there  alone  lodging  could  be 
obtained  for  fifteen  cents,  and  a big  meal  of  coarse  and 
even  disgusting  food  for  ten  cents.  Thus  I was  compelled 
to  live  for  nine  weeks  before  a way  was  opened  to  some- 
thing better. 

During  the  nine  weeks  I was  of  the  opinion  that  I must 
pass  the  rest  of  my  days  as  an  outcast  from  society, 
while  of  course  living  out  the  “ Jennie-June  ” life  to  which 
I was  apparently  predestined.  I was  grateful  to  Provi- 
dence that  it  was  I and  not  one  of  my  sisters  who  was 
predetermined  to  the  life  of  a fille  de  joie  and  an  outcast. 
In  suffering  such  a fate,  I believed  that  I was  paying  the 
penalty  to  God  for  the  sin  of  some  progenitor.  I be- 
lieved myself  appointed  by  the  God  who  visits  the  iniqui- 
ties of  the  fathers  upon  the  children  to  live  out  the  rest 
of  my  life  in  mourning  and  paroxysms  of  grief,  such  as 
then  visited  me  every  day. 

The  manner  of  life  of  a high-class  fairie  has  been  de- 
scribed. I was  fated  also  to  trace  out  the  life  of  a low- 
class  one.  But  even  in  my  present  extreme  poverty,  I 


142  Year  1896  — I Become  a Low-Class  Fairie. 


was  decidedly  averse  to  making  a gainful  occupation  out 
of  the  life.  I wanted  my  freedom  of  action,  and  was 
unalterably  opposed  to  intimacy  for  pecuniary  gain  with 
any  one  whom  I did  not  adore.  During  the  present  nine 
weeks  I accepted  whatever  was  voluntarily  proffered,  but 
otherwise  left  money  entirely  out  of  consideration.  I 
moreover  did  not  resume  my  Fourteenth  Street  life,  which 
might  have  proved  less  impecunious,  because  it  was  com- 
paratively “ poor  pickings  ” there ; because  I was  much 
more  strongly  attracted  toward  the  rough,  burly  adoles- 
cents of  the  foreign  laborer  quarters  than  toward  the 
young  gentleman  libertines  of  Fourteenth  Street;  and 
finally  because  I had  twice  encountered  on  Fourteenth 
Street  associates  at  the  university.  Fortunately  I hap- 
pened to  be  alone  both  times  and  my  actions  not  sus- 
picious, but  I realized  I was  taking  a great  deal  of  risk 
there.  Moreover,  I did  not  return  regularly  to  my  Mul- 
berry Street  friends  because  I now  found  on  my  occa- 
sional visits  there  that  it  was  a barren  “ stamping 
ground.”  The  tradition  was  lodged  there  that  I was  well 
furnished  with  money,  which  reputation  is  fatal  to  the 
success  of  a penniless  fairie. 

Living  as  I was  now  compelled  to  live  and  necessarily 
mingling  daily  with  men  of  loose  morals,  the  charm  of 
masculine  beauty  proved  more  powerful  than  ever  before. 
Furthermore,  it  is  not  surprising  that  a person,  deprived 
of  even  what  are  regarded  as  the  necessities  of  a decent 
existence,  should  indulge  immoderately  in  the  single  one 
of  life’s  pleasures  of  which  there  was  an  abundant  supply. 
In  the  environment  in  which  forces  outside  of  my  control 


I Touch  Bottom. 


143 


placed  me,  there  was  in  me  a practically  irresistible  im- 
pulse to  adopt  the  manner  of  life  I did.  I would  never 
have  made  the  profession  of  the  fairie  the  main  business 
of  life  if  it  had  not  been  for  the  peculiar  concurrence 
of  circumstances,  expulsion  from  college,  inability  to  find 
respectable  employment,  etc.  That  I now  led  the  life  I 
did  was  perhaps  more  the  fault  of  Christian  society  than 
my  own.  While  the  world  condemned,  I have  always  be- 
lieved that  the  Omniscient  Judge  pardoned  because  I was 
the  victim  of  circumstances  and  of  innate  psychical  forces. 

The  fact  that  I could  now  satisfy  every  day  my  in- 
stinctive yearnings  to  pass  for  a female  and  spend  six 
evenings  a week  in  the  company  of  adolescent  ruffians 
went  far  towards  counterbalancing  the  many  tears  I had 
to  shed  when  there  was  nothing  to  divert  my  thoughts 
from  my  condition  of  an  outcast  and  an  outlaw.  I never 
coquetted  on  Sunday  evenings,  which  I devoted  to  worship 
of  my  Creator  at  some  mission.  I no  longer  experienced 
any  shame  at  displaying  my  feminine  mentality  every- 
where outside  of  the  missions,  as  no  one  knew  who  I was. 
In  many  neighborhoods  I was  hailed  as  “ Jennie  June.” 

Besides  the  Bowei*3T,  the  streets  most  frequented  by  me 
during  these  nine  weeks  — as  well  as  during  the  not  imme- 
diately following  two  years  when  I was  compelled  to  go  on 
a female-impersonation  spree  once  in  two  weeks  — were 
the  following:  (1)  In  the  foreign  Hebrew  quarter: 
Grand,  from  Bowery  eastward  to  Allen,  and  Allen  and 
Christie,  for  several  blocks  on  both  sides  of  Grand.  (2) 
In  the  foreign  Italian  quarter,  containing  also  a large 
sprinkling  of  Irish  immigrants : Grand,  from  Bowery 


144  My  Then  “Stamping  Ground 

westward  to  Sullivan  and  Thompson ; the  whole  lengths  of 
the  two  latter  streets ; Bleecker  from  Thompson  to  Car- 
mine; and  Mulberry  south  of  Spring.  (3)  In  China- 
town: Doyers,  Pell,  and  Mott  streets.  I did  not  seek 
the  Chinese,  who  were  sexually  repulsive,  but  the  adoles- 
cent toughs  and  young  gentleman  libertines  who  visited 
Chinatown  evenings  from  all  parts  of  the  city. 

The  present  palatial  Police  Headquarters,  built  subse- 
quently to  my  frequenting  these  neighborhoods,  is  at  the 
geographical  center  of  my  field  of  those  days.  My  fairie 
apprenticeship  was  in  large  part  passed  within  two  hun- 
dred feet  of  the  site  of  this  edifice,  then  occupied  by  a 
public  market,  and  some  of  my  fairie  adventures  occurred 
on  the  very  site. 

With  the  exception  of  the  soldiers  and  sailors,  prac- 
tically all  my  beaux  of  these  neighborhoods  were  of  for- 
eign parentage,  but  born  in  New  York.  The  Irish  pre- 
dominated, then  came  the  Italians,  and  then  the  Hebrews. 
Practically  all  belonged  to  one  of  these  classes,  as  did 
nearly  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  quarters  frequented. 
But  my  experience  as  a fairie  elsewhere,  particularly  over 
a large  part  of  Europe,  proved  that  religion  and  race 
make  no  difference  in  respect  to  the  reception  accorded  an 
invert. 

Since  I had  lost  my  position  in  the  social  body,  I was 
willing  to  take  greater  risks  of  bodily  harm.  I would  en- 
ter low  “ clubrooms  ” with  several  wild  heartless  ruffians 
whom  perhaps  I had  never  seen  before.  Many  a mid- 
night I was  promenading  the  street  arm  in  arm  with  a 
pair  of  adolescent  longshoremen  cutthroats  whom  I had 


Continuous  Blackmail. 


145 


never  seen  before,  or  with  youthful  soldiers  or  sailors. 
Even  some  youthful  policemen  went  skylarking  with  me 
on  the  back  streets  after  all  the  inhabitants  had  gone  to 
bed.  Most  of  the  police  on  the  Bowery  knew  me  as  a 
fairie,  but  were  always  friendly.  This  street  at  that  time 
■was  the  wide-open  “ red-light  ” district  for  the  un-Amer- 
icanized  laborer  and  for  the  common  soldier  or  sailor. 

When  I felt  feeble  and  fatigued  — then  my  usual  con- 
dition — flirtation  quickened  the  heart’s  action  and  the 
flow  of  blood.  I forgot  my  weariness,  and  if  shivering 
with  the  cold  before,  my  body  now  glowed  with  warmth. 

Incorrigible  thieves,  who  had  only  just  learned  that  I 
was  a fairie,  have  immediately  grasped  me  on  a brightly 
lighted  street  thronged  with  pedestrians,  and  ransacked 
my  pockets,  while  clasping  me  to  their  breast  and  crying 
out : “ Oh  how  she  loves  me ! Oh  how  she  loves  me ! ” 

Their  purpose  was  to  create  the  impression  on  those  who 
were  hurrying  by  that  I was  embracing  them.  Some 
adolescent  ruffians  demanded  money  every  time  they  ran 
across  me,  and  helped  themselves  to  all  I had  if  I refused 
them.  If  they  found  nothing,  they  would  sometimes  beat 
me  in  their  disappointment.  Some  would  promise  me  a 
beating  when  we  next  met  unless  I brought  them  a stipu- 
lated sum. 

Occasionally  boys  hardly  in  their  teens  would  demand 
blackmail.  I Mas  entirely  innocent  of  even  carrying  on 
conversation  writh  them,  but  they  kneMr  me  through  the 
adolescents  of  their  neighborhood.  The  charges  of  these 
mere  boys,  though  entirely  false,  were  feared  much  more 
than  those  of  adults,  because  it  would  have  been  a far 


146 


Chronic  Overwhelming  Fear. 


more  serious  offence  to  have  had  anything  to  do  with 
those  of  tender  years.  Being  no  match  for  me  in  size, 
these  boys  had  to  resort  to  various  expedients  to  extort 
money.  They  would  sometimes  attack  me  five  or  six  to- 
gether. Words  cannot  depict  my  terror  on  being  thus 
attacked.  The  boys  had  their  parents  near  to  take  their 
part,  while  I had  not  a soul  to  appeal  to  for  help  and  to 
establish  my  innocence.  I feared  that  all  the  ignorant 
foreign  population  would  rise  up  against  me,  and  in  their 
wrath,  kill  me. 

If  a mere  boy  attacked  me  single-handed,  he  would 
suddenly  leap  upon  my  back,  hold  himself  there  by  throw- 
ing one  arm  tight  around  my  neck  so  that  I could  not  dis- 
lodge him,  and  if  I ran,  had  to  carry  him  along;  and  with 
the  hand  that  was  free,  he  would  rain  blows  on  me.  To 
escape  from  such  a predicament,  I was  glad  to  give  him  a 
few  nickels. 

Naturally  as  timid  as  the  cry-baby  species  of  woman,  I 
always  promenaded  the  dimly  lighted  side  streets  of  these 
foreign  quarters  like  a cat  crossing  a road,  ever  alert, 
ever  halting  to  reconnoitre,  and  occasionally  compelled  to 
take  to  my  heels  on  catching  sight  of  the  burly  form,  a 
dozen  yards  away,  of  a ruffian  who  never  cared  for  my 
society,  but  who,  because  of  innate  loathing  of  a fairie  — 
nourished  by  the  statutes’  making  the  latter  an  outlaw  — 
beat  and  robbed  me  at  every  opportunity.  It  was  similar 
with  young  men  not  attractive  to  me,  to  whom  I had  re- 
fused my  company.  Through  being  as  swift  of  foot  as  a 
gazelle,  I escaped  many  blows.  If  flight  were  impossible, 
I would  try  entreaty.  If  entreaty  failed,  I would  resort 


Typical  Night  on  Bowery. 


147 


to  ruse.  Knocked  down  by  a sledge-hammer  blow,  I 
would  feign  insensibility,  and  in  all  but  one  instance  that 
ended  the  beating. 

Is  it  any  wonder  that  generally  before  starting  out  for 
a ramble  on  the  side  streets,  I felt  as  if  I were  going  forth 
to  meet  death  on  the  scaffold?  But  I was  fascinated  by 
the  adolescents  who  spent  their  evenings  on  these  streets, 
and  who  had  previously  given  me  their  company,  and  I 
was  hoping  to  meet  them  again.  I was  also  led  on  by  the 
craze  for  as  many  as  possible  every  evening.  Maximum 
erat  octo ; modus,  duo  aut  tres. 

On  the  Bowery  itself,  soldiers  and  sailors  were  my  spe- 
cial quest.  As  already  indicated,  these  two  types  were  to 
me  the  beau  ideal  of  masculine  beauty.  I outline  one  of 
my  most  successful  nights. 

jit  * lit  at  -it  at  ik  at 

V *T»  TJv  Tfv  TfC 

I encounter  four  stalwart  artillerymen  of  about  my 
own  age.  I am  bewitched  and  must  find  some  way  to 
make  their  acquaintance  immediately.  I would  not  take 
the  risk  of  indecently  accosting  them  as  girls  commonly 
did  on  the  Bowery  at  that  time.  I adopted  the  expedient 
of  walking  along  under  their  noses  on  the  crowded  side- 
walk, swaying  my  shoulders  energetically  and  taking 
very  short  steps.  In  a few  seconds  they  shouted  out, 
“ Hello  Pretty ! ” surrounded  me,  and  overwhelmed  me 
with  terms  of  endearment,  while  I begged  them  to  take  me 
to  be  their  baby  and  slave.  A room  is  secured  for  an 
hour.  When  the  time  came  to  part,  I was  pained  at  the 
thought.  It  was  hard  for  a moment  or  an  hour  to  possess 
the  society  of  a human  demigod  whom  one  would  like  to 


148 


Sample  of  Conversation. 


abide  with  and  worship  and  serve  forever,  and  then  to  be 
abruptly,  completely,  and  eternally  separated.  Re- 
turned to  the  street,  they  repeatedly  request  me  to  leave 
them.  Arrived  at  their  objective,  a low  dance-hall,  they 
are  compelled  to  use  threats  of  violence,  and  abandon  me 
at  the  entrance. 

Two  flashily  dressed  adolescents  emerge.  They  halt  in 
order  to  light  cigarettes  but  And  they  have  no  matches. 
I offer  some,  welcoming  the  opportunity  to  enter  into  con- 
versation. “ You  are  handsome,  sporty-looking  fellows. 
I cannot  tell  y&u  how  much  I adore  you.” 

“What’s  here?  A fairie?  ” 

“ Yes,  I’m  a fairie,  and  I would  like  to  be  a slave  to 
sports  like  you.  Don’t  this  fellow  look  every  inch  a slug- 
ger? How  I worship  sluggers!” 

“You  do,  do  you?  Do  you  want  to  take  a walk  with 
us?” 

“ Delighted.  I was  just  crying  because  some  soldiers 
shook  me,  but  making  your  acquaintance  brings  me  hap- 
piness again,  because  you  are  wild  young  bloods.” 

“What  do  you  see  in  a fellow  to  love  any  way?  I 
don’t  see  anything.  What  good  do  you  get  out  of  loving 
a fellow?  ” 

“ Well,  what  do  you  see  in  a girl  to  love?  I don’t  see 
anything.  Girls  are  not  brave.  They  are  not  rough. 
They  are  not  strong.  You  are  brave,  rough,  and  strong, 
and  that  is  why  I love  you.  I love  fellows  for  the  same 
reason  you  love  girls  — because  they  are  my  opposites. 
The  weak  love  the  strong  and  the  strong,  the  weak.  The 
brave  love  the  timid  and  the  timid,  the  brave.  The  shy 
love  the  bold  and  the  bold,  the  shy. 


Sample  of  Numerous  Robberies. 


149 


I love  a boy 
Because  I’m  coy; 

It  would  be  wrong 
Not  to  love  the  strong; 

In  the  fierce  and  rough 
I find  the  right  stuff ; 

The  gallant  and  brave 
They  make  me  rave; 

While  the  reckless  and  bold 

Are  better  than  gold.” 

I always  sought  by  sprightly  conversation  to  win  the 
good-will  of  chance  companions,  but  a small  proportion 
were  incorrigible.  As  soon  as  we  arrived  on  a dark  de- 
serted street,  one  of  the  young  men  said:  “ Do  you  know 
I am  a detective,  and  I arrest  you  for  accosting  us.  But 
if  you’ll  hand  me  a dollar,  I will  let  you  off  this  time.” 
(Impersonating  a detective  is  a common  practice  in  rob- 
bing fairies.) 

“ I haven’t  that  much,  and  you  wouldn’t  take  from  a 
poor  unfortunate  the  few  cents  he  has,  would  you?  ” 

“ Hand  over  all  you’ve  got!  You’ll  find  you  have  run 
up  against  a hard  party ! ” 

“ You  ought  not  to  hit  me  like  that,  because  I’m  a girl. 
A fellow  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  hit  a girl.” 

“ You’re  no  girl,  you  ! ” adding  the  appropriate  vulgar 
epithet. 

“ I am  too.  I can  take  you  to  a doctor  and  prove  it  by 
his  word.  I am  a girl  incarnated  in  a boy’s  body.” 

For  fear  of  a pummeling,  I handed  over  all  I had,  less 
than  a dollar. 


150 


Excessive  Venery  Very  Harmful. 


“ I am  undecided  what  to  do  with  you,  lock  you  up,  or 
give  you  a thrashing,  you  d fairie!  ” 

“ Please  let  me  go ! I am  very  weak  and  can’t  stand 
much.  You  want  to  punish  me  for  being  a fairie,  but  I 
can’t  help  being  what  Nature  made  me.  Do  you  think 
any  one  would  be  a fairie  from  choice  when  they  are  the 
most  despised  of  mankind?  Think  how  much  better  God 
has  been  to  you  than  to  me.  Plave  pity  on  me ! I am 
one  of  the  most  unfortunate  of  human  beings!  For  your 
dear  mother’s  sake  — whom  every  boy  must  love  — I beg 
you  to  show  me  mercy ! ” 

An  appeal  to  mother-love  seldom  failed.  I return  to 
the  dance-hall  and  enter.  My  soldier  friends  are  nowhere 
to  be  seen,  so  I take  a seat  among  a group  of  blue-jackets 
of  my  own  age,  and  am  not  slow  in  betraying  my  char- 
acter through  expressions  of  my  admiration.  A room  is 
hired. 

It  was  after  three  a.  m.  when  I sought  rest.  But  my 
brain  was  so  excited  that  I tossed  about  for  two  hours, 
having  alternately  chills  for  five  minutes,  and  then  fever. 
I felt  that  I was  going  to  lose  my  mind  any  moment,  and 
besought  the  Omniscient  to  allay  my  excitement.  I had 
gone  beyond  my  strength,  and  in  addition  the  excessive 
venery  was  harmful  to  the  nervous  system.  After  five 
o’clock,  I repeatedly  fell  into  a doze,  but  immediately  be- 
ginning to  dream  that  my  face  and  buccal  cavity  were 
covered  with  the  most  loathsome  syphilitic  ulcers  — such 
as  a university  confidant  had  once  told  me  he  had  seen  in 
a hospital,  falsely,  in  order  to  scare  me  from  fellatio  with 
strangers  — I would  awake  with  a start,  horror-stricken. 


Typical  Night  on  Side  Street. 


151 


After  suffering  this  nightmare  a dozen  times,  I finally  fell 

into  a restful  sleep  lasting  until  early  afternoon. 

******** 

A typieal  night  on  the  side  streets : On  Canal  Street 
near  Thompson  was  a pool  parlor  where  acquaintances 
of  the  highest  type  for  this  period  of  my  life  — in  large 
part  adolescent  drivers  for  the  express  companies  — 
passed  their  evenings.  While  I was  received  in  pool  par- 
lors of  a lower  grade,  my  presence  would  have  been  un- 
welcome here.  One  evening  I was  loafing  in  front  of  the 
place,  waiting  for  some  acquaintance  to  pass.  Before 
long  I was  recognized,  my  presence  announced  to  those 
within,  and  all  temporarily  interrupted  their  games  to 
crowd  around  me.  The  majority  had  never  seen  me  be- 
fore, and  were  anxious  to  interview  the  person  who  was 
then  the  talk  of  the  young  “ sports  ” of  that  part  of  the 
town,  as  well  as  of  many  other  parts.  Even  in  the  for- 
eign-laborer quarters  of  New  York  City,  it  is  rare  for  a 
young  man  to  run  across  a professional  fairie  - — as  they 
constitute  as  near  as  I can  guess  only  one  out  of  every 
three  thousand  physical  males  — and  furthermore,  I have 
been  repeatedly  told  that  I acted  the  part  in  such  perfec- 
tion as  never  seen  in  any  other. 

Question  after  question  was  addressed  to  me:  How 
did  I ever  get  it  into  my  head  that  I was  a girl?  Why 
had  I been  born  that  way?  Was  it  because  my  parents 
had  indulged  shortly  before  I was  born,  so  that  membrum 
virile  concurreret  meam  faciem?  Wasn’t  it  because  God 
wished  to  visit  upon  me  some  sin  of  my  parents?  (Prac- 
tically all  were  more  or  less  devout  Roman  Catholics.) 


152  Occasionally  Told  Story  of  Life. 

Were  any  of  my  brothers  similarly  affected?  Had  I ever 
had  relations  with  a woman?  At  what  age  did  the  pecu- 
liar desire  show  itself?  Etc.  I gladly  answered  every 
question,  and  told  them  the  story  of  my  life,  only  with 
such  non-essential  variations  from  the  truth  as  my  pro- 
tection demanded. 

All  soon  returned  to  their  games  except  four,  none  of 
whom  I had  ever  met  previously.  I consented  to  take  a 
walk  with  two,  and  insisted  that  the  others  must  leave  us 
because  of  their  age,  only  sixteen.  We  strolled  to  the 
neighboring  absolutely  deserted  shore  of  the  Hudson 
River,  and  took  possession  of  one  of  the  hundreds  of  cov- 
ered trucks  stalled  there  for  the  night.  I soon  discovered 
the  two  that  had  been  left  behind  peeking  into  the  van. 
Startled  for  fear  of  a plot,  I leaped  to  the  ground  in  order 
to  flee.  But  on  their  immediately  starting  in  to  caress 
me,  I fell  at  their  feet  in  adoration.  Both  were  clad  in 
the  blue  uniform  of  express-company  employees,  and 
therefore  presented  a particularly  pleasing  appearance. 

Some  adolescents  — as  these  four  — went  to  extremes 
just  for  the  novelty  of  it,  out  of  curiosity  to  observe  my 
peculiar  nature,  or  to  derive  amusement  through  frolicking 
with  me.  In  some  cases,  subsequently  filled  with  abhor- 
rence that  I would  so  lower  myself  — as  they  looked  upon 
it  — they  would  be  moved  to  inflict  physical  pain,  or  tem- 
porary disfigurement  of  the  face,  which  I shrunk  from  a 
thousand  times  more  than  from  pain. 

After  an  hour  of  such  treatment  as  filled  me  with  bliss, 
a change  of  attitude  began  to  manifest  itself.  Knowing 
by  experience  that  I was  destined  to  suffer,  I watched  my 


A Typical  Chase. 


153 


chance,  unexpectedly  dashed  away  from  them,  and  with 
the  extraordinary  speed  that  I was  capable  of  when 
frightened,  directed  my  course  away  from  the  absolutely 
deserted  river  front.  All  four  immediately  started  in 
pursuit.  The  zig-zag  chase  — for  I turned  at  every  cor- 
ner — extended  more  than  a quarter  of  a mile.  The  ter- 
rifying shouts,  “ Stop  thief ! Stop  thief  ! ” rang  in  my 
ears  throughout  the  course,  and  I as  continuously  prayed 
for  the  help  of  the  Almighty  to  enable  me  to  escape. 
Their  cries,  however,  failed  to  bring  assistance  since  the 
streets  of  this  wholesale  and  warehouse  section  are  at  mid- 
night entirely  deserted. 

I was  at  about  the  end  of  my  endurance,  and  realized 
that  unless  something  unexpected  happened,  I must  in  a 
moment  fall  into  their  hands.  But  a merciful  Providence 
was  about  to  intervene  to  save  a persecuted  outcast  from 
what  promised  to  be  a serious  assault.  I had  just  turned 
the  acute  angle  that  Vestry  Street  makes  with  Canal,  and 
the  nearest  of  my  pursuers  was  only  a hundred  feet 
behind.  Toward  midnight  the  horse  cars  on  Canal  Street 
ran  only  at  fifteen  minute  intervals,  but  at  that  very  second 
one  happened  to  be  jogging  along  only  twenty-five  feet 
from  the  apex  of  the  acute  angle.  I leaped  upon  the 
platform  and  entered  the  car.  If  this  had  happened  in 
sight  of  my  pursuers,  they  would  undoubtedly  have  fol- 
lowed my  example  and  assaulted  me  inside  the  car,  as  hap- 
pened in  another  similar  adventure. 

******** 

On  another  midnight,  as  I was  sauntering  down 
looking  for  company,  I became  infatuated 


154 


In  Darkest  New  York. 


with  a giant  of  a ruffian  seated  on  a hydrant  just  be- 
low   Street.  I began  my  prattle  and  we  soon 

walked  off  together  to  the  neighboring  Park. 

He  appeared  to  be  such  a reckless  character  that  I 
was  afraid  to  accompany  him  off  a public  place,  and 
contented  myself  with  spooning  on  one  of  the  park 
benches.  We  were  soon  joined  by  two  pals,  who  had 
followed  to  see  what  was  up,  because  maybe  there  was  a 
chance  for  highway  robbery.  But  they  discovered  that  it 
was  only  a low-class  fairie.  They  were  also  splendid 
specimens  of  the  youthful  ruffian.  I was  madly  attracted 
toward  all  three,  and  now  reclining  in  the  bosom  of  one, 
and  now  in  that  of  another,  I gave  utterance  to  the  infant’s 
natural  language  expressive  of  contentment  at  being 
petted  and  babied  by  these  giants,  whom  I affectionately 
called  my  “ Big  Braves.”  I would  lift  their  hands  to  my 
mouth  and  cover  them  with  kisses,  and  roll  up  their 
sleeves  and  cover  their  arms  with  kisses. 

After  some  time,  two  of  them  said  goodnight,  leaving 
me  alone  with  the  giant  whose  acquaintance  I had  first 
made.  I finally  agreed  to  accompany  him  to  his  room. 
Whenever  we  sighted  a policeman,  he  remarked : “ Let’s 

go  over  to  the  other  side  of  the  street.  I don’t  want  that 
cop  to  see  my  face.”  After  entering  the  side-door  of  a 
repulsive-looking  “ Saloon,”  we  walked  down  a very  long 
passage,  divided  into  sections  by  several  heavily  barri- 
caded doors,  each  provided  with  a peep-hole  and  door- 
tender,  who  opened  only  to  the  elect.  Protection  was  thus 
secured  again  surprises  by  the  police.  We  finally  arrived 
in  a spacious  room  filled  with  small  tables,  around  which 


Professional  Fairies. 


155 


were  seated  a dozen  flashily  dressed  “ sports,”  about  the 
same  number  of  shabbily  clad  ruffians,  three  or  four  girls 
costumed  as  for  a fancy-dress  ball,  and  five  “ sports  ” in 
the  biological  sense  of  that  word,  that  is,  youths  with  no 
front  teeth,  hair  a la  mode  de  Oscar  Wilde  (that  is,  hang- 
ing down  in  ringlets  over  the  ears  and  collar)  and  clad  in 
bright  colored  wrappers.  Their  faces  were  painted,  and 
their  bodies  also  were  seen  to  be  when  later  they  threw 
aside  the  loose  wrappers. 

The  assemblage  were  sipping  their  favorite  beverages. 
From  time  to  time  decidedly  obscene  dances  took  place  — 
in  1897  to  be  seen  only  in  brothels,  but  in  1917  gracing 
even  university  receptions.  In  the  terpsichorean  art,  our 
universities  today  stand  only  where  our  brothels  stood 
twenty  years  ago.  One  of  the  painted  youths  furnished 
the  dance  music.  Another  from  time  to  time  rendered  the 
latest  songs  in  a treble  voice. 

When  some  came  forward  to  make  my  acquaintance,  my 
friend  introduced  me  as  “Miss  June.”  I protested: 
“Not  Miss  June.  That  doesn’t  sound  pretty.  Jennie 
June.  I am  only  a baby-girl,  not  a grown-up  female.” 

Three  of  the  fairies  were  introduced  to  me  as  Jersey 
Lily,  Annie  Laurie,  and  Grace  Darling.  Two  others  had 
adopted  the  names  of  living  star  actresses.  The  unre- 
flecting and  uneducated  victims  of  innate  androgynism,  and 
having  passed  their  lives  exclusively  in  the  slums  of  New 
York,  they  had  always  been  perfectly  satisfied  with  the  lot 
Nature  had  ordained  for  them.  As  already  stated,  in  un- 
enlightened lands,  as  India,  these  human  “ sports,”  clad  in 
feminine  apparel,  appear  in  public  in  the  company  of 


156 


Fairies  in  All  Communities. 


young  bloods.  Among  the  American  Indians,  they  adopt 
the  dress  and  occupation  of  squaws,  become  married  to  a 
brave,  and  lead  a quiet  virtuous  life  of  toil.  But  Christen- 
dom has  refused  to  acknowledge  that  God  has  created  this 
type  of  human  being,  the  woman  with  masculine  genitals. 
It  hunts  them  down,  and  drives  them  from  one  section  of 
our  great  cities  to  another  by  repeated  raids  on  their  re- 
sorts. It  attributes  their  fundamental  peculiarities  to 
moral  degradation,  when  they  are  due  to  Nature.  Of 
course,  in  the  case  of  these  fairies  in  the  slums  of  New 
York,  deep  moral  degradation  had  supervened  upon  their 
innate  androgynism. 

Active  pederasts,  who  frequent  such  resorts,  and  nor- 
mal young  men  who  visit  them  just  to  see  life,  spoon  with 
me.  A charming  smooth-spoken  young  gallant  holds  me 
on  his  lap  before  the  roomful  of  people,  and  addresses  me 
as  “ My  dear  boy,”  to  which  I reply,  “ Please  don’t  call 
me  boy;  call  me  girl.”  I am  bewitched  by  my  wooer,  who 
uses  to  me  the  most  indecent  language  I ever  heard,  and 
right  in  the  hearing  of  all  those  assembled.  I do  not  act 
rational.  I do  not  wish  to  act  rational.  I wish  to 
act  like  a baby  girl.  I am  in  high  spirits,  and  the  men 
visitors  are  much  amused  at  my  conduct.  The  other 
fairies  also  impersonate  the  woman  and  the  baby,  much  to 
the  amusement  of  their  audience.  Whoever  has  visited 
such  a performance  must  acknowledge  that  this  type  of 
human  being  are  born  actors,  or  actresses,  whichever  term 
may  be  preferred.  They  themselves  prefer  the  latter. 
********' 

On  another  midnight  when  I was  promenading  the 


Close  of  Low-Class  Fairie  Period.  15 7 

Bowery,  a band  of  young  desperadoes,  who  had  been  in- 
dulging freely  in  liquor,  emerged  from  a dance-hall.  They 
were  longshoremen,  coal-heavers,  etc.  Their  burly  forms 
and  bacchanalian  madness  fascinated  me,  and  I rushed 
into  their  midst  exclaiming : “ Where  did  you  get  these 

pretty  red  badges?  Won’t  you  give  me  one?”  They 
were  all  members  of  some  political  club  which  had  given  a 
dance  that  night. 

The  gang  immediately  recognized  my  character,  and  I 
became  the  recipient  of  chivalrous  and  amorous  attentions 
from  them  all.  I accompanied  them  on  their  way  home, 
down  the  Bowery  to  Chatham  Square,  and  then  eastward 
to  the  neighborhood  of  Water  Street.  They  repeatedly 
urged  me  to  enter  some  low  dive  with  them,  but  I would 
not  think  of  it.  They  were  too  reckless  and  vicious  a lot, 
and  I was  satisfied  with  being  wooed  by  them  on  the  public 
street  in  their  delightfully  wild  and  rough  way.  Finally 
arrived  at  a groggery  where  some  of  them  felt  at  home, 
they  will  no  longer  listen  to  a refusal.  They  drag  me  in- 
side and  down  into  the  cellar. 

Has  the  reader  ever  perused  the  account  of  the  deeds 
of  the  sons  of  Belial  in  Gibeah,  performed  3,400  years  ago 
to  the  detriment  of  a certain  Levite  and  his  concubine,  as 
recorded  in  the  Book  of  Judges?  These  modern  sons  of 
Belial,  these  lowest,  most  ignorant,  most  animal,  and  most 
vicious  of  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  modern  Bab3rlon,  re- 
peated that  night  on  their  helpless  victim  the  deeds  of  the 
men  of  ancient  Gibeah.  I was  then  carried  to  the  street 
and  abandoned. 

This  assault  proved  to  be  the  millstone  that  broke  the 


158 


Year  1897  — I Reform. 


camel’s  back.  I was  at  last  rendered  unable  to  be  on  my 
feet  owing  to  spinal  trouble,  and  to  excruciating  pain  in 
the  anus  whenever  I attempted  to  walk.  I wras  compelled 
to  enter  a hospital. 

For  several  years  following,  cleanliness  required  me 
gerere  pannum  perpetuo  intra  subuculam  causa  inconti- 
nentiae  defecationis.  But  it  was  of  little  account,  by  no 
means  rendering  me  what  Beza  would  denominate  “ a 
stinking  androgyne.”  The  liquid  excretion  did  not  at  all 
interfere  with  my  pursuits  of  the  scholar  or  the  female- 
impersonator.  As  I must  keep  everything  secret,  I took 
upon  myself  the  entire  care  of  the  cloths  in  my  room. 
After  a few  years,  the  sphincter  again  functioned  com- 
pletely. 

When  able  to  leave  the  hospital,  I felt  satiated  for  life 
with  coitus,  and  exceedingly  homesick.  I yielded  to  the 
temptation  to  find  shelter  under  the  parental  roof.  On 
my  arrival  home,  which  I had  hardly  expected  to  see  again, 
I could  do  nothing  but  weep  for  the  first  half  hour,  and  it 
was  several  hours  before  I could  speak  without  bursting 
into  tears.  My  mother  enfolded  her  “ little  innocent 
boy,”  and  my  father  had  softened.  Of  course  I never 
gave  a true  account  of  our  period  of  estrangement. 

I now  believed  that  my  career  as  a fairie  was  over.  My 
early  religious  enthusiasm  was  renewed,  and  I began  to 
spend  a large  part  of  my  time  in  related  studies.  As 
already  made  known,  I had  had  the  career  of  a foreign 
missionary  in  mind  from  childhood  up  to  the  age  of  nine- 
teen, and  before  many  weeks  I felt  that  now  I was  loosed 
from  that  terrible  obsession  by  the  “ procreative  ” side  of 


A Self-Abnegating  Religious  Teacher.  159 

human  life,  I could  look  forward  to  laboring  in  the  field 
of  missions.  After  two  months  of  activity  in  church  work 
in  my  native  village,  an  opening  presented  itself  in  the 
near-by  metropolis. 

I thus  passed  an  exceedingly  satisfactory  summer,  and 
hoped  and  prayed  that  this  religious  enthusiasm  might 
continue  indefinitely.  What  a contrast  between  this  life 
and  that  as  Jennie  June!  While  the  phenomena  of  the 
procreative  side  of  life  bring  to  man  the  highest  earthly 
bliss,  they  also  occasion  the  intensest  misery.  The  life  as 
Jennie  June  had  been  a bitter  life  apart  from  all  the  ex- 
traneous suffering.  But  in  a life  given  for  others,  seeking 
not  its  own,  there  was  everything  satisfying,  and  nothing 
to  regret.  Truly  there  is  a glorious  salvation  from  sin 
and  unhappiness  in  announcing  glad  tidings  to  the  poor, 
binding  up  the  broken-hearted,  and  opening  the  eyes  of  the 
spiritually  blind. 

But  this  salvation  was  not  to  be  mine.  It  is  in  the 
power  of  the  vast  majority  of  the  human  race  to  live  what 
are  called  decent,  moral  lives ; but  it  is  not  in  the  power  of 
all.  My  “ sin  ” was  a disease  of  the  mind,  not  wilful  sin, 
especially  at  this  and  earlier  periods  of  my  career.  I was 
a born  “ nymphomaniac,”  if  this  word  may  be  used  of  one 
who  has  no  nymphae.  In  respect  to  the  strength  of  the 
urge  after  coition,  I am  akin  to  the  male  rather  than  the 
female  sex.  As  few  others  have  tried,  I tried  to  overcome 
the  evil  inherent  in  my  nature,  but  in  vain.  The  manner 
in  which  this  period  of  religious  enthusiasm  ended  is  shown 
in  the  following  extract  from  a letter  written  to  my 
spiritual  adviser. 


160  God  Hides  His  Face  from  Me. 

(i.  . . . But  the  blessing  of  God  suddenly  left  me,  and 
I found  myself  without  a single  thought  on  religion  to 
give  expression  to.  Previously  I had  no  loss  for  words. 
Every  verse  of  scripture  had  been  to  me  a revelation  of 
divine  truth,  bristling  with  suggestions  for  my  talks ; but 
now  all  are  to  me  empty  words,  without  force.  The  scrip- 
tures appear  to  me  false.  The  story  of  Christ  appears  to 
me  to  be  a myth.  I agonize  before  God,  and  beseech  Him 
to  restore  unto  me  the  joy  of  salvation,  and  not  to  take  the 
Holy  Spirit  from  me.  I cry  out:  ‘ I do  not  believe  it  to 
be  a myth ! These  infidel  thoughts  which  come  upon  me 
are  not  mine ! I believe,  Lord,  I believe,  but  my  mind 
proves  false  to  me  ! Help  thou  mine  unbelief ! ’ 

“ But  God  makes  himself  known  in  no  way.  It  is  to  me 
as  if  there  were  no  God.  But  I will  persist  in  believing 
there  is  one.  I read  the  Bible  chapter  after  chapter, 
praying  for  light,  but  all  the  time  there  is  nothing  but 
darkness  and  doubt  in  my  heart.  Continually  the  thought 
comes  into  my  mind : ‘ There  is  no  personal  God.’  I still 

read  diligently  Row’s  ‘ Jesus  of  the  Evangelists,’  which  in 
former  times  had  carried  me  up  into  the  third  heaven  of 
bliss  in  the  conviction  of  the  historic  character  of  the 
Gospels,  and  in  adoration  of  the  Christ ; but  the  very  same 
book  is  now  tedious  and  falls  flat.  I had  been  speaking 
as  if  fully  inspired  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  and  lost  all  con- 
sciousness of  self.  But  the  last  three  times,  I spoke  sim- 
ply because  I had  to,  my  own  heart  being  full  of  emotions 
of  unbelief.  After  three  flat  failures,  I decided  to  give  up. 

“ My  thorn  in  the  flesh  also  now  gives  me  no  rest  day 
nor  night.  It  drives  peace  from  my  mind  every  day,  and 
sleep  from  my  eyes  every  night.  Few  have  to  endure  such 


Divine  Ban  on  Celibacy. 


161 


torture  of  unsatisfied  longing.  How  I do  bewail  the  fact 
that  I have  this  abnormal  passion  which  cries  out  for 
appeasement ! It  is  not  I who  wish  the  gratification,  I 
call  God  to  witness.  I wish  all  passion  annihilated  in  me, 
and  to  spend  my  days  in  study  and  in  doing  good.  ...  I 
have  been  celibate  five  months,  and  expected  to  continue  so 
forever,  but  I now  suspect  such  a life  to  be  contrary  to 
God’s  will.  All  my  hopes  of  leading  an  honorable  life  have 
been  dissipated.  All  the  indications  are  that  God  does 
not  call  me  to  preach  the  Gospel.  . . .” 

A few  mornings  later  I happened  to  be  reading  in  the 
23d  Street  Y.  M.  C.  A.  A poorly  clad  adolescent  brushed 
lightly  against  me  and  I felt  myself  electrified.  Looking 
up  furtively,  I recognized  a Bowery  favorite  of  six  months 
before.  To  me  his  face  appeared  to  be  lighted  up  with  an 
unearthly  radiance,  and  a halo  of  glory  encircled  his  head. 
As  my  identity  was  known  at  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  and  as  I 
was  wearing  my  valuables,  I did  not  dare  reveal  myself. 
But  I was  acutely  lovesick  the  remainder  of  the  day,  pin- 
ing to  run  across  my  friend  again  under  circumstances 
such  that  I could  greet  him. 

It  actually  chanced  the  following  morning  that  I again 
encountered  him,  this  time  on  the  street  several  blocks  dis- 
tant from  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  Though  clad  as  a prosperous 
citizen,  I would  have  greeted  him  on  the  street  if  he  had 
not  this  time  been  accompanied  by  a malevolent-looking 
pal.  After  we  had  passed  without  either  giving  any  sign 
of  recognition,  he  came  up  behind,  tapped  me  on  the  shoul- 
der, and  said:  “Hello!  Don’t  you  remember  me? 
Don’t  you  remember  meeting  me  on  Doyers  Street?  ” 


162 


Conflicts  of  Double  Life. 


I was  thunderstruck.  It  was  the  only  time  I have  ever 
been  recognized  by  a paramour  of  the  slums  in  a quar- 
ter of  the  city  distant  from  our  place  of  meeting.  I now 
enumerate  my  encounters  with  acquaintances  of  the  one 
life  while  living  out  the  other  side  of  my  double  life. 
******** 

Three  where  I was  not  recognized : I meet  face  to  face 
a policeman  on  Broadway  who  was  my  very  first  com- 
panion at  the  opening  of  my  life  as  a fairie  (“  Red 
Mike  ”).  While  secretary  to  a millionaire  in  the  suburbs, 
I rode  twelve  miles  in  the  same  car  with  two  Mulberry 
Street  companions  with  whom  I had  passed  many  even- 
ings. I would  not  allow  them  to  see  my  face.  A soldier 
with  whom  I,  as  Jennie  June,  became  acquainted  at  a fort, 
came  near,  ten  years  previously,  being  a member  of  my 
Sunday  school  class.  (I  wish  to  remind  the  reader  that  I 
engaged  in  no  religious  work  while  yielding  to  the  “ pro- 
creative  ” instincts.  I have  always  considered  such  a 
combination  scandalous.  Inverts,  while  committing  no 
sin  in  following  their  instincts  in  moderation,  should  leave 
church  work  absolutely  alone  unless  they  are  able  to 
crucify  their  carnal  desire.)  I myself  recognized  the  sol- 
dier only  after  learning  his  name,  and  that  he  came  from 
my  own  native  village.  I of  course  did  not  let  him  know 
that  we  once  attended  the  same  church. 

Two  of  my  Stuyvesant  Square  friends  once  greeted  me 
in  a store,  and  another  on  a street  car.  In  a large  city 
several  hundred  miles  from  New  York,  I was  greeted  by  an 
actor  friend  of  my  Fourteenth  Street  days.  Three  dif- 
ferent times  in  cities  several  hundred  miles  from  New  York 


Recognized  by  Jennie  June’s  Associates. 


163 


I was  greeted  by  former  soldiers  with  whom  I had  asso- 
ciated at  forts  in  the  suburbs  of  that  city.  A number  of 
times  in  the  heart  of  New  York  I ran  across  soldiers  with 
whom  I had  associated  at  those  forts.  Once  while  in  a 
theatre,  a soldier  a few  seats  back  called  out,  “Jennie 
June,”  but  I pretended  not  to  hear  him.  On  another  oc- 
casion, while  living  in  a small  suburb,  I was  stopped  near 
my  home  by  a young  man  who  asked  if  I could  tell  him 
“where  a fellow  they  call  ‘Jennie  June’  lives?”  Evi- 
dently he  thought  he  recognized  myself  as  Jennie  June, 
but  I boldly  replied  that  I had  never  heard  of  such  an  indi- 
vidual. I feared  a disclosure  of  my  double  life,  but  noth- 
ing eventuated. 

While  visiting  my  native  village  in  1907,  where  I was 
now  a stranger  to  nearly  all  the  inhabitants,  one  of  a group 
of  young  men  whom  I passed  called  out : “ Hello  Jennie 

June!  . . . Hello  Jennie  June!  . . . Why  don’t  you  say 
something?  ” My  appearing  as  if  I did  not  hear  him 
probably  led  him  to  conclude  that  he  was  mistaken.  It  is 
almost  a miracle  that  the  little  community  in  which  I was 
reared  did  not  learn  of  my  double  life,  since  approximately 
four  thousand  young  men  knew  me  only  as  “ Jennie  June,” 
about  one-half  of  whom  were  at  one  time  soldiers  by  pro- 
fession, and  therefore  wanderers  over  the  face  of  the  earth. 

In  1914,  in  New  York  City,  almost  in  front  of  the  build- 
ing where  I was  employed,  a Stuyvesant  Square  acquaint- 
ance of  more  than  ten  years  before  thought  he  recognized 
me,  called  out  “ Jennie  June,”  and  threw  kisses.  I pre- 
tended not  to  notice  anything,  which  probably  made  him 
conclude  he  was  mistaken. 


164  J.  J.  Encounters  Ralph  Werther’s  Associates. 

Encounters  with  associates  of  my  scholarly  self  while  I 
was  living  out  the  life  of  “ Jennie  June  ” were  almost 
equally  numerous.  While  promenading  the  Bowery  as  a 
low-class  fairie,  I once  passed  a schoolmate  from  my 
native  village,  but  he  did  not  appear  to  recognize  me.  On 
two  occasions  while  promenading  Fourteenth  Street  as  a 
high-class  fairie,  I passed  university  associates,  but  on 
only  one  occasion  was  there  a sign  of  recognition.  At 
neither  time  did  my  conduct  happen  to  be  suspicious. 

While  on  a train  returning  from  a frolic  with  soldiers 
of  a fort  in  the  suburbs,  and  somewhat  disheveled,  I rode  in 
the  same  car  with  a university  acquaintance,  but  avoided 
him,  so  that  he  probably  did  not  recognize  me.  While  en- 
tertaining at  a shore  resort  a soldier  to  whom  I was  incog- 
nito, I ran  across  a near  friend,  to  whom  I was  compelled 
to  introduce  the  soldier.  The  friend  was  ever  afterward 
cool  and  evidently  suspected  the  truth.  While  walking 
with  a ruffian  of  the  slums,  I was  recognized  by  a chance 
travelling  companion  with  whom  I had  sat  at  the  same 
table  for  a week  on  a steamer.  I denied  my  identity. 

One  evening  when  dressed  rather  shabbily  and  on  a car 
bound  for  the  slums,  I was  compelled  to  tip  my  hat  to  a 
lady  friend  who  was  also  a passenger.  I was  thankful 
that  it  did  not  happen  to  be  a male  friend.  When  even  in 
a more  dilapidated  condition,  having  spent  the  preceding 
night  in  the  slums,  and  on  a car  bound  for  the  room  where 
I was  to  exchange  my  shabby  clothes  for  my  ordinary 
apparel,  an  intimate  lady  friend  boarded  the  car.  Hiding 
my  face  as  best  I could,  I alighted  at  the  next  stop. 

Once  when  my  face  had  only  just  been  battered  up  by 


I Am  Held  Up  on  Broadway. 


165 


violent  blows,  I rode  several  miles  in  the  same  car  with  a 
male  acquaintance  who  possibly  recognized  me.  While  in 
bed  in  a hospital  with  my  face  all  battered  out  of  shape, 
I wras  under  the  care  of  a former  physician,  to  whom  how- 
ever I never  had  had  occasion  to  reveal  that  I was  an 
invert.  Though  we  had  met  a score  of  times  intimately, 
he  failed  to  recognize  me  on  account  of  my  extreme  dis- 
figurement, and  I was  ashamed  to  make  myself  known.  I 
had  of  course  registered  at  the  hospital  under  an  assumed 
name. 

******** 

To  return  to  the  chance  meeting  on  Broadway  — I was 
face  to  face  with  the  individual  whom  at  the  time  I desired 
to  meet  above  every  one  else  in  the  world,  but  through 
fear  of  blackmail  or  other  undesirable  consequences,  did 
not  dare  confess  that  I had  ever  seen.  After  a moment  of 
speechlessness,  and  with  voice  trembling  through  fright,  I 
answered,  “ You  are  mistaken  in  the  person.  I do  not  re- 
member ever  seeing  you  before.” 

“ O you  must  remember  me.  You  told  me  you  were  a 
waiter  in  a restaurant  on  the  Bowery.  Ain’t  you  working 
there  no  more?  ” 

“ I never  worked  in  a restaurant.  You  mistake  me  for 
some  one  else.”  Saying  this  I started  to  walk  on. 

“ No,  not  just  yet.  I think  I can  convince  you  that  we 
have  met  before.”  He  mentions  things  that  occurred  at 
our  former  meetings.  Although  all  that  he  said  was  true, 
I continued  to  refuse  to  admit  my  identity.  Finally  he 
lost  patience:  “Say,  give  me  a dollar,  will  you?  I 
haven’t  had  anything  to  eat  for  two  days.  Hand  it  out, 


166  Involuntary  Muscle  Dance. 

or  I’ll  make  it  so  hot  for  you  right  here  that  you’ll  wish 
you  had ! ” 

Expecting  to  be  knocked  into  the  gutter,  or  that  some- 
thing even  worse  was  about  to  transpire,  I yielded  to  his 
demand.  He  pocketed  the  money  and  went  on  his  way. 
I saw  slipping  by  perhaps  the  only  opportunity  of  my  life 
to  make  an  appointment  with  the  particular  individual 
with  whom  at  the  time  I was  madly  in  love.  I was  also 
emboldened  because  I had  found  out  that  he  would  be  easy 
with  me.  I ran  after  him  and  exclaimed:  “I  want  to 
meet  you  again.  Where  do  you  hang  out?  ” 

“ In  Madison  Square  evenings.” 

I immediately  turned  down  a side  street  and  hid  in  a 
doorway  in  order  to  ascertain  whether  I was  being  fol- 
lowed. From  that  meeting  I rejoiced  in  the  hope  of 
future  intimacy  with  one  of  my  favorites  of  the  Bowery 
period,  and  on  the  three  following  evenings  wearily  prome- 
naded Madison  Square  for  hours  in  search  of  him.  On  the 
third  evening  I with  great  joy  discovered  him  seated  alone. 
Eagerly  approaching,  I aped,  as  usual  on  such  occasions, 
the  voice  and  manners  of  a baby  girl,  while  I began  a 
graceful  dance  with  various  muscles  of  my  body,  motions 
occasionally  aroused  under  sexual  excitement.  For  the 
first  time  in  nearly  six  months  I adopted  the  role  of  “ Jen- 
nie June,”  and  it  gave  me  great  satisfaction. 

“ My  beautiful,  beautiful  Jew  boy,  I feared  I would 
never  see  you  again.  Say,  do  you  know  you  are  beau- 
tiful? Do  you  know  you  are  beautiful?  ” 

“ What  do  you  do  now  since  you  don’t  work  in  a res- 
taurant? ” 


Glimpse  Into  Hell’s  Kitchen  at  Night.  167 

“ I . . . I,”  I stammered,  caught  unawares,  and  seek- 
ing to  invent  something  in  order  to  hide  my  true  station  in 
life.  “ I now  work  in  a shoe-store  over  on  3rd  Avenue.” 

“ I suppose  you  intend  doing  the  right  thing  by  me  to- 
night. I am  in  hard  luck.  I iust  had  three  dollars  stolen 
off  me.” 

After  a few  minutes’  conversation,  we  proceeded  west- 
ward along  26th  Street,  bound  for  the  dark  and  at  night 
deserted  quarter  known  as  Hell’s  Kitchen,  along  the  mar- 
gin of  the  Hudson  River.  It  is  perhaps  the  most  danger- 
ous part  of  New  York  at  night,  but  here  we  could  be  abso- 
lutely alone.  Most  of  the  district  is  covered  with  lumber 
yards,  freight  terminals,  etc.,  and  the  very  few  persons 
who  frequent  those  streets  at  night  are  likely  to  be  ruffians 
and  dockrats  of  the  most  vicious  character. 

Arrived  within  half  a block  of  the  Hudson  River,  we 
seated  ourselves  on  the  platform  of  a storehouse,  and  I 
began  to  kiss  passionately  my  companion’s  face,  hair,  and 
hands,  and  even  covered  his  clothing  with  kisses.  While 
thus  engaged,  only  one  person  passed,  a man,  apparently 
intoxicated,  staggering  along  in  the  direction  of  the  river 
and  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  He  did  not  appear 
to  notice  us  and  was  soon  lost  in  the  darkness  toward 
the  river,  whereupon  my  uneasiness  in  large  part  passed 
away.  On  such  occasions  as  this  — on  the  public  street 
— I always  had  a mortal  fear  of  being  surprised  and 
beaten  to  death,  prejudice  against  androgynes  being  so 
great. 

After  the  “ intoxicated  ” man  had  passed  out  of  sight, 
we  were  undisturbed  for  five  minutes.  During  this  inter- 


168 


Surprised  by  an  Eavesdropper. 


val,  my  companion  gave  a low  whistle  several  times,  which 
made  me  nervous  and  suspicious,  and  I delayed  incriminat- 
ing myself.  Always,  too,  I liked  to  spoon  a long  time  with 
my  companion  as  a preliminary.  If  I had  been  with  any 
one  else,  such  whistling  would  have  made  me  take  to  my 
heels,  but  my  present  companion  was  not  a perfect  stran- 
ger, and  on  our  previous  meetings  had  done  me  no  harm. 
As  I feared,  the  young  Jew’s  whistling  turned  out  to  be  his 
means  of  communication  with  a confederate,  the  man  who 
had  passed  feigning  intoxication.  When  I had  met  the 
young  Jew  in  the  Square,  a confederate  was  watching  a 
short  distance  away,  and  he  had  followed  us  into  Hell’s 
Kitchen.  As  I had  been  the  victim  of  assault  and  rob- 
bery so  many  times,  usually  when  walking  off  to  a lonely 
place  with  a companion,  I took  care  that  we  were  not  fol- 
lowed by  any  of  his  pals.  But  as  my  present  companion 
seemed  like  an  old  acquaintance,  I did  not  take  my  usual 
precautions. 

As  eavesdropper,  it  was  desirable  to  approach  from  the 
west,  since  a high  fence  prevented  a good  view  from  the 
east,  and  an  approach  from  that  direction  would  have 
immediately  aroused  my  suspicions  that  he  was  a confed- 
erate. He  had  therefore  adopted  the  ruse  of  intoxication 
in  order  to  get  to  the  west  of  us.  While  I was  engaged 
in  my  adoration,  the  form  of  a powerfully  built  man  about 
twenty-eight  years  of  age  silently  and  suddenly  emerged 
out  of  the  obscurity  in  the  direction  of  the  river.  Always 
alert  on  such  occasions  on  the  public  street,  I perceived 
him  sooner  than  he  intended.  He  no  doubt  intended  to 
surprise  me  in  an  incriminating  position.  At  the  moment 


Adventure  with  Robbers. 


169 


of  my  discovery,  my  companion  sought  by  main  force  to 
hold  me  in  a humiliating  position,  but  I struggled  and  pre- 
vented it.  On  seeing  that  his  original  plan  was  frustrated 
through  my  alertness,  the  eavesdropper  came  forward, 
passed  himself  off  as  the  watchman  of  the  store-house,  and 
sternly  demanded  of  me  what  business  we  had  there. 

“ Only  sitting  down  and  resting,”  I replied  all  in  a 
tremble. 

“ This  is  a queer  place  to  sit  down  and  rest  in.  Tell  me 
■what  vous  two  was  doin’  here,  or  I’ll  have  you  locked  up.” 

“ We  were  only  talking  together.” 

“ Only  talkin’  together  ? What  did  yous  walk  a mile 
from  Madison  Square  fur?  ” On  hearing  this  question,  I 
first  realized  that  the  man  was  a confederate.  I replied 
that  we  were  just  out  for  a walk. 

“ Do  you  ginerally  take  walks  to  a lonesome  place  as 
this  where  there’s  nothin’  to  see?  ” Then  he  addressed 
my  companion,  “ How  long  you  known  this  feller?  ” 

“ I met  him  tonight  in  Madison  Square  for  the  first.” 

“ People  don’t  ginerally  take  walks  together  to  such 
places  as  this  when  they  just  happen  to  meet  in  parks! 
Out  wid  it,  what  was  this  feller  doin’  wid  you?  ” 

On  my  companion  accusing  me  of  fellatio,  the  man 
feigned  surprise  and  abhorrence,  and  started  to  grab  me. 
But  I nimbly  sprang  away,  and  fairly  flew  eastward,  with 
them  at  my  heels.  After  sprinting  an  eighth  of  a mile,  I 
felt  my  speed  decreasing.  It  seemed  as  if  I scarcely  moved 
at  all.  My  legs  trembled  under  me,  my  breath  came  and 
went  in  sonorous  gasps,  and  my  heart  beat  audibly.  I 
could  hear  the  footfalls  of  my  pursuers,  now  gaining  upon 


170 


A Race  for  Life. 


me.  As  I ran  I constantly  besought  Providence  that  they 
might  stumble  and  fall,  or  give  up  the  chase  as  hopeless. 

Arrived  within  a hundred  feet  of  10th  Avenue,  I felt  all 
my  powers  failing,  and  at  every  step  expected  to  fall  to 
the  ground,  perhaps  dead,  as  I had  some  valvular  disease 
of  the  heart.  If  I fell  westward  of  10th  Avenue,  where 
there  would  be  no  possibility  of  witnesses,  I feared  the 
ruffians  would  beat  me  to  death  in  their  anger  at  my  caus- 
ing them  this  hard  chase.  I hoped  to  hold  out  until  I 
could  throw  myself  on  the  mercy  of  pedestrians  whom  I ex- 
pected to  encounter  on  10th  Avenue,  a street  lined  with  a 
poor  class  of  tenement  houses.  I reached  that  avenue  and 
ran  north  half  a block  until  I overtook  a company  of  four 
smartly  dressed  young  men.  I now  stopped  running, 
walked  along  directly  in  front  of  them,  and  believed  my 
pursuers  would  withdraw.  But  the  latter  seized  me  vio- 
lently, and  I appealed  to  the  four  spectators:  “Won’t 
you  please  keep  these  fellows  from  touching  me?  They 
are  thieves,  and  were  trying  to  beat  and  rob  me.” 

“What’s  the  matter?  What’s  the  matter?  ” 

“ Wait  till  I kfh  git  my  breath  and  I’ll  tell  you.” 

“ They  are  thieves  and  I was  running  away  from  them. 
They  are  blackmailers,  that’s  all  they  are.  A few  days 
ago  on  Broadway  they  got  some  money  out  of  me,  and  now 
are  trying  it  again.” 

“ He  is  a c . I found  him  down  on  26th  Street  wid 

this  young  feller.” 

“ I didn’t  do  anything  of  the  kind  to  him.  They  are 
just  trying  to  blackmail  me.” 

“All  they  want  is  money.  Just  hand  out  four  or  five 


Wishing  to  Be  Arrested. 


171 


dollars  and  they’ll  let  you  alone.  It  is  worth  that  to  you 
to  get  out  of  this  scrape.” 

“ But  I haven’t  done  anything  why  I should  pay  them 
money,  and  I haven’t  that  much  money  with  me.” 

“ You’ve  admitted  they  are  blackmailing  you,  so  you 
must  have  done  something  pretty  bad.  We  will  leave  you 
in  their  hands  to  take  you  to  the  police  station.  You 
ought  to  be  locked  up  and  have  this  cannibalism  of  yourn 
taken  out  of  you.” 

“ Please  do  me  the  favor  not  to  leave  me  alone  with  them, 
'fhey  will  kill  me  on  the  way.  Please  go  along  to  the 
police  station.” 

They  all  agreed  to  do  so.  But  the  more  I saw  of  the 
character  of  the  four  smartly  dressed  young  men,  who 
were  between  twenty  and  twTenty-five  years  of  age,  the 
more  did  I fear  them,  and  I hoped  we  might  encounter  a 
policeman,  so  that  I might  voluntarily  surrender  myself  to 
the  toils  of  the  law,  as  I expected  to  be  killed  by  this  party. 
But  I have  learned  by  experience  that  a policeman  can 
never  be  found  when  needed  most.  Some  civilian  pedes- 
trians were  met,  but  I was  afraid  of  the  consequences  of 
appealing  to  them. 

Arrived  at  29th  Street,  they  stated  their  purpose  of 
leading  me  down  this  particularly  dark  and  deserted  thor- 
oughfare, probably  in  order  to  assault  and  rob  me,  and 
this  prospect  made  me  more  anxious  than  ever  to  be  de- 
livered out  of  their  hands.  A chance  of  deliverance  pre- 
sented itself.  There  are  steam  railroad  tracks  in  the 
middle  of  10th  Avenue  and  a long  freight  train  happened 
to  be  passing  slowly.  Two  horse-cars,  each  containing 


172 


One  of  the  Worst  Assaults. 


several  passengers,  were  waiting  at  the  corner  of  29th 
Street  until  the  train  passed.  The  four  drivers  and  con- 
ductors were  all  outside.  As  my  captors  led  me  within 
three  feet  of  one  of  the  platforms,  I suddenly  broke  away 
and  attempted  to  board  the  car.  But  they  jerked  me 
away,  struggling  and  crying  out  to  the  conductor,  onl}r  an 
arm’s  length  distant : “ I want  to  board  this  car  and  they 

won’t  let  me!  Won’t  you  please  make  them  leave  me 
alone?  ” 

But  he  did  not  make  a move  or  say  a word,  any  more 
than  if  he  had  been  a statue.  The  other  three  drivers  and 
conductors  were  likewise  interested  spectators,  but  made 
no  move  to  help  me.  When  I saw  their  inaction,  I 
screamed  “ Help ! Help ! ” hoping  to  alarm  the  passen- 
gers. Such  a procedure  angered  my  captors  to  the  ex- 
ploding point,  and  they  all  pitched  into  me,  threw  me  to 
the  ground,  pounded  me,  kicked  me,  and  stamped  upon  me. 
The  two  conductors  stood  for  a moment  directly  over  my 
prostrate  body,  but  remained  neutral.  I screamed  as  I 
have  never  screamed  on  any  other  occasion,  but  none  of 
the  passengers  appeared  to  hear  me. 

In  about  a minute  the  train  had  passed  and  the  two 
horse-cars  started  on  their  way.  As  I saw  them  disap- 
pearing and  leaving  me  alone  with  my  assailants,  all  hope 
of  life  departed.  I found  myself  exceedingly  calm  and  re- 
signed to  my  fate.  My  life  and  consciousness  seemed  to 
be  flickering,  ready  to  be  entirely  extinguished.  The  next 
thing  I knew,  I was  vomiting  violently,  and  then  my  senses 
began  to  come  back.  I found  myself  all  alone,  and  also 
found  that  my  pockets  had  been  ransacked. 


Career  of  Fille  de  Joie  in  Paris  Meditated.  173 

For  several  days  my  whole  body  was  so  sore  as  to  make 
it  painful  to  move  about.  Moreover,  for  several  days  I 
experienced  a season  of  mental  depression  with  impulses 
toward  suicide.  Few  souls  ever  had  such  a burden  to  bear. 
Yet  the  world  has  no  sympathy  for  these  unhappiest  of 
mortals,  the  refined  sexual  inverts.  Thousands  of  them 
are  driven  to  suicide  out  of  every  generation,  and  yet  the 
world  is  unmoved  by  their  sorrows.  Every  other  human 
creature  when  in  sorrow  and  trouble  receives  comfort  from 
his  fellows,  but  mankind  heaps  sorrow  on  sorrow  upon  the 
head  of  the  already  despairing  invert.  Even  his  own 
family  turn  their  backs  on  him  and  disown  him. 

About  this  time,  thoughts  came  to  me  of  going  over  to 
London  or  Paris,  far  from  my  family,  where  they  could 
never  learn  of  my  shame,  and  passing  the  remainder  of  my 
youth  wholly  given  up  to  the  life  of  a fille  de  joie.  But  I 
did  not  take  this  step,  chiefly  out  of  love  for  my  parents, 
to  save  them  sorrow  on  my  account. 

I have  now  reached  a period  of  my  life  lasting  over  two 
years  during  which  it  was  my  luck  to  serve  as  private 
secretary  to  a millionaire  septuagenarian  living  in  the 
suburbs  of  the  metropolis.  Though  surrounded  with  all 
the  comforts  of  wealth,  and  having  every  opportunity  for 
intellectual  growth  and  enjoyment,  the  “ procreative  ” in- 
stinct allowed  me  no  rest.  At  times  I would  wish  for  a 
life  of  poverty  in  the  slums  with  a mate  to  living  in  my 
refined  and  elegant  surroundings  without  any  opportunity 
for  gratification  of  this  instinct.  I found  it  absolutely 
necessary  to  spend  one  night  out  of  fourteen  in  the  city’s 


174 


The  Why  of  a Double  Life. 


slums.  The  curative  value  of  a good  environment  is  evi- 
dent from  the  fact  that  I was  fully  satisfied  with  that  fre- 
quency. 

The  Why  of  a double  life  has  already  been  sufficiently 
indicated  — namely,  at  least  in  my  own  case,  mental  pecu- 
liarity, a constitution  different  from  the  normal.  Does 
the  reader  suppose  the  author  led  a double  life  because  he 
wanted  to?  Not  at  all,  but  simply  because  Nature  and 
society  forced  it  upon  him.  Many  could  remain  celibate 
all  their  days  with  no  sense  of  a great  void  in  their  life, 
and  with  no  suffering  to  themselves ; but  the  author,  re- 
maining celibate  much  beyond  a month,  would  ordinarily 
rave,  as  a drug-victim  raves  when  unable  to  obtain  his 
anodyne.  It  is  a confession  that  I shrink  from  making, 
but  I feel  that  medical  science  should  know  it.  At  this 
period  of  my  life  I had  to  escape  to  the  slums  to  find  op- 
portunity for  fellatio  in  order  to  save  myself  from  fellatio 
cum  cani  magno.  The  involuntary  desire  for  fellatio  was 
irresistible  and  I would  have  sacrificed  everything  for  it. 
I trust  all  my  readers  are  broadminded  enough  to  see  that 
I was  irresponsible  for  this  condition,  and  that  it  was  en- 
tirely counter  to  my  own  wishes. 

Secondly,  the  author  was  not  at  all  to  be  blamed  for 
having  recourse  to  the  slums.  For  me  it  was  the  only  way 
then  open  to  satisfy  the  most  exacting  demands  of  Nature. 
To  frequent  the  forts  had  not  yet  been  seriously  con- 
sidered. How  easy  it  is,  comparatively,  for  the  normal 
man  to  gratify  the  procreative  instinct ! The  man  of  high 
moral  ideals  can  in  most  cases  marry,  and  possess  his  be- 
loved every  day  and  night,  not  for  only  a few  hours  each 


Some  Eminent  Men  Are  Inverts. 


175 


month,  as  was  the  case  with  me  during  nearly  all  my  career. 
The  rake  obtains  all  the  companions  he  wishes  with  no  risk 
of  suffering  violence.  But  an  androgyne,  if  having  any 
regard  for  his  reputation,  has  often,  as  already  seen,  to 
run  the  gauntlet  of  assault,  robbery,  imprisonment,  and 
even  death,  when  he  seeks  his  counterpart.  To  no  re- 
spectable young  man  of  my  acquaintance  did  I dare  make 
known  my  dreadful  secret,  which  I believed  would  alienate 
from  me  every  respectable  member  of  society  who  should 
learn  it.  Because  of  society’s  misunderstanding  and 
prejudging  my  peculiarity,  I was  compelled  to  run  the 
risks  of  the  slums.  Mankind  would  ostracize  me  for  it, 
but  instead  they  should  pity  me  as  one  with  whom  the 
Almighty  has  dealt  very  bitterly. 

Some  eminent  men  in  all  callings  are  numbered  among 
the  inverts.  Their  terrible  secret  is  hidden  from  the 
world.  If  it  should  become  known,  they  are  irretrievably 
lost,  and  would  be  ostracized  with  the  greatest  possible 
disgust  and  repugnance,  although  these  emotions  have  no 
basis  in  reason.  These  inverts,  who  were  brought  up  in 
refinement  and  hold  honorable  positions  in  society,  deplore 
their  lot  in  life.  They  greatly  regret  that  they  have  to 
resort  to  such  shameful  and  lamentable  means  as  they  do. 
By  reason  of  the  universal  hatred  of  mankind  for  those  of 
the  race  who  are  built  on  a different  plan  from  the  vast 
majority,  these  inverts,  well  educated,  holding  an  honor- 
able position  in  the  world,  and  possessing  a good  income, 
are  necessarily  driven  to  subterfuges,  artifices,  and  de- 
ceptions of  which  the  world,  which  now  holds  them  in 
honor,  would  believe  them  incapable.  But  they  suffer 
from  a craving  which  must  be  satisfied,  even  at  the  risk 


176 


Melancholy  as • Spree  Approached. 


of  the  loss  of  property,  reputation,  life  itself.  This  crav- 
ing, which  medical  writers  like  Krafft-Ebing,  who  have 
made  a study  of  the  phenomenon,  say  is,  in  its  intensity, 
often  immeasurably  beyond  the  normal  procreative  in- 
stinct in  man,  drives  these  unfortunates  to  “ pick  up  ” a 
poor  young  man  whom  they  come  across  in  a part  of  the 
city  remote  from  where  they  are  known.  But  everywhere 
there  are  traps  set  for  these  unfortunates  — truly  unfor- 
tunates, since  their  repulsive  instincts  are  no  fault  of  their 
own,  being  congenital  — and  in  their  search  for  the  mate 
which  is  necessary  for  their  contented  existence,  they  some- 
times come  to  grief.  Not  only  does  the  blackmailer  spread 
his  net  for  these  stepchildren  of  nature.  The  civil  au- 
thorities have  also  their  detectives  out  after  them. 

The  How  of  a double  life  during  this  period  of  my 
career  will  now  be  described.  On  the  eve  of  one  of  my 
fortnightly  female-impersonation  sprees,  the  reader  prob- 
ably supposes  that  I would  be  happy  in  anticipation.  On 
the  contrary,  a great  weight  of  sorrow  and  anxiety  always 
oppressed  me.  There  was  of  course  an  attraction  which 
drew  me  to  the  city,  but  it  was  more  than  counterbalanced 
by  the  realization  of  the  risks  of  my  losing  my  then  en- 
viable position  in  life,  and  the  dread  of  the  danger  I had 
to  put  myself  in,  in  order  to  obtain  the  satisfaction  of 
my  instincts.  A peculiar  phenomenon  was  vivid  images 
of  violent  blows  in  the  face,  since  I had  been  the  victim  of 
such  a number  of  times.  But  even  apart  from  the  dread 
of  the  real  dangers,  even  if  there  were  no  such  dangers,  an 
overwhelming  feeling  of  sadness  and  anxiety  always  came 
over  me  as  the  time  to  go  forth  on  my  peculiar  quest  ap- 


Preliminaries  to  Spree. 


177 


proached.  On  the  eve  of  a female-impersonation  spree 
during  this  period,  I always  felt  like  a soldier  on  entering 
a great  battle  from  which  he  realized  he  might  never  come 
back  alive,  or  like  a murderer  on  the  eve  of  his  electrocu- 
tion. On  such  occasions  I habitually  sang  to  myself : 

“ Why  oh  why  should  we  be  melancholy,  boys, 

Whose  business  ’tis  to  die  ? ” 

Just  before  leaving  my  residence,  I always  knelt  and 
prayed  the  Heavenly  Father  to  bring  me  back  safe,  and  on 
my  return  likewise  my  first  act  was  to  thank  Him  for  it. 
Arrived  in  N ew  York,  my  melancholy  and  dread  would 
almost  entirely  disappear,  and  in  their  place  a sense  of 
gladness  would  spring  up  that  in  the  great  metropolis  I 
was  lost  to  all  who  knew  me.  I was  in  the  habit  of  putting 
up  at  a third-class  hotel  in  a poor  quarter  of  the  city, 
registering  under  an  assumed  name.  About  eight  in  the 
evening,  I would  retire  to  my  room,  remove  my  outer  cloth- 
ing, conceal  my  valuables,  dress  myself  in  a rather  shabby 
suit,  and  saunter  forth,  hurrying  past  hotel  employees  so 
that  they  would  not  observe  my  change  of  apparel. 
Reaching  the  Bowery  or  some  other  street  among  those 
named  in  the  account  of  my  “ low-class  fairie  ” period,  I 
would  experience  a feeling  of  exultation  at  finding  myself 
again  on  Jennie  June’s  stamping  ground.  I had  left  be- 
hind all  my  masculinity,  such  as  it  was.  The  feminine  in 
me,  suppressed  for  two  weeks,  now  held  sway.  My  first 
care  was  to  hide  a reserve  fund  in  a small  black  box  on  a 
ledge  of  the  old  market  on  the  site  of  the  present  Police 
Headquarters  on  Centre  Street. 


178 


Encounters  with  Police. 


I occasionally  visited  the  scene  of  my  fairie  apprentice- 
ship on  Mulberry  Street.  But  a resident  adolescent  once 
remarked  with  much  truth:  “You  come  around  here 
looking  like  a tramp,  but  we  have  seen  you  up  on  Fifth 
Avenue  with  fine  clothes  on.  You  look  as  though  you 
didn’t  have  a cent,  but  your  shoes  are  full  of  money.” 
For  success  with  this  class,  it  is  almost  necessary  that 
an  invert  be  looked  upon  as  belonging  to  the  same  social 
stratum. 

On  one  occasion  I was  turned  over  to  a policeman  by  a 
blackmailer,  but  the  former  refused  to  arrest  me,  although 
he  believed  the  accusations.  On  another  evening  when  I 
had  not  come  to  the  city  for  a female-impersonation  spree, 
but  nevertheless  took  a wralk  on  the  Bowery,  I scraped 
acquaintance  with  a high-class  adolescent  from  the  coun- 
try who  was  stranded  in  the  city.  We  walked  down  a side 
street  until  we  came  to  a deserted  block,  and  entered  the 
pitch-dark  portal  of  a closed  factory.  But  a huckster 
on  the  nearest  corner  happened  to  notice  us  skulk  into  the 
portal,  and  supposing  we  were  thieves,  notified  the  first 
policeman  who  passed,  who  sought  another  policeman  that 
they  might  together  investigate.  The  two  suddenly  con- 
fronted us.  I was  horror-struck,  as  it  was  the  worst  pos- 
sible time  for  me  to  be  arrested  since  I had  on  me  marks 
of  my  identity.  They  searched  us  and  then  made  a cor- 
rect guess.  One  said  with  reference  to  me:  “This  fel- 
low is  a . We  won’t  touch  him  because  he  can’t 

help  it,  but  we’ll  give  this  other  fellow  a good  clubbing.” 
They  made  us  depart  in  opposite  directions,  clubbing  my 
companion  a little. 


Adventures  with  Thugs. 


179 


On  another  evening  I had  been  robbed  of  all  my  money. 
When  we  reached  the  street  I demanded  back  part  of  it. 
But  my  companion  shouted  “ Police  ! Police  ! ” in  order 
to  frighten  me  away,  saying  he  was  going  to  have  me  ar- 
rested because  I was  an  invert.  To  a couple  of  young 

men  he  cried  out : “ This  fellow  is  a . Call  a 

cop  for  me,  will  you?  I want  to  have  him  arrested.” 
But  those  addressed  were  too  busy  to  interfere.  A horse- 
car  then  happened  along,  on  which  he  jumped.  I ran 
behind  for  a hundred  feet,  crying  to  the  conductor  on  the 
rear  platform : “ Put  him  off  ! He’s  a thief ! He  has 

robbed  me ! ” But  neither  the  conductor  nor  the  men  pas- 
sengers on  the  platform  cared  to  interfere. 

I occupied  a room  with  a young  ruffian  at  a third-class 
hotel  other  than  that  where  I had  left  my  ordinary  cloth- 
ing and  valuables.  Before  retiring  I withdrew  to  the 
toilet-room  and  placed  the  bulk  of  my  money,  a five-dollar 
bill,  in  the  toe  of  a sock.  As  I undressed,  I was  careful 
to  throw  it  far  under  the  bed.  After  half  an  hour,  we 
closed  our  eyes.  But  I intended  to  remain  awake  until 
he  had  fallen  asleep  in  order  to  hide  the  door  key  lest  he 
leave  with  my  money  and  clothing  while  I slept.  He  in- 
tended to  remain  awake  until  I slept,  and  then  depart  as 
described.  He  tried  to  soothe  me  to  sleep,  exactly  like 
a mother  her  infant,  but  finally  losing  all  hope,  said: 
“ Do  you  know  how  much  you  can  get  for  this?  Twenty 
years  in  state’s  prison  ! ” 

He  dressed,  ransacked  my  clothing,  and  then  tied  it  in  a 
bundle  to  carry  away,  repeatedly  warning  me  not  to  in- 
terfere under  penalty  of  arrest.  I lay  in  consternation, 


180 


A Steamboat  Flirtation. 


meditating  what  steps  to  take.  He  finally  demands : 
“ Where’s  your  other  sock?  I’m  on  to  all  the  sly  ways  of 
you  fairies ! ” 

I now  sprang  out  of  bed,  and  started  for  the  door,  but 
he  quickly  removed  the  key.  Though  expecting  to  be 
brained,  I cried  “ Help  ! Help  ! ” “ Stop  your  racket 

and  you’ll  get  your  things  back ! ” But  I kept  pounding 
and  shrieking  until  the  hall-boy  opened  the  door.  I re- 
mained standing  just  outside  until  my  companion  left, 
watching  that  he  took  none  of  my  belongings.  He  said 
that  he  was  going  after  a policeman  in  order  to  have  me 
arrested.  The  hall-boy  appeared  to  be  totally  indiffer- 
ent over  the  accusation  of  my  associate. 

******** 

A steamboat  flirtation : In  my  extensive  globe-trot- 
ting, only  two  or  three  times  did  I indulge  in  coquet^ 
on  a public  conveyance,  for  fear  of  disgrace  or  even  rob- 
bery. But  on  the  present  occasion  I was  so  smitten  that 
I took  the  risk.  I had  occasion  to  accompany  my  em- 
ployer on  a trip  to  Boston.  We  went  by  the  all-sea  route 
around  Cape  Cod.  During  the  evening  my  employer  pre- 
ferred to  remain  inside,  while  I was  out  on  deck.  I dis- 
covered a handsome  adolescent  seated  alone,  clad  in  a 
golf  suit,  which  always  heightened  to  me  a young  man’s 
charms.  I seated  myself  near  him,  dying  with  desire  to 
enter  into  conversation,  but  for  a while  unable  to  sur- 
mount my  bashfulness.  But  I soon  began  a conversation 
which  lasted  a large  part  of  the  night.  I drew  from  him 
the  whole  story  of  his  life.  His  last  adventure  had  been 
a bicycle  ride  from  Boston  to  New  York.  The  more  I 


Method  of  Leading  Up. 


181 


gazed  at  him,  the  more  I heard  about  his  life,  and  the  more 
I read  his  character  from  his  countenance,  his  manners, 
and  his  adventures,  the  more  did  I discover  in  him  lovable 
qualities.  His  ravishing  beauty,  his  countenance  ever 
beaming  with  smiles,  his  kindly  disposition  toward  me,  his 
hot  sensual  nature,  his  fearlessness,  dare-deviltry,  and 
thorough  recklessness,  and  his  intense  masculinity  in  gen- 
eral, attracted  me  so  strongly  that  I became  ready  — as 
already  stated  — to  run  the  great  risk  of  disclosing  to  my 
employer  my  perverted  nature,  and  thus  losing  the  excel- 
lent position  I held.  We  talked  on  numerous  subjects. 
After  I had  ascertained  that  he  was  a good-hearted  fellow 
who  would  not  easily  take  offense,  and  a Don  Juan,  I be- 
gan to  prepare  to  disclose  my  nature. 

“ You  have  a beautiful  golf  suit  on.” 

“ I shall  never  wear  the  rag  again  except  to  go  skating 
in  next  winter.” 

“ You  must  not  do  that.  It  sets  your  form  off  beau- 
tifully. You  are  the  handsomest  and  the  best-dressed  fel- 
low on  the  boat.” 

“ Thank  you.  I’d  give  you  a quarter  for  the  compli- 
ment if  I had  the  change.” 

“ You  appear  to  think  I am  flattering  you,  or  making 
sport  of  you,  but  I mean  what  I say.  You  have  a beau- 
tiful build,  and  know  how  to  dress  in  good  taste.” 

“ From  my  hips  down  I am  well  enough  built,  but  higher 
up  I am  too  skinny.” 

“ Not  a bit  of  it.  You  are  just  perfection  all  over. 
Your  form  is  as  beautiful  as  that  of  Apollo.” 

After  a while,  before  I had  been  able  to  come  to  the 
point  of  distinctly  disclosing  that  I was  an  invert,  he  said 


182 


Year  1898. 


he  must  go  inside  on  account  of  the  chilliness  of  the  air, 
and  I plead  with  him  not  to  go. 

“ I’ll  see  you  later.” 

“ Be  sure  not  to  forget.  I shall  be  in  misery  until  you 
are  again  by  my  side.” 

He  laughed,  apparently  not  yet  fully  understanding  my 
feeling  for  him,  and  departed.  A moment  later  I myself 
went  inside,  and  took  a seat  beside  my  employer.  My 
new  acquaintance  happened  to  pass,  and  gave  me  the 
sweetest,  most  loving  smile  I ever  received.  I was  dying 
to  follow  the  smiler,  but  feared  my  employer  would  detect 
my  attraction.  After  several  minutes,  I followed  in  the 
direction  in  which  he  had  disappeared,  and  finding  him 
seated  alone  a little  distance  off,  I whispered : “ Come 

out  on  deck.” 

We  seated  ourselves  close  together.  It  was  dark  and 
there  were  no  others  sitting  very  near.  I took  one  of  his 
hands  in  mine,  and  asked  if  I might  kiss  it.  He  replied : 
“ You  can  do  anything  to  me  you  want  to.” 

I now  opened  my  heart  to  him  fully.  Though  I loved 
him  even  to  frenzy,  I found  him  hardly  less  drawn  to  me. 
He  reciprocated  my  affection  as  no  lover  ever  before. 
We  sat  together  for  hours.  Soon  all  the  other  passengers 
had  retired,  and  I reclined  in  my  lord’s  arms.  Long 
after  midnight,  my  lord,  desiring  to  get  some  sleep,  re- 
peatedly requested  me  to  leave  him  for  the  night,  saying 
we  could  meet  again  in  Boston.  But  I knew  that  on  ac- 
count of  my  being  in  the  company  of  my  employer,  I could 
never  meet  the  young  man  again,  and  could  not  yet  tear 
myself  away.  Several  times  he  good-humoredly  wrenched 


A Measure  of  My  Affection. 


183 


himself  from  my  grip,  saying  he  must  get  some  sleep.  But 
each  time,  advancing  toward  the  taff-rail,  I would  call 
out:  “ 1 am  going  to  jump  into  the  sea  if  you  leave  me 
alone.”  With  other  intimates,  I had  used  the  ruse  of 
suicide  if  they  did  not  yield  to  my  entreaties,  but  they  had 
only  replied : “ If  you  want  to  be  such  a fool  as  to  kill 

yourself,  I won’t  stop  you.”  But  this  noble  fellow  ran 
after  me  and  restrained  me,  and  said  he  would  sit  up  a 
little  longer. 

Towards  four  a.  m.,  the  poor  young  man  was  in  a pre- 
dicament as  to  how  to  get  rid  of  me,  who  had  lost  my 
reason.  He  was  of  such  a kindly  disposition  that  he  did 
not  wish  to  hurt  or  offend  me,  but  my  continuous  kisses 
and  caresses  finally  became  so  annoying  that  in  the  hope 
of  bringing  an  end  to  them,  not  at  all  with  malice,  he 
clutched  me  by  the  throat  as  if  in  anger.  But  I ex- 
claimed: “Your  cruelty  only  makes  me  love  you  the 
more ! ” and  again  started  in  to  cover  him  with  kisses  — 
hair,  face,  hands,  arms,  and  clothing,  even  his  shoes. 

“ You  must  want  to  get  into  your  mouth  all  the  dust 
I picked  up  off  the  road  yesterday.” 

“ That’s  just  what  I do.  Its  coming  into  contact  with 
your  dear  body  has  transformed  it  and  etherialized  it. 
Oh,  I love  you  so  much!  So  much!  No  other  girl  ever 
worshipped  her  lord  as  I worship  you.  I know  it  is  wrong 
to  hate,  and  I pray  God  to  forgive  me,  but  I now  feel  only 
hatred  toward  everybody  who  stands  in  the  way  of  our 
being  one,  and  living  out  our  lives  together.” 

After  some  time,  as  a last  resort,  pretending  to  be  very 
angry,  he  kicked  me,  and  ordered  me  to  go  down  to  the 


184 


In  My  Twenty-Fifth  Year. 


other  end  of  the  boat.  Such  treatment  humiliated  and 
saddened  me,  because  I thought  it  an  evidence  that  I was 
despised.  I immediately  became  repentant  for  having  so 
imposed  on  his  good  nature,  asked  his  pardon,  and  de- 
parted. 

When  I left,  I expected  never  to  set  eyes  on  him  again.* 
The  next  morning  I purposely  lay  abed  very  late,  in  order 
that  he  might  have  taken  his  departure  before  I should 
leave  my  state-room.  I was  afraid  he  might  encounter  me 
with  my  employer,  and  in  some  way  betray  to  the  latter 
my  sexual  peculiarity.  But  as  it  happened,  he  also  did 
not  leave  the  boat  until  late,  and  caught  sight  of  me 
seated  at  the  breakfast  table  with  my  employer.  On  see- 
ing him  approach,  I was  stricken  with  terror,  fearing  he 
might  denounce  me.  As  he  passed,  I hardly  dared  look 
at  him.  He  made  a sign  for  me  to  rise  and  follow  him. 
For  fear  my  employer  might  somehow  suspect  something, 
and  in  order  to  discourage  any  farther  approach,  I ap- 
peared not  to  notice  his  beckoning.  Moreover,  I did  not 
dare  follow  him  immediately,  though  I would  have  given 
a fortune  to  have  been  at  full  liberty  to  do  so.  I re- 
alized that  I might  be  losing  forever  a companion  and 
mate  for  life  whom  I slavishly  adored. 

Five  minutes  afterward,  as  soon  as  I felt  I could  leave 
my  employer’s  side  without  exciting  his  suspicion,  I fol- 
lowed in  the  direction  the  young  man  had  taken,  but  saw 
nothing  of  him.  Wringing  my  hands  in  desperation,  I 
rushed  all  over  the  vessel,  peering  into  every  nook  and 
corner.  Then  I went  out  on  the  wharf,  and  looked  every- 
where there.  I returned  on  board,  and  searched  the  whole 


Loss  of  My  Best  Chance. 


185 


boat  from  top  to  bottom  three  times  before  giving  up  in 
despair.  What  a pang  went  through  my  heart  when  I 
found  he  had  gone  and  I not  heard  the  message  he  had 
evidently  wished  to  give  me!  Never  before  in  my  life  had 
I regretted  anything  as  much  as  not  having  inquired  his 
name  and  address.  As  I was  unwilling  to  give  my  own, 
I did  not  like  to  ask  for  his.  Furthermore,  during  our 
evening  together,  I did  not  anticipate  we  could  ever  meet 
again,  and  so  thought  it  useless  to  ask.  He,  probably, 
as  well  as  I,  preferred  that  his  identity  remain  unknown. 

I had  rarely  felt  more  disconsolate,  or  more  angry  with 
the  world,  and  I experienced  but  little  pleasure  during 
my  week  in  Boston.  All  the  time,  the  thought  upper- 
most in  my  mind  was  to  run  across  this  young  man  again. 
I spent  as  much  time  as  possible  in  the  most  frequented 
localities,  peering  into  the  face  of  every  young  man  who 
passed  to  see  if  he  were  not  the  one  for  whom  I was  pin- 
ing. Several  nights,  after  my  employer  had  retired,  I 
stole  out  of  my  room,  and  seated  myself  on  the  steps  of 
the  most  frequented  subway  station  until  midnight,  in  the 
forlorn  hope  of  meeting  by  chance  one  particular  indi- 
vidual out  of  the  million  in  the  Boston  metropolitan  dis- 
trict. 

He  had  informed  me  that  he  was  an  electrician.  I 
spent  many  hours  in  calling  at  shops  where  such  workmen 
had  their  headquarters.  Under  some  pretext,  I obtained 
permission  to  go  through  the  works,  and  looked  over 
every  young  man  employed  there.  I wrote  letters  to  a 
number  of  his  trade  whose  names  I found  in  the  city  di- 
rectory, inquiring  whether  I had  met  them  on  the  steamer. 


186 


Fairie  Adventures  in  Europe. 


On  returning  to  New  York,  I engaged  an  electrical  ap- 
prentice to  continue  the  search,  but  all  my  efforts  proved 
fruitless. 

******** 

I now  spent  five  months  in  Europe  with  my  employer. 
I was  generally  free  evenings,  and  during  our  stay  in  the 
large  cities,  spent  two  or  three  a week  with  beaux  that  I 
came  across.  I had  considerable  conversational  ability  in 
four  foreign  languages.  In  Paris  I generally  spent  my 
evenings  with  the  adolescent  porters  of  the  Gare  St.  Laz- 
aire,  and  in  Berlin  with  soldiers  whom  I met  in  the  Tier- 
garten.  Because  of  indiscretions,  I came  near  being  ar- 
rested in  Berlin  and  in  Naples.  In  only  one  instance  in 
Europe  was  an  attempt  made  to  extort  money  from  me, 
and  I yielded  rather  than  get  into  trouble. 

My  flirtations  in  Europe  were  uneventful.  I had  to 
be  far  more  cautious  there  for  fear  of  getting  into  trouble, 
and  associate  with  my  beaux  clad  as  a prosperous  citizen. 
As  they  necessarily  knew  that  I was  a person  of  attain- 
ments much  higher  than  the  average,  I was  restrained 
from  going  far  in  impersonation  of  a young  woman  or  a 
baby.  I found  that  throughout  the  large  cities,  fairies 
were  as  well  known  to  the  ultra-virile  adolescents  as  in 
New  York,  and  the  latter  were  equally  susceptible  to  the 
advances  of  the  former. 

In  my  unusually  wide  travels  in  America,  I have  never 
been  accosted  by  a pervert  or  an  invert.  But  during 
my  five  months’  sojourn  in  Europe,  I was  one  evening 
accosted  in  one  of  the  great  capitals  by  a fairie  sixteen 
years  of  age,  and  in  another  I was  accosted  in  a park  by 


Sexual  Impressions  of  Europe. 


187 


an  urning  of  twenty-six  (that  is,  a man  who  craved  mu- 
tual onanism).  My  impression  is  that  the  inhabitants  of 
the  large  cities  of  Europe  are  more  sex-mad  than  those  of 
American  cities  of  similar  size.  In  one  of  the  great  cap- 
itals (which  I do  not  name  out  of  charity)  inversion  and 
perversion  were  frightful  — incomparably  more  open,  at 
least,  than  in  New  York.  It  was  my  impression  that  there 
is  more  evanescent  homosexuality  — due  to  lack  of  op- 
portunities with  the  opposite  sex  — than  in  America. 
Apparently  the  denser  the  population,  the  more  widely 
extended  is  homosexuality. 

In  1899  I was  attracted  by  the  German  and  the  Dutch 
soldiers,  but  incomparably  less  than  by  the  American  sol- 
dier. They  did  not  appear  to  be  as  powerfully  built  or 
as  handsome,  nor  as  wild  and  reckless.  Their  uniforms 
impressed  me  as  far  less  fascinating.  I was  not  at  all 
attracted  by  the  French  soldiers,  because  I did  not  like 
their  uniform,  particularly  the  red  baggy  trousers,  and 
because  facial  hirsute  appendages  are  decidedly  abhor- 
rent to  me.  Likewise  the  British,  Swiss,  and  Italian  uni- 
forms impressed  me  as  detracting  from  the  masculinity  of 
the  wearer  instead  of  powerfully  contributing  to  it,  as  the 
American  uniform.  The  German,  Dutch,  and  particu- 
larly the  American  soldiers  Avere  the  only  ones  that  came 
up  to  my  idea  of  demigods. 

On  a sojourn  in  the  Old  World  in  1911,  I found  myself 
admiring  the  Moroccan,  Spanish,  Portuguese,  and  Rus- 
sian soldiers  to  about  the  same  degree  as  I have  always 
admired  the  American.  Indeed  the  Russians  impressed 
me  as  the  most  bewitching  in  the  world,  because  they  are 


188  First  Half  of  Open  Career  Ends. 

the  most  gigantic  and  the  most  savage-looking.  I now 
came  also  to  find  the  British  and  the  Italian  uniforms 
rather  attractive,  but  liked  the  French  and  Swiss  no  bet- 
ter than  before.  In  this  later  lengthy  sojourn,  I did  not 
once  seek  a beau,  and  had  only  feeble  desires  to  do  so, 
whereas  twelve  years  before  I had  a fierce,  irresistible, 
obsession  to  be  with  them  as  much  as  possible.  But  most 
of  all,  I was  restrained  by  the  presence  of  my  employer, 
who  left  me  no  good  opportunity  to  seek  other  company. 
******** 

After  holding  my  position  as  private  secretary  during 
my  middle  twenties  for  over  two  years,  I was  compelled 
to  resign  because  a tradesman’s  driver  who  frequently 
delivered  goods  at  the  house  of  my  employer  chanced  to 
identify  me  while  two  ruffians  were  demanding  blackmail 
on  the  Bowery.  I was  denounced  to  the  truckdriver  as 

a . Several  years  afterward  I learned  that 

knowledge  of  the  incident  probably  never  reached  my  em- 
ployer. 

At  this  point  in  my  life  I wrote  the  present  autobi- 
ography down  to  the  year  arrived  at  (1899),  having 
previously  kept  copious  diaries. 

The  scene  of  the  last  six  years  of  my  open  career  as  a 
fairie,  still  to  be  described,  lay  in  the  neighborhood  of  — 
and  in  large  part  on  — the  military  reservations  in  the 
suburbs.  Providence  granted  me  the  fulfillment  of  a fond 
dream  of  years  before  — to  be  a soldiers’  mignon.  I now 
decided  to  devote  exclusively  to  young  Mars  the  remainder 
of  my  youth  — - for  with  me  the  period  of  youth  con- 
tinued abnormally  long,  at  least  until  my  early  thirties. 


Year  1899 — I Become  Delicice  Militum. 


189 


In  1899,  at  the  age  of  twenty-five,  I successfully,  as 
Jennie  June,  passed  for  twenty.  At  the  close  of  my  open 
career,  when  I was  thirty-one,  I passed  for  twenty-four. 
As  already  remarked,  business  associates  who  have  not 
had  the  least  suspicion  of  my  being  an  invert  — chiefly 
because  they  did  not  know  of  the  existence  of  such  people 
i — have  declared  even  down  to  my  middle  forties  that  I 
have  not  ceased  to  be  remarkably  childlike  both  physically 
and  psychically.  If  I had  had  the  physique  and  psy- 
chical constitution  of  the  ordinary  man,  the  career  I am 
outlining  would  have  been  impossible.  But  Nature  has 
given  the  fairie  a physique  and  mentality  sui  generis. 

For  a passive  invert  to  make  captives  of  ultra-virile 
adolescents,  he  must  be  youthful,  with  facial  hair  eradi- 
cated or  clean-shaven,  of  somewhat  feminine  physique, 
looks,  and  manners,  a good  female-impersonator,  and  an 
expert  coquette.  Many  inverts  lack  these  qualities  that 
are  necessary  to  insure  a successful  career  as  a fairie, 
and  the  vast  majority  have  no  desires  along  this  line. 
Some  inverts,  as  well  as  some  females,  seem  to  be  predes- 
tined by  Nature  for  the  profession  of  fille  de  joie. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  professional  fairie  of  the  lowest 
class  of  public  house  could  not  have  had  the  long  career 
around  the  forts  that  I had  because  the  soldiers  would 
not  have  tolerated  the  presence  there  of  such  a depraved 
being.  The  second  half  of  my  open  career  was  possible 
because  while  having  the  coquetry  and  craze  for  venery 
of  the  depraved  fairie,  I had  also  the  refinement,  outwai-d 
modesty,  and  general  rectitude  which  are  to  be  expected 
in  an  androgyne  brought  up  as  a puritan  and  graduated 


190  Paragon  of  Morality  Outside  Sexual. 

at  a university.  I repeat  that  throughout  my  career  as 
a fairie  — apart  from  the  coquetry  and  venery  just 
named  — I lived  up  to  the  highest  ethical  standards,  and 
never  knowingly  inflicted  the  least  detriment  on  a single 
soul. 

More  than  once  before  the  opening  of  this  second  half 
of  my  open  career,  I had  thought  that  my  period  of  flirta- 
tion was  at  an  end.  Particularly  on  account  of  my  age, 
having  now  entered  my  twenty-sixth  year,  I had  thought 
no  more  romantic  adventures  could  be  mine.  But  it 
turned  out  that  these  six  years,  even  the  last  of  them, 
when  I was  thirty-one,  were  full  of  adventures  as  roman- 
tic as  I had  ever  had. 

When  I dedicated  myself  to  the  career  of  a soldiers’ 
mignon,  I was  well  aware  that  these  men  are  particularly 
subject  to  venereal  disease  — and  I ultimately  contracted 
anal  and  buccal  venereal  warts,  syphilis,  and  gonorrhea 
from  them,  whereas  during  the  first  half  of  my  career,  I 
had  had  close  to  700  liaisons  with  civilian  adolescents 
without  contracting  any  disease  so  far  as  I knew.  But  I 
gladly  assumed  this  greatly  increased  risk  because  of 
the  ultravirility  and  general  terribleness  of  the  class  in 
question.  This  terribleness  is  applicable  only  to  the  pro- 
fessional common  soldier  when  the  nation  is  at  peace. 

I asked  an  unusually  attractive  artilleryman  whom  I met 
on  the  Bowery  if  I might  visit  him  at  his  barracks,  and 
one  evening  made  the  journey.  I was  conducted  to  his 
squad-room,  but  he  was  not  in.  I found  myself  in  what 
was  to  me  a sensual  paradise  containing  about  a dozen 
youthful  soldiers  busy  at  different  things.  I could  not 


Debut  at  Fort  X. 


191 


think  of  departing  even  though  my  friend  was  out.  I 
began  to  talk  effeminately  and  babyishly.  I was  imme- 
diately hailed  as  a fairie,  and  shown  to  a seat  on  a bunk, 
having  around  me  the  arms  of  two  soldiers,  with  several 
others  sitting  or  Wing  on  the  same  bunk  and  caressing 
me.  It  was  almost  the  same  as  if  a maiden  had  suddenly 
appeared  in  their  midst.  I outwomaned  woman  for  their 
entertainment  and  because  I was  fascinated. 

I was  so  enthusiastically  received  that  I made  the  de- 
cision already  described,  and  for  the  period  of  a little 
more  than  two  years  visited  this  military  reservation  one 
evening  a week,  devoting  all  the  rest  of  my  time  to 
scholarly  pursuits. 

For  some  weeks  I enjoyed  the  rare  pleasure  of  associa- 
tion with  my  idols  in  a squad-room  or  in  a non-commis- 
sioned officer’s  private  room,  and  had  the  run  of  all  the 
other  rooms,  since  practically  everybody  looked  upon  me 
the  same  as  on  an  unoffending  tabby-cat  that  might  in- 
vade their  quarters.  I was  even  put  to  bed  in  the  bar- 
racks as  tenderly  as  a mother  puts  her  babe  in  its  cradle. 

I have  always  shrunk  with  horror  from  handling  the 
weapons  of  warfare  myself,  but  they  had  a wonderful 
fascination  for  me  when  in  the  hands  of  soldiers,  or  when 
seen  stacked  in  the  squad-rooms. 

A typical  evening  in  a squad-room : On  my  entering, 
the  soldiers  shout  goodnaturedly : “Hello  Jennie,  old 
girl ! ” 

“ Hello  all  you  big  braves  ! ” 

The  rumor  soon  spreads  to  other  squad-rooms  that 
“Jennie  June”  is  making  a visit,  and  a score  or  more 


192  An  Evening  in  a Squad-Room. 

soon  gather  about  me.  I always  came  loaded  down  with 
cigarettes  and  other  things  that  soldiers  are  fond  of,  ex- 
cept intoxicants.  One  youthful  soldier  after  another 
rolls  back  his  sleeves  and  displays  tattooed  figures  for  me 
to  rave  over : “ That  proves  you  are  completely  mas- 

culine, and  I worship  you  for  having  it  done.”  Others 
double  back  their  right  arms  and  let  me  feel  of  their 
biceps  : “ I call  you  ‘ Strength  ! ’ I call  you  ‘ Power  ! ’ 

I call  you  a man  of  iron ! Mighty  man  of  war ! Mighty 
man  of  valor  ! Mighty  man  of  renown  ! ” 

Later  one  who  meets  me  for  the  first  time  asks : “ Do 

you  call  yourself  a girl?  In  all  my  life  I never  vidi 
puellam  cum  peni ! ” 

“ I know  I am  only  part  girl.  I have  a girl’s  mind  and 
breasts  and  my  body  otherwise  is  much  like  a girl’s.” 

“ If  you  don’t  believe  Jennie  is  a girl,  just  feel  of  her 
breasts.” 

Several  stick  their  hands  into  my  bosom.  “ He’s  got  a 
girl’s  breasts  all  right.” 

They  ask  me  to  sing,  listen  attentively,  and  then  re- 
mark: “That  is  a high  tenor.  It  has  an  effect  on  the 
voice  all  right.” 

“ Are  you  and  I of  the  same  sex?  ” I ask,  taking  pleas- 
ure in  our  physical  and  psychical  contrasts. 

“No,  Jennie,  you  are  a baby,  and  we  are  the  big,  big 
braves.” 

My  presence  would  inspire  them  to  an  evening  of  in- 
nocent frolicking,  and  they  would  play  pranks  on  me,  for 
example,  dancing  around  the  room  shrieking  like  wild 
Indians,  brandishing  their  swords,  and  banging  them  on 


Hecatontandry . 


193 


the  floor.  I would  respond  to  their  pranks  in  the  manner 
they  were  looking  for.  They  thought  that  I had  only  the 
mental  capacity  of  a girl-boy  weakling,  as  I did  not  com- 
pose my  own  songs  until  after  more  than  two  years  of 
association  with  them. 

In  the  barracks  I was  always  outwardly  modest  and 
frowned  on  decidedly  improper  advances,  but  my  venery 
in  private  soon  set  a minority  against  me  so  that  entrance 
to  the  barracks  was  forbidden.  I had  a craze  for  heca- 
tontandry, and  achieved  it.  In  a letter  I wrote:  “You 
know  by  that  act  [fellatio],  you  and  I are  bound  together 
in  a new  and  close  relation  of  friendship,  in  a sort  of 
wedlock.  We  stand  henceforth  forever  in  the  relation  of 
husband  and  wife,  whether  you  will  or  not.  Therefore 
please  always  remember  me  as  more  nearly  related  to  you, 
more  completely  a part  of  your  life  and  being,  than  your 
soldier  comrades.” 

In  summer  I would  linger  after  retreat  near  the  gate 
of  the  fort  to  watch  the  soldiers  start  out  to  seek  their 
evening’s  recreation.  A hundred  would  pass,  and  nearly 
every  one  call  out  a pleasant  greeting:  “Hello  sweet- 
heart ! ” “ Hello  little  wife  ! ” I would  reply : “ Hello 

you  dare-devil ! ” “ Hello  you  dark-eyed  beauty  ! ” etc. 

I was  occasionally  robbed  or  blackmailed  by  evilminded 
ones,  and  was  several  times  handed  over  to  the  police  by 
such  as  misunderstood  me.  But  the  police  alwaj^s  re- 
fused to  place  me  under  arrest,  and  even  acted  as  a body- 
guard against  the  very  few  soldiers  who  loathed  an  ef- 
feminate male  and  sought  to  inflict  pain.  My  conduct  in 
public  was  always  above  reproach,  although  I have  been 


194 


Ethics  of  My  Conduct. 


forced  at  night  on  a public  road  by  half-intoxicated  ado- 
lescents who  happened  to  run  across  me.  Discovery  in 
the  bushes  by  pedestrians  only  thirty  feet  away  would 
have  placed  me  in  peril  of  long  imprisonment.  On  one  oc- 
casion the  two  soldiers  had  threatened  to  cut  my  throat 
if  I made  a sound,  and  they  themselves  did  not  stir  from 
their  positions  (Simul  fellatio  atque  paedicatio). 

As  to  the  ethics  of  my  conduct  in  the  vicinity  of  the 
barracks,  it  was  not  immoral.  The  ordinary  woman  has 
only  one  lord,  to  whom  she  is  bound  “ until  death  do 
part.”  My  lot  was  to  have  practically  at  one  time  a 
hundred,  who  were  not  forcibly  and  permanently  linked 
up  with  me.  There  were  not  the  reasons  for  monandry 
and  for  permanency  that  exist  in  the  former  case.  As 
to  race-suicide,  my  associates  were  legally  bound  not  to 
rear  families.  From  the  standpoint  of  their  health,  rela- 
tions with  me  were  safer  than  with  the  ordinary  purveyors. 
Furthermore,  they  told  me  that  no  exhaustion  supervened 
the  next  day,  as  in  my  own  case.  I was  not  bent  pri- 
marily on  coition,  but  on  social  intercourse  tinged  with 
flirtation.  I never  solicited.  It  was  not  necessary,  as 
every  one  knew  me. 

Over  two  years  now  went  by  of  an  existence  rendered 
very  delectable  by  reason  of  association  with  young  Mars 
one  evening  a week,  all  the  rest  of  my  time,  as  usual, 
being  devoted  to  scholarly  pursuits.  I was  then  called 
upon  to  say  good-by  — as  I feared,  forever  — to  my 
much  coveted  position  of  pet  of  a fort,  which  I was  in 
large  measure.  Spermatorrhea,  from  which  I had  suf- 
fered acutely  since  the  age  of  sixteen,  had  come  to  a 


Driven  to  a Stripling. 


195 


crisis.  For  the  past  two  years,  while  looking  to  be  in 
good  health,  I had  suffered  intensely  from  mental  and 
physical  prostration,  due  almost  entirely  to  ejaculations 
during  sleep  but  in  small  part  to  nervous  shock  following 
fellatio. 

Neurasthenia  now  confined  me  for  six,. months  to  the 
village  home  of  my  parents.  The  “ procreative  ” instinct 
gave  me  no  rest,  just  as  a drug  fiend  has  none  when  denied 
his  anodyne.  Night  after  night  I roamed  the  streets  in 
the  factory  section.  On  two  occasions  I was  successful. 
On  a third  I was  crazed  by  enforced  abstinence  for  over  a 
month.  I encountered  a youth  just  under  puberty.  I 
clandestinely  ascertained  that  he  did  not  know  me,  did 
not  attend  the  same  church,  and  was  employed  in  a part 
of  the  village  where  he  was  not  likely  to  run  across  me. 
I was  a shoemaker,  just  arrived  in  the  village  looking  for 
work.  I was  lonely  and  languishing  for  company.  A 
burden  was  oppressing  me  and  I needed  a confidant. 
Would  he  be  my  confidant?  Would  he  promise  to  keep 
strictly  to  himself  what  I -was  about  to  tell?  Had  he 
heard  of  hermaphrodites?  1 I was  one. 

I found  that  to  permit  fellatio  was  decidedly  against 
his  tastes,  and  plead  earnestly  that  he  would  show  me 
compassion,  at  the  same  time  offering  money.  His  final 
answer  was : “ I was  not  brought  up  that  way.  I would 

never  permit  it.  I am  a Christian.” 

Fearing  he  would  raise  an  alarm,  and  I would  be  ar- 

i As  this  term  is  commonly  a part  of  the  vocabulary  of  laboring 
men,  I sometimes  used  it  in  reference  to  myself,  as  they  would  not 
have  understood  the  proper  term.  I am  of  course  not  an  hermaphro^ 
dite  in  the  present  signification  of  that  term. 


196 


Spermatorrhea. 


rested  and  my  family  disgraced,  I sprinted  away.  After 
a few  seconds  I looked  back  to  see  whether  I was  followed. 
My  terror  produced  the  hallucination  of  a mob.  I 
sprinted  around  corner  after  corner  and  did  not  rest 
until  some  distance  outside  the  village,  where  I found  a 
hiding  place  and  moaned  and  complained  to  my  Creator 
over  my  lot. 

I was  now  afraid  to  show  myself  in  the  village,  and 
unutterably  downcast  at  being  the  victim  of  an  obsession 
which  led  me  to  commit  what  are  commonly  regarded  as 
revolting  crimes.  From  this  consideration,  and  also  be- 
cause of  the  wrecking  of  my  health  through  emissions  dur- 
ing sleep,  I decided  on  immediate  castration.  Minor  mo- 
tives were  that  I would  prefer  to  possess  one  less  mark  of 
the  male,  and  that  I thought  the  facial  hair  cells  would 
cease  to  function  and  I thus  be  rid  of  my  most  detested 
and  most  troublesome  badge  of  masculinity. 

From  the  age  of  seventeen  to  nineteen,  on  the  day  fol- 
lowing an  ejaculation  during  sleep,  I would  be  feeble,  very 
forgetful,  and  would  stammer.  From  nineteen  on,  after 
I had  begun  to  yield  to  instinct,  the  ill  effects  were  much 
less  marked  until  during  my  twenty-eighth  year  — the 
point  of  time  at  which  this  autobiography  has  arrived  — 
when  my  eyes  were  dim  for  one  or  two  daj^s  following,  my 
hearing  was  somewhat  disarranged,  and  my  heart  abnor- 
mal in  its  action.  During  this  period  of  eleven  years, 
various  remedies  prescribed  by  physicians  were  without 
effect.  I happened  to  be  a globe-trotter,  and  thereby 
discovered  that  travelling,  particularly  sea  voyages,  much 
diminished  the  ejaculations.  It  is  necessary  here  to  re- 


Castrated  at  Twenty-Seven. 


197 


mind  the  reader  that  both  solitary  and  mutual  onanism 
were  always  entirely  unknown  to  me,  and  that  in  my 
sexual  life,  my  pudenda  were  practically  non-existent. 

Castration,  by  removing  the  exhausting  effects  of  emis- 
sions, gave  me  a new  lease  on  life.  I also  believe  it  saved 
to  me  my  sight  and  hearing.  But  with  the  testicles  I 
lost  a very  large  part  of  my  physical  strength.  I was  a 
semi-invalid  for  five  years  following.  For  example,  the 
upper  limit  of  my  afternoon  walks  declined  from  ten  to 
three  miles.  But  myr  debility  did  not  affect  my  looks  or 
interfere  seriously  with  the  practice  of  my  profession. 
If,  on  days  when  I felt  tolerably^  vigorous,  I stirred  about 
uncommonly,  I would  be  prostrated  for  from  two  to 
seven  days  following.  It  appeared  as  if  the  muscular 
waste  was  not  eliminated  from  the  blood  as  before  castra- 
tion, but  remained  in  my  syrstem  as  a poison,  rendering 
me  dazed,  taking  the  edge  off  my  intellect,  and  enervating 
my  body7.  I could  spare  my  mental  faculties  for  use  in 
myT  profession  only  by  leading  a very  quiet  life,  slow  and 
limited  in  physical  movement. 

But  beginning  about  five  years  after  castration  and 
continuing  for  ten  years,  I was  physically  as  vigorous  as 
before.  Apparently  my  system  found  some  other  way 
of  accomplishing  the  alteration  in  the  blood  usually  the 
work  of  the  testicles.  Simultaneously  with  this  return 
of  my  strength,  the  increase  in  adipose  tissue  following 
castration  in  large  part  disappeared.  For  ten  years  I 
remained  in  this  physical  condition,  when  suddenly,  within 
about  six  weeks,  adipose  tissue  rapidly  increased  and  has 
rendered  my  figure  for  two  years,  down  to  the  date  of 


198 


Effects  of  Castration. 


writing  (1918),  that  “ of  a fat  frau  in  the  last  stages  of 
pregnancy,”  to  quote  the  words  of  business  associates. 
I simultaneously  returned  to  the  low  degree  of  physical 
strength  obtaining  immediately  after  castration. 

The  following  is  my  weight,  stripped,  at  various  ages ; 
20-25,  110  pounds ; at  castration  at  27,  128 ; 29-32, 
143;  32-4<2,  133;  two  years  following  (1916-1918),  160. 
After  castration  it  required  two  years  to  rise  gradually 
from  128  to  14)3.  My  obesity  is  entirely  due  to  castra- 
tion, as  slenderness  is  universal  in  my  family. 

After  castration,  ejaculations  during  sleep  gradually 
declined  in  frequency,  but  continued,  with  the  emission  of 
a sticky  fluid  of  the  appearance  of  semen,  for  about  nine 
months.  But  dreams  of  ejaculations  — that  is,  a sort  of 
pseudo-ejaculations  — occurred  about  once  a fortnight 
for  several  years,  and  about  once  in  three  months  as  late 
as  fourteen  years  after  castration.  I would  be  dreaming 
of  fellatio,  and  seemed  to  feel  the  muscular  contractions 
that  take  place  during  ejaculation.  Awakening  in  alarm, 
it  seemed  that  I must  find  some  fluid,  but  did  not. 

Even  up  to  more  than  three  years  after  castration,  I 
occasionally  during  fellatio  experienced  the  spasm,  when 
I could  distinctly  feel  the  contractions  ductus  ejacula- 
torii,  as  if  to  push  along  the  semen,  although  nothing 
would  exude.  At  those  times  I would  utter  a spasmodic 
groan. 

Fourteen  years  after  castration,  when  I had  not  ex- 
perienced an  emission  for  six  years,  I was  with  a compan- 
ion who  held  the  palm  for  amativeness  among  all  that  I 
had  known.  Amplexus  ejus  fervidi  induxerunt  in  me 


Craze  for  Fellatio  Diminishes. 


199 


emissionem  copiosam.  I immediately  dismissed  him  be- 
cause of  my  extreme  exhaustion,  and  expected  to  be  pro- 
strated the  following  day,  as  before  castration,  but  found 
myself  with  vigor  of  mind  and  body  unimpaired. 

Down  to  seventeen  years  after  castration,  there  has 
been  no  effect  on  my  facial  hair.  Possibly  it  has  thinned 
and  made  more  tenuous  the  hair  on  trunk  and  limbs. 
The  consequent  deposit  of  adipose  tissue  has  increased 
the  prominence  of  my  breasts,  but  before  castration  these 
were  almost  as  large  as  in  some  women.  The  operation 
greatly  increased  the  deleterious  effect  of  fellatio  on  my 
health.  One  indulgence  a week  was  more  detrimental  than 
a score  a wreek  during  my  “ low-class  fairie  ” period.  If 
I had  now  been  as  intemperate  as  then,  I believe  I would 
have  become  violently  insane. 

Not  until  two  years  after  castration  was  there  per- 
ceptible a diminution  in  my  craze  for  fellatio.  It  was 
probably  the  result  of  the  operation,  but  possibly  due  to 
satiety  or  to  age  (my  thirtieth  year).  What  probably 
contributed  most  to  my  moderation  after  reaching  the 
age  of  thirty  was  the  greatly  increased  deleterious  effect 
of  fellatio.  I shrank  from  the  penalty  of  from  two  to 
five  days  of  semi-prostration  placed  by  Nature  on  a half- 
hour’s  fellatio.  On  the  other  hand,  amplexus  sine  fel- 
latione  had  no  ill  effects. 

As  to  the  effect  of  castration  on  my  mental  faculties,  I 
am  of  the  opinion  — seventeen  years  after  the  operation 
— that  there  has  been  no  effect  either  good  or  bad.  I am 
convinced,  however,  that  the  congenital  unusually  sharp 
edge  of  my  intellect  has  been  very  much  dulled  perman- 


200 


Effect  on  Mental  Faculties. 


ently  by  the  years  of  excessive  emissions  during  sleep. 
But  I am  not  convinced  that  my  career  as  a fairie  has 
contributed.  Subsequently  to  the  age  of  twenty-three  I 
have  been  a very  poor  listener,  unable  to  focus  my  atten- 
tion, particularly  on  conversation.  Much  goes  into  one 
ear  and  out  the  other  notwithstanding  my  best  efforts  at 
attention.  It  is  a species  of  mental  deafness.  I hear 
the  words  distinctly  but  cannot  grasp  their  significance. 
The  only  other  considerable  diminution  of  my  youthful 
keenness  of  mind  is  my  slowness  since  passing  the  age  of 
twenty-five  in  unravelling  a problem,  and  in  arriving  at 
a decision  on  any  matter.  For  example,  as  a student,  I 
could  see  through  a mathematical  problem  almost  as 
“ quick  as  a flash.”  More  and  more  as  I have  grown 
older  I am  very  dense  in  mathematical  reasoning. 

To  sum  up  seventeen  years  after  castration  — I have 
always  been  of  the  opinion  that  it  was  the  only  thing  to 
have  done.  But  on  account  of  even  the  slight  risk  at- 
tached to  the  operation,  and  particularly  the  resultant 
diminution  of  physical  vigor,  I would  not  advise  that 
other  inverts  be  castrated  unless  they  suffer  seriously 
from  spermatorrhea. 

******** 

On  my  trip  to  New  York  in  order  to  be  castrated,  I 
had  my  first  opportunity  in  five  months  to  go  on  a female- 
impersonation  spree.  On  the  Bowery  I met  two  youthful 
artillerymen.  On  our  parting  they  gave  me  their  names 
and  invited  me  to  call  at  their  barracks,  which,  to  obviate 
notoriety,  I will  refer  to  as  “ Ft.  Y.”  I will  likewise 
hereafter  refer  to  my  first  military  stamping  ground  as 
“ Ft.  X.” 


Sample  Letter. 


201 


Two  months  after  castration  I resumed  my  vocation 
and  residence  in  New  York,  and  my  first  care  was  to  dis- 
patch the  following: 

0 my  adored  artilleryman, 

I am  very  sad  and  lonely.  My  heart  is  at  the  point  of 
bursting  through  pining  for  you.  I want  to  visit  you  at 
the  barracks.  I want  to  see  where  the  dear  soldiers  sleep 
and  I want  to  eat  in  the  mess-hall  with  them.  Could  you 
not  let  me  spend  a few  days  with  you  in  the  barracks? 
You  can  tell  the  fellows  I am  your  cousin.  I wish  I could 
live  with  warriors  all  the  time.  My  highest  earthly  joy 
is  to  be  in  a squad-room  and  with  soldiers.  . . . What 
do  you  see  in  a girl  to  love?  In  a fellow  I see  strength, 
boldness,  recklessness,  pugnacity,  a manly  walk,  and 
fierceness  of  expression,  which  cause  me  to  fall  down  be- 
fore him  in  adoration.  . . . 

Your  baby, 

Jennie  June 

After  receiving  a satisfactory  reply,  I one  afternoon, 
according  to  appointment,  arrived  at  the  barracks’  rail- 
road station.  Two  soldiers  were  waiting,  but  not  the 
two  I had  met.  I inquired  if  they  knew  A.  B.  One  re- 
plied that  he  was  A.  B.,  and  they  tried  to  pass  as  the  two 

1 had  met.  I declared  he  was  not  A.  B.,  but  he  proved 
his  identity  by  displaying  wearing  apparel  I had  sent  him 
and  the  letters  I had  written.  I had  been  corresponding 
with  a total  stranger.  Nevertheless  I accompanied  them 
and  they  entertained  me  royally. 


202 


Debut  at  Fort  Y. 


They  refused  to  take  me  to  the  barracks,  as  they  did 
not  wish  to  be  seen  in  my  company  by  the  other  soldiers. 
They  also  refused  to  tell  me  the  names  of  my  two  Bowery 
acquaintances,  but  inadvertently  referred  to  one  by  a 
nickname.  I went  to  the  barracks  and  hunted  for  its 
owner  until  I found  him.  He  received  me  hospitably. 
As  companionship  with  soldiers  in  a squad-room  was  for 
me  the  best  of  earth’s  paradises,  I had  the  intention  at 
Ft.  Y to  conduct  myself  invariably  on  the  military  reser- 
vation just  like  a normal  young  man,  so  that  I would 
not  be  barred  from  the  squad-rooms,  as  had  happened  at 
Ft.  X because  I had  acted  the  fairie  in  these  rooms. 

Nevertheless  the  fact  that  I was  a fairie  spread  rapidly, 
and  all  eyes  were  fastened  upon  me  wherever  I moved. 
I learned  later  that  my  love  letters  had  been  handed 
around  for  every  one  to  read.  When  my  call  ended,  a 
crowd  of  fifty  soldiers  gathered  on  the  porch  to  see  me 
off.  In  addition  every  window  was  filled  with  soldiers 
calling  out : “ Hello  Jennie  June ! ” “ Hello  sweet- 

heart ! ” Under  such  an  incentive,  I yielded  to  the  im- 
pulses of  a coquette  and  gave  a female-impersonation, 
much  to  the  delight  of  my  audience.  I was  overjoyed  at 
receiving  attentions  simultaneously  from  a hundred  young 
Mars.  I was  never  better  dressed,  blue  suit  bound  with 
braid  — as  ornamental  as  a man  not  in  uniform  could 
possibly  wear  — and  large  red  bow  with  ends  hanging 
down  below  the  coat-collar,  the  bow  constituting  the 
badge  of  fairie-ism.  The  skin  of  my  face  was  as  soft 
and  smooth  as  that  of  a baby,  I having  only  just  pulled 
out  every  hair  by  the  roots. 


Events  of  1902. 


203 


Possibly  on  account  of  its  being  just  before  retreat, 
only  one  soldier  followed  when  I took  my  departure,  and 
one  with  whom  I had  never  exchanged  a word.  He 
scraped  acquaintance  and  demonstrated  himself  to  be  an 
ideal  associate  for  an  androgyne.  But  he  was  a born  and 
bold  robber,  ransacked  my  pockets,  and  even  helped  him- 
self to  some  of  my  wearing  apparel.  Nevertheless  for  the 
two  years  following,  he  was  my  special  partner  at  Ft.  Y, 
always  picking  my  pockets  mercilessly  and  fearlessly  as 
soon  as  we  met,  but  otherwise  an  ideal  lord  and  master. 
I adored  him  because  he  was  marvellously  handsome, 
strong,  and  brave,  as  well  as  because  he  was  one  of  the 
greatest  desperadoes  I ever  met. 

From  this  date  on,  in  the  summer  of  1902,  until  the 
summer  of  1905,  which  saw  the  close  of  my  open  career 
as  a fairie,  I made  it  a practice  to  spend  an  evening  (in 
warm  weather  generally  including  the  afternoon)  one 
week  at  Ft.  Y,  and  the  alternate  week  at  Ft.  X.  Having 
the  closest  of  friendships  at  both  forts,  I had  thus  to 
divide  my  time  between  them.  Because  of  the  demands 
on  me  in  my  ordinary  scholarly  career,  I could  not  give 
to  the  “ Jennie  June  ” side  of  existence  any  more  time 
than  that  mentioned,  although  I would  have  very  much 
liked  to  be  with  my  idols  continuously. 

The  time  that  I did  spend  with  the  soldiers  was  almost 
entirely  devoted  to  innocent  frolicking.  I was  to  a large 
extent  the  medium  through  which  they  got  joy  out  of 
life.  For  example,  they  have  given  me  names  of  com- 
rades and  even  of  commissioned  officers  as  their  own,  with 
the  request  for  a love  letter.  Until  I learned  of  the  de- 
ception, the  letters  went.  I was  told  that  my  love  letters 


204. 


Frolicking  with  Soldiers. 


and  songs  were  tacked  to  the  fort  bulletin  boards  in  order 
that  every  one  might  have  the  opportunity  to  read  them. 
Several  times  at  the  beginning  of  my  visits  to  Ft.  Y,  I 
was  received  in  the  squad-rooms.  Soldiers  danced  with 
me  there,  making  believe  I was  their  girl.  I was  other- 
wise their  plaything,  being  paraded  about  on  their  shoul- 
ders or  lying  in  a stretcher,  being  tossed  up  in  a blanket, 
etc.  I joined  with  them  in  base-ball  and  foot-ball,  of 
course  not  in  regular  games,  as  I was  as  awkward  as  the 
average  girl  in  these  sports,  being  merely  the  buffoon  of 
the  game.  Thus  taking  part  in  the  pastimes  of  the  sol- 
diers was  to  me  one  of  the  highest  pleasures  of  life. 

Of  course  they  always  regarded  me  as  a girl-boy  weak- 
ling. Policy  required  that  I always  represent  myself  as 
a person  of  no  talents  except  those  of  the  fairie,  and  as  a 
person  occupying  a humble  station  in  life.  Otherwise 
some  of  a vicious  turn  of  mind  would  have  followed  me 
up  with  the  purpose  of  blackmail,  as  was  done  in  1905, 
when  the  thirst  for  money  suddenly  put  an  end  to  my 
association  with  soldiers  of  one  fort  and  almost  occasioned 
my  murder.  Some  quizzed  me  from  time  to  time  in  order 
to  ascertain  whether  I was  worth  following  up,  but  I 
saved  the  situation  through  subterfuge.  While  they  were 
ignorant  that  I belonged  habitually  to  a high  social  stra- 
tum, I lost  only  trifling  sums  through  robbery  and  black- 
mail. 

They  looked  upon  me  as  a rather  remarkable  individual. 
One  of  them  told  a policeman  in  my  presence  that  I had 
been  the  talk  of  the  fort  for  months.  In  a parade  in 
which  my  soldier  friends  took  part,  I as  spectator  oc- 


/ 


Popularity  and  Fame  Achieved.  205 

cupied  a rather  prominent  position  on  the  very  edge  of 
the  line,  and  from  rank  after  rank  as  they  passed,  I dis- 
tinguished the  words:  “There’s  Jennie  June.”  At  an 
inter-fort  ball  game  at  which  there  were  500  spectators, 
amid  the  continuous  shouting,  a score  got  together  on 
my  arrival  and  several  times  in  unison  shouted  “Jennie 
June ! ” I achieved  popularity  at  both  forts,  although 
a small  percentage  proved  irreconcilable. 

When  soldiers  of  Forts  X and  Y met  at  athletic  con- 
tests, they  interchanged  stories  about  my  adventures. 
At  the  army  manoeuvres  in  Virginia  in  1905,  in  which 
soldiers  from  all  the  forts  in  states  bordering  on  the  At- 
lantic took  part,  my  peculiarities  and  adventures  were 
spread  broadcast,  as  I learned  through  encountering  on 
the  Bowery  a soldier  from  a fort  which  I had  never 
visited  who  had  just  returned  from  the  manoeuvres.  Re- 
alizing that  as  “ Jennie  June  ” I was  very  widely  known 
among  soldiers,  I made  it  a practice  of  asking  those  whom 
I ran  across  in  New  York  if  they  had  ever  heard  of 
“ Jennie  June.”  A considerable  proportion,  before  I 
revealed  my  identity,  were  able  to  recount  adventures  in 
which  I had  figured. 

During  this  closing  period  of  my  open  career  as  a 
fairie,  I was  indeed  very  widely  known  personally.  On 
the  streets  and  on  public  conveyances  when  amid  New 
York’s  crowds,  I was  a number  of  times  accosted  by 
young  men,  some  of  whom  I could  not  remember,  but  who 
had  seen  me  somewhere  and  knew  me  as  Jennie  June. 
Several  times  as  many  people  knew  me  under  this  name 
and  character  as  under  my  real  masculine  name. 


206 


Adventures  at  the  Forts. 


I overran  the  two  military  reservations  as  no  other 
civilian  would  have  been  allowed  to.  Soldiers  on  or  off 
guard  would  escort  me  under  or  behind  the  fortifications, 
beyond  the  “ dead  line  ” for  all  other  civilians.  Some- 
times at  night  when  I had  learned  that  one  of  my  intimates 
was  on  guard  on  a certain  beat,  I would  seek  him.  Per- 
haps I would  run  up  against  a stranger  on  guard,  but 
one  who  knew  me  by  sight  or  reputation.  A voice  out  of 
the  darkness:  “Halt!  Who  goes  there?”  “Jennie 
June.”  “ Advance  to  be  recognized!  ” On  half  such  oc- 
casions I received  the  most  enthusiastic  welcome,  and  al- 
ways at  least  kindness  and  permission  to  go  on  my  way. 

When  I met  an  acquaintance  on  guard  at  night,  I would 
kiss  his  rifle  and  bayonet  as  being  the  emblems  of  the  high- 
est function  of  the  mere  animal  man.  I would  also  kiss 
his  gloves  and  his  hat,  and  shower  the  rest  of  his  clothing 
with  kisses. 

Sometimes  I was  admitted  for  an  hour  or  two  in  the 
guard-house,  where  the  soldiers  waiting  for  their  turn  at 
guard  would  while  away  their  time  in  spooning  with  me, 
imagining  that  I was  a complete  physical  puella.  I was 
even  introduced  near  midnight  into  the  prisoners’  quar- 
ters. To  be  thus  handed,  over  to  the  youthful  military 
prisoners  — in  general  the  wildest  and  roughest  of  all 
humanity  — was  the  attainment  of  the  very  height  of  my 
ambition  as  a fairie. 

On  my  departure  for  home,  as  high  as  a dozen  have 
escorted  me  at  night  along  the  deserted  country  roads 
and  through  the  woods.  Thoroughly  fatigued  after  an 
hour,  and  refusing  to  go  on,  I would  have  my  wrists 


Adventures  with  Policemen. 


207 


twisted,  and  be  slapped  and  pinched  into  obedience.  But 
not  one  of  the  500  acquaintances  at  Ft.  Y ever  inflicted 
pain  because  of  ill  will,  and  only  six  or  seven  of  the  500 
at  Ft.  X.  I had  remarkable  success  in  winning  the  favor 
of  men  who  before  learning  to  know  me  personally  de- 
tested me  because  they  thought  I was  of  the  type  of  fairie 
to  be  found  in  the  lowest  of  New  York’s  dens  of  vice. 
Personal  acquaintance  convinced  them  that  I was  an  in- 
dividual devoid  of  all  vices  except  coquetry  and  dalliance. 

In  the  vicinity  of  X,  I several  times  came  into  contact 
with  the  police,  who  came  to  know  me  as  a fairie.  The 
youthful  ones  would  chat  in  a friendly  manner,  but  some 
of  the  older  ones,  to  whom  soldiers  who  had  not  learned 
my  inoffensive  character  had  denounced  me  as  an  un- 
desirable person  to  have  around,  have  heartlessly  ordered 
me  off  their  beat,  and  warned  me  never  to  be  seen  there 
again  under  penalty  of  arrest.  I thereafter  sought  to 
avoid  them,  but  nothing  ever  resulted.  My  conduct  in 
public  was  of  course  always  above  reproach.  It  was  a 
bitter  experience  to  have  the  public  streets  closed  to  me 
when  I had  been  entirely  inoffensive. 

The  following  are  extracts  from  letters  written  during 
this  period  to  a former  university  associate.  He  had 
always  been  my  favorite  of  all  the  students,  being  good- 
looking,  athletic,  and  of  particularly  noble  disposition. 
If  he  had  not  turned  the  cold  shoulder  on  my  amatory 
advances,  and  had  been  willing  to  be  mated  with  me  per- 
manently — as  I fondly  imagined  before  I started  on  my 
career  as  a fairie  — monandry  would  probably  have  sat- 
isfied me  for  life.  In  my  first  two  or  three  years  of 


208 


A Conductor’s  Sympathy. 


puberty,  monandry  had  occupied  my  thoughts  rather 
than  polyandry.  This  friend  has  continued  to  be  a con- 
fidant from  my  student  days  down  to  the  present  writing, 
when  I have  reached  my  middle  forties.  In  all  my  fairie 
life  of  twenty-five  years,  outside  of  several  physicians, 
from  whom  I sought  a cure,  and  my  favorite  pastor,  I 
have  confided  events  of  that  life  only  to  five  close  friends 
of  my  ordinary  life,  and  they  all  proved  helpful  and  com- 
passionate, and  continued  to  be  as  good  friends  as  ever. 

(1)  [Referring  to  only  my  second  evening  spent  with 
men  of  Ft.  Y.]  Next  they  led  me  to  a tree,  and  said 
they  were  going  to  get  a rope  and  hang  me.  [Teasing.] 
I thought  they  intended  great  violence,  and  to  save  my- 
self, while  still  held  by  them,  fell  to  the  ground,  feigning 
to  have  a fit.  This  ruse  frightened  them,  and  they  all 
ran  off,  fearing  they  had  seriously  injured  me  by  their 
rough  treatment.  I lay  in  the  woods  until  they  were 
out  of  hearing,  then  arose  and  walked  to  the  depot.  But 
it  was  dark  and  I lost  my  way,  and  arrived  at  the  wrong 
depot.  I had  my  return  ticket,  which  I had  kept  safe 
in  my  sock,  but  the  conductor  demanded  an  extra  nickel. 
I told  him  I had  no  money,  except  a dollar  sewed  in  my 
clothes.  This  I secured  and  paid  him.  I told  him  the 
soldiers  had  taken  all  of  my  money,  and  how  roughly  they 
had  handled  me,  of  course  confessing  myself  to  be  an 
invert.  It  was  surprising  to  hear  his  words  of  condolence, 
coming  as  they  did  from  an  uneducated  conductor,  the 
most  beautiful  words  of  sympathy  I ever  heard,  just  like 
the  words  of  the  Savior  to  the  woman  taken  in  adultery. 


Female  and  Infant  Impersonation  Natural.  209 

Among  other  things  he  said : “ If  only  every  one  lived 

as  harmless  a life  as  you,  this  world  would  be  all  right.” 

(2)  I sat  down  on  a stone  wall  near  the  reservation 
to  eat  my  lunch.  I was  both  sick  and  exhausted,  and 
wept  while  eating,  and  regretted  I had  come  when  I was 
feeling  ill.  But  I felt  that  I couldn’t  keep  away.  I 
longed  to  be  where  I am  regarded  as  a girl  and  a baby, 
and  where  I am  flirted  with  and  petted.  ...  I also 
mourned  my  fate,  reflecting  on  my  errand,  and  realizing 
that  I was  doing  what  would  ostracize  me  and  shock 
society  if  the}7  heard  of  it. 

(3)  I often  ask  myself:  When  will  it  all  end?  I an- 
swer: When  I am  thirty  years  old.  [I  was  then  twenty- 
eight.]  Then  I shall  be  no  longer  youthful,  and  only  a 
youthful  person  can  be  a professional  fairie.  A fairie 
over  thirty  is  unthinkable.  If  I still  have  strong  desire 
after  that  age,  I shall  have  to  seek  some  one  in  private 
[This  came  true]  instead  of  flaunting  myself  as  a fairie 
before  the  public  gaze.  For  a male  of  over  thirty  to  act 
the  woman  and  the  baby  before  a company  of  men  would 
be  unthinkable.  But  now,  at  my  present  age,  it  seems 
to  me  natural  and  not  unbecoming. 

(4)  I am  sometimes  conscience-stricken  over  my  ac- 
tions. When  I entered  college,  I intended  my  life  to  be 
one  of  self-denial,  and  I intended  in  every  act  to  live  over 
again  as  nearly  as  possible  the  life  of  Christ.  But  I am 
now  doing  almost  nothing  to  spread  the  kingdom  of  God 
in  the  hearts  of  men,  and  to  visit  and  cheer  and  relieve  the 
afflicted,  and  I am  indulging  in  so  much  animal  pleasure. 


210 


Events  of  1903. 


. . . Nevertheless,  though  I indulge  in  promiscuous  in- 
tercourse, I spend  no  more  moments  in  the  pleasui'es  of 
Aphrodite  than  the  majority  of  married  people,  and  I 
do  not  make  these  pleasures  the  chief  aim  of  life.  I 
spend  one  evening  a week  in  flirting  with  what  to  me  is  the 
opposite  sex,  intensely  masculine,  fierce,  cruel,  pugnacious 
young  men,  and  in  dalliance  with  them.  Two  hours  per 
week  spent  in  the  company  of  sweethearts,  and  all  the 
rest  of  my  time  spent  in  seclusion  from  them.  Am  I a 
libertine?  Am  I indulging  excessively  in  the  lower  pleas- 
ures of  life? 

******** 

I shall  now  describe  a chain  of  events  which  led  up 
to  my  complaining  in  person  to  the  colonel  commanding 
Ft.  X. 

Aug.  3,  1903 

Adored  dark-eyed  sergeant, 

Please  do  not  be  offended  because  I called  you  a bad 
sergeant  last  night.  You  were  a bad  sergeant  when  you 
gave  me  that  other  sergeant’s  name  as  yours,  and  so  made 
me  write  that  letter  to  him  full  of  hot  protestations  of 
love,  all  meant  for  you,  but  which  he  was  mad  to  receive. 
You  made  trouble  for  me  by  it,  and  the  other  sergeant 
threatened  to  slap  me  unless  I found  out  your  name  and 
told  him.  So  I have  told  him,  but  I made  him  promise 
not  to  hit  you,  only  give  you  a piece  of  his  mind.  . . . 
Two  months  ago  you  were  so  friendly  to  me  when  you 
were  on  guard,  and  I was  more  than  fascinated  with  you. 
The  last  ten  times  since  that  I have  been  near  the  fort, 
I have  gone  up  to  the  gate  to  see  if  you  were  on  guard. 


In  My  Thirtieth  Year. 


211 


Last  night  I found  you  there  for  the  first,  and  I was  so 
glad.  But  you  were  not  friendly,  as  you  were  the  first 
time  I saw  you,  so  now  I am  afraid  to  write  another  love- 
letter  to  you,  for  fear  you  will  be  mad.  . . . Why  did 
you  let  that  horrible  soldier  Murphy  hit  me  and  throw 
stones  at  me?  He  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  hit  a girl.  . . . 
After  I got  home,  I cried  my  eyes  out  because  I couldn’t 
come  in  and  talk  to  you  as  last  time,  and  because  you 
aimed  a gun  at  me.  . . . Do  please  speak  to  me  the  next 
time  we  meet,  because  I shall  be  too  much  afraid  to  speak 
to  you.  . . . 

I am,  adored  sergeant, 

Your  slave  forever, 

Jennie  June 

About  two  weeks  later  I find  the  same  sergeant  on 
guard.  Having  no  fear  because  of  his  previous  familiar- 
ity, I beg  to  be  allowed  to  spend  an  hour  on  the  porch  of 
the  guard-house,  as  he  had  once  permitted.  But  as  soon 
as  I arrived  there,  he  declares  he  gave  me  permission 
simply  that  he  might  put  me  under  arrest.  I beg  for 
mercy : “ Do  please  let  the  baby  go  home,  and  don’t  ar- 

rest her ! ” 

“ Hand  out  a ten  dollar  bill  and  you  can  go  home.  I 
won’t  have  you  writing  such  letters  to  me  as  you  did. 
Just  for  one  sentence  you  wrote  to  Sergeant  Y you  could 
be  imprisoned : ‘ I am  a woman  entombed  in  the  body 

of  a man.’  How  can  you  write  such  things?” 

“ You  cannot  complain  of  the  letters  I write  to  you 
when  you  have  used  to  me  the  indecent  language  you  have. 


212 


Psychical  Infantilism. 


I won’t  pay  you  anything.  You  have  used  language  to 
me  ten  times  as  bad  as  I have  ever  used  to  you.” 

He  gradually  lowers  his  demand  to  two  dollars,  but  I 
did  not  have  the  amount  with  me.  He  orders  me  to  lay 
on  the  table  all  the  money  I have,  and  it  is  pocketed  by 
one  of  the  soldiers  standing  by. 

After  some  time,  I felt  reassured,  and  began  to  act 
the  part  of  a baby,  hoping  to  put  them  in  a good  humor 
so  they  would  allow  me  to  depart  unharmed.  Like  a 
four-year  old,  I beg  and  pout  to  enlist  so  I “ can  give  the 
soldiers  their  bread  and  make  their  beds.”  I pout  “ to 
be  let  in  to  see  the  sleeping  beauties,”  meaning  the  sol- 
diers who  were  in  bed  in  the  guard-house.  I complain  of 
being  sleepy,  and  sob  to  be  given  a bed  in  the  room  with 
the  sleeping  guard.  Artillerymen  are  repeatedly  passing, 
some  of  whom  tease  me  rather  roughly,  pulling  my  hair, 
etc.  I supplicated:  “Do  please  let  me  go  home  and 
don’t  hurt  me.  I am  half  an  invalid  and  can’t  stand 
much.” 

“You’ll  be  a whole  invalid  before  you  get  out  of  here 
tonight.” 

“ Really  I am  a semi-invalid.  I look  well,  but  eunuchs 
always  look  fat  and  well,  even  when  they  are  sick.” 

After  I had  been  detained  about  an  hour,  the  soldier 
“ Murphy  ” happens  to  pass,  one  of  the  most  burly  and 
roughest  in  the  post.  He  tries  several  times  to  see  if  he 
can  lift  me  off  my  feet  by  my  hair,  and  though  I adore 
him,  I call  out  just  for  effect:  “ You  horrible  soldier!” 
He  took  me  seriously.  I suddenly  felt  myself  being  car- 
ried rapidly  somewhere.  He  bore  me  to  the  gate  of  the 


Interview  with  Colonel. 


213 


reservation,  and  pitched  me  out  on  the  road.  Then  he 
kicked  me  along  for  a few  feet,  crying  out  for  me  to  get 
along  home,  while  I was  screaming  in  fright. 

About  two  weeks  later,  as  I was  passing  the  guard- 
house, I was  placed  under  arrest  by  another  sergeant-of- 
the-guard,  and  conducted  before  the  officer-of-the-day. 
This  was  the  only  time  that  I was  genuinely  placed  under 
arrest  on  a military  reservation.  The  sergeant  informed 
the  officer  that  I was  a fairie  and  that  I hung  around  the 
reservation  and  the  guard-house.  The  officer  asked  me 
why  I frequented  the  reservation,  and  I replied : “ Be- 

cause I like  the  soldiers,  because  I like  to  have  them  for 
my  friends.”  After  an  investigation  lasting  several  min- 
utes, when  he  found  out  that  I had  really  been  guilty  of 
nothing  improper,  the  officer  ordered  the  sergeant  to  let 
me  go,  and  in  a very  mild  and  gentlemanly  way  suggested, 
rather  than  forbade,  that  in  the  future  I do  not  frequent 
the  reservation.  He  received  me  indeed  in  a wonderfully 
kind  manner,  for  which  I shall  be  eternally  grateful  to 
him.  Knowing  that  I was  in  hostile  hands,  I appealed 
to  the  officer  to  order  the  sergeant  that  no  harm  should 
be  done  me  on  the  reservation. 

But  the  sergeant  — one  of  the  few  soldiers  who  de- 
tested me  — was  chagrined  that  the  officer  had  upset  his 
plan  of  having  me  locked  up.  After  the  officer  had  re- 
tired, the  sergeant  therefore  started  kicking  me,  and  as 
I ran  past  the  guardhouse,  three  of  the  guard,  influenced 
by  the  example  of  their  sergeant,  knocked  me  down  three 
times.  I immediately  complained  to  the  colonel.  He 
also  received  me  most  kindly,  notwithstanding  that  I ex- 


214* 


Sadism. 


plained  at  the  outset  that  I was  an  invert,  and  he  re- 
primanded the  sergeant. 

A week  later  I happened  to  meet  “ Murphy  ” on  a much 
frequented  sti’eet.  On  my  refusal  to  accompany  him  to 
a low  bar-room,  he  dragged  me  there  in  spite  of  contin- 
uous protest  and  struggling.  Half  a dozen  civilians 
watched  the  struggle  but  did  not  interfere.  Inside  were 
several  soldiers  and  civilians,  some  partially  intoxicated 
and  wrangling,  and  two  filles  de  joie.  Before  the  eyes 
of  all,  my  captor  immediately  rifled  my  pockets,  while  ex- 
claiming: “I  am  going  to  marry  you!  I am  going  to 
marry  you ! As  soon  as  I get  a good  drunk  on,  I am 
yours ! ” We  were  together  an  hour  in  the  bar-room. 
Soldiers  come  and  go,  some  of  them  flirting  with  me  vigor- 
ously before  the  eyes  of  all.  The  next  day  I wrote  my 
captor : 

O you  adored  giant  artilleryman,  Ever  since  the  first 
time  you  hit  me  and  drove  me  out  of  the  gate,  how  I have 
adored  you ! But  ever  since  you  carried  me  out  in  your 
arms,  I have  been  wild  for  you,  as  I have  never  been  over 
any  other  fellow.  You  have  abused  me  more  than  any 
other  soldier,  but,  my  cruel  master,  I adore  you  the  most 
of  any  fellow  in  the  world.  Of  all  the  men  in  the  world, 
I would  pick  you  out  to  be  my  husband  and  master. 
You,  fierce  artilleryman,  are  my  ideal  of  manly  beauty 
and  charm.  You  are  the  ideal  I have  been  looking  for  all 
my  life.  O how  I worship  you ! I pass  by  the  fellows 
who  have  always  been  kind  to  me,  and  seek  for  my  husband 
that  one  who  has  been  the  most  cruel.  O won’t  you  take 
me  to  be  your  wife?  Last  night  you  promised  to  marry 


A Company  Marshalled  Before  Me.  215 

me  before  I ever  spoke  about  marrying  you.  Won’t  you 
keep  your  promise?  . . . You  are  the  roughest,  fiercest, 
most  daring,  most  cruel  fellow  I ever  met.  That  is  why 
I love  you  so.  You  are  the  greatest  fighter  and  slugger 
I ever  met.  That  is  why  I am  pining  to  become  your 
slave.  . . . 

******** 

After  my  arrest,  I did  not  dare  go  on  the  Ft.  X reser- 
vation for  several  months.  On  one  of  my  first  subsequent 
visits  — in  daylight  — I encountered  the  officer  who  had 
mildly  prohibited  the  reservation  to  me.  As  soon  as  he 
spied  me,  he  walked  rapidly  in  the  opposite  direction  as  if 
fearing  I would  speak. 

In  the  following  year,  I was  assaulted  on  the  street 
by  three  privates  because  I refused  to  take  a walk  with 
them  off  into  the  woods,  since  one  of  them  had  formerly 
rifled  my  pockets.  I complained  by  letter  to  their  cap- 
tain, and  he  immediately  invited  me  to  call.  But  evi- 
dently he  afterward  spoke  of  the  matter  to  other  officers, 
and  learned  my  character,  for  he  withdrew  his  invitation 
in  less  than  twenty-four  hours.  Nevertheless  I called. 
I thought  it  advisable  to  state  in  advance  something  about 
the  peculiar  life  I led,  having  no  fear  of  arrest  because  I 
never  voluntarily  rendered  myself  liable.  He  frankly  con- 
fessed that  he  could  not  courtmartial  my  assailants  be- 
cause I was  an  invert,  but  courteously  ordered  all  his 
command  to  appear  before  me  for  identification  since  I 
was  resolved  to  try  prosecution  in  a police  court  just  to 
see  whether  an  invert  of  unexceptionable  conduct  on  the 
public  street,  assaulted  by  ruffians  without  any  reason, 


216  1905  — Farewell  to  Men  of  Forts  X and  Y. 

would  be  there  accorded  the  rights  of  all  other  citizens. 

On  leaving  the  reservation  — much  to  my  surprise  — 
a 3roung  woman  accosted  me  and  pleaded  for  my  assail- 
ants, one  of  whom  was  a brother,  while  she  was  the  wife 
of  a non-commissioned  officer.  She  stated  that  my  as- 
sailants solemnly  promised  never  again  to  molest  me,  and 
entreated  me  not  to  have  them  arrested. 

Through  no  resolve  of  my  own,  the  early  spring  of 
1905  saw  the  end  of  my  association  with  men  of  Ft.  X. 
For  several  months  they  were  in  Maryland,  taking  part 
in  the  army  manoeuvres.  On  their  return  I did  not  renew 
my  visits  because  of  taking  up  my  residence  in  a distant 
city. 

It  was  with  great  pain  that  I paid  my  farewell  visit 
to  Ft.  Y.  About  a dozen  soldiers  happened  to  be  leaving 
on  the  same  train,  and  asked  me  to  join  them.  When 
they  alighted,  I waved  from  the  car  window,  and  they 
gave  in  unison  and  loudly  “ Three  cheers  for  Jennie 
June  ” as  the  train  moved  away.  Not  one,  however,  knew 
that  I was  never  to  visit  them  again,  as  it  was  not  wise 
for  me  to  make  known  that  I was  leaving  New  York 
permanently. 

At  its  very  zenith  — when  I held  the  coveted  position 
of  pet  of  two  forts,  as  I was  in  large  measure  — my  open 
career  as  a fairie  now  came  to  an  end.  After  I had  re- 
moved permanently  to  a distant  city,  how  I missed  the 
kind  greetings  which  came  from  nearly  every  soldier  whom 
I ran  across  on  or  near  the  two  reservations,  and  how  I 
pined  for  them ! I loved  them  primarily  with  a Christian, 
non-sensual,  wifely  love.  With  my  whole  soul  I desired 


Fairie  Songs. 


217 


to  serve  them  through  life  as  their  slave,  but  my  being 
at  the  very  end  of  my  physical  endurance  and  an  unusual 
economic  opportunity  in  a distant  city  induced  me  to  say 
goodby  forever.  Farewell,  a long  farewell,  to  my  many 
soul-mates  of  both  forts  ! 

My  songs,  in  a treble  voice,  contributed  much  to  my 
popularity.  The  soldiers  were  much  diverted,  eagerly 
grasped  up  the  hectograph  editions,  and  treasured  and 
sang  them.  They  likewise  preserved  love-letters  I had 
written  them,  and  stated  their  purpose  to  exhibit  both 
songs  and  letters  to  their  friends  at  home  when  their  en- 
listments expired.  The  songs  formed  a large  element  in 
my  fairie  career,  as  well  as  describe  some  of  my  adven- 
tures. Humans,  when  in  love,  are  inspired  to  poetize. 
Some  of  my  own  outpourings  follow.  The  dedications 
are  retained  as  in  the  original  hectograph  editions. 


218 


A Corporal,  a Private,  and  Me. 
(Air  original.) 

Dedicated  to  Corporal  Frank  B. 


As  I was  walking  on  the  beach, 

A corporal  did  me  see ; 

He  said  right  off,  “ Dear  Baby  June, 
Will  you  my  wifie  be?” 

I fainted  quite, 

From  joy,  not  fright, 

And  in  his  arms  did  fall ; 

I nestled  there, 

So  free  from  care, 

And  called  to  him,  “ My  all ! ” 

As  we  did  talk  on  the  sandy  walk, 

A private  came  stalking  by; 

He  said  right  off,  “ There’s  Baby  June, 
The  girl  for  whom  I’d  die ! ” 

To  see  him  by, 

I had  to  cry, 

I was  so  happy  then; 

Head  on  his  blouse, 

I breathed  my  vows 
To  both  artillerymen. 

I took  their  brawny  hands  in  mine, 

Then  kissed  till  they  were  sore ; 

I slapped  and  slapped  each  soldier  brave, 
These  mighty  men  of  war ; 

For  their  love  taps, 

And  playful  slaps, 

I also  entered  plea : — 

Sweet  words  they  breathed, 

While  me  they  wreathed, 

Down  by  the  murmuring  sea. 


Baby  Crying  for  Her  Brave. 


219 


(Air:  “Hello  Central”) 

Dedicated  to  Sergeant  Frank  B.,  handsome,  strong, 
and  noble ; a brave,  brave  gunner ; the  most  popular  man 
in  his  company ; the  favorite  of  his  captain ; first  in  foot- 
ball ; first  in  baseball ; and  first  in  the  heart  of  Jennie  June. 


Baby  is  so  sad  and  lonely, 

Pining  for  her  soldier  brave; 
Night  and  day,  awake  or  sleeping, 
Crieth  for  him,  e’en  doth  rave: 

0 to  rest  upon  his  bosom, 

In  his  blouse  her  face  to  hide ! 

O to  feel  his  strong  arms  round  her! 
Why  this  bliss  denied? 


Refrain : 

Baby’s  dying,  naught  can  save  her, 
Pining  for  her  brave; 

Naught  can  save  but  his  caresses, 
For  which  she  doth  rave: 

0 come  quick,  dear  soldier  hero, 
Clasp  her  to  thy  breast ; 

For  she’s  surely  pining,  dying, 

In  thine  arms  to  rest. 


Were  she  able,  surely  would  she 
Hasten  quick  to  reach  thy  side ; 
To  thee  knit,  cemented,  mortised, 
Would  she  e’er  henceforth  abide: 
Clinging,  O so  fast  and  closely, 
Would  she  lose  herself  in  thee; 

No  more  two,  but  ever,  always, 

With  thee  ONE  to  be. 


220 


My  Fierce  Murphy .* 


(Air:  “My  Bonnie  Lies  Over  The  Ocean.”) 

The  night  I first  met  my  fierce  Murphy, 

He  punched  me  and  kicked  me  and  stoned; 

He  sent  me  away  all  in  tatters, 

I screamed  and  I wept  and  I moaned. 

But  I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

I loved  him  more  than  I can  tell,  can  tell! 

I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

I loved  him  more  than  I can  tell! 

He  was  the  next  time  even  fiercer, 

He  snatched  me  up,  threw  me  outside; 

But  while  I was  held  in  his  clutches, 

My  face  in  his  blouse  I did  hide. 

I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

That  moment  I was  in  his  arms,  strong  arms! 

I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

That  moment  I was  in  his  arms ! 

The  third  time  he  said  he’d  me  marry, 

This  wonderful,  wonderful  brave! 

I then  was  so  robbed  of  my  reason, 

I nothing  did  but  for  him  rave. 

I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

I nothing  did  but  for  him  rave  — yes,  rave! 

I loved  him,  I loved  him, 

I nothing  did  but  for  him  rave! 

I’m  dying,  I’m  dying,  I’m  dying, 

For  love  of  this  wonderful  brave; 

I’m  dying,  I’m  dying,  I’m  dying  — 

Will  he  not  show  mercy  and  save? 

Dying  — dying  — 

I see  yawn  for  me  the  dark  grave,  dread  grave! 

Dying  — dying  — 

Will  he  not  show  mercy  and  save? 

* A substitute  is  here  used  for  the  real  name  of  the  soldier. 


Wild  Arthur  McCann  * 


221 


(Air : “ Sweet  Rosy  O’Grady  ”) 

0 down  at  Blanco  fort,  that  overlooks  the  deep  blue 
sea, 

I found  a big  ferocious  brave  on  guard  the  other 
day ; 

His  name  is  Art  McCann,  and  O,  I don’t  mind  telling 
thee, 

That  he’s  the  wildest  fiercest  Art  — that’s  ever  come 
my  way. 

Refrain : 

Wild  Arthur  McCann  — 

He’s  stolen  my  heart ! 

0 what  a fierce  man 

Is  this  big  strong  Art! 

1 say  he  looks  fierce  — 

Fierce,  fierce  is  his  face ; 

I love  wild  Arthur  McCann  — 

In  my  heart  he  holds  the  first  place. 

He’s  not  afraid  of  anything,  a man  more  than  the  rest ; 

A man  that  is  a man,  enlists,  and  fights,  yea  valiantly ; 

A man  in  blue ! — Red  color  too  is  seen  upon  his  breast ! 

The  strong,  the  mighty  brave,  who  fights ! — who  is  all 
boy,  all  he. 

Wild,  wild,  wild,  wild ! — I could  him  kiss  forever  and  a 
day ; 

Strong,  strong,  strong,  strong!  — I do  adore  prostrate 
upon  the  ground; 

Brave,  brave,  brave,  brave ! — I will  him  praise  and  every 
homage  pay ; 

Fierce,  fierce,  fierce,  fierce ! — I would  it  tell  — in  all 
the  world  around. 

* The  soldier  gave  me  this  name,  later  found  to  be  fictitious. 

“ Blanco  ” is  here  inserted  in  place  of  the  real  name  of  the  fort. 


222 


The  Night  on  the  Hillside. 
(Air : “ Old  Oaken  Bucket.”) 


Dedicated  to  J.  F.  M. 

How  dear  to  my  heart  is  the  night  on  that  hillside, 
Wnere  we,  my  dear  warrior,  did  first  our  love  show; 
When  I on  your  breast  did  contentedly  nestle, 

While  we  as  two  lovers  did  whisper  so  low : 

How  charming  you  looked  in  your  blue  and  brass  but- 
tons, 

Your  belt  and  your  military  cap  and  your  part; 
Bewitching  you  were  as  you  put  your  arms  round  me, 
And  called  me  your  wife  and  your  baby  sweetheart. 

Refrain : 

Your  baby  girl  pines  for  you,  sighs  for  you,  cries  for 
you, 

Moans,  shrieks,  and  dies  for  you,  soldier  in  blue. 

I’ll  always  remember  that  night  on  the  hillside, 

E’en  if,  my  dear  warrior,  we  ne’er  meet  again ; 

E’en  though  I have  many  brave  beautiful  sweethearts, 
You  never,  ah  never,  shall  drop  from  my  ken: 

I’ll  think  of  you  darling  — yes  pray  for  you  ever, 

As  long  as  I live  on  God’s  beautiful  earth ; 

God  gave  you  to  me  as  a husband  so  tender, 

You’re  mine  now  forever,  so  much  to  me  worth! 


A Man  that  is  a Man. 


223 


(Air:  “The  Last  Hose  of  Summer.”) 
Dedicated  to  “ Curly.” 


’Tis  a soldier  I’m  praising, 
So  big  and  so  strong; 
The  most  manly,  yet  ten- 
der, 

That  e’er  I did  song: 

Oh  people,  you  know  not 
The  gem  that  he  is ! 

How  can  I sing  to  you 
What  virtues  are  his ! 

To  fight  for  his  country, 
He  shoulders  a gun ; 

He  fears  not  the  bullets, 
Their  whistle’s  but  fun : 
Though  others  might 
waver 

In  battle’s  uproar, 

My  boy  shows  the  hero, 

A born  man  of  war. 

He’s  the  pride  of  his  coun- 
try, 

A most  mighty  brave ; 
We  have  fear  of  no  nation, 
We  trust  him  to  save: 
With  fear  he  and  his  fel- 
lows 

The  nations  inspire; 

For  they  shine  out  as  war- 
riors 

Of  might  and  of  fire. 

Though  a man  of  such 
power. 


He  uses  it  alone 
In  causes  that  are  right- 
eous, 

And  ne’er  in  his  own : 
He  can  spare  and  can  pun- 
ish — 

A man  of  such  might ! — 
But  is  kind-hearted  and 
gentle, 

Acts  ever  aright. 

He’s  so  kind  to  the  out- 
cast, 

To  me  whom  all  curse; 
A big  heart,  sympathetic. 

That  never  thinks  worse 
Than  to  speak  kindly  words 
out 

To  whome’er  he  meets, 
And  assist  any  sufferer. 

As  he  stalks  through  the 
streets. 

And  he  takes  with  the  maid- 
ens? 

They  fall  at  his  feet ; 
They  just  worship  his 
manhood, 

As  master  him  greet: 

O yes  he  is  all  glorious, 

In  girls’  eyes  all  fair; 
His  own  baby  girl  boasteth 

His  charms,  yes,  for 
e’er ! 


224 


The  Aughty-Aughth  for  Mine* 
(Air:  “Wearing  of  the  Green.”) 


Oh  here’s  to  the  aughty-aughth  company,  the  finest  to 
my  mind, 

The  bravest  boy's  in  blue  and  red  that  I did  ever  find ; 

Of  all  the  sweethearts  I have  met,  they  are  of  all  most 
kind, 

In  every  glory  you  can  name,  they  have  the  rest  out- 
shined. 

Refrain: 

They’re  the  finest  warriors  in  the  land,  in  all  the  world 
most  fine ; 

The  aughty-aughth  for  my  sweetheart,  the  aughty- 
aughth  for  mine. 

They  are  a model  band  of  men,  the  only  such  to  find, 

Beyond  belief  fraternal  love  rules  every  heart  and 
mind ; 

They  live  as  brothers  in  the  fort,  no  brawl,  or  words 
malign, 

So  brave,  polite,  magnanimous,  surprisingly  benign. 

Oh  noble  hearts,  oh  manly  souls,  oh  men  who  were  born 
for  war, 

Who’re  ready  at  your  country’s  call  to  shed  your  blood 
and  gore ; 

Who’re  ready  to  protect  the  weak,  and  to  relieve  the  op- 
pressed, 

All  that’s  feminine  would  worship  you,  fall  in  your 
arms  to  rest. 

******** 

* The  expression  “ aughty-aughth  ” is  here  used  in  order  to  spare 

the  company  notoriety. 


Adventures  with  Men  of  Ft.  Z.  225 

When  the  five  companies  of  Ft.  X went  south,  the 
“ aughty-aughth  ” of  Ft.  Z acted  as  guard  of  Ft.  X. 
On  the  evening  of  May  3d  I scraped  acquaintance.  Com- 
ing upon  a group,  I talked  and  acted  more  and  more  like 
a coquette,  greatly  to  their  amusement.  I finally  started 
singing  my  songs,  which  caused  soldiers  to  gather  from 
every  direction,  as  we  were  on  the  reservation.  Never 
before  had  I received  a warmer  reception,  and  I imme- 
diately wrote  “ The  Aughty-Aughth  for  Mine.”  Con- 
trary to  my  custom,  I was  attracted  from  the  city  twice 
a week. 

On  my  sixth  visit,  there  came,  suddenly  and  unex- 
pectedly, a change  in  their  attitude.  It  came  about 
through  a soldier’s  going  over  to  New  York  to  play  the 
spy.  It  was  the  first  time  in  my  six  years  of  frequenting 
the  forts.  He  secured  a hold  on  me  through  the  address 
which  I used  in  corresponding  with  soldiers.  I had  re- 
vealed my  true  name  and  residence  to  none  of  them. 
Hitherto  they  had  believed  I was  a nobody,  but  now  dis- 
covered that  I occupied  a fairly  high  social  status.  This 
changed  everything.  The  thirst  for  money  supplanted 
the  desire  for  a good  time  with  me.  Many  now  felt  that 
they  had  a grievance  because  I being  well  off'  — as  they 
thought  — made  them  only  small  presents.  They  now 
began  to  demand  that  I deliver  comparatively  large  sums, 
and  inflicted  suffering  when  I did  not.  1 gladly  gave 
them  all  I could  — about  one-quarter  of  my  income. 

After  several  moderate  beatings  on  the  military  reser- 
vation because  I did  not  hand  over  the  exorbitant 
amounts  demanded,  I decided  not  to  enter  it  again  while 
this  company  was  in  charge.  They  had  never  dared  as- 


226 


Events  of  1905. 


sault  me  off  the  reservation,  fearing  arrest  by  the  police. 
On  June  3d  I was  inveigled  on  in  order  to  be  brutally 
assaulted.  The  next  day  I complained  in  writing  to  the 
lieutenant  commanding  the  company.  He  wrote  asking 
me  to  call.  He  immediately  laid  before  me  several  love 
letters  and  songs,  of  the  kind  known  to  my  reader,  and 
inquired  if  I was  their  author.  On  my  confession,  he 
refused  to  hear  a word  about  the  assault,  and  sternly 
warned  me  never  to  come  on  the  reservation  again.  He 
then  ordered  my  chief  assailant  to  march  me  off  ignomini- 
ously,  as  if  I had  been  under  arrest. 

Several  days  later  I spent  the  evening  at  a resort  fre- 
quented by  soldiers.  Many  flirted  with  me,  but  though 
repeatedly  asked  to  take  a walk,  I was  afraid  to  trust 
myself  with  any  after  the  serious  assault.  About  10 
p.  M.,  I encountered  Sergeant  J.,  who  had  always  been  ex- 
ceedingly kind  and  twice  had  let  me  pass  the  evening 
flirting  with  the  soldiers  awaiting  duty  in  the  guard- 
house. I therefore  entertained  not  the  least  suspicion 
of  treachery  and  accepted  his  invitation  for  a walk.  His 
conduct  was  of  an  inflammatory  character,  and  I fol- 
lowed him  over  a fence  into  a field,  which  happened  to 
belong  to  the  federal  government,  but  at  the  time  I gave 
this  fact  no  thought.  The  police  and  the  courts  had  no 
jurisdiction  there.  He  immediately  said:  “Do  you 
know  you  are  on  the  military  reservation?  What  did 
the  commandant  tell  you  would  happen  if  you  came  on  it 
again?  . . . Sergeant  W.  told  me  that  you  told  the  com- 
mandant in  his  presence  that  I was  the  best  friend  you 
had  in  the  post.  I am  now  going  to  show  you  different.” 


At  Age  of  Thirty-One. 


227 


[I  had  simply  referred  to  him  as  “ a certain  sergeant  ” 
who  had  given  me  the  freedom  of  the  guard-house.] 

Corporal  F.,  a regular  Samson,  had  been  following  at 
a distance.  Sergeant  J.  was  just  about  to  be  appointed 
quarter-master  sergeant  of  Ft.  Z.  Not  wishing  any 
charges  to  imperil  his  promotion,  he  had  asked  his  friend 
F.  to  inflict  the  punishment,  as  the  latter’s  enlistment 
would  expire  in  three  weeks.  But  the  latter  had  his  own 
grievance  also.  Two  weeks  before  he  and  two  other  sol- 
diers had  been  torturing  me  because  I had  not  brought 
them  the  sums  of  money  demanded.  In  order  to  deliberate 
without  my  hearing  them  as  to  the  next  step  to  take  in 
persecuting  me,  they  had  ordered  me  to  run  200  feet  to 
a sharp  corner  in  the  path  and  back  again.  But  I ran  a 
dozen  feet  around  the  corner  and  threw  myself  in  the  tall 
grass.  A stone  wall  too  high  to  climb  prevented  my 
getting  more  than  three  feet  from  the  path.  Because  the 
path  was  so  hedged  in,  they  knew  that  I could  not  escape 
them,  and  besides  we  were  on  the  reservation  and  a sentry 
was  permanently  stationed  500  feet  around  the  comer 
who  would  surely  halt  a fugitive.  The  three  immediately 
sprinted  past.  In  the  pitch  darkness  and  with  eyes  fixed 
on  a point  200  feet  ahead  where  I ought  to  be,  they 
failed  to  spy  me  at  their  very  feet.  I immediately  arose 
and  sprinted  in  the  opposite  direction.  In  less  than  a 
minute  I ran  into  a sentry,  but  he  happened  to  be  a friend 
and  helped  me  to  escape. 

On  this  subsequent  evening  when  I was  with  Sergeant 
J.,  Corporal  F.  had  his  first  opportunity  to  avenge  my 
escape.  I saw  the  Samson  draw  back  his  fist  and  cov- 


228 


I Am  Half -Murdered. 


ered  my  face  with  my  hands.  But  they  compelled  me 
to  drop  them,  and  I received  in  the  left  eye  a terrific 
blow.  Five  followed  on  the  mouth,  nose,  and  left  eye. 
The  right  eye  seemingly  was  purposely  spared  so  that  I 
could  see  to  get  away.  Then  my  pockets  were  rifled.  I 
happened  to  raise  a hand  to  the  left  eye  and  felt  just 
below  where  the  eye  ought  to  be  a circular  protuberance 
about  the  size  of  the  eyeball.  In  my  dazed  condition  I 
entreated:  “Please,  please,  let  this  be  enough!  Don’t 
you  see  you  have  already  knocked  one  of  my  eyes  out  of 
its  socket?  ” 

They  now  commanded  me  to  turn  my  back,  apparently 
being  convinced  my  face  could  stand  no  more  sledge-ham- 
mer blows  without  a murder  resulting.  The  corporal 
landed  several  on  the  skull,  and  being  evidently  a con- 
genital criminal,  would  have  probably  kept  on  until  I 
was  dead.  The  sergeant  ordered  him  to  desist,  but  he 
would  not.  The  sergeant  now  had  to  throw  himself  on 
the  corporal  and  hold  him  from  me,  while  he  directed  me 
to  hurry  off  the  reservation.* 

Reaching  a street,  I appealed  to  some  civilians,  who 
assisted  me  to  a hospital.  For  a half  hour  my  face  bled 
profusely  and  my  clothing  became  soaked  with  blood. 
For  weeks  afterward  blood  exuded  from  the  nose.  My 
face  was  all  discolored  and  swollen  beyond  recognition. 
As  already  stated,  a former  physician,  whom  I had  met 
intimately  several  score  of  times,  happened  to  be  a visit- 
ing physician  at  this  hospital,  and  was  one  of  those  who 
attended  me  as  I lay  in  bed.  But  my  extreme  disfigure- 

* Some  years  ago  the  newspapers  told  of  the  killing  of  an  an- 
drogyne in  Boston  by  soldier  associates. 


1 Am  Courtmartialled. 


229 


ment  prevented  recognition,  much  to  my  satisfaction, 
since  I had  never  had  occasion  to  disclose  my  inversion. 

For  a month,  until  my  face  became  presentable,  I had 
to  remain  away  from  my  ordinary  circle.  A full  descrip- 
tion of  my  injuries  was  written  out  by  my  regular  physi- 
cian to  accompany  the  charges  presented  several  days 
after  the  assault  to  the  general  commanding  the  military 
Department  of  the  East,  Governor’s  Island,  New  York 
Harbor.  I had  to  go  so  high  because  the  temporary 
commandant  at  Ft.  X wTas  among  those  accused,  that 
is,  for  not  giving  me  a hearing  when  I sought  to  bring 
charges  against  earlier  assailants. 

I immediately  visited  the  United  States  district  at- 
torney also,  thinking  my  case  lay  in  his  province.  But 
he  dismissed  me  after  merely  remarking  that  according 
to  law,  he  could  only  be  on  the  side  of  the  soldiers  and 
against  me.  I next  went  to  the  police  station  in  whose 
precinct  the  fort  was  situated.  I was  here  received  with 
warm  sympathy,  notwithstanding  that  at  the  outset  I 
declared  myself  an  invert.  But  I was  informed  that 
since  all  the  offences  had  been  committed  on  the  military 
reservation,  the  police  and  civil  courts  had  no  jurisdic- 
tion. News  of  the  assault  had  got  into  the  papers,  and 
a police  detective  had  made  an  investigation.  Both  the 
detective  and  the  police  sergeant  told  me  that  the  com- 
mandant of  the  fort  had  informed  them  that  I had  been 
assaulted  because  I had  indecently  accosted  my  assailants. 

The  military  secretary  at  Governor’s  Island  appointed 
Col.  G.  to  investigate  my  charges.  In  the  course  of  the 
hearing,  which  lasted  about  three  hours,  I appeared  to 
be  the  one  under  charges,  and  was  repeatedly  insulted 
by  the  captain  adjutant  and  the  temporary  commandant. 


230 


Fellatio  Obsession  Declines. 


At  its  close  the  latter  cried  out : “ The  police  are  waiting 

to  arrest  you  as  soon  as  you  step  off  the  reservation!” 
This  statement  proved  to  be  false.  But  they  succeeded 
in  literally  frightening  me  out  of  my  wits.  For  the  fol- 
lowing 24  hours,  I had  repeated  attacks  of  hysteria,  and 
was  actually  insane  from  grief.  My  mourning  lasted 
for  months,  because  notwithstanding  my  repeated  im- 
portuning in  person  and  by  letter,  they  refused  to  court- 
martial  or  punish  those  who  had  half-murdered  me.  The 
reason  was  that  I had  the  reputation  of  being  addicted 
to  fellatio.  v 

******** 

Approximately  two  years  after  castration  and  one 
year  previous  to  the  close  of  my  open  career  as  a fairie 
— at  which  latter  date  this  autobiography  has  now  ar- 
rived — I found  that  my  desire  for  fellatio  had  perceptibly 
decreased.  In  all  probability,  it  was  due  to  that  opera- 
tion, but  possibly  to  satiety  or  to  advancing  age,  then 
thirty.  Up  to  about  two  years  after  castration  I did  not 
pass  by  a single  opportunity  except  when  exhausted.  But 
now  I began  to  reject  a large  proportion  of  the  oppor- 
tunities, although  I had  as  strong  a craze  as  ever  for 
association  with  ultra-virile  adolescents  who  treated  me  as 
a member  of  the  gentle  sex.  I seemed  now  to  be  satisfied 
with  simply  reclining  in  their  arms,  etc.  Sometimes  dur- 
ing fellatio,  I would  feel  no  satisfaction  and  ask  myself 
why  I should  stoop  to  it.  If  at  the  beginning  of  my  career 
as  a fairie,  my  desire  had  been  only  of  the  present  strength, 
I would  probably  have  lived  a life  of  chastity  and  carried 
out  my  plan  to  be  a preacher  of  the  Gospel.  The  strength 
of  desire  was  now  about  that  of  the  average  male  of 


Year  1905  — Open  Career  Ends.  231 

thirty  — strong,  but  controllable.  For  about  a year, 
however,  I did  not  relinquish  the  open  career  of  a fairie 
because  circumstances  had  placed  me  in  a remarkably  se- 
ductive environment.  I was  also  influenced  by  the  desire 
to  make  the  most  of  my  youth  — for  at  thirty-one  I was 
told  that  I looked  to  be  twenty-one.  A quasi-public  fairie 
career  must  end  before  youthfulness  passes.  I had  in  ad- 
vance reconciled  myself  to  semi-chastity,  as  monandry, 
after  I should  pass  the  age  of  thirty.  As  already  stated, 
the  saving  of  my  physical  and  mental  vigor  was  a power- 
ful motive  in  my  weaning.  Most  of  all,  my  being  nearly 
murdered  by  soldiers  contributed  to  enabling  me  to  break 
away  from  my  intimate  association  with  them  at  the  forts. 
In  previous  years  I had  rejected  excellent  positions  be- 
cause they  would  take  me  out  of  New  York  and  thus  put 
a stop  to  my  visits  to  the  forts.  Now  in  1905,  a few 
weeks  after  my  disaster  at  the  hands  of  men  of  Ft.  Z,  I 
was  for  the  first  time  able  to  leave  New  York  permanently. 

One  morning  at  the  close  of  my  association  with  the 
men  of  Ft.  Z,  I discovered  a chancre  on  the  under  surface 
of  m37  tongue.  “ At  last  a chancre ! ” I exclaimed  with 
a slight  laugh.  It  lasted  six  weeks.  Simultaneously  at 
two  points  the  gum  of  the  upper  jaw  became  as  hard  as 
bone.  Beginning  two  months  later,  I would  every  few 
minutes  during  the  day  for  about  a month  feel  a pleasur- 
able thrill  in  different  parts  of  the  body,  now  in  the  arm, 
now  in  the  leg,  etc.  Four  months  after  the  appearance 
of  the  primary  sore,  a second  chancre  appeared  on  the 
under  surface  of  the  tongue,  only  slightly  painful,  and 
lasting  three  weeks.  During  this  time  I felt  rather  ill. 


232 


How  Syphilis  Affected  Me. 


It  left  a small  furrow  in  the  tongue,  which  did  not  dis- 
appear for  three  years.  Simultaneously  with  the  appear- 
ance of  this  second  chancre,  the  skin  in  the  right  and  left 
groin,  alternately,  became  very  tender,  so  that  in  walking 


the  two  abutting  surfaces  would  wear  each  other  away. 


Walking  became  painful.  A disgusting  odor  was  emitted, 
but  daily  bathing  enabled  me  to  continue  my  vocation 
uninterruptedly.  Matter  exuded  from  the  under  surface 
of  the  eyelids.  I was  unable  to  focus  my  eyes  properly, 
and  sometimes  saw  double.  I suffered  from  general  debil- 


ity. 


I was  in  despair,  regarding  myself  as  at  last  rotting 
away  with  syphilis  and  perhaps  destined  to  spend  decades 
in  a cell  in  some  insane  asylum.  But  I thank  a merciful 
Providence  that  the  state  just  described  lasted  little  more 
than  two  weeks.  The  abrasion  of  the  skin  in  the  groin 
alone  failed  to  disappear,  but  I soon  found  — on  my 
physician’s  suggestion  — that  smearing  a little  vaseline 
after  each  bath  prevented  all  trouble.  This  precaution 
has  been  necessary  the  bulk  of  the  time  subsequently  up  to 
this  autobiography’s  going  to  press  (1918). 

Before  the  end  of  the  second  year  after  inoculation,  I 
suffered  from  two  more  chancres  on  the  tongue,  which 
did  not  permanently  destroy  any  tissue.  On  two  other 
occasions  the  tongue  became  considerably  swollen  without 
any  visible  sore,  occasioning  some  difficulty  in  speaking. 

Fourteen  months  after  inoculation  four  bright  copper- 
colored  mole-like  spots  appeared  on  the  face.  The  color 
changed  to  a dull  brown,  and  they  have  thus  remained  a 
permanent  part  of  me.  On  several  occasions,  my  body 
and  limbs  were  dotted  with  a syphilitic  rash,  horrifying  to 


Tertiary  Syphilis. 


233 


see,  but  disappearing  in  a week  or  two  and  causing  no 
pain  or  inconvenience. 

During  the  third  and  fourth  year  after  inoculation,  I 
suffered  slightly  from  “ gray  patches  ” on  the  tongue, 
swelling  of  glands  in  the  face  and  neck,  and  quite  serious 
syphilitic  affections  of  the  lungs  and  stomach.  For  sev- 
eral years  now  J had  to  use  potassium  iodide  extensively, 
and  with  good  results.  Earlier  I had  taken  only  500  Yg- 
grain  protiodide  pills. 

From  the  fifth  to  the  ninth  year  after  inoculation,  there 
were  no  symptoms  except  the  abrasion  of  the  groin.  For 
the  first  nine  years,  the  aggregate  amount  of  suffering 
caused  me  by  syphilis  was  approximately  equivalent  to 
two  five-day  attacks  of  influenza  (the  “grip”),  from 
which  disease  I have  repeatedly  suffered.  I am  of  the 
opinion  that  the  peril  to  the  human  race  from  syphilis  is 
greatly  exaggerated  by  specialists  in  venereal  diseases. 
There  is  little  danger  from  the  disease  if  one  totally  ab- 
stains from  alcohol,  and  possibly  tobacco  and  other  nar- 
cotics. 

But  the  most  serious  outbreaks  came  in  the  tenth  and 
eleventh  years.  I awoke  one  morning  to  find  a small  set 
of  muscles  paralyzed  as  a result  of  a cerebral  tumor. 
The  paralysis  lasted  three  months,  but  these  muscles  were 
not  entirely  restored  to  normal  for  two  years  following. 
I had  simply  used  potassium  iodide  in  large  doses. 

Just  about  twelve  months  later,  I again  awoke  one 
morning  to  find  another  small  set  of  muscles  paralyzed. 
I immediately  received  one  intravenous  injection  of  salvar- 
san,  and  the  paralysis  practically  disappeared  a week 
later.  I was  disinclined  to  receive  further  injections  as 


234 


No  Alcohol,  No  Syphilis. 


long  as  suffering  from  no  serious  outbreak.  I however 
kept  my  system  steeped  in  potassium  iodide  for  several 
months  following. 

Each  attack  of  paralysis  came  at  the  close  of  one  of 
the  only  two  periods  of  my  life  when  I have  consumed 
large  quantities  of  temperance  beers  (sarsaparilla  and 
root  beer),  from  two  to  three  pints  a day.  The  small 
amounts  of  alcohol  steadily  imbibed  apparently  brought 
on  the  serious  outbreaks.  Furthermore,  both  came  at 
the  height  of  the  grape  season,  which  fruit,  up  to  the  sec- 
ond paralysis,  I have  always  consumed  in  large  quantities. 
In  my  case,  practically  all  the  serious  outbreaks  of  syph- 
ilis came  during  the  grape  season. 

In  the  tenth  year  after  inoculation,  I was  for  an  entire 
winter  the  most  crippled  person  daily  mingling  with  the 
New  York  crowds.  The  rheumatism  never  troubled  me 
before  or  since.  It  immediately  succeeded  the  first  par- 
alysis. Rheumatism  remedies  proved  entirely  ineffective. 

Subsequently  to  the  second  paralysis,  for  the  thirty 
months  up  to  this  book’s  going  to  press,  I have  totally 
abstained  from  all  drinks  containing  even  a trifling  per- 
centage of  alcohol,  as  well  as  from  grapes  and  unfer- 
mented grape  products.  During  these  months  I have  ex- 
perienced no  outbreak  beyond  the  abrasion  in  the  groin  if 
not  kept  lubricated  with  vaseline.  More  than  ever  I am 
convinced  of  the  truth  of  the  maxim:  No  alcohol,  no 
syphilis. 

******** 

# 

As  already  indicated,  three  years  after  castration,  my 
open  (i.e.,  quasi-public)  career  as  a fairie  came  to  an  end 


The  Author  at  Thirty-four 


Year  1907  — Alone  in  Rockies’  Wilds. 


235 


through  my  removal  to  a distant  small  city  where  such  a 
career  incognito  would  be  impossible.  I also  now  con- 
sidered myself  past  the  age  for  such  a career,  being  in  my 
thirty-second  year.  My  suffering  from  practically  total 
abstinence  was  now  slight  compared  with  earlier  periods 
of  isolation,  and  only  such  as  multitudes  of  normal  indi- 
viduals endure  whom  the  rules  of  society  compel  to  celib- 
acy. I no  longer  lost  my  self-control,  nor  was  driven 
into  the  poor  quarters  to  make  a quest  under  the  most 
unfavorable  and  hazardous  conditions. 

In  1907  I had  occasion  to  make  a trip  in  an  uninhabited 
region.  My  adolescent  companions,  who  had  spent  a 
large  part  of  their  lives  in  the  wilds  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains, had  prostitutes  as  the  main  subject  of  their  con- 
versation. The  first  hour  of  our  travels,  they  recognized 
my  inversion,  began  to  refer  to  me  in  my  hearing  as  “ that 

,”  and  otherwise  made  it  so  disgreeable  that  I would 

have  abandoned  the  travelling  camp  if  it  had  been  pos- 
sible. ...  I tasted  such  depths  of  sorrow  as  not  a hu- 
man being  out  of  a million  ever  tastes.  One  evening  in 
particular  I wandered  off  alone  in  the  woods  until  out  of 
hearing  of  the  camp,  though  I actually  saw  that  night 
several  bears  roaming  within  a hundred  feet.  I had  a 
violent  desire  to  die,  and  did  not  fear  being  torn  to 
pieces.  Continuously  for  about  an  hour,  I wailed  at  the 
top  of  my  voice  over  my  terrible  lot  in  life,  that  of  a 
despised,  hated,  and  outlawed  degenerate,  and  over  the 
possibly  impending  unfathomable  disgrace  among  a party 
of  men  from  whom  I could  not  at  present  get  away. 

Not  until  after  my  thirty-third  birthday  did  I attempt 
coitus  cum  puella.  Up  to  this  time  the  very  thought  was 


236 


Coitus  cum  Puella  Impossible. 


too  repulsive.  This  aversion  had  now  in  large  part 
passed  away,  although  I had  not  the  slightest  inclination. 
I looked  upon  it  merely  as  a scientific  experiment. 
Though  castration  has  always  been  without  effect  on 
orgasm  when  in  juxtaposition  cum  viris,  it  was  now  im- 
possible, notwithstanding  my  companion’s  manustupra- 
tion  and  my  own  concentration  of  thoughts  on  fellatio 
with  my  idols.  Penetration  was  of  course  impossible. 
******** 

In  1907  I removed  to  a city  of  several  hundred  thousand 
inhabitants.  As  I frequently  felt  a sense  of  utter  loneli- 
ness and  melancholia  during  my  two  years  of  practical 
sexual  isolation  — for  I never  indulged  in  even  flirtation 
with  adolescents  of  my  every-day  circle  — I decided  to 
seek  a mate  at  a military  post  a few  miles  from  the  city. 
I still  longed  for  a mate  to  the  same  degree  as  the  average 
normal  individual. 

I had  several  hundred  to  choose  from,  and  selected  the 
most  attractive,  a six-foot,  curly-haired,  large-boned, 
blonde  athlete  of  twenty  years.  I easily  scraped  acquaint- 
ance, and  thereafter  visited  him  at  the  fort  three  evenings 
a month,  but  fellatio  occurred  at  hardly  more  than  one- 
half  of  our  meetings,  chiefly  because  I did  not  wish  to  be 
intellectually  dull  the  next  day  or  two.  The  most  beau- 
tiful sight  that  I ever  saw  was  this  adolescent  when  ac- 
coutered to  stand  guard.  I found  that  he  was  by  far  the 
most  tattooed  person  that  I had  ever  associated  with  — 
for  me  a great  attraction.  I also  found  that  he  possessed 
the  most  charming  personality,  always  treating  me  most 
affably  notwithstanding  that  I represented  myself  — as  a 


First  “ Adopted  Son.” 


237 


safeguard  against  possible  blackmail  — as  occupying  a 
far  lower  station  in  life  than  the  actual.  At  almost  our 
first  meeting  I determined  to  adopt  him  as  my  “ kiddo- 
son  ” (combination  of  son  and  consort).  For  the  first 
time,  I now,  at  the  age  of  thirty-three,  regarded  my  par- 
ticular friend  in  the  son-relation  rather  than  in  the  hus- 
band-relation. But  I secretly  looked  upon  him  as  my 
husband.  Relations  were,  however,  not  entirely  monan- 
drous,  as  he  brought  several  of  his  comrades  on  our  walks. 

Not  until  after  sixteen  months  of  occasional  association 
at  the  fort  did  I reveal  my  true  name  and  status,  having 
found  that  he  was  entirely  trustworthy.  He  now  regu- 
larly visited  my  home,  and  continued  to  manifest  a most 
beautiful  and  accommodating  disposition.  He  was  my 
jewel  — the  chief  thing  to  me  in  life.  When  his  second 
enlistment  expired,  he  was  to  come  and  live  with  me  as  my 
“ son.” 

In  1914  business  took  me  back  to  New  York.  My 
“ son’s  ” enlistment  was  soon  to  expire,  and  he  was  to  join 
me  there.  I had  no  thought  of  renewing  my  visits  to 
Forts  X and  Y,  because  practically  all  the  soldiers  serve 
only  three  years  and  my  friends  had  doubtless  all  left. 
Besides  I had  become  too  old  (40,  though  looking  to  be 
below  30)  for  romantic  adventures,  and  my  desire  for 
female  impersonation  had  become  comparatively  weak. 

In  due  time,  my  “ son  ” came  to  make  his  home  with 
me.  We  shared  a pleasant  and  refined  apartment.  I 
had  at  last  obtained  an  almost  life-long  desire  — to  live 
with  an  adored  young  man  as  his  mate.  I told  him  that 
whenever  he  was  ready,  I expected  him  to  bring  a wife  to 
our  home,  and  I was  to  continue  to  live  with  them  as  a 


238 


Year  1914  — At  Age  of  Forty. 


parent.  I hoped  that  occasional  fellatio  would  continue 
unbeknown  to  the  wife.  I also  told  him  that  his  offspring 
would  be  to  me  the  same  as  if  they  were  my  own. 

But  within  a few  days  after  we  were  settled,  he,  much 
to  my  surprise,  forbade  me  to  touch  hirr\,  and  insisted 
that  we  sleep  in  separate  rooms.  My  grief  was  intense. 
As  many  as  a hundred  times  a day  as  I sat  in  my  office  or 
in  my  home,  I had  to  wipe  the  tears  out  of  my  eyes. 
Finally  he  yielded  to  my  tears,  and  promised  that  one 
hour  each  week  I could  get  close  to  him,  and  that  all 
love-making  must  be  confined  to  that  one  hour.  But  I 
kept  an  accurate  account,  and  the  period  averaged  only 
thirty-six  minutes  a week.  I had  continually  to  beg  and 
weep  for  that  morsel  of  time.  I was  presenting  gift  after 
gift,  mostly  cash.  For  every  gift,  I received  a kick  — fig- 
uratively. He  told  me  that  he  stayed  with  me  for  the  six 
months  just  for  what  he  could  get  out  of  me.  He  said 
he  could  never  think  of  admitting  to  the  bonds  of  friend- 
ship a person  abnormal  sexually.  He  would  stay  in  the 
same  room  with  me  an  aggregate  of  only  about  three 
hours  a week,  although  I was  pining  for  his  mere  presence. 

He  permitted  fellatio  three  times  a month,  but  much 
preferred  the  normal  with  a fille  de  joie,  with  whom  he 
spent  one  night  each  week,  and  on  whom  he  spent  prac- 
tically all  his  money.  He  stated  that  he  was  averse  to 
fellatio  because  he  wished  to  save  all  his  vita  sexualis  for 
the  filles. 

With  the  exception  of  the  half-year  following  my  expul- 
sion from  the  university,  this  half-year  was  the  most  un- 
happy of  my  life.  The  three  hours  a week  that  we  saw 
each  other  were  mostly  spent  in  his  scolding  me  and  my 


“ Son  ” Breaks  My  Heart. 


239 


weeping  almost  continuously.  He  would  say  that  he 
hated  the  sight  of  me.  Tears  were  generally  running 
down  my  cheeks  even  during  fellatio.  He  had  broken  my 
heart  by  proving  to  be  a traitor  to  our  friendship.  But 
my  devotion  wa^  not  at  all  lessened.  After  six  months  he 
deserted  my  home  — as  stunning  a blow  as  the  death  of  a 
brother. 

But  I pursued  him  and  through  cash  induced  him  to 
call  on  me  twice  a month  for  the  following  two  years, 
when  he  removed  from  New  York.  Several  months  after 
he  deserted  my  home,  he  showed  repentance  for  the  way 
he  had  treated  me  while  living  there.  He  became  as  win- 
some and  accommodating  as  ever,  but  did  not  care  to  live 
with  me  again.  He  said  that  he  could  not  stand  my  con- 
tinual petting.  He  gave  as  the  reason  for  his  change 
from  winsomeness  to  an  extremely  cruel  attitude  the  in- 
fluence of  a boon  companion  in  the  army,  who,  after  ex- 
piration of  enlistment,  also  took  up  his  residence  in  New 
York  and  continued  to  be  a chum  and  a frequent  visitor 
at  our  home.  This  companion  was  one  of  the  few  ado- 
lescents who  feel  an  intense  and  incurable  antipathy  for  an 
effeminate  male,  and  continually  sought  to  poison  my 
“ son’s  ” mind  against  me,  and  persuade  him  to  have 
nothing  to  do  with  me. 

During  the  summer  of  1916,  when  my  “ son  ” left  New 
York,  I became  anxious  to  be  possessed  of  a second. 
Four  evenings  were  spent  hunting  in  small  parks  where 
poor  adolescents  were  accustomed  to  sit.  As  I searched  I 
prayed  the  Heavenly  Father  to  send  a suitable  adolescent 
to  become  my  “ son.”  I still  shrank  from  betraying  my 
androgynism  to  any  adolescent  of  my  every-day  circle.  I 


240 


Second  “Adopted  Son.: 


desired  to  reveal  it  to  some  brand-new  acquaintance 
among  manual  laborers,  associate  with  him  a few  months 
incognito,  and  then,  if  he  proved  worthy  of  trust,  reveal 
my  identity.  Not  until  the  fourth  evening  did  I run 
across  a cleanly  good-looking  adolescent  seated  alone  — 
a khaki-clad  soldier,  my  ideal  both  in  respect  to  type  of 
manhood  and  in  respect  to  apparel.  I immediately  en- 
tered into  conversation.  He  confided  that  he  was  penni- 
less and  was  spending  the  evening  in  the  park  with  the 
hope  that  a passive  invert  would  come  along  and  provide 
him  with  money.  I found  him  an  ideal  companion  for  an 
androgyne.  He  had  also  served  an  enlistment  in  the  navy, 
thus  uniting  the  two  characters,  soldier  and  blue-jacket, 
which  I have  always  gone  wild  over. 

After  an  acquaintance  of  only  one  hour,  because  I found 
him  uniquely  acceptable,  and  because  he  had  to  leave  the 
following  morning  for  the  Mexican  border,  the  agreement 
was  made  that  he  was  to  be  my  “ adopted  son  ” and  come 
to  live  with  me  when  his  enlistment  expired.  At  the  same 
time  I gave  him  my  true  name  and  address. 

In  the  late  fall  his  enlistment  expired,  and  he  returned 
to  New  York  to  live  with  me.  The  indications  that  he 
would  prove  to  be  an  ideal  adolescent  to  share  the  apart- 
ment of  an  androgyne  more  than  came  true.  He  was  al- 
ways good-natured  and  respectful.  But  he  had  had  no 
moral  training  and  was  an  extreme  dipsomaniac.  He 
was  the  illegitimate  son  of  a mistress  of  a house  of  ill 
fame.  I did  my  best  to  reform  him.  He  would  carry 
away  my  personal  belongings  to  exchange  for  whiskey. 
He  refused  to  foork,  depending  entirely  on  me  for  his  sup- 
port. 


My  Home  is  Burglarised. 


241 


One  evening  after  we  had  lived  together  a month,  I re- 
turned from  work  to  find  my  apartment  in  the  condition 
in  which  burglars  would  have  left  it,  locked  closets  and 
drawers  broken  open,  and  their  contents  scattered  around. 
All  small  objects  of  some  value  which  could  readily  be 
pawned  were  missing.  Particularly  the  carbon  duplicate 
of  this  autobiography,  the  ink  original  having  been  sent 
to  Berlin  three  years  before  and  not  heard  from  since  on 
account  of  the  war.  I found  the  following  note: 

“ Dear  friend  Ralph, 

My  friend  over  in  Jersey  City  told  me  to  do  this  what 
I have  done.  He  may  come  over  to  see  you  tonight  or 
soon,  for  he  says  I am  doing  wrong.  He  tells  me  you 
will  get  ten  years  for  what  you  have  done.  I was  drunk 
when  I told  him.” 

I hardly  slept  that  night.  It  was  primarily  a wife’s 
sorrow  over  desertion  by  an  idolized  husband,  and  sec- 
ondarily the  overwhelming  fear  of  blackmail  or  else  of 
disclosure  with  consequent  loss  of  economic  and  social 
position.  Moreover,  I momentarily  expected  that  the 
Jersey  City  friend  — a former  soldier  — would  call,  pos- 
sibly in  order  to  put  me  under  arrest.  I kept  my  apart- 
ment in  darkness  the  entire  evening  as  I lay  on  my  bed 
immersed  in  the  deepest  grief.  My  only  utterance  was, 
over  and  over  again : “ The  Lord  hath  given,  and  the 

Lord  hath  taken  away.  Blessed  be  the  name  of  the 
Lord.” 

The  following  evening  I was  amazed  at  learning  that 
the  manuscript  of  this  autobiography  had  been  returned 
by  parcels  post.  The  package  had  been  inadvertently 
opened  by  my  landlord,  and  I therefore  decided  to  confess 


242 


Year  1917. 


my  androgynism.  Moreover,  on  account  of  the  expected 
call  from  criminally-minded  blackmailers,  it  was  desirable 
to  appeal  to  him  for  protection.  His  marvellous  and 
hardly  expected  sympathy  greatly  relieved  my  distress. 
I proposed  vacating  his  house,  but  he  would  not  hear  of  it. 

The  next  evening  I was  amazed  at  receiving  by  messen- 
ger a letter  from  my  boy  to  come  at  once  to  his  succor.  I 
found  him  in  a terrible  plight,  recovering  from  a spree. 
His  “ pal  ” had  kicked  him  out  of  his  home  as  soon  as  the 
money  was  gone  received  for  my  belongings.  Blackmail 
and  a ransom  for  my  manuscript  had  been  planned,  but 
relinquished  when  they  had  skimmed  the  story  of  my  life. 
My  “ son  ” had  only  discovered  its  existence  after  he  broke 
the  lock  where  it  was  in  storage.  I would  have  immedi- 
ately taken  him  back  into  my  home,  but  my  landlord  re- 
fused to  let  a thief  and  a drunkard  into  the  house  again. 
I supported  him  for  another  month,  but  as  he  rendered  me 
almost  continuously  unhappy,  I then  put  him  on  a train 
bound  for  his  Illinois  home. 

To  those  who  have  not  arrived  at  a correct  estimate  of 
androgynism,  I state  that  if  he  had  continued  to  live  with 
me  as  my  son,  his  life  would  have  been  enriched  along  all 
lines,  in  particular  morally  and  religiously.  In  practi- 
cally every  act  of  my  life,  I have  been  guided  by  the  high- 
est moral  and  religious  ideals.  Outside  of  sexual  delin- 
quencies, my  life  has  been  entirely  offenceless.  An  an- 
drogyne, even  when  living  out  his  nature,  can  attain  the 
same  ethical  and  religious  heights  as  any  other  individual. 
******** 

Arrived  in  my  45th  year  and  at  practically  the  close  of 
my  vita  sexualis,  my  advice  to  the  youthful  invert  just  em- 


The  Author  at  Forty-four. 


In  My  4:5th  Year. 


243 


barking  .on  the  journey  of  life  is  not  to  be  disheartened 
over  his  fate.  Nature,  as  in  my  own  case,  will  bestow 
compensating  boons  for  her  harshness  in  this  one  respect. 
If  instinct  is  strong,  it  is  advisable  to  follow  it  in  modera- 
tion. But  it  should  hold  only  a secondary  place  in  life. 
It  should  be  remembered  that  Nature  exacts  a penalty  in 
the  shape  of  impaired  vigor  of  mind  and  body  for  prac- 
tically every  sexual  indulgence  — and  perhaps  as  much  of 
the  normally  sexed  as  of  her  step-children,  the  congenitally 
abnormal.  Consider  whether  indulgence  is  worth  the  cost 
in  health. 

Comparing  in  1918  my  sexual  lot  with  that  of  the  nor- 
mal male,  I feel  that  in  the  matter  of  the  vita  sexualis, 
Nature  has  been  kind  to  me.  She  has  compensated  me  for 
the  unusual  amount  of  suffering  bound  up  with  the  life  of 
the  outcast  androgyne. 

Comparing  my  sexual  lot  with  that  of  the  normal  woman 
who  bears  children,  I feel  of  course  that  she  stands  on  a 
much  higher  plane.  Her  functioning  has  an  exalted  end, 
the  perpetuation  of  the  race,  and  is  attended  with  infinitely 
more  self-sacrifice  than  is  the  androgyne’s. 

Why  does  Nature  make  approximately  one  out  of  every 
300  physical  males  an  androgyne  or  passive  invert  ? The 
practice  of  the  ancient  Romans,  as  well  as  my  own  experi- 
ence and  that  of  other  androgynes  whom  I have  known, 
suggests  the  answer.  All  patrician  fathers  of  ancient 
Rome  provided  androgyne  slaves  as  concubines  of  their 
adolescent  sons.  Marriage  with  a woman  put  an  abso- 
lute end  to  these  relations.  In  the  case  of  myself  and  my 
androgyne  acquaintances,  practically  no  man  beyond  the 
age  of  26  ever  sought  or  permitted  relations.  The  func- 


244 


Year  1918. 


tion  appears  to  be  to  fill  in  the  period  between  the  arrival 
at  puberty  and  the  arrival  at  the  age  when  it  is  possible  to 
beget  unblemished  offspring.  With  the  ultra-virile  adol- 
escent, it  is  often  a choice  between  solitary  onanism  and 
androgynous  relations. 

As  this  autobiography  goes  to  press  in  my  45th  year, 
my  health  is  unchanged  from  what  it  has  been  since  cas- 
tration at  the  age  of  28.  I am  rather  feeble,  almost  a 
semi-invalid,  averaging  two  days  a week  when  I am  in  a 
state  of  mental  and  physical  collapse.  I am,  however, 
an  unusually  hard  worker  in  my  profession  during  my  com- 
paratively well  intervals.  I have  achieved  the  average 
business  success  that  comes  to  university  graduates  not- 
withstanding my  seini-invalidism  and  effeminacy.  Par- 
ticularly business  has  caused  me  to  mingle  intimately  to  a 
large  extent  with  the  very  highest  class  of  society,  just  as 
my  lot  has  been  to  mingle  intimately  and  to  a large  extent 
with  those  at  the  very  bottom  of  the  social  scale. 

As  to  my  personal  appearance  in  my  middle  forties,  my 
youthfulness  is  still  often  commented  upon.  Recently  a 
new  acquaintance,  twelve  years  younger  than  myself,  re- 
marked that  he  would  have  taken  me,  “ as  for  the  oldest 
possible,  for  twelve  years  younger  than  ” I really  am.  I 
am  inclined  to  think  that  preservation  of  a youthful  ap- 
pearance down  to  middle  life  is  a common  characteristic 
of  androgynes.  As  they  are  affected  more  or  less  with 
psychical  infantilism,  this  mental  trait  is  likely  thus  to 
betray  itself  somewhat  in  the  physical  form.  An  adult 
androgyne  of  my  acquaintance  has  conspicuously  the  form 
of  skull  and  face  of  an  infant.  Another  androgyne  ac- 
quaintance appears  at  fifty-five  to  be  under  thirty  when 


Conclusion. 


245 


viewed  from  a distance  of  forty  feet,  but  close  by  his  face 
is  seen  to  be  covered  with  very  fine  wrinkles  such  as  appear 
in  the  face  of  an  ordinary  individual  only  when  past  the 
age  of  eighty. 

Having  now  (1918')  arrived  near  the  close  of  a half- 
century  of  life  as  an  androgyne,  I find  my  vita  sexualis 
practically  at  an  end,  and  feel  thereby  liberated  from  an 
incubus  which  has  hitherto  prevented  my  making  the  most 
of  my  god-given  faculties.  As  I look  back  on  life,  I am 
of  the  opinion  that  I have  had  a “ hard  row  to  hoe.”  In 
occasional  spells  of  anguish,  I have  been  tempted,  like  the 
patriarch  Job,  to  “ curse  God  and  die,”  because  He  cre- 
ated me  a degenerate,  a person  almost  universally  despised 
and  hated  for  proclivities  and  acts  for  which  he  is  not 
really  responsible.  On  such  occasions,  I have  also,  in  the 
deep  gloom  which  the  realization  of  my  perverted  nature 
brings  upon  me,  importuned  the  Creator  to  show  mercy  on 
me,  who  have  been  appointed  to  such  a terrible  fate.  In 
my  more  spiritual  moods  I shrink  from  the  memory  of  the 
experiences  through  which  my  abnormality  caused  me  to 
pass,  and  am  overwhelmed  with  despair  at  the  thought  of 
the  depths  of  perdition  to  which  cultured  humanity  con- 
signs the  androgyne  who  yields  to  his  instincts. 

I trust  that  the  publication  of  my  life  story  will  con- 
tribute to  a correct  estimate  of  androgvnism  on  the  part 
of  scientists,  the  molders  of  public  opinion,  and  the  law- 
makers, and  to  a more  kindly  treatment  by  society  of 
those  born  with  this  curse.  It  is  only  expressing  half  the 
truth  to  say  that  they  are  more  to  be  pitied  than  scorned. 
They  are  wholly  to  be  pitied. 

October,  1918. 


246 


Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne. 


Appendix  I 

IMPRESSIONS  OF  THE  AUTHOR 

By  a Business  Associate 

[The  editor,  although  aware  of  the  identity  of  the 
writer  of  this  sketch,  omits  his  name  upon  his  request. — 
A.  W.  H.] 

My  acquaintance  with  the  author  dates  back  over 
eleven  years  to  the  day  when  I commenced  work  in  the 
same  large  office  where  he  was  employed.  We  continued 
to  work  in  the  same  room  and  in  close  association  for 
five,  years,  and  have  kept  up  a close  friendship  for  the  six 
subsequent  years.  On  entering  my  new  place  of  work, 
he  was  one  of  the  first  persons  to  attract  my  attention 
because  of  his  rather  peculiar  cast  of  features.  My  sec- 
ond distinct  memory  of  him  is  of  entering  the  office  to  find 
him  weeping  bitterly  as  he  sat  at  his  desk.  Since  mascu- 
line tears  are  a rather  unusual  sight,  I instituted  inquiries 
and  learned  that  his  chief  had  just  called  his  attention  to 
an  error  discovered  in  his  work.  A third  very  early  mem- 
ory was  of  the  author’s  coming  up  to  me,  and  saying  after 
we  had  exchanged  a few  words : “ Did  you  know  I am 

a woman?  ” After  beholding  for  a moment  my  mystifica- 
tion, he  said:  “I  was  only  joking.”  He  went  on  his 
way,  leaving  me  trying  to  unravel  the  question  as  to 
wherein  the  joke  lay. 


Impressions  of  an  Associate. 


247 


Other  incidents  like  the  two  described  tended  to  confirm 
mj  original  impression  that  he  was  a rather  eccentric  in- 
dividual, as  he  was  indeed  generally  regarded  by  the  office 
staff,  who,  however,  at  the  same  time  recognized  his  good 
qualities. 

About  a year  elapsed  before  our  acquaintance  assumed 
any  degree  of  intimacy,  and  it  was  only  after  a second  year 
had  elapsed  that  he  confided  to  me  his  history  as  out- 
lir>ed  in  the  autobiography.  His  thus  making  me  his  con- 
fidant I attribute  in  large  measure  to  the  circumstance 
that  he  had  learned  at  a relatively  early  date  that  I had 
read  Krafft-Ebing’s  “ Psychopathia  Sexualis,”  and  was 
therefore  presumably  in  a position  to  give  a sympathetic 
and  intelligent  hearing.  Whether  this  was  the  underlying 
reason  or  not,  it  was  an  important  factor  in  determining 
my  attitude  towards  him,  since  the  practices  consequent 
on  his  abnormality  inspire  me  with  intense  disgust.  Only 
the  conviction  that  he  was  no  more  responsible  than  was 
Dr.  Holmes’  Elsie  Venner  for  her  obliquity  could  have  in- 
duced me  to  associate  on  terms  of  intimacy  with  one  wTho 
resorted  to  such  practices.  In  fact  I had  been  for  some 
years  previously  acquainted  with  a man  notorious  through- 
out his  community  for  these  same  practices,  but  always 
avoided  him  whenever  possible. 

As  a matter  of  fact,  it  would  be  difficult  for  any  but 
the  most  bigoted,  knowing  the  author  of  this  autobiog- 
raphy, to  impute  wilful  perversion  to  him.  In  his  general 
habit  of  thought,  he  has  always  shown  an  austere  morality 
that  caused  him  at  times  to  be  referred  to  playfully  in  the 
office  as  “ Cato  the  censor.”  At  the  same  time  he  dis- 


248 


Impressions  of  an  Associate. 


played  in  many  ways  so  much  guilelessness  and  lack  of 
worldly  wLdom  as  to  make  it  impossible  to  believe  that 
this  moral  austerity  could  be  merely  a mask  of  deep-dyed 
hypocrisy.  It  is,  in  fact,  difficult  to  associate  with  him 
without  being  convinced  of  his  deep  religious  feeling. 
Going  to  church  appears  to  be  indeed  one  of  the  chief  joys 
of  his  life.  Because  it  would  keep  him  from  the  church 
service,  I have  even  known  him  to  decline  an  invitation  to 
dinner  from  an  old  friend  whom  he  had  not  seen  for  sev- 
eral years  and  to  whom  he  was  under  great  obligations. 
In  fact  I have  myself  come  to  regard  attendance  at  church 
services  on  Sunday  as  inevitable  a feature  of  my  visits 
to  the  author’s  home  as  it  is  of  my  visits  to  my  parents, 
these  being  in  fact  the  only  occasions  on  which  I attend 
church. 

My  characterization  of  the  author’s  personal  appear- 
ance would  be  as  mild  and  ovine  (that  is,  sheeplike).  A 
young  lady  co-laborer  of  his  in  the  office  said  on  one  occa- 
sion when  some  of  us  men  had  been  teasing  him  that  he 
looked  “ like  a frightened  bunny.”  Most  persons  would 
probably  set  him  down  as  somewhat  lacking  in  the  more 
forceful,  virile  quality.  He  conveys  the  impression,  as  it 
were,  of  always  being  on  the  point  of  apologizing  for  the 
fact  that  he  exists. 

He  proved  to  be  an  admirable  subject  for  teasing,  and 
some  of  us  at  the  office  got  as  much  fun  out  of  teasing  him 
as  we  would  from  teasing  and  playing  tricks  on  our  girl 
friends,  and  his  reaction  to  it  was  essentially  feminine  — - 
a sort  of  pleased  childlike  pride  at  being  the  object  of 
attention. 


Impressions  of  an  Associate. 


249 


He  also  at  times  displayed  typically  feminine  reactions 
of  disgust  at  repulsive  or  seemingly  repulsive  objects. 
On  one  occasion,  for  example,  he  tore  off  and  threw  away 
the  cover  of  a publication  on  his  desk  in  the  office  which 
had  been  stained  with  red  ink,  because  it  looked  like  blood. 

In  my  own  judgment,  the  aspect  in  which  he  displays 
most  strongly  the  feminine  attributes  is  in  his  capacity 
for  lavishing  trust  and  affection  upon  unworthy  objects. 
During  my  acquaintance  with  him  he  has  at  different  times 
had  two  friends  for  whom  he  had  especially  strong  affec- 
tion, even  to  the  extent  of  taking  them  into  his  own  abode ; 
and  in  one  case  going  so  far  as  to  talk  of  adoption.  From 
his  own  account  of  his  relations  with  these  young  men, 
the  inference  which  the  disinterested  listener  would  draw 
was  that  they  were  persons  who  were  playing  a good 
thing  for  all  it  was  worth.  According  to  his  own  state- 
ment, they  were  mulcting  him,  on  one  pretext  or  another, 
of  large  sums  of  money,  albeit  always  on  some  colorable 
excuse.  He  always,  however,  affirmed  their  essential  good- 
ness of  character  and  refused  to  believe  that  they  could 
be  otherwise,  even  when  they  were  acting  towards  him  in 
the  most  unfeeling  manner.  To  my  mind,  in  his  relations 
wTith  these  acquaintances,  he  afforded  an  almost  perfect 
parallel  to  the  woman  who,  wedded  to  a drunken  brute, 
nevertheless  remains  faithful  and  adoring  to  the  end. 

Another  somewhat  feminine  trait  is  a sensitiveness  that 
is  readily  moved  to  tears.  I have  already  referred  to  the 
time  when  he  wept  over  an  implied  criticism  of  his  work. 
An  equally  characteristic  episode  occurred  later,  during 
a visit  to  his  home  from  his  mother.  One  night  he  was 


250 


Impressions  of  an  Associate. 


caught  in  a heavy  rain,  and  reached  home  drenched  to  the 
skin.  The  next  morning,  his  face  convulsed  and  tears 
hardly  kept  back,  he  told  me  of  his  fear  that  he  was  losing 
his  love  for  his  mother  because  he  did  not  feel  like  talking 
to  her  the  night  before  — as  if  forsooth  a drenching  would 
not  have  dampened  the  desire  for  speech  in  any  man. 

One  other  trait  worth  mentioning  — because  it  is  one 
that  I regard  as  more  or  less  feminine  — is  a certain  lack 
of  perspective,  a tendency  to  allow  minor  details  to  bulk 
as  large  in  his  eye  as  major.  This  showed  itself  in  his 
work,  which,  though  always  characterized  by  thorough- 
ness, was  frequently  too  much  so,  the  really  vital  things 
being  allowed  to  become  obscured  by  a mass  of  detail  of 
minor  importance. 

May,  1918. 


Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne. 


251 


Appendix  II 

THE  CASE  OF  OSCAR  WILDE 
By  the  author  of  this  autobiography 

Oscar  Wilde  presents  a different  phase  of  homosexuality 
from  the  author,  that  is,  active  pederasty.  Apparently 
his  was  the  active  role  in  paedicatio  or  inter  femora.  Ac- 
cording to  Frank  Harris,  Wilde’s  confidant  and  the  author 
of  his  best  biography,  Wilde  thus  analyzes  his  penchant : 
“ What  is  the  food  of  passion  but  beauty,  beauty  alone, 
beauty  always,  and  in  beauty  of  form  and  vigor  of  life 
there  is  no  comparison  [with  the  female  sex].  If  you  loved 
beauty  as  intensely  as  I do,  you  would  feel  as  I feel.  It  is 
beauty  which  gives  me  joy,  makes  me  drunk  as  with  wine, 
blind  with  insatiable  desire.”  “ There  are  people  in  the 
world  who  cannot  understand  the  deep  affection  that  an 
artist  can  feel  for  a friend  with  a beautiful  personality.” 

Like  the  author,  Wilde  was  born  and  reared  in  the  best 
environment  and  enjoyed  unexcelled  educational  advan- 
tages. But  as  a boy  and  youth,  he  betrayed  no  feminine 
mental  traits.  Unlike  the  author,  he  was  not  feminesque 
physically.  Further,  while  the  author  during  youth  and 
early  “ manhood  ” was  notably  small,  Wilde  grew  to  be  one 
of  the  largest  of  men,  six  feet,  two  inches  in  height,  and  of 
stout  build. 


252 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


Apparently  instinct  did  not  become  sufficiently  powerful 
to  cry  for  appeasement  until  he  became  a student  at  Ox- 
ford. While  one  of  the  leaders  in  scholarship  and  already 
a society  favorite,  it  was  nevertheless  being  whispered  that 
he  was  a pederast.  This  was  due  to  his  openness,  he  not 
seeming  to  care  if  every  one  knew  of  his  penchant,  and  not 
realizing  that  he  was  guilty  of  anything  scandalous. 

Having  graduated  from  Oxford  with  the  highest  honors, 
Wilde  took  up  his  residence  in  London.  Unlike  the  au- 
thor, he  was  capable  cum  femina,  but  did  not  marry  until 
twenty-nine.  Two  sons  resulted.  Marriage  and  father- 
hood are  the  two  strongest  arguments  against  him  in  any 
judgment  on  his  pederasty. 

Hardly  another  human  being  has  at  the  age  of  thirty 
achieved  such  fame.  In  the  family  of  the  author,  then  a 
boy  of  ten,  and  living  in  a different  country  and  3,000 
miles  away,  the  name  “ Oscar  Wilde  ” was  a household 
term.  Even  every  child  of  the  village  was  as  familiar 
with  that  name  as  with  that  of  the  man  next  door.  This 
fame  resulted  from  his  being  the  idol  of  England’s  aris- 
tocracy, the  greatest  social  light  of  the  nineteenth  century 
in  any  land,  one  of  the  most  brilliant  conversationalists 
that  ever  breathed,  a poet  of  high  rank,  and  the  foremost 
English  playwright  of  his  generation. 

But  notwithstanding  that  during  the  late  eighties  and 
early  nineties  of  the  nineteenth  century,  Wilde  was  the 
most  widely  known  and  the  most  talked  about  man  in  Lon- 
don, he  was  so  disdainful  of  the  opinion  of  mankind  as  to 
visit  regularly  — not  incognito,  but  under  his  own  illus- 
trious name  — the  leading  maison  publique  of  London 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


253 


which  catered  exclusively  to  active  pederasts.  He  here 
made  the  acquaintance  of  adolescents  — little  better  than 
gutter-snipes  — some  of  whom  he  subsequently  entertained 
in  private  rooms  of  London’s  foremost  hostelry.  He  also 
had  a habit  of  leaving  his  meek,  long-suffering  wife  at 
home  with  the  children,  and  taking  up  his  residence  in  a 
furnished  apartment,  where  he  entertained  his  adolescent 
friends.  Occasional  visits  would  be  paid  his  wife  and  chil- 
dren. Some  of  London’s  leaders  of  thought,  although  at 
the  same  time  “ men-about-town,”  have  been  known  to 
exclaim  at  what  they  witnessed  in  the  city’s  drinking 
palaces : “ Is  this  the  great  Oscar  Wilde  who  sits,  chats, 

and  drinks  here  with  ragamuffins  whom  he  has  picked  up 
off  the  street ! ” 

Blackmail  was  looked  upon  as  an  everyday  occurrence. 
As  money  both  came  and  went  easily,  he  never  gave  it  a 
second  thought. 

Gradually  stories  of  his  doings  spread  throughout  all 
grades  of  London  society.  The  middle  and  lower  classes 
soon  came  to  hold  his  name  in  abomination,  but  compara- 
tively few  of  the  “ upper  crust  ” — with  whom  he  exclu- 
sively associated  apart  from  his  nights  with  adolescent 
menials  — held  anything  against  him  because  of  his  almost 
unrivaled  talents  and  delightful  personality. 

In  1895,  at  the  age  of  forty-one,  Wilde  had  reached  the 
zenith  of  earthly  glory.  But  the  puritan  element  had 
naturally  come  to  hold  him  in  the  greatest  detestation. 
He  was  thoroughly  pagan  in  thought  and  in  his  published 
works.  Particularly  was  he  thoroughly  saturated  with 
the  writings  and  ideas  of  the  ancient  Greeks,  with  whom 


254 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


pederasty  was  common  and  open.  Unlike  the  author,  he 
had  had  no  religious  training,  and  when  adult  seems  always 
to  have  turned  the  cold  shoulder  on  the  Church.  Some  of 
his  writings  were  positively  blasphemous.  He  would  boast 
also  that  for  him  morality  was  non-existent  — only  the 
beautiful.  While  possibly  irresponsible  to  a considerable 
degree  for  his  pederasty,  he  was  decidedly  to  be  blamed  for 
flaunting  it  in  the  face  of  everybody.  On  the  whole,  he 
was,  because  of  his  exalted  position  and  his  writings,  the 
most  pernicious  influence  of  the  19th  century  on  British 
morals.  The  puritan  element  were  quick  to  take  advan- 
tage of  his  arrest  under  the  charge  of  being  a “ corrupter 
of  youth,”  and  jumped  into  the  fray.  The  slums  of  Lon- 
don were  combed  in  order  to  find  witnesses. 

From  Harris’s  “ Oscar  Wilde  and  His  Confessions  ” I 
quote  Wilde’s  most  striking  defensive  statement  at  his 
trial : 

“ The  ‘ love  ’ that  dare  not  speak  its  name  in  this  cen- 
tury is  such  a great  affection  of  an  older  for  a younger 
man  as  there  was  between  David  and  Jonathan,  such  as 
Plato  made  the  very  base  of  his  philosophy,  and  such  as 
you  find  in  the  so’nnets  of  Michael  Angelo  and  Shakespeare 
— a deep  spiritual  affection  that  is  as  pure  as  it  is  per- 
fect, and  dictates  great  works  of  art  like  those  of  Shake- 
speare and  Michael  Angelo  and  those  two  letters  of  mine 
[evidence  against  him],  such  as  they  are,  and  which  is  in 
this  century  misunderstood  — so  misunderstood  that,  on 
account  of  it,  I am  placed  where  I am  now  [in  the  prison- 
er’s dock].  It  is  beautiful ; it  is  fine ; it  is  the  noblest  form 
of  affection.  It  is  intellectual,  and  it  repeatedly  exists 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


255 


between  an  elder  and  younger  man,  when  the  elder  man 
has  intellect,  and  the  younger  man  has  all  the  joy,  hope, 
and  glamor  of  life.  That  it  should  be  so  the  world  does 
not  understand.  It  mocks  at  it  and  sometimes  puts  one 
into  the  pillory  for  it.” 

Subsequently  his  confidant,  Harris,  asked  in  private: 
“ There  is  another  point  against  you  which  you  have  not 
touched  on  yet : Gill  asked  you  what  you  had  in  common 
with  those  serving  men  and  stable  boys?  You  have  not 
explained  that.” 

“ Difficult  to  explain,  Frank,  isn’t  it,  without  the 
truth  ?”....“  How  weary  I am  of  the  whole  thing,  of 
the  shame  and  the  struggling  and  the  hatred.  To  see  those 
people  coming  into  the  box  one  after  the  other  to  witness 
against  me  makes  me  sick.  . . . Oh,  it’s  terrible.  I feel 
inclined  to  stretch  out  my  hands  and  cry  to  them,  ‘ Do 
what  you  will  with  me,  in  God’s  name,  only  do  it  quickly ; 
cannot  you  see  that  I am  worn  out?  If  hatred  gives  you 
pleasure,  indulge  it.’  ” 

• In  other  conversations  with  Harris,  Wilde  justified  his 
penchant,  as  narrated  in  the  biography,  as  follows : 

“ There  is  no  general  rule  of  health ; it  is  all  personal, 
individual.  ...  I only  demand  that  freedom  which  I will- 
ingly concede  to  others.  No  one  condemns  another  for 
preferring  green  to  gold.  Why  should  any  taste  be  ostra- 
cised? Liking  and  disliking  are  not  under  our  control.  I 
want  to  choose  the  nourishment  which  suits  my  body  and 
my  soul.” 

“ Each  man  ought  to  do  what  he  likes,  to  develop  as  he 
will.  . . . They  punished  me  because  I did  not  share  their 


256 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


tastes.  What  an  absurdity  it  all  was ! How  dared  they 
punish  me  for  what  is  good  in  my  eyes?  . . . 

“ What  you  call  vice,  Frank,  is  not  vice.  ...  It  has 
been  made  a crime  in  recent  times.  . . . They  all  damn 
the  sins  they  have  no  mind  to,  and  that’s  their  morality. 
. . . Why,  even  Bentham  refused  to  put  what  you  call  a 
vice  in  his  penal  code,  and  you  yourself  admitted  that  it 
should  not  be  punished  as  a crime ; for  it  carries  no  temp- 
tation with  it.  It  may  be  a malady ; but,  if  so,  it  appears 
only  to  attack  the  highest  natures.  . . . The  wit  of  man 
can  find  no  argument  which  justifies  its  punishment.  . . . 
You  admit  you  don’t  share  the  prejudice;  you  don’t  feel 
the  horror,  the  instinctive  loathing.  Why?  Because  you 
are  educated,  Frank,  because  you  know  that  the  passion 
Socrates  felt  was  not  a low  passion,  because  you  know  that 
Caesar’s  weakness,  let  us  say,  or  the  weakness  of  Michael 
Angelo,  or  of  Shakespeare,  is  not  despicable.  If  the  de- 
sire is  not  a characteristic  of  the  highest  humanity,  at 
least  it  is  consistent  with  it.  . . . Suppose  I like  a food 
that  is  poison  to  other  people,  and  yet  quickens  me;  how 
dare  they  punish  me  for  eating  of  it?  ....  It  is  all  igno- 
rant prejudice,  Frank;  the  world  is  slowly  growing  more 
tolerant  and  one  day  men  will  be  ashamed  of  their  barbar- 
ous treatment  of  me,  as  they  are  now  ashamed  of  the  tor- 
turing of  the  Middle  Ages.” 

Harris  constitutes  himself  an  apologist  for  his  friend. 
He  outlines  a conversation  in  which  he  defended  Wilde  dur- 
ing the  time  of  the  latter’s  imprisonment.  After  demolish- 
ing the  argument  of  a leading  English  journalist  that 
“ any  one  living  a clean  life  is  worth  more  than  a writer 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


257 


of  love  songs  or  the  maker  of  clever  comedies  — Mr.  John 
Smith  worth  more  than  Shakespeare  [who  was  a rake  and 
very  likely  a psychical  hermaphrodite],  Harris  “pointed 
out  that  Wilde’s  offence  was  pathological  and  not  criminal 
and  would  not  be  punished  in  a properly  constituted  state.” 
Harris  is  quoted  further: 

“ You  admit  that  we  punish  crime  to  prevent  it  spread- 
ing; wipe  this  sin  off  the  statute  book  and  you  would  not 
increase  the  sinners  by  one:  then  why  punish  them?  ” 

[Another  guest  of  the  journalist:]  “ Oi’d  whip  such 
isinners  to  death,  so  I would.  Hangin’s  too  good  for 
them.” 

“ You  only  punished  lepers  in  the  Middle  Ages  because 
you  believed  that  leprosy  was  catching:  this  malady  is  not 
even  catching.” 

“ Faith,  Oi’d  punish  it  with  extermination.”  . . . 

“ You  are  very  bitter : I’m  not ; you  see,  I have  no  sexual 
jealousy  to  inflame  me.” 

Oscar  Wilde  deserved  his  fall  — possibly  not  because  he 
was  a pederast,  but  because  he  flaunted  his  pederasty  be- 
fore the  world,  and  because  he  was  otherwise  anti-ethical 
and  anti-religious  in  the  highest  degree.  After  two  years 
in  prison,  he  never  again  set  foot  in  the  British  Empire. 
His  wife  would  never  again  even  see  him.  He  lost  all  am- 
bition to  put  to  use  his  extraordinary  literary  talents. 
For  the  rest  of  his  life  he  made  his  home  for  the  most  part 
in  Paris.  Apparently  he  indulged  his  penchant  more  than 
ever.  Pie  remarked  once  that  life  would  not  be  worth  liv- 
ing if  desire  should  die,  as  compared  with  the  author’s 
heartfelt  wish  that  it  might  die  in  himself.  He  was  con- 


258 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


stantly  pursuing  adolescents  of  the  laboring  class.  He 
was  known  to  call  in  to  dine  with  him  at  a high-class  res- 
taurant a dirty,  unkempt,  but  Adonis-faced  gutter-snipe. 
He  now  acquired  syphilis.  The  chase  appeared  to  be  the 
chief  aim  of  his  life,  although  he  now  distinguished  himself 
also  as  an  extreme  gourmand,  tippler,  and  sybarite  in  gen- 
eral, not  to  mention  his  habitually  swindling  his  old  friends 
out  of  money. 

According  to  general  belief,  death  came  in  1900  at  the 
age  of  forty-six,  and  was  due  to  a general  breakdown  occa- 
sioned by  gluttony,  alcoholism,  absinthism,  and  syphilis. 
But  strong  reasons  existed  why  he  and  his  confidants 
should  palm  off  his  death  upon  the  world.  In  1918  it  is 
rumored  that  he  is  still  alive,  at  the  age  of  sixty-four. 

Wilde  has  given  evidence  of  a slight  approach  toward 
feminine  mentality.  (1)  He  was  unequalled  in  vanity. 
(2)  During  his  twenties,  he  wore  his  hair  in  tufts  several 
inches  long  and  partially  concealing  his  ears  and  coat- 
collar.  (3)  He  was  the  most  extreme  esthete  (extrava- 
gant feeder  on  beauty  wherever  it  is  to  be  found,  like  the 
author)  the  world  has  ever  seen.  Estheticism  and  homo- 
sexuality are  often  linked  together.  (4)  At  thirty-three 
he  became  editor  of  England’s  leading  woman’s  magazine. 
(5)  Harris  speaks  of  his  “extraordinary  femininity  and 
gentle  weakness  of  his  nature,  and  instead  of  condemning 
him  as  I have  always  condemned  that  form  of  sexual  in- 
dulgence, I felt  only  pity  for  him  and  a desire  to  protect 
and  help  him.”  Harris  further  expresses  Wilde’s  reaction 
to  the  prison  atmosphere  as  essentially  that  of  a “ woman.” 

Wilde’s  case  suggests  an  hypothesis : Homosexuality  is 


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(43)  Ever  arrested  or  imprisoned  for  following  instincts  of  "psychical  sex If  so,  aggregate  number  of 

months  or  years  imprisoned 


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(25)  Underline  applicable  fundamental  or  original  instinct: 

Fellatio  (active  buccal).  Passive  buccal.  Masturbation  of  other.  Mutual  onanism.  Paedicatio  (anal), 
indicating  whether  subject  is  active  or  passive,  or  both.  Cunnilingus  (corresponding  to  active  fellatio  in 
the  male).  Tribadism  (corresponding  to  masturbation  of  other  in  the  male). 

(26)  Approximate  age  when  instinct  first  manifested  itself  in  the  feelings years.  In  actions years. 


The  Case  of  Oscar  Wilde. 


259 


due  to  innate  abnormal  participation  in  the  mentality  of 
the  opposite  sex.  Whether  an  active  pederast  or  a passive 
invert  results,  depends  on  the  degree  of  feminization.  If 
slight,  the  former  results,  who  is  also  capable  of  heterosex- 
ual love  and  coitus  — a psychical  hermaphrodite,  as  was 
Wilde,  who  however  had  a far  stronger  leaning  toward  the 
homosexual  than  toward  the  heterosexual.  If  the  degree 
is  high  — for  example,  almost  entirely  feminine  psychically 
and  even  inducing  feminesque  anatomy  — a passive  invert 
results,  as  in  the  case  of  the  author. 

September,  1918. 


260 


Autobiography  of  an  Androgyne. 


INDEX  TO  AUTOBIOGRAPHY 


A 

Abnormality,  congenital,  29 
Abstinence  would  wreck  life,  106 
Acting  out  a drama,  120 
Active  pederasts,  156 
Actives  are  ultravirile,  118 
Adopted  son,  first,  87,  236  ff.,  249 
Adopted  son,  second,  240  ff.,  249 
Advice  to  young  inverts,  94,  242 
Aestheticism,  16  , 

Aftermath  of  dissipation,  93,  94, 
150,  195,  243 
Age  4 to  8, 31  ff. 

9 to  12,  38  ff. 

13  to  18,  44  ff. 

19  to  21,79  ff. 

22  to  23, 139  ff. 

24  to  26, 180  ff. 

27  to  28, 195  ff. 

29  to  30,  210  ff. 

31  to  39,  225  ff. 

40  to  44,  238  ff. 

Ague,  sexual,  62,  72 
Alcohol,  author’s  attitude,  78, 
126 

Alcohol  conduces  ven.  disease, 
126,  234 

Aliases,  origin  of,  26 
Alleviating  ill  effects,  95 
Anatomical  peculiarities  of  asso- 
ciates, 87,  127 
Androgyne  defined,  6 
Androgyne’s  marriage  bond,  83 
Androgynes  the  handiwbrk  of 
God,  108 

Androgynism,  frequency  of,  2, 
34 

Apparel,  feminine,  coveted,  36, 
103 

Apparel  of  inverts,  36,  122,  202 


Appeal  to  General  G.,  229 
Appeal  to  highminded  adoles- 
cents, 105,  195 

Appeal  to  U.  S.  district  attor- 
ney, 229 

Army  officers,  interviews  with, 
213,  215,  226,  229,  230 
Arrest,  112,  130,  213,  226,  230 
chronic  fear  of,  114 
wishing  for,  171 

Assault  and  battery,  64,  135,  136, 
145  146,  149,  172,  225-228 
Attraction,  in  boyhood,  exercised 
on  males,  10,  37,  44 
Attractiveness,  what  constituted, 
86,  148,  149 


B 

Babying,  15,  48,  52,  78,  79,  85, 
90,  152,  154,  179,  191,  192, 
218 

Babyishness,  15,  64,  80,  85,  90, 
98,  116,  119,  120,  123,  147, 
154-156,  191,  209,  210,  213, 
218,  219,  222,  239,  246,  219 
Beauty,  feminine,  powerless,  47, 
236 

Bemoaning  lot,  41,  46,  48,  49,  51, 
53,  54,  58,  67,  69,  70,  75,  129, 
141,  196,  209,  235,  245 
Betrayal  of  author,  139 
Beza  on  androgynes,  6 
Biblical  condemnation  not  appli- 
cable, 107 
Birth,  27 

Blackmailers,  112,  145,  149,  165, 
171,  186,  193,  212,  225,  241, 
242 

Body  shaving,  124 


261 


Index  to  Autobiography. 


Bowery,  debut  on,  66 
night  on,  147 
Burglarized,  241 

Business  success  of  author,  244 
C 

Cannibalism,  171 
Career  (open)  ends,  231 
Cast  out  of  a camp,  121 
Castration,  197 

appeal  for  at  nineteen,  74 
bv  self  meditated,  41 
effects  of,  198  ff.,  230 
Cause  of  inversion,  18 
Ceremony  of  adoration  and  of 
enslavement,  98 

Chance  encounters  with  asso- 
ciates of  other  self,  162  ff. 
Child,  hypochondriacal  and  weak, 
31 

Childhood  eccentricities,  37 
pastimes,  36,  37 

Childlikeness  when  adult,  14,  44, 
119,  189,  248 

Chronic  overwhelming  fear,  146 
Coitus  cum  puella,  30,  236 
Coitus  (fellatio)  a panacea,  82 
effects  of,  82,  90,  92  ff.,  243 
Coitus,  methods  of,  89  ff. 

Conflict  of  my  two  lives,  129 
Conflicts  of  double  life,  162 
Conversation,  samples  of,  64,  72, 
122,  129,  134,  148,  165,  169, 
181,  192,  211 

Convulsions  in  early  childhood, 
31 

Courtmartialled,  229 
Cured  (practically),  235,  245 

D 

Darkest  Xew  York,  154 
Debut  as  deliciae  militum,  111 
as  high-class  fairie,  122 
as  low-class  fairie,  142 
at  Fort  X,  191 
at  Fort  Y,  202 
in  Fort  Z company,  225 


in  Fourteenth  Street,  122 
in  Stuyvesant  Square,  130 
on  Bowery,  66 
on  Mulberry  Street,  71 
Defecation,  incontinence  of,  158 
Depilation,  124 
Detective  arrests,  130 
Divine  ban  on  celibacy,  161 
Double-life  disclosed,  139,  188 
reason  for,  174 
Driven  to  a stripling,  195 

E 

Eavesdroppers,  152,  168 
Eekhoud  on  inversion,  20 
Effects  of  fellatio  on  associates, 
88,  89,  194 

Ejaculations  in  self,  39,  92,  95, 
195,  196,  198 

Ellis’s  theory  of  inversion,  21 
Eheounters  with  acquaintances 
of  one  life  while  living  out 
the  other,  162  ff. 

Eradication  of  facial  hair,  124, 

202 

Erotic  dreams,  46 
Ethics  of  inversion,  23,  45,  52,  56, 
67,  81,  105  ff.,  139,  142,  190, 
194,  247 

Eunuchs  by  birth,  in  India,  69, 
117,  155 

Europe,  adventures  in,  186  ff. 
Evening  with  a gang,  78 
Expelled  from  university,  140 

F 

Fairie  apprenticeship,  77  ff. 
by  destiny,  29,  35,  45,  74,  76 
defined,  7 

in  all  communities,  33,  156 
other,  32,  33,  125,  155 
qualifications,  119,  120,  189, 

209 

sobriquets,  155 
Faith-cure  tried,  68 
Farewell  to  forts,  216 
Fourteenth  Street,  134 


262 


Index  to  Autobiography. 


low-class  fairie  period,  157 
Mulberry  Street,  99 
Fear  of  slums,  146,  170 
Fellatio,  at  age  of  twelve,  39 
defence  of,  90,  106  ff. 
defined,  89,  90,  92 
early  opinions  of,  4 2 
in  infancy,  30  ff. 
in  early  youth,  39 
its  genesis,  15,  29 
not  a sin,  100  ff. 
not  rare,  92 
obsession  declines,  230 
prescribed  by  physician,  81, 
105 

Female  and  infant  impersonation 
natural,  19,  209 

Female  brain  in  male  body,  19, 
246 

Female  impersonation,  10,  19,  31, 
36,  62,  04,  85,  98,  111,  118, 
119,  120,  143,  150,  191,  202, 
225,  237 

Female-impersonation  sprees,  62 
ff.,  71,  77  ff.,  85,  101  ff.,  Ill, 
122,  128,  133,  117  ff.,  151  ff., 
154  ff.,  137,  167  ff.,  178  ff., 
180  ff.,  191  ff.,  201  ff.,  225 
Feminine  apparel,  yearning  for, 

36,  103 

stamp  on  author,  10-12,  13,  36- 
38,  248-250 

Femininity,  sensitiveness  over, 

37,  48 

Fetishes,  49,  50,  206 
First  catch,  72 
encounter  with  Mars,  111 
full  knowledge,  57 
half  of  open  career  ends,  188 
knowledge  of  N.  Y.  profes- 
sionals, 78 

knowledge  of  other  adult  in- 
verts, 53 

nocturnal  ramble,  61 
reading  about  inverts,  70 
robbery  and  assault,  65 
self  knowledge,  46 
Flirtations  of  boyhood,  36,  37,  43 
Forced  into  breeches,  35 


Fort  X,  debut  at,  191 
Fort  Y,  debut  at,  202 
Fort  Z men  cultivated,  225  ff. 
Fourteenth  Street  period,  122  ff. 
Frequency  of  fairie-rsm,  151 
of  passive  inversion,  2,  34. 
Freshman  year,  47  ff. 

G 

Gethsemane,  author’s,  46 
Girlboy  playmates,  32 
Glimpses  into  Hell's  Kitchen,  62, 
167 

Gonorrhea,  126,  190 
Grapes  conduce  syphilis,  234 
Gynander,  28 

H 

Hair  system  of  author,  11,  13, 
124,  125,  199 
Half  murdered,  228 
Haunted  by  sensual  images,  59 
Hecatontandry,  193 
Hell’s  Kitchen,  glimpses  into,  62 
ff.,  167 

Hermaphrodism,  types  of,  8,  10, 
33,  70 

Hermaphroditos,  5 
High-class  fairieship,  122  ff. 

How  marriage  bond  was  cement- 
ed, 83 

Hyperassthesia,  author’s,  94 

I 

Incognito  adventures  inevitable, 
137 

In  college  gymnasium,  103 
Infant  fairie,  30  ff. 

Infantilism,  psychical  (See  Baby- 
ishness) 

Innocent  in  red-light  district,  66 
Instinct  proven  irresistible,  105, 
174,  175 

Int^r  femora  defined,  95 
In  the  lair  of  a strumpet,  102 
In  the  slums  in  my  best,  101 


Index  to  Autobiography. 


263 


Introspective,  1 
Inversion,  cause,  18 
frequency  of,  2,  34 
not  sodomy,  21 
promotes  music,  33 
Inverts,  forbearance  due,  109 
good  actors,  118  ff.,  156 
occupying  eminent  positions, 
91,  175 
two  kinds,  20 

Irresponsibility,  dawning  sense 
of,  51 

I touch  bottom,  143 

J 

Jail,  reflections  in,  113 
Jennie  J.  encounters  R.W.’s  as- 
sociates, 164 

Jennie  June  is  introduced,  62 
K 

Krafft-Ebing  on  androgynes,  6 
Kurella's  theory  of  inversion,  22 

L 

Legal  injustice  to  inverts,  23,  24, 
133,  136,  229 

Letters,  sample,  201,  210,  214 
Liquor  vitae  as  medicament,  93 
Looked  upon  as  girl,  10,  48,  85, 
120,  128,  192,  204,  206,  218,  222 
Low-class  fairieship,  142  ff. 

M 

Manuscript  of  autobiography 
stolen,  241 

Manustupration,  38,  41,  97 
Medicine,  recourse  to,  47,  73,  81 
Melancholia,  32,  45,  46,  48,  54, 
58,  67,  69,  70,  75,  104,  109, 
136,  141,  173,  176,  230,  235, 
238,  239,  241,  245 
Mental  acumen,  38,  93,  114,  123, 
139,  140 

Mental  characteristics,  12,  14-17 


Method  of  leading  up,  63,  181 
Middle  life  reached,  238 
Milites  easiest  of  conquests,  117 
Model  pupil,  38 

Monandry,  periods  of,  138,  237, 
240 

Moral  paragon  outside  venery, 
44,  121,  131,  136,  189,  242 
Morality  judged  by  others,  25, 
44,  8l'  140 

Mujerados  among  red  men,  70, 
' 156 

Mulberry  Street  period,  77  ff. 
farewell  to,  99 
night  on,  85 
Muscle  dance,  15,  166 
Music,  effect  of,  116 

N 

Nature  of  satisfaction,  91,  97 
Nature's  aim  in  androgynism,  88, 
108,  243 

No  alcohol,  no  syphilis,  234 
Nymphomania,  59,  60,  96,  104, 
142,  159,  173,  174,  195 

O 

Open  career  ends,  231 
Opinion  of  inversion,  prevalent, 
25,  75,  110,  140 
Outcast  period,  141  ff. 

P 

Paedicatio  dangerous,  82,  96,  158 
defined,  92,  96 
Parentage,  27 

Persecution  of  inverts,  130,  132, 
149,  172,  227,  235 
Petit-jesus,  etymology,  8 
Physical  traits,  12,  13,  35,  48, 
248 

Physicians  consulted,  47,  73,  81 
Pickpocketing,  101,  145,  203,  228 
Police,  encounters  with,  112,  122, 
132,  145,  178,  193,  207,  229 
Polyandry  vs.  monandry,  88 


264 


Index  to  Autobiography. 


Polyglottism  and  inversion,  17 
Popularity  and  fame  achieved, 
205 

Potassium  iodide  antidote  vs.  ill 
effects,  95 

Prayers  for  feminization,  41 
virility,  46,  67,  68 
Pregnancy,  fear  of,  43 
Private-secretary  period,  173  ff. 
Professional  fairies,  122,  125,  143, 
155 

Pursued  by  women,  13 

Q 

Quarters  of  the  city  frequented, 
76,  122,  131,  143 

R 

Race  for  life,  170 
Raison  d’etre  of  inverts,  88,  108, 
243 

Recognized  by  Jennie  J’s  asso- 
ciates, 162  ff. 

Recognized  by  Ralph  W’s  asso- 
ciates, 162  ff. 

Reform,  158 

Rejected  by  Providence  from 
ministry,  76,  161 
Relatives,  abnormal,  28 
Religion  unavailing,  49,  56,  58, 
68,  159 

Religious  prodigy,  35,  45,  58,  68, 
248 

worker,  35,  45,  47,  56,  80,  81, 
159,  162,  230 
Reveries,  youthful,  40 
Robbers,  64,  78,  102,  145,  149, 
169,  179,  193,  214,  241 
Rockies,  in,  235 
Ruffians’  attitude,  63 

S 

Sadism,  98,  214 
St.  Vitus’  dance,  37 
School  life,  38 

Second  nocturnal  ramble,  71 
.Semen  ingested,  effect  of,  93 
Semi-invalid,  author  a,  244 


Senior  year,  122  ff. 

Sex  is  psychical  primarily,  22 
scale,  9 

Sexes  not  sharply  divided,  8 
Sexual  determinants  of  author, 
10-13 

lot  compared  with  normal,  243 
precocity,  30 

preferences,  87,  127,  142,  149 
reveries,  youthful,  40 
starvation,  104 

Sexually  abnormal  relatives,  28 
Singing,  fairie,  78,  155,  192 
Soldiers  deliciae,  111  ff.,  138,  147, 
189  ff.,  236,  240 

demigods,  50,  115,  190,  192,  202, 
206 

European,  187 
in  camp,  116  ff. 
in  squadroom,  191,  192 
persecution  by,  193,  225  ff. 
susceptibility  to  homosexuality, 
117  ff.,  1 9 i 
Songs,  217  ff. 

Sophomore  and  junior  years,  69 

ff. 

Spermatorrhea,  194,  196 
Spied  on,  225 

Spree,  preliminaries  to,  177 
Squadroom,  evening  in,  192 
Squaw-men  in  red  race,  70,  156 
Stamping  ground  as  low-class 
fairie,  144 

Steamboat  flirtation,  180 
Stuyvesant  Square,  debut  in,  131 
Suicide  contemplated,  32,  37,  46, 
58,  69,  106,  109,  113,  141,  173, 
235 

Syphilis,  126,  127,  150,  231  ff. 

T 

Taste  for  learning,  17,  35,  38,  51, 
125,  139 

Tattooing,  87,  192 
Teasing,  subject  of,  14,  208,  212, 
248 

Temptations  peculiar  to  inverts, 
39,  43,  44,  48-51,  55,  74,  235 


Index  to  Autobiography. 


265 


Tobacco,  never  used,  77 
Two-sided  life,  119 
Typical  chase,  153 
Typical  night  on  side  street,  151 

U 

Undersized,  13,  35 
Usual  treatment  of  inverts,  75, 
110 

V 

Venereal  disease,  126,  127,  150, 
190,  231  ff. 

Venery,  excessive,  harmful,  150 
Verdicts  of  pastor  and  alienist, 
81 

Voice,  singing,  11,  27,  78,  192 
speaking,  11 

W 

Warts,  venereal,  126 
Weight,  author’s,  198 


Whistling,  inability,  37 
Who  cultivate  androgynes,  32,  33, 
86,  117,  243 
Why  a double  life,  174 
Why  an  autobiography,  1,  3,  7,  35 
Why  fairie  career  ended,  231,  235 
Wilde,  Oscar,  20,  251 

Y 

Youthful  appearance,  16,  189,  244 
Year  1874  on,  27  ff. 

1883  on,  38  ff. 

1889  on,  45  ff. 

1891  on,  47  ff. 

1893,  77  ff. 

1894-5,  99  ff. 

1896,  128  ff. 

1897,  158  ff. 

1898,  180  ff. 

1899-01,  189  ff. 

1902,  203  ff. 

1903-4,  210  ff. 

1905-6,  216  ff. 

1907-18,  235  ff. 


•( 


